Resolutions…….

 

2013

Well I wasn’t going to do it! I promised myself and screamed to all who would listen! No way in hell was there any chance of me writing about New Year’s resolutions.  Everyone does it; the blogosphere is loaded with rambling and grumblings about new promises, kept promises from years past and flat out lies.  Nope, no way! It just wasn’t going to happen!

Then it dawned on me.  We; as in the human race aren’t supposed to be here! The world according to the Mayan culture along with several mayanthousand overly educated individuals was to have met its fiery demise on December 21st! Yet here we are, 7 full days after the end of the world and a mere 3 days from the beginning of a new recording of time (2013).

So what does this all mean for me and the loathing I hold towards New Year’s resolutions?

It’s a new age, a new beginning, it’s the first day of the rest of my life, and therefore I should put aside my personal feelings and be celebrating not commiserating. The very thought of making resolutions once a year to solidify the minor changes one should make accordingly throughout the year long cycle is absurd at best! Yet for some reason my heart feels obliged to give it a shot.  2013 New beginning, first days and all, it just makes plain good old sporting sense..

So here it goes!

I Betty resolve in 2013 too…

Not be so damn sarcastic! Shit I have already failed…. I TOLD YOU THIS WOULDN’T WORK!!!

Ok I’ll try again…

I Betty do solemnly resolve in 2013 too…

Quit being so angry: unless of course the situation warrants it, or it’s needed to purposely expound a point! Or my Irish becomes inflamed, or even if I am trapped in a situation where tolerance over ignorance shown towards stay at home fathers and dads inscreamer general becomes more than I can take, thusly leaving me no choice but to rage against a proponent with my expert use of the English language in an obscure tirade upon my blog. Yeah passive aggressive attack, that’s the ticket! See it’s easy to put aside blood boiling rage and quit being so angry! Maybe this isn’t so bad! Let’s try another one!

Laugh more with my children: A child’s laughter is a gift from god and should be enjoyed every chance we get. Plus by sharing in the laughter you are helping teach your children to laugh and relax, thereby allowing them to share the very same learned expressions with friends, ultimately leading to your children being able to laugh at themselves; a good quality by the way.  Of course there is the exception to the rule; you know when they are laughing 9-11-2011 011and you are not due to them having done something so erroneous there can be no alternative emotion than to become irritated.  Such as finding pee all over the bathroom floor and dripping down the sides of the toilet!  Recognizing the difference between light dirt and poo smeared across the shower curtain! Oh yes, because apparently our little angels eyeballs haven’t developed to the point of recognizing the need for toilet paper BEFORE sitting down to do their business! Yet the pea sized brain has acquired a MacGyver like reflex allowing them the ability to think quickly and improvise in sticky situations leading to the shower curtain being used as Charmin!  Yeah the laughter is real hearty while donning latex gloves and decontaminating the old levorotary! Laughter has a tendency to fall off the charts after I have told them several  times to clean their rooms and all they’ve done is throw a sheet on theirpoop beds after shoving everything that was on the floor under the bed and into the closet! Or after begging them to feed their animals before dark only to be ignored! Now that it’s dark outside no one is going to go out to the barn and feed, so instead of having just done it the first time they were asked they throw a crying screaming fit about how scared they are in the dark and they really shouldn’t have to go out and feed now cause it’s just too damn scary! Yep more laughing is coming right up in 2013!

Eat healthier foods: last year was a real life changer for me in this department! Eating was not just a means for sustenance it was an event! Big breakfast, big lunch and even bigger dinners! The only exercise my body partook in was getting a beer from the fridge along with the subsequent 12 ounce curls that followed! But I made images (7)a change and lost 20 pounds this year alone! So I promise to keep up the good work with a solid diet and exercise to match!  Holidays will be the exception of course. Where I shall continue to stuff my face with all the greatest holiday creations one can muster! Cookies, chocolate, mince pies, cupcakes, more chocolate, apple pies, pumpkin pies, candies of all sizes and did I mention chocolate? Other than that all healthy foods, in small portions; oops I need to also include dinners at the firehouse as an exemption, I mean I really have no control over what someone else cooks, and I wouldn’t want  to be perceived as rude so firehouse dinners are definitely out! But for every other meal, Yes! Better, healthier foods coming right up!

Go green in 2013! Our family is a huge believer in replenishing our resources by reusing and recycling! Nothing brings us a greater sense of good than helping out our environment! We placed windmills on the roof of our shop to produce electricity and are looking forward to possibly placing solar panels on the property generating more electricity for ourselves and others who may benefit! But we have one larger issue. We need to purchase a fuel efficient “green” truck, yet the last time I checked they don’t make a fuel efficient “green” vehicle to replace my 3/4 ton diesel truck cowcarthat is connected to a horse trailer pretty much all week long and in today’s economy it really isn’t feasible to purchase a “green” car and a new “lesser carbon footprint” truck to replace my tattered old truck! So to go green it’s going to cost us well over $100,000 dollars! Who the hell has that kind of cash lying around? Cold day in hell before a loan for $100,000.00 is taken out under my name for anything other than a house! Maybe I should just stay focused on recycling materials? Smokey truck, recycling cans, see one offsets the other, I am already ahead for 2013!

Drink less alcohol: Social drinking has always been a big part of my life! Nothing beats having a brew with your buds or a glass of wine with your lovely wife! At three in the morning when you have had to much, just get up, hover over the toilet and purge away!  Good times and weight loss rolled into one! Yet having cut back dramatically in 2012 I have recognized the need to do more! 

barfingDrinking can definitely become a health concern and at my age I really need to be focusing more attention on life longevity.  Speaking of life longevity on the Dr. Oz show I saw red wine is actually good for you! Seriously, a couple of glasses a night are supposedly good for your heart! Man that’s like almost a bottle a night! Yee Ha!  Maybe I’ll have to re-think the whole drinking even less theory and look into the redeeming factors associated with Jack Daniels too? Anyone?

There you have it! Betty has gone against his better judgment and laid out five resolutions for 2013! Funny though, I feel as if they are destined for failure and I am not sure why?  Maybe it’s that whole sarcasm resolution I failed in the beginning.  Hmmmmmm…..

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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Those who say you will never amount to anything are really just projecting their own fallacies.  Its bullying through intimidation.  Hold your head high, be proud of who you are and thrive.  Carry on that is all..

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What horses taught me..

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What horses taught me about myself and raising children?

Horses have always at one time or another been a part of my life.  During a very long period I did my best to refuse any knowledge of i-phone pics 002their existence.  Carefully placing walls up around my feelings, hoping to keep them hidden for eternity.  When people would broach the subject, my lips were sealed, if someone in the room asked: have you ever owned horses? My moral character would never allow me to lie in regards to the subject, but my explanation was usually short and sweet;

My parents owned horses; I was raised on a working horse ranch complete with 15 stall barn, paddocks, hot walker, roping arena and cattle chutes.  We had a trainer for a while and the business always seemed to be the root of my parents quarreling.  Dad was the president of a local horseman’s association and although at the time horses were not my favorite animals, some of my fondest memories were hanging out at horse shows, eating hamburgers and playing under the grandstands.  The monthly meetings were also on my fond memories list.  The people my parents associated with were all wonderful and cared about everyone’s kids! We sat at the bar, drank 7-up with cherries in them and overlooked the valley below.  Can I ride a horse? Yes. Do I want horses? No! End of discussion.

What I never realized until just recently was raising horses as a child set me up for success as an adult.  Learning to care for these creatures on a daily basis was actually the first step in learning to care for myself and others.  I know it sounds crazy but it also allowed me the opportunity to fail miserably without actually harming imagesCAJ72HWVanyone, as my parents were right there to chastise, redirect and place me back on the proper course with each and every animal regardless of how much I bucked the system.  Horses are very forgiving animals, if you are late feeding them they won’t complain, missed cleaning their stall that afternoon, not a word said, didn’t get to riding them, they will let you know the first couple of minutes in the arena but it’s nothing a little re-direction won’t fix and after a pet or two on the head all is right with the world.

So how did horses re-enter my life and what does it have to do with raising children?

mom and dadMarried with children; horses re-entered my life under the guise of being for the children.  I was pulled back into the equine world kicking and screaming by a wife wise beyond her years when it came to dealing with my absolute stubbornness.  As I ranted and raved about reliving my parents quarreling over money and animals, as I clenched my fists and retorted with barbs about horses being the devil and all who possess them are crazy! My wife calmly reminded me it wasn’t about me, it wasn’t about the anger I harbored towards an existence that was a lifetime ago brought about by a mind not fully developed but mired in the process of youth.  I regaled the horror of taking care of animals and how I didn’t want my children hurt, trampled, kicked, bit or thrown from these four legged beasts.  My projectswife would remind me our children were already taking care of animal projects for 4-H and this was just an extension of those duties.  Before long my grip on the past loosened, the mental walls were knocked down and we became horse owners.  My children began riding, my wife began riding, I returned to the saddle and our future in the horse world was set on a collision course with my past.

the familyJake and Haley

Today; all of my children ride horses, one not as much as the other three but he enjoys cleaning stalls and helping out when he can. Our children are not left to sit on the sidelines as we were all those years ago.

cody They ride and they ride fairly well; they make mistakes, learn from those mistakes and look forward to every chance they get to “show” their horses. Do I expect them to win? No! Am I proud of them whether they do well or not? Yes! It will be some of the very best memories ever retained and upon my death bed, as my eyes begin to close and darkness overtakes me I hope to picture these children of mine smiling having fun, still small able to fit in my arms, full of love for their animals and their father.  

cassieI ride a cutting horse; as my parents rode in shows, I too am in the  ring doing my best.  We belong to an association and I became a board member.  Cutting is always on my mind! How to become better, how to make my horse better, how to just relax and get the hell out of my horses way because she actually knows what she’s doing and on several occasions really just doesn’t need my help.  Either way I am obsessed and cannot wait until the show season starts again.

My wife rides any horse she can get her hands on.  The challenge of a new horse along with the exhilaration that comes from an unknown is always on her mind.  Her personal horse is a blazegigantic Belgian draft who is sweet and believes to be a puppy dog.  She follows you around everywhere, wanting to do everything to make you proud of her. She loves being pet, brushed and ridden, we couldn’t have asked for a better animal for our family. We have made friends with some very wonderful people through this the girlsprocess, friends I believe we will have for life.  These fantastic people are of the very same character surrounding me as a child.  My children are reaping the benefits.

We have many horses; we board a few horses, and have built up a very nice place for our children to be raised and their friends to come play.  Nothing brings a greater joy to my wife and I then introducing a child to the joys of riding horses!

With time/age comes wisdom and with that wisdom comes the uncontrollable urge to share.  So here are ten things horses have taught me about myself and raising children.

  1. Frustration manifests into anger and there is no place for either when training a horse or raising a child.
  2. Forgiveness is felt and received by both children and horses. If you show forgiveness, you teach forgiveness. Then forgiveness is shown in return.
  3. Trust is earned.  You may not think you need to earn trust with your children but you would be dead wrong. The same goes for a horse. If a horse doesn’t trust you, your relationship is dead in the water.
  4. Having the ability to express love is one of the most important attributes human beings hold.  Show that love in every aspect of what you do.
  5. Discipline must be fair, just and repeated the same each and every time.  Then it should be followed by number 4, thus reaffirming your commitment.
  6. Talking will always calm their nerves.  A nervous animal can be dangerous, so can quite a few children I have known over the years.  Talking with them, showing interest and care usually will bring nervousness to an end allowing them both to build a confidence that will expand with age.
  7. What you put in their bodies will equate to what you receive in performance. If you expect your horses to perform, feed them well.  If you expect your children to perform well, both educationally and athletically, make sure they have nutritious food at their disposal.
  8. Give them a warm safe place to call home.  Everyone, even animals need a safe place to call home. It builds security and confidence, and grounds both animals and humans alike.
  9. When children or horses make a mistake. Forgive them, correct them and allow them the opportunity to get it right.  We all make mistakes; treating either one as though you are perfect all the time will eventually lead you down a path of failure.
  10. Keep them clean and groomed.  It sounds silly but as your child feels good about a new outfit for school, so does your horse feel about being clean, brushed and prepared for a day of being worked or ridden on the trail.  It’s in our make up to always want to look good.  You always notice that gorgeous stallion with the long flowing mane and tail, so does a mare. You also always notice the kid you took the time and effort to dress appropriately.  Make that your kid and your horse.

As you can see my life has come full circle.  My children take care of family rideanimals, feeding, watering, riding, and showing them love. It’s not always done right, but they try, we redirect and success is always on the horizon. The lessons of my childhood, expanded upon and being re-taught to my unsuspecting little sponges! Hopefully when they are grown adults our children will continue to expand upon these lessons and not place them in a closet of emotion wasting years on anger that could have been used to further enjoy a platform we have provided them for life.

 my kids

A snowball effect….

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The other night after a long day of he said, she said, don’t touch me, and leave me alone along with all the other phrases (both appropriate and inappropriate) reverberating through an active family household.  I found myself stressed beyond belief.  My chest hurt, the lungs yearned for air, a mildly cold sweat lay across my brow and my stomach hurt.  The only thing I could ponder was how much longer until they all were grown.

Of course I have no room to complain because there are the 48 hours straight I am at work, holed up in my firehouse the last bastion of supposed sanity from the trials and tribulations of being a full-time parent! My poor wife does not enjoy such luxury.  But then again aren’t all us firefighters really just kids with badges and super cool toys we use to help the public?  Anyways that night had taken quite the toll on both my wife and I.  All we could think about was the peace and quiet that came with bedtime.  Then something wonderful happened that brought me back to reality.

We baked cookies…

Yep that’s right its Christmas time and nothing says “I care about you” more than fresh-baked cookies! It really is the best Christmas present ever! I would personally take 20 tins of delicious cookies from loved ones over someone spending money on something they hope I will like!  Cookies, chocolate, brownies, mince pies they all say “hey buddy its Christmas and I was baked just for you” enjoy! But these cookies, oh these cookies are super special! Every year we bake these little doughy droplets of gold and place them in specially purchased Christmas tins then set out across town “ to snowball”.

Definition: To Snowball; During Christmas time only, place a tin of cookies with an anonymous uplifting note on the front porch of an unsuspecting family.  Ring doorbell, knock loudly on door and run!!!

Snowball has become a very special part of our Christmas traditions! The children look forward to it every year almost as much as Christmas morning itself!  Snowball is treated like a covert mission, complete with blacked out car, dark clothing and squealing tires. Giggling is inevitable as mishaps are also a part of the fun.  Falling over hedges, tripping before reaching the car, only to beimages (29) grabbed by an older brother and pulled in as the car rips away from the scene! No man left behind is our motto! On one occasion one of the boys had to hide under a hedge just feet from the front door as it was opened by the homeowner before a full retreat was completed! It’s just plain, good old-fashioned Christmas fun! We hand out yummy goodies; hopefully make someone’s night with no expectation of reciprocation.  Then hope it leaves a snowball effect on its recipients, passing good cheer forward for the holidays. This is the way we enjoy observing Christmas, it truly feels better to give than receive!!

As we are preparing for our night of Christmas ninja stealth, the children all do something unheard of lately.  They begin to get along, working together as one to complete this monumental task.  My wife and I step back out of the kitchen and even though the urge to take over and correct small mistakes is astronomical we don’t.  She moves into the family room to watch TV, and I hover around the front room images (28)tending the fire and staring in awe.  My oldest works like a baker, carefully tossing out flour, and rolling the dough out to perfection while the others take turns cutting out cookies made of angels, snowmen, stars and mistletoe.  The middle boy handles placing them carefully on cookie sheets and transfers them back and forth from the oven only asking that I place them inside while removing the cooked ones.  It was seriously the happiest, stress less, most magical moment I’ve had around our children in a while.  It truly made our night.  My wife iced them with green and white frosting then placed them carefully into round Christmas covered containers.  She wrote another fantastic letter and we all called it a night with smiles upon our egg-nog covered faces.

One simple act of doing for others as a family can erase hours of selfish bickering.  I am often reminded of a very simple saying; you only have one childhood with your children. Enjoy it!

When things get stressful, bake some cookies together and let them be children.  All will look better in the end and your stress will subside. I promise…..

Merry Christmas!

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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Mamma always said life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you gonna get……

Bullshit!

Because once you open it all your friends will pounce on it and then you damn sure know what you gonna get! That little Peanut Brittle nugget, cause in a box of chocolates no one wants the god damn Peanut Brittle!!

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So unless you are willing to eat peanut brittle all Christmas long, keep your box of chocolate to yourself.  Just saying..

Carry on that is all…

My Words of Wisdom for the Day

Actions speak louder than words, unless you’re being screamed at due to your actions. Then it all becomes loud and clear! Just saying…
Carry on that is all….

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A Horse of Gold……

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This is the story of a horse. A very special horse..

Now if you follow my blog then you know here at Betty’s house we ride horses competitively (cutting horses, gymkhana) and for fun (trail riding, etc.). Nothing brings our family greater satisfaction than introducing a child to the joys of riding horses. The feeling of freedom so many never experience in a lifetime that comes from loping in an arena aboard a 1500 pound animal.

But it wasn’t always that way here at our ranch.  There was a time when if I never saw another horse again it would be too soon.  Growing up on a horse ranch as a child, I had my fill of horses and the chores that went along with raising these four-legged beasts. I never understood why they came before us children? My self-centered life revolved around much more important things than feeding and watering them twice a day.  It was always an inconvenience for me and I was a sniveling pain in the ass to my parents.

Why?

Simply put, I was too young and self-absorbed to realize these chores equated to valuable life lessons instilled by my parents.  Lessons that would form who I became, as life away from home molded me into the man I am today.  Animals have a way of inadvertently teaching, by forcing you to learn responsibility, punctuality, empathy, kindness, courage and patience.  I learned all these important traits from begrudgingly taking care of horses and sheep on our ranch.

So what does this have to do with a story about a horse?

When I left home, animals had left a bad taste in my mouth. I swore to the heavens above I would never, ever own a horse again.  As a young adult I worked with a few horses on a dairy and would ride them any chance I could while hanging out with friends. My skills were average but I could hold my own using lessons taught by my mother.  The reality? I never was looking to head down the old equine trail ever again.  You see all those years of watching my parents struggle to make ends meet while raising, training, showing and riding horses combined with the responsibility of feeding, watering and caring for these creatures left me feeling very strongly in regards to never owning a horse.

When I was a teenager my parents dissolved the horse business, selling off all their animals, taking jobs in town and soon purchasing and raising ostriches for meat. No more horses! Hurray! Life seemed pretty good.

Then one day my dad purchased a horse named Gold Piece.  He was—–Gold—– I know hard to believe huh? He was a Tennessee walker.

The Tennessee Walker or Tennessee Walking Horse is a breed of riding horse. Originally bred in the Southern United States to carry the owners of plantations around their lands,[1] this breed is known for their unique four-beat “running walk.” The breed is rarely seen in any of the sport horse disciplines; however, they are popular in trail riding because of their smooth gait, stamina and easy temper. They are also seen in Western riding disciplines and in harness. –Wikipedia—

Gold Piece was a tall horse with a wonderful gate, he was friendly enough and my father adored him.  My parents built him a fine paddock at their home and Gold Piece quickly became my father’s four legged friend.  There doesn’t seem to be a recollection of my father ever riding Gold Piece although my mother claims she has been atop this steed.  For years Gold Piece just roamed his little 3 acre patch coming in to eat in the morning and talk with my dad (as dad puts it) repeating the same schedule of events in the  evening.

I never understood why someone would own a horse without riding it. Horses to me at the time werent pets, but livestock and should have been used as such. It’s in the animals best interest to be worked and exercised everyday, used to their potential.  So needless to say it bothered me that this horse just walked around, eating his way through my parents finances.  (Complete self-absorption huh?)

My parents eventually sold their home and moved onto our ranch, Gold Piece in tow, allowing them to ease their financial burdens while growing older.  We made a home for the horse and before long seeing him out there ignited a passion inside our children. We acquired a few horses (against my better judgment) and all my children began to ride.  My wife took the lead as her love for all animals carried over into caring for these creatures as well.  All the while Gold Piece just stared blankly from his paddock while watching us do our thing.  I would go pet him and tell him I was sorry he wasnt being ridden then remind him he was dads and I really didn’t want to cross that line.  During the winter my wife found an affordable arena for us to board our horses so the children could ride out of the rain as our place would turn into a bit of a mud pit.  After a few weeks and some favorable reviews to my parents, Gold Piece soon joined us at my father’s request.  It made dad feel good to know his buddy was out of the weather, and socializing with other horses.  My father had developed some health issues that year which slowed him down a bit; so he dropped by the barn everyday when he felt good, every couple of days when he didn’t, but his horse was always there, head hanging out of the stall, happy to see him. In fact it used to make me chuckle, because I could never figure out how the horse knew my father had arrived on the premises.  But sure enough, trucks would come and go, then when dads truck arrived Gold Pieces head would pop right out and he would start licking his lips in anticipation of the apple/oat cookies my dad always carried in his pocket.

One day while watching the kids ride, I tired of sitting on the sidelines, if my dad wasn’t going to ride this horse well gosh darn it I was! I grabbed a saddle, pulled down his bit, tacked him up and moved off into the arena.  Within fifteen minutes my head was abuzz with all the memories of riding horses at my parents ranch as a kid, with friends while growing up, and on trail rides as a young adult. Gold Piece had reignited a passion I had suppressed for far too long.

This horse, single-handedly or Hoofed as the case may be erased my ignorance, awakened the realization my parents hadn’t been punishing me with all those chores as a kid; he helped me understand what I needed to do as a father with my own children and brought back my need to ride, enjoy the thrill of riding, along with competing against other trained animals working as team towards a common goal.  During his tenure at the barn Gold Piece gave many of our young friends their first rides in the arena and he gave my oldest a reason to ride with his father. Always willing and full of steam Gold Piece would go until the verge of collapse if you asked him too.  (Pretty cool horse.)  My younger children seeing their parents ride this big Gold trotting machine wanted to ride every chance they could.  If it wasn’t for Gold Piece my wife and I wouldn’t have met and made friends with a wonderful group of people that we ride horses with to this very day! He and his stubbornness also introduced me to my “sister from another mister”. For that I am very thankful.

Gold Piece wasn’t always perfect, he challenged me every chance he could, made me earn my way around the arena on more than one occasion and taught me through sheer will to ride again, for that I am very appreciative.  But what he lacked in patience under saddle he more than made up for in personality outside the arena.  He never kicked, bit or pushed his weight around. If you were small he side-stepped out of your way while carefully keeping an eye on you. He always let you pet him and was happy to do so.  The little ones had no problem grooming him and he eased under pressure from the brush, much like a cat would purr at a belly rub.  He was just a good old horse.

Gold Piece passed away today.  My daughter found him down in his stall this morning when she went out to feed. He was close to 30, fighting cancer and we all knew the day was coming. But it didn’t make it any easier. My father is devastated.  As I sit here writing this I believe this horse was probably my father’s last true friend; always there when he needed him, never argued or disagreed with him and listened with nothing but the best of intentions. Nothing is harder than watching your dad cry. My mother is doing her best stiff upper lip imitation as always, but I know deep inside she is hurting as well, not just for herself but for the loss of my father’s dear friend.

A funny thing, for all he taught us he never asked for very much in return. He ate his hay, talked to my dad and went about his daily business like that of a proud Tennessee walker. Upon hearing of his passing, a friend of ours dropped us a note on Facebook that read; I think he (Gold Piece) heard there was a little girl from CT that needed him…..It may sound a little crazy but I looked it up on Yahoo news and it’s true. Little 6-year-old spitfire, Jessica Rekos, one of the 20 children that perished at Sandy Hook Elementary School had desperately wished for a horse and was going to get cowboy boots for Christmas.

Because I believe there is a God, because I believe that everything happens for a reason and because I know that horse would never have left my dad for anything in the world, maybe just maybe it’s possible to believe there was a higher calling and he (Gold Piece) answered that call, meeting up in heaven with a little girl who wanted nothing more than a horse of her own. I could think of no greater comfort for such a little soul, and maybe, just maybe her parents can now rest a little easier. The lord will take wonderful care of her as she rides the heavens above upon her beautiful horse of gold.

Rest In Peace both of you, the fields are endless, you are both safe now, god speed…

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Gold Piece-

12/17/2012

My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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A person can only be shit on for so long before they tire of cleaning up your excrement.  Just saying….

Carry on that is all….

Santa Claus or am I really baby Jesus?

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Ah the tinsel, the lights, Christmas music flowing from every car, coffee shop and grocery store around; People buzzing about trying to find the perfect gift for that special someone. The season is here, like it or not, we are enveloped in the Christmas season, may joy and laughter fill the air.

Sooooo on the topic of gifts let’s just take a moment to recognize the mangermain man by saying thank you baby Jesus, cute little baby Jesus all cuddly and snuggly in his precious little wool wrap, perfect in his Jesus like way. For if wasn’t for your birth on that magical manger morning sire, three wise men/kings wouldn’t have traveled from afar (really afar?) to bestow three (Super Lotto of the period) wonderful gifts of Gold, Muir and Frankincense! Whew, HELLLLOOOOO; can you say JACKPOT!!!! Cha-Ching!!

What’s that my little snow angels? Santa is the sole reason we receive gifts on Christmas you say? Not the baby Jesus you say! Well myimagesCAI541T4 misguided little peppermint elves how wrong you are! The jolly red man wasn’t always jolly and he certainly wasn’t always fat! He was a man like any other, only he did what any good christian would do, stole the concept from religions much cherished three wise men! Seeing a definite need (oh yes his heart was in the right place) he practiced giving (gifts, shoes, dowry’s, food etc..) for a while selling the image santaof nobility to the masses. Eventually he was sainted and became forever known as St. Nicholas! Flash forward 1,669 years, St. Nicholas’ image has passed from generation to generation evolving into the much celebrated fat man in a red costume, driving a sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer! No really they are tiny! You would think they were huge with all those gifts and all but really they are tiny!rudy

Upon seeing positive results within multiple test markets (Poland, Turkey, the Netherlands) the idea of a St. Nick or Santa Claus was marketed to the right folks, obtaining copy writes to his likeness and catchphrases then sold, sold, sold and sold again slowly evolving into the much celebrated fat man in a red costume, atop a shiny red sleigh! Happy picture huh?

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                                         Wrong sleigh… or not?

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There we go that’s better….

Not being the greatest of mathematicians, I took it upon myself using the internet, ABC NEWS, and a few simple formulas to help me determine the sleigh was obviously developed by aliens or possibly held in captivity at Area 51 until our government could extract the compounds used to make this bitch fly! You see, Santa’s sleigh needssantas sleigh to travel 175 million miles in just under 31 hours (time/Dateline, staying under the cover of darkness and all), Santa himself needs to visit 1,178 homes per second-every second of those 31 hours.  That means when the “big” man arrives he has just 8/100,000ths of a second to park the sleigh, shimmy down the chimney, stuff the stockings, eat (what is hopefully delicious) cookies, drink milk, shimmy back up the chimney, get his parking slip validated, tip the valet and go! boltHusain Bolt I think you have a second career waiting for you when this whole world’s fastest Olympian runner thing doesn’t quite pan out anymore!

How about the gross weight of the sleigh? I mean a rig like that needs to be agile and light! Made from the finest carbon fiber money can buy right? Someone must know the overall gross weight of this vehicle at the very least possibly California does since knowing means billing for registration and new registration leads to another source of revenue. Well don’t let the snowflakes melt from your cap just yet! Yes there is a calculation for this as well! Let’s say every child receives one two-pound toy,(hahahahahahaha one toy, that’s a joke) multiply that by 330 million children under the ripe old age of 18.  That’s 660 million pounds of toys! No wonder Rudolph’s nose is red! The lad needs to drink like a union dock worker after moving that much weight in one night! Wonder if Rudolph receives sopranoskickbacks to pad his stable when bags of toys mysteriously fall off the sleigh while flying over New Jersey? Aye yo Vinnie that damn reindeer dropped us another load! Youz better have is cut ready or your kids won’t be seeing any evidence of the Fatman on Christmas morning!

So there, the baby Jesus is the reason we have Christmas! The Santa story is absolutely charming and I truly don’t mind playing the big guy every Christmas morning! The straight up fact is it brings endless joy to all the little boys and girls across this wondrous globe of ours. With or without the help of Macy’s, Target and Wal-Mart. But doesn’t someone think maybe lying to our children about a fictitious person, from a make-believe place, who brings toys and gifts to all the “good” little boys and girls after making a list (segregation) and checking it twice might really be sending a bad message? Plus how do you explain the whole “he bad santa 2sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” bit? Sound like someone needs to be registered on the Meagan’s law web-site! Creeper!

 

I have decided since I receive gifts on Christmas morning I need to work on tricking my children into believing I am the baby Jesus instead!  Pretty sure I can pull of the three wise men part with a little help from my friends. Someone know where I can get some Frankincense? Maybe three camels????