Oh mirror mirror on the wall who is the baldest one of them all???? Hah! Not me! For I have a full head of hair! Oh yes I do! A full head of flowing Norwegian blonde hair, the kind of hair that Fabio himself would adorn. When I comb it in the morning birds tweet outside my window in approval. As I head off to work, my wife runs her hands through shimmering locks with a heavy sigh of contentment. The door opens to the world outside and the winds die down out of respect for my feathered mane. To see me is to love me for as I shake my head side to side, men stare in awe at the unbelievable attraction that is my hair and they want to be me!
Ok are we done vomiting now? Wrech, blech, huuuaaaahhh! My little trip down “full of myself” lane was fun but here are the facts. I am 45 years old and my hair is thinning slightly. It is doing this in an area I prefer to call the forward cul-de-sac. You know the space right above your brow line traveling back about even with the front middle of your head but not quite far enough back to be your cow-lick. It thins in a pattern that resembles a cul-de-sac on any city street. When you gaze through the thin layering of hair, you can almost envision the new neighborhood being built, right there on you head!
We all know people afflicted with this horrible sign of aging. They run around trying their best to cover it up. Baseball caps suddenly are worn by people who never really liked baseball caps. Hair is grown longer on one side of the head to produce the perfect “comb-over”, where the longer hair is literally combed over the bald spot. The part line has now moved from a respectful 2 degrees south of the mid cranial line to a full-blown 90 degrees south hovering right above the top of the ear! There of course are those that embrace the cul-de-sac look and wear it quite nicely, but in my opinion you had better have a pretty stellar shaped head to pull that off otherwise you end up looking as though you are wearing mink earmuffs all year-long! Then there is the Bruce Willis, Vin Deisel, Samuel L Jackson group that have just said screw it and gone completely bald! They look good, no they look GREAT! They pull it off, oh yes! But even if they didn’t I sure as hell wouldn’t tell them otherwise! They would kick my butt!
So how did I get to this point. I have two brothers who have full heads of hair, and in reality I still have a full head of hair. When I gel my hair, or it is wet that’s when you really see the outline of the cul-de-sac starting to show. Its like purchasing land on an Alabama lake front, (that’s another story) you know there is land under that vegetation, but until you start pulling out the trees and shrubs one by one you never really get a good view of the property line! Nice visual huh? Now I know this whole “thinning hair” thing doesn’t seem like a big problem at all, but it’s getting worse and I just want to know why? Why me? Why is my hair going away?
As I am left grinding my teeth pondering the issue, it hits me. It’s the kids fault! Shazam! It’s the damn kids fault! BA-DOW! Thats it! When I was young, unmarried and spry, I was a handsome devil, with no cares in the world. My biggest decision was choosing the bar where I was meeting my buddies that night and of course when my next paycheck would arrive. Life was good. I owned stock in macaroni and cheese, and my fridge held a gallon of milk, plenty of beer, lunch meat and hot dogs. The hot dogs were for Sunday night dinner when I would dress up the mac n cheese! I had no stress, I also had LOTS of hair! I looked like Andi Freaking Gibb! (sorry my generation, my timeframe). Then came marriage! Marriage was good-no marriage was great! Just me and my lady, hanging out, watching TV, eating real food because mac n cheese was for bachelors and children! Yeah it was soo nice…. Then came children, it starts out so exciting and wonderful, you can’t believe the little miracle the two of you have created! He is laying there all wrapped up and cute and snuggly and cute and look oh he made a sound, ahhhhhh he’s sooooo cute… And then the kid doesn’t sleep for six freaking months straight, which means you also don’t sleep for 6 months straight! Cue crankiness!! Then there’s making sure he is safely in his stroller, and car seat and high chair which sits in a kitchen that has cabinets locked tighter than Fort Knox! He starts walking then running then riding a bike, then riding a dirt bike, then riding horses and hunting and driving, and dating and going on overnight trips with his friends and before you know it! HAIR IS FALLING FROM YOUR STRESSED OUT LITTLE HEAD LIKE SNOW IN THE HIMALAYAS!
I mean SERIOULSY over the last two years I have just been getting thinner and thinner, and I don’t want to be “that guy”! You know, the guy who everyone talks about after he leaves the room! Hey dude did you see his head? Holy cow man talk about a receding hairline, it’s not receding that thing is in full retreat!! Why does he even bother to put gel in his hair? I don’t know, but someone needs to tell him? Or worse yet I end up shaving it all off then I’ll be “that guy” again. Ho hoo, yeah that’s right I’m bald! Oh yeah baby its a solar panel for a love machine! Whoa buddy just rub it for luck, hey baby that’s right the carpet really does match the drapes!! YYYUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!
That can’t happen I wont let it, I hated it when my dad was spewing those oh so witty remarks! It was just plain embarrassing! No No I will take it like a man, I have too. Yes, yes professionalism and maturity all the way! If I am going to lose my hair I am going out dignified! No Rogaine, No hair club for men, No scalp treatments, No baseball caps or wigs and definitely NO weaves! I’ll shave it off like a man and wear that jet white scalp like a terrified buck private at boot camp! That is it! Yes sir only two third degree sunburns and few skin peels and I’ll have that thing shining like a new penny! Yep that’s the ticket! Three more kids to raise another handful of hair to lose! Ahhhh its good to come to terms with this issue. Love your kids, lose your hair, I think it might just be a fair trade-off..
Now, what the heck am I going to do about the grey?????