I get it! I finally understand! It has taken decades but like a thunderbolt cracking reality upon my world I finally see the whole picture clearly!

Today while doing laundry I found myself quietly cursing my children as I sorted through new bath towels that strangely looked to be around 10 years old! Stained, drug through the dirt, torn at one end, it infuriated me that none of our stuff ever stays nice for very long. Why?

Our children are raised with love, understanding, moral values, and respect for others belongings, yet apparently we forgot to add an addendum to these teachings to include our own material objects.

Walking the property there is garbage just thrown to the ground, toys left outside to rot, bikes dumped where ever the moment has taken them; drinking glasses left in the sun to fade, dishes scattered about under trees, alongside rocks, near the horse pastures and clothes, Oh the clothes scattered from one end of our property to the other! Its insane! I pull my hat off and scratch the old noggin with the fervor of an impending phsychotic episode. What have we done wrong, where did we fail?

Moving into the house for a little respite from collecting wayward articles I note the towel rack is askew, ripped from the sheet rock then placed back into the mounting holes as if no one would notice. Same goes for the toilet paper dispenser, as if the movement was so abrupt little hands felt the need for hulk like strength whilst grasping this handle like object. Pee on the floor near the toilet, water pooled in front of the shower, in fact wood rot has been detected near the corner of our downstairs shower due to our children’s inability to close the shower door while bathing. It smothers the youngest ones free spirit while under the rainforest showerhead you see. Moving upstairs a trail of discarded clothing is gathered, I find myself counting numerous holes knocked into the sheetrock heading up our banister. Reaching the top I find carpet torn and several stains from god know what! Turning towards their rooms toys are scattered, clothes are thrown on the ground, beds are tossed like that of a prison cell check! We just cleaned this room not more than 14 hours ago and it’s already beyond recognition, looking as though a fragment grenade went off dead center leaving shrapnel everywhere! Luckily the only casualty was a stuffed bear, seems he’s lost a limb, although judging from the bout of thunderous noise coming through the upstairs floor last night he may have been a casualty of a good old-fashioned wrestling death match!

Back to laundry! Why, oh why do our children insist on wearing our socks? They tromp out the door, happy little smiles on their faces headed off to school and I sit back reveling in the glow of great parenthood. Then I realize they aren’t happy, the monsters are quietly gloating! Gloating about the fact they know you are going to be throwing a fit in about a half hour while trying to find a matching sock! Losing your freaking mind because you are the one who is late and not them! But look for that sock all you want you wont find it! Jr’s got it on as a supplement to the one he couldnt find! Jokes on you dad!!!!

By the way don’t even think about heading into the pantry to get that little breakfast goody you’ve been hiding! It was discovered by one of your little heathens two days ago! Then the little booger wrapped up the package to look as though the pastry was still inside, still one piece all perfect and pretty as though it just arrived from the market! Sneakily placing it back hoping you would never notice. Ha ha, too late you go hungry! Once again Jokes on you dad!

Our furniture is damaged with nicks and rings from shoes and sodas. The couch is always covered in after school sports gunk, because no matter how many times you ask them to shower first they always come home and plop their sweaty little carcasses onto the high dollar pleather! It’s no wonder when we entertain company the darn thing smells like a gym locker filled with week old sweaty gym socks! gross!

The flowers are trampled the lawn is on its deathbed regardless of my green thumb resuscitation. The fence is always losing one board or another from football games in the backyard. There are ropes hanging from trees, hot wheels in the most odd places as if Evil Knievel himself were trying to jump the gorge that traverses our back 40! It is sometimes more than a parent can handle, leaving you defeated, deflated and bewildered.

So what was my epiphany? What finally lit a bulb over my head for a super Ah Ha moment?

When I was kid I loved going to my grandparents house. The house was neat, clean and cool. Thier stuff was always the nicest, they were always happy to see us and their faces were always covered with bright happy smiles! Sometimes when we would leave I would look out the rear window to wave goodbye and there grandma would be hands over her face, crying just a little! She was so sad to see us go that tears would stream down her face! It was awesome!

I finally understand why…

The house was clean because no children lived there! Their stuff was really nice because no children lived there, they were always happy to see us because (you guessed it)no children lived in thier house! You see they knew we would leave long before we had a chance to really destroy anything! Sometimes our grandparents did cry, but not because they were sad at our departure, on the contrary; because finally peaceful serenity returned to stay! Life without destruction, whining, crying, temper tantrums, snotty noses and chaos was back on the agenda. Did they love us, yes, but they had done their time, hard time too. Our parents had grown up, thier parents were paroled and like a prisoner on visiting day they were happy to see us visit and sad to see us go, but go we must.

So I too look forward to the day my wife and I sit before the parental parole board earning our freedom. Finally left to our own devices without chaos and destruction ruling our every moment…..

Wait a moment on second thought, maybe ill just have a beer, sit back and watch for a while as our children conspire then try to take over the world. No need to rush things I suppose.

Besides I still have plenty of time to repair, replace, construct and carefully plot my revenge….