Month: September 2012

What my father never taught me about life…. Continued

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What my father never taught me about life or at the very least I refused to listen too….

(Cont….)

As with my last posting, this is hard-earned wisdom spread to all who lay their eyes upon it.  An old saying “learn from your elders” has never rung more true.  Advice mixed with blatant sarcasm and humor.

Women

Women, girls, gals, the opposite sex; The center of the universe to us knuckle dragging, heavy breathing, prankster playing, ignorant, slobbering boys.  Here is where the rubber meets the road, for you see in our society we focus learning through a structured education environment, but even so, when it comes to the opposite sex we fall flat on our face every time!  Oh sure there are plenty of quality programs teaching our youth about men and women, our functionality when it comes to the nether region, the proper or in proper use of birth control, all of which I will cover further down the line.  But what about the basic understanding of women?  What about the simplest of simple, getting to understand how much different women/girls are from men/boys?

Books, educational classes, seminars, late night T.V. there’s a myriad of avenues pursuing knowledge on this subject! psychology professors, writers, and money-grubbing hacks from around the world vying for your every dollar, under the guise of helping you better understand the vast difference between men and women. (beyond I have a penis, you have a vagina) In reality the people who should be explaining this whole process are uncomfortable, the people responsible for ensuring your mental prowess in regards to this issue are not preparing you adequately for the uphill battle you will eventually face! Its like telling Rocky Balboa to study trigonometry before a prize-fight, don’t worry about all that physical training stuff, you got this champ! Without training, he’s gonna lose!

I have suited up in my jogging suit, skull-cap pulled down tight, time to become the Burgess Meredith of young lad inter sexes relationship training! Only for a moment, but just long enough to spread the wealth of knowledge I have learned the hard way over my 46 years on this planet.

WOMEN ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!!!

There we are, that’s all you need to know! Now go forth and spread the word to all your friends so they too understand the widening gap between men and women hinges on the fact women are batshit crazy!! This of course leads to an impossible melding of communication between the two. As far as what exactly both men and women are thinking at that crucial moment of a communication, that second you begin building interpersonal relationships! I belive after carefully watching the two species in thier most intimate of settings (the local pub) it goes something like this:

Men: DDDDUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH-Oh yeah beer.  DDDDDDUUUUHHHHH-oh yeah you pretty!  DDDDUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH- must eat to survive! Have sex, spreading my seed upon the world.

Women: The sounds of a thousand angels repeating all the worries of the world in unison. Then taking a moment out to recognize this man has needs too. Motherly instincts take over…

Yep I could out do Marlin Perkins from Mututal of Ohmahas wild kingdom!

Just kidding no hate comments please!!!

Now that I have your attention.  I wish my father would have better prepared me to understand women.  It would have helped prevent awkward situations like when I pushed little Marlo down in 2nd grade because I thought she was swell. Pushing my buddies down was a common occurrence it happened all the time, they pushed me, I pushed them, that’s how we knew we were buddies!  Or when I argued my way out of a “girlfriend” in 7th grade because she thought she knew more about cars than I did. (if you were unsure about my automobile knowledge base just read a few of my past blogs in regards this topic) Hey dad,  how about teaching me about self-confidence, instead of belittling every female experience I ever had, then maybe I would have felt a little stronger when it came to being dumped! What about having a “girlfriend”. Yeah believe it or not men can be friends without having the urge to kiss said friend. ( my entire high school life) Although kissing really is fun with the right set of lips!

There are so many differences in the way men and women/boys and girls think. Yet we are sending our young lads out to do romantic/relationship battle without being prepared! Seems to me this equates to sending a military sniper to the roof top without a rifle!

Our young lads need to be taught that love is much more than kissing and sex! Women on occasion equate love to long walks, building a relationship, holding hands and talking. All of this of course eventually leading up to kissing and when the moment is right, sex! Yep its true! Not a woman out there that doesn’t wish for a good romp in the hay now and again! They have the same needs as men, she just goes about it a little differently than you do junior!

Men equate love to getting laid! Of course that is the furthest extreme.  Men also equate love to a first kiss.  If a girl/woman has taken the time to push her sweet-smelling, soft, perfect little lips up to your smelly, dirty, sweaty, gruff face then it must be love! Right? Right?????

Men/boys you are ready to profess your undying love the minute your slobbering kisser pulls away from hers! Fireworks shooting in the air, funny, uncontrollable stiffness in the nether region, cold sweat pouring from your skin.  Why yes Watson its obvious, it must be love! NOT!!!

Women/girls on the other hand are a little more controlled.  They pull away from your slobbering lips, they appear flustered and bewildered. They may even move in for one or two more kisses, just long enough to make said nether region wish for an ice pack. This is all part of their devious plan to keep you wanting more! Eyeballs staring, eyelashes batting, looking at you as if you were the center of the universe!  Then as quickly as the fireworks began, the show is over. Why? Because they are smart enough, even at an early age to recognize that stiffness you carry is just as uncomfortable for them as it is for you. Women/girls step away, leave you wanting more, head home/walk inside/ get out of the car and immediately call their best friend! Why? Because son, its evaluation time! No instant love here, she needs to understand what she is feeling! She and her friends all have a score card with your name on it and its evaluation time! She needs to know; and I mean know, you are worthy of a second kiss! A second date, or maybe even if your lucky, permission to be seen in public (by public I mean her friends) with her! Where us men/boys are like panting dogs in heat, the lasses are sizing up the competition, taking notes and preparing for the final.  Will you pass, will you end up her girlfriend, just a friend, or a booty call? Only she knows and all you can do is cool your jets and be patient, that is if being more than a friend is at the top of your list.

Dating

Heres where I learned many hard lessons.  The time-honored tradition of stepping out with acquaintances, complete strangers or that girl you have known for a long time as just a friend.  Dating was fun, I enjoyed meeting new people, having a good time, and many lifelong friends from large get together have come from within the dating scene. But there are some things every lad should know before walking out that door. Heed these words oh young ones or suffer the consequences! The choice is yours…

  1. Never sleep with her on the first date. I don’t care how bad you both want it, this option in the end (9 times out of 10) never turns out well.
  2. Never profess your love to soon. (explained above, just a reminder)
  3. Always offer to pick up the check. Yes society is supposedly based on equality, but this little portion falls under gentlemanly manners. If she wishes to split it, let it be her choice. You wouldn’t ask a business partner to lunch then stiff them for the bill would you?
  4. Always open the door for your date.  I still open the door for everyone and anyone headed my way. It’s not chauvinistic, it’s not chivalrous, it’s just plain good manners.
  5. Dont swear during conversation.  (Cant emphasize that one enough!) That goes for you gals as well. Nothing is a bigger turn off the than having dinner with Marge the trucker!
  6. It’s ok to be nervous. Be honest about it, don’t try to cover up your nervousness with stupid jokes or careless banter it only makes things worse.
  7. Talk openly and honestly, the conversation will travel all over the board once you are comfortable. What a great way to find out if you wish to see this person again.
  8. Dont pretend to be something you are not.  Women can see through the bullshit! they have x-ray eyes and Vulcan mind tricks! The polygraph was invented after an intensive study of the female brain! True story, true story…..
  9. Little known fact (ok in my opinion), men are attracted by sight first; smells second, personality third.  Women are attracted by smells first, personality second and looks third.  So smell good, and I don’t mean your fathers old spice after shave or that god awful Axe! Besides with Axe according to the commercials you will be fighting off throngs of swimsuit models all night and well that just leads to an uncomfortable situation with a lot of explaining to do!  Simple smells, be showered, clean and a subtle breath mint wouldn’t hurt.
  10. Women/girls are not attracted to you because of the car you drive.  I know this goes against everything our friends have led us to believe! If she is attracted to you because of your car, odds are she is a shallow, self-centered money grubber.  But then if your world revolves around the most expensive object you can obtain then you’re probably the very same type person; perfect for each other! Someday, some lawyer will make a fortune separating all of your material items. Most women/girls have a simple car ratings list, or so I have heard over the years.  Here is my take on the whole car issue after listening to many conversations over time.  Overly lifted four-wheel drive truck-small penis, no brains.  $200,000 dollar sports car; small penis-daddy issues.  Economy car- brainy, mommy issues, geek. Fast and Furious car- immature, horrific, poor due every penny being spent on a funny little colored car with a wing on the back= small penis.  All other vehicles ding, ding, ding we have a winner! A woman/girl only really cares that your car is clean, it’s not a junker, and its reliable.  They all show a level of being responsible without being a dud.

to be continued……….

What my father never taught me about life……

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What my father never taught me about life or at the very least I refused to listen too….

Over the years there have been numerous times when my ideals, opinions and hard learned wisdom have spewed forth wanted or not.  Reflecting on the expansion of my life over the years from a single man aimlessly wandering through life to a married father of four with a career, mortgage and an unending flow of responsibility; I wonder how life should be experienced by my children.  Should they struggle earning their way through hardship, confusion and eventually embarrassment? Or should I provide them an effortless transition into adulthood with all the privileges it entails?

While stuck in this conundrum I find myself spewing more wisdom to one of our younger members here at the firehouse.  Good solid foundation wisdom, things my father never taught me. (He was always gone at work)  It was then I realized this list needed to be created.  A middle ground if you will, not just for me, not just for my children but for all children and parents out there who are afraid, embarrassed, or alone and unable to sit down and have an open honest conversation about life and what awaits them in this scary world.

There is no order of importance in these writings, just written down as they flowed from brain.

Finances

A credit card is not the same as money.  It never has been and it never will be, if you are using a credit card you are just padding some wealthy executive’s pockets.  Pay cash, or use a debit card.  Save yourself the interest.

Put away a portion of your paycheck every pay period.  Even if its $10.00! Don’t use it for anything! You will be amazed at how fast it adds up and becomes a tangible amount, there in case of a cash emergency.

Purchase used instead of new! There is nothing wrong with “thrifting”! I have tons of brand new and slightly used designer clothing obtained from thrift stores! I have lots of friends who spend thousands a year on new designer clothing! If that’s how you wish to spend your money that is fantastic! But I live on a small budget and I can’t tell you how many times compliments have rained down on my thrift store attire! Example: New designer shirt with tags at thrift store $4.99 after 50% off sale $2.50! Same shirt in a well known department store that rhymes with ordstroms; $69.99 true story!

A used car with 20-50,000 miles on it, is still a new car to you! Don’t waste your money on a brand new car! You might as well just shred 10-20,000 dollars and throw it into the wind!  Is a subjective status so important to you that throwing away that kind of money remotely makes sense?

Don’t live beyond your means! If you can’t afford it you don’t need it! Our country does a fantastic job through marketing of making you feel as though you are entitled to a new car, a new house, a new boat, a new motorcycle, a new trailer, a new leather jacket, etc…. Right behind that marketing genius are commercials warping your mind into believing you need $40,000 in credit cards along with a second on your house, helping you keep up with the Jones’s! Don’t fall into this materialistic trap.  Set a budget, learn your true expenses, your true needs, then identify your wants and systematically achieve them over time! Not tomorrow with a 19% interest credit card or next week with a 7.5% interest loan, but over time through hard work and savings.  The best person to borrow from is you! Not some bank in a glass & steel building on Wall Street!

If you decide it’s time to purchase a home, make sure it fits into your budget! We have all heard stories about families moving into a house they couldn’t afford only to lose it later because making the payments became impossible! Yes there are many unscrupulous and greedy lenders out there backed by even greedier banks but the responsibility still falls upon you! A 5000 square foot palace with a pool does you no good if you can’t furnish it, maintain it, or see yourself living there in financial comfort for the next 30 years.

In the end an old saying come to mind; a penny saved is a penny earned. It still rings true to this day.

 

Your job-any job including your inevitable career choice

If you tell an employer you will do a job then do it 100% from the time you arrive till the time you leave at night. Not 20% here and 80% there, 100% all the time! You gave your word, this business gave you an opportunity and they don’t owe you a damn thing! You owe them for the paycheck that pays your bills.

If you change jobs or move on to a higher level within the company (listen closely this one is a big one) don’t under any circumstance bitch about your old job, your co-workers, the hours, your boss or any other aspect of your former occupation! I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people doing this and it always ends up biting them in the ass! Once when I was younger I applied for a driving job with a local beer vender. I made the final round of interviews and although it was a driving job, this vender was a nationally owned company with excellent benefits along with a pay scale that would have doubled my current cash flow! I wanted it bad! My final interview was a slam dunk! When I got home I just knew the job was mine! The phone rang an hour later; it was the human resources director politely informing me I had been passed over for the position! My heart sank, when I asked why, he was kind enough to explain at one point during the interview when asked about my current employer I had made a few off the cuff, derogatory remarks.  If it weren’t for those remarks which showed a lack of character from the company’s point of view the job would have been mine.  Lesson learned.

When it ends up becoming your job to correct problems within a company remember to complain up not down. Never ever let your subordinates hear you bad mouth your bosses! It just sets the tone for them to do exactly the same when you are not around.

Always lead by example. Nothing helps you climb the ladder quicker.  Ass kissing may work in the short term, but in the long run you will be labeled just that, an ass kisser.  No one will ever respect you or the work you perform.

Show up early.  Anyone can roll in with minutes to spare, but is that who you really are? The employee so disorganized, so lacking any care for the company or business you represent that you can’t show common courtesy and arrive a few minutes early to greet your co-workers.

Don’t say you can accomplish a task if you can’t.

If you need help ask for it, don’t run around acting like you know what you are doing when you clearly don’t.  Remember most people with little effort can spot a poser a mile away.

There was a time early on, when I held three jobs at once.  I said yes to all three of my bosses no matter the task.  Sometimes the three would overlap, leaving me feeling as though I was a hamster on a treadmill.  My work was always substandard and I was exhausted all the time. Never take on more than you can handle. It is one thing to get ahead, but at what cost? No kidding, thought that year I was going to have a heart attack!

That’s all for today! My next blog entry will encompass love, women, dating and relationships.

Lord help me…..

An American oxymoron…

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My 13 year old asked me the other day while watching Top Gear, a television show that originated in the UK and has grown to a spin off in the United States.

Dad; what is the difference between a GMC truck and a Chevrolet truck?

Sitting back in my chair, realizing this was a moment where I could lay waste to any positive view he may hold towards these vehicles with a short idiotic tirade, I gathered my thoughts leaned down, put my arm around him and using my best Ward Cleaver laid this little number upon his unsuspecting bewildered eyes.

Ahhhh-hemmmm!

(Clearing my throat, using my best grandpa jones old man inflection)

The difference between them son is symbolic of the widening indifference in our countries mental acuity.  You see when our country was young, led by intelligent, strong willed, dedicated individuals we as a country knew the difference between right or wrong. A child could play in the street without fear, a woman was revered by men, a mom was considered the, be all end all of every child, and your house was your home, not a temporary storage area until you moved again hoping to make an extra buck.  Community meant that everyone cared about their town and participated in its growth.  You didn’t just live there to commute somewhere else without a care in the world about your neighbors or their well being.

The difference clearly rested in a country becoming accepting of all races and religions without prejudice.  Remembering we are all products of family members who immigrated here and just because we are third or fourth generation doesn’t mean we hold some inalienable right over others trying to achieve the same dreams. Yet that is exactly what we continue to do and every race and ethnicity is as guilty as the next when it comes to this process. Our country started with the ability to parent each other’s children without fear of retribution, living under the guise of “it takes a village”.  Education was a number one priority and teachers were revered for success afforded them through flexibility not unattainable federal guidance. Teachers are taught to “have the power” and “Show students the way” yet due to spineless administrators and frivolous lawsuits our children have all the power backed by parents wanting an education for their children but refusing to back any teachers play when it comes to their precious heathens.

Oh yes son the difference is clear as daylight! For you see in this country we have allowed so many to abuse the legal system for so long that a citizen of the United States is now considered guilty until proven innocent. Prisoners have all the rights and citizens have little to no protection from the criminals.  Our police forces have been told to uphold the law using the iron fist of justice, yet the iron fist has been reduced to cheap tin and is now tied behind every officers back leaving them unable to complete any given task or have the appropriate authority to do so.

In god we trust is upon every dollar yet church and state has been cited as a conflict of moral/ethical principal. The difference is right in front of your face son. Hold the door for a woman today and you are oppressing her right to equality, don’t hold the door and you are rude self centered man. Rape and abuse are the center of every television drama, glorified for all to see which seems to be an oxymoron in a civilized society.  The real housewives of any city USA are a ratings boom feeding these women millions of dollars. As American women we should be ashamed of these poor excuses for humans yet we glorify their shallow self centered struggles. Meet any woman who behaves as they do in real life (not reality TV) and she is instantly a trash talked bitch cut from the pack and left to obscurity.

What is the difference? ah yes, everyone gets a trophy when playing sports and no one loses; because if we have all winners that means someone will feel bad about losing, possibly stunting their ability to feel good about themselves in the future.  It also means that no one person will know what it feels like to truly succeed at something through failure, there bye over time eliminating the need to perform and win from our genetic make-up.

Our society is told to go outside and live life daily, these directions come from the confines of a television we paid way too much money for because its quality is so good you actually feel as though you are there, thusly preventing you from actually being outside. The difference is complaining about the rain while sniveling about the sun, whining about the heat while crying about how cold it has become!

The differences are right in front of you, you are bombarded with them every day.   WE (Americans) choose what we believe in as individuals, then we stick to it come hell or high water! Its what makes us great as a society, but its also what may in fact lead to our downfall.

In reality there are no real differences, a tweak here a few horsepower there, but essentially the very same truck. Over the last 100 years “we the people” have become so blinded by the Hollywood glow of some that lead, so ethically corrupted by misled faith, disenchanted with reality, bought off by envy and the American advertising machine that handles everything from a bar of soap to the Presidency, that “we the people” actually believe  there is a tangible difference between a GMC and a Chevy truck.

If you don’t think other countries aren’t laughing at our pig headed stupidity then drive down to your local Honda/Acura-Nissan/Infinity- Toyota/Lexus dealers and see who is having the last laugh at your expense..

Oh yeah, by the way son the GMC truck is waayyyy better than a piece of junk Chevy truck any day! Duh!  Stupid Chevy owners…

 

 

Over the hill and through the woods to grandmothers house we go?

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I get it! I finally understand! It has taken decades but like a thunderbolt cracking reality upon my world I finally see the whole picture clearly!

Today while doing laundry I found myself quietly cursing my children as I sorted through new bath towels that strangely looked to be around 10 years old! Stained, drug through the dirt, torn at one end, it infuriated me that none of our stuff ever stays nice for very long. Why?

Our children are raised with love, understanding, moral values, and respect for others belongings, yet apparently we forgot to add an addendum to these teachings to include our own material objects.

Walking the property there is garbage just thrown to the ground, toys left outside to rot, bikes dumped where ever the moment has taken them; drinking glasses left in the sun to fade, dishes scattered about under trees, alongside rocks, near the horse pastures and clothes, Oh the clothes scattered from one end of our property to the other! Its insane! I pull my hat off and scratch the old noggin with the fervor of an impending phsychotic episode. What have we done wrong, where did we fail?

Moving into the house for a little respite from collecting wayward articles I note the towel rack is askew, ripped from the sheet rock then placed back into the mounting holes as if no one would notice. Same goes for the toilet paper dispenser, as if the movement was so abrupt little hands felt the need for hulk like strength whilst grasping this handle like object. Pee on the floor near the toilet, water pooled in front of the shower, in fact wood rot has been detected near the corner of our downstairs shower due to our children’s inability to close the shower door while bathing. It smothers the youngest ones free spirit while under the rainforest showerhead you see. Moving upstairs a trail of discarded clothing is gathered, I find myself counting numerous holes knocked into the sheetrock heading up our banister. Reaching the top I find carpet torn and several stains from god know what! Turning towards their rooms toys are scattered, clothes are thrown on the ground, beds are tossed like that of a prison cell check! We just cleaned this room not more than 14 hours ago and it’s already beyond recognition, looking as though a fragment grenade went off dead center leaving shrapnel everywhere! Luckily the only casualty was a stuffed bear, seems he’s lost a limb, although judging from the bout of thunderous noise coming through the upstairs floor last night he may have been a casualty of a good old-fashioned wrestling death match!

Back to laundry! Why, oh why do our children insist on wearing our socks? They tromp out the door, happy little smiles on their faces headed off to school and I sit back reveling in the glow of great parenthood. Then I realize they aren’t happy, the monsters are quietly gloating! Gloating about the fact they know you are going to be throwing a fit in about a half hour while trying to find a matching sock! Losing your freaking mind because you are the one who is late and not them! But look for that sock all you want you wont find it! Jr’s got it on as a supplement to the one he couldnt find! Jokes on you dad!!!!

By the way don’t even think about heading into the pantry to get that little breakfast goody you’ve been hiding! It was discovered by one of your little heathens two days ago! Then the little booger wrapped up the package to look as though the pastry was still inside, still one piece all perfect and pretty as though it just arrived from the market! Sneakily placing it back hoping you would never notice. Ha ha, too late you go hungry! Once again Jokes on you dad!

Our furniture is damaged with nicks and rings from shoes and sodas. The couch is always covered in after school sports gunk, because no matter how many times you ask them to shower first they always come home and plop their sweaty little carcasses onto the high dollar pleather! It’s no wonder when we entertain company the darn thing smells like a gym locker filled with week old sweaty gym socks! gross!

The flowers are trampled the lawn is on its deathbed regardless of my green thumb resuscitation. The fence is always losing one board or another from football games in the backyard. There are ropes hanging from trees, hot wheels in the most odd places as if Evil Knievel himself were trying to jump the gorge that traverses our back 40! It is sometimes more than a parent can handle, leaving you defeated, deflated and bewildered.

So what was my epiphany? What finally lit a bulb over my head for a super Ah Ha moment?

When I was kid I loved going to my grandparents house. The house was neat, clean and cool. Thier stuff was always the nicest, they were always happy to see us and their faces were always covered with bright happy smiles! Sometimes when we would leave I would look out the rear window to wave goodbye and there grandma would be hands over her face, crying just a little! She was so sad to see us go that tears would stream down her face! It was awesome!

I finally understand why…

The house was clean because no children lived there! Their stuff was really nice because no children lived there, they were always happy to see us because (you guessed it)no children lived in thier house! You see they knew we would leave long before we had a chance to really destroy anything! Sometimes our grandparents did cry, but not because they were sad at our departure, on the contrary; because finally peaceful serenity returned to stay! Life without destruction, whining, crying, temper tantrums, snotty noses and chaos was back on the agenda. Did they love us, yes, but they had done their time, hard time too. Our parents had grown up, thier parents were paroled and like a prisoner on visiting day they were happy to see us visit and sad to see us go, but go we must.

So I too look forward to the day my wife and I sit before the parental parole board earning our freedom. Finally left to our own devices without chaos and destruction ruling our every moment…..

Wait a moment on second thought, maybe ill just have a beer, sit back and watch for a while as our children conspire then try to take over the world. No need to rush things I suppose.

Besides I still have plenty of time to repair, replace, construct and carefully plot my revenge….

Waking up=Suck

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Waking up this morning from a short night of slumber, I sat at the edge of my firehouse bunk slowly orienting myself to time, place and event.

Time: 0600=Sucks!

Place: Still at work not home next to my lovely wife=Sucks!

Event: Daily awakening from crappy slumber after night of running calls= Suck!

As I rolled my eyes around the room, shedding “suck” from the moment, dreams that occupied my brain during the night began flashing forward like bright, stop motion photography.  Some nights they easily dissipate like the mist, while other mornings they linger, playing over and over again like a bad date or a misspoken word during the most inopportune of moments.  Groundhog day…

This morning was different from the others, as I replayed each and every one of my night’s adventures I was reminded of an article that caught my attention sometime back.  The article dealt specifically with dreams and their process; the gist of it stated every morning after a solid night of dreams you should arise and immediately write down the events that occurred. “Hmmm a reporter for your dreams, now there is a job I could handle with ease! The interviews would be tough, for I can be a defensive prick, but I would never let up on myself eventually catching myself with a misspoken word or phrase leading to my cutting edge personality ending up on TMZ!”  In time you will either become enlightened or befuddled, contemplating a good stiff drink (even if you are not the drinking kind). 

A cup of coffee, the morning news and yet I am left wondering about last night’s slumber filled adventures. What do they mean?? What purpose did these dreams serve and why was my subconscious mired in mystery? Dreams were so much simpler when I was younger!

Then like a brick to the side of the head, a thunderbolt across the bow, Edison’s first look into an invention called the light bulb it comes to me.  No Dr. Freud inspired answer, no years of studying psychology in college; I haven’t read a few books at Borders in regards to the human brain, converting me into an armchair hack, nope just a good old-fashioned Ah Ha moment in the making!

We dream in decades…  I know crazy huh!  Think about it though, we dream in decades! My dreams revolve around an approximate ten-year cycle! A certified block of time short of or equal to the amount of storage space left in this super computer known as a brain!

Our brains works like this…

The Frontal lobe handles planning, reasoning, delving into the emotional aspects of my day; minute by minute, then the Parietal lobe moving, orienting, recognizing and stimulating my every thought! The Occipital spends every second of my being visually processing what is happening then leaving the Temporal Lobe to perceive and recognize sounds, memory and speech!   

The brain can only store so much information, so much emotion; the stresses alone should leave your brain requesting a donor! So it only makes sense that when the brain is resting, it’s dying to have a little fun at your expense! A little ME TIME as it where! Helping purge itself of all these crazy thoughts, dreams aspirations, emotions, desires and dreads that flow daily through your waking hours!  Using its abilities for evil, filling your dreams with unattainable goals (Wendy Peffercorn), aspirations (Steve Austin) and disappointments! I still don’t understand why I am not President of the United States!

While delving back into time at decades past it all makes perfect sense! While in my 1-10 phase of life my little brain lived for the simpler things.  When laying my weary little head down to sleep with blankie, I was filling my brain with thoughts of new bicycles, model cars, skateboards, G.I. Joes and Atari game systems!  Nightmares revolved around falling from unknown heights, being chased by dark scary men across deserts, jungles and inner cities!  The scary evil monkey who lived in my closet for the love of God!

10-20 my dreams were filled with cars, tractors, scary U.F.O’s, girls, (U.F.O.’s and girls were equally scary) climbing the highest mountains and awaking naked in a classroom filled with the most popular people in school! (Come on who hasn’t dreamt about being naked in class? You’re a liar if you deny it!).  There was lots of fighting in my dreams back then, nothing was more befuddling than arising to find my room thrashed, sheets soaked in sweat and feeling as though I went three rounds with Rocky Balboa! Yo Adrienne!!

20-30 Endless nights filled with dreams about wealth, expensive cars, drugs, and dying! (It was the eighties after all, could have been a little Magnum PI/Miami Vice thing going on or the constant watching of the period classic “The secret of my success”).  Of course my sleep during this decade was relegated to where and when as working multiple jobs at once early on then moving to a dairy where there are no days off led to round the clock efforts!  Once I started driving truck it only got worse and my dream cycle latched onto the whole dying theme! Usually a grotesque mangled death inside my truck! Yuck! What kind cruel trick is that for my mind to play upon myself!  Sick bastard!!

30-40’s my dreams changed as did life! My income was finally stable, everything revolved around the growth and safety of my children! Slowly evolving, changing me into Marlin the clown fish from Finding Nemo!

No little ones you can’t swim out past the reef it’s too dangerous! You just aren’t ready!!!!

Ahh dad, who cares if I have one little fin instead of two I can do it!

Yeah the kids pretty much hated me during this period! 

Now at 46 I fear being alone; my children are growing so fast and Marlin is slowly releasing his grip around the neck of adventure, allowing the children to explore, challenge themselves, unhampered even by their fathers’ best efforts!

So what does my 50-60’s have in store for my personal dream factory? Will I wake up rubbing my eyes and start pacing in circles screaming “MAKE IT GO AWAY, MAKE IT GO AWAY”!  Or will I be an oasis of relaxation where my brain quietly goes to recharge every night with me awakening next to my lovely bride, smile on my Charlie Brown Face and no fear of the unknown. The darkness that lurks deep inside gone forever!

Now that would not =Suck!

 

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An excellent blog about the travesty that is America’s unspoken sex life…

A Confederacy of Spinsters

Sex.

Three little letters, one natural act, and – if you’re a twenty-something – the potential for a lifetime of guilt. Wait. That’s not right, is it? This is sex we’re talking about, the thing that is supposed to be so much fun that it’s all newlyweds, teenagers, and rabbits would do, if they didn’t have to pause for food. Sex is so great we’ve dedicated most of the internet to watching it and most of high school to giggling about it. Yet, if sex is the be-all-end-all pleasure of human existence, why do so many of us have issues with it?

Oh, right, guilt. ALL THE BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF GUILT. If we’re not worried we’re going to Hell for doing it before marriage, we’re freaking out that our oral sex technique is sub-par, or that sleeping with one more person will make us Head Slut of the Whore…

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