Easter=A pony?

 

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Ah Easter, a morning filled with love, thanks, celebration, the lord Jesus Christ has risen from the dead, eggs, candy, the Easter Bunny and; a pony????

Oh yes you heard right, its hard enough explaining year after year the significance of the fabled Easter bunny in conjunction with Jesus. But now a pony tossed in for total scalp scratching confusion? A bonified four-legged, pudgy bellied, mane and tail swishing Verne Troyer (that’s Mini-me from Austin Powers) of the horse world!

Eggs hidden by a sadistic Hallmark Holiday bunny hell-bent on total chaos, confusion and holiday candy domination is one thing! But a pony? How does that fall into the swirling contradictions that is Easter? Eggs=Bunny, Candy=Baskets, Jesus rising from the dead=salvation, yeah see those all make sense! What does a pony equate too in all this and will said pony need to make a reappearance every year? I have questions damn it, there is nothing in the “dad” rule book that states at some point, during some Easter a pony will arise for a chosen one within the family unit!

This morning started out like every Easter from years gone by. The wife and I awoke to the sounds of scampering feet around 0530! Now mind you it is an act of GOD to awaken these children on a school day, or for church, or an earthquake, tsunami or any other natural-manmade disaster known to plague the human race! Yet on one of the two days a year their little nuclear clocks seem to keep perfect time (the other one being Christmas of course-Jesus’s birth) they are up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as though doing so is a daily occurence and our looks of astonishment are a bit degrading! But up they are, like a treasure hunter, looking, digging, scavenging for candy! All was going swell, baskets recovered children were gorging, the wife and I were sipping coffee from our newly acquired Keurig (another story) when lo and behold the littlest one Parker finds a note in the bottom of his basket that reads; Parker, Happy Easter look outside! Now being one who lives for intrigue and loves surprises, I bolted straight up moving the little bugger aside to see what could possibly be outside our backyard picture window!

Could it be a new car, I pondered? No ridiculous, the lad is only 8! Could it be a new bike? No, No he just got a new bike at Christmas. As we moved closer to the back room, anticipation rose! Parker says excitedly; I know what it is! A UFO filled with candy from another planet! Man that is a good one, I reply! Finally we make it to the window, and just as Parker is about to look outside, his brother Jake grabs him, shielding his eyes while opening the back door! Jake asks Parker very calmly, are you ready?  A solid YES is blurted out and Parkers eyes are uncovered. Standing there amongst a backyard ripe for egg plucking is a reddish/white, hay burning pooping pony!

Parker jumps up and down! The kids jump up and down, the dogs jump up and down! I slowly retreat back into the kitchen, pour myself another cup of coffee and sit down.  images-5How does a pony equal Easter?  And further more how did that evil rabbit get a pony here without any kids finding it? The mysteries of the universe stand unbroken! My Elmer Fudd cap and shotgun are coming out of the closet.

The morning moves along just fine! I have steadied my nerves, accepting the newest member of our very large family! The wife and I are preparing everything, so we can start cooking Easter dinner on time for our guests. Its mid morning, the kids have all come down from their Easter candy high, some are lying in the hallway like crack addicts looking for the next fix while other are outside, using playtime and excercise to help combat the sugar hangover.  I sit down at my computer for a little “me” time when through the upstairs window I hear the very distinguishable sound of a sack of potatoes hitting the ground in conjunction with my daughter’s voice screaming; “run and get dad!” (this can’t be good)

images-3Walking out the back door I am met by Jake who proceeds to tell me Parker was thrown from his pony! Apparently when mom says: hey honey why don’t you go outside and make friends with your new pony. That means to a country kid who has been riding since he was 5; go out, saddle your horse, but don’t tighten up the cinch all the way and for heaven’s sake try to ride without a bit using only a halter! (you other country folk got this, for those who don’t I am sorry) Long story short, saddle slides down the ponies side during a lope, pony steps up to bucking, Parker land on its neck because he has no reins to hold, pony bucks and shakes, Parker hits the ground! Like P-90X- Easter just became EasterX!

Parker is last seen kicking dirt, walking towards the house, telling everyone he hurts and can’t move his head, all while looking every direction while yelling that he is never, ever, ever going to ride that dumb ole pony again! Yep score one for the Easter Bunny! Hurray! Loving the Easter vibe so far! whoo hoo, thank you lord may I have another!

Later in the afternoon, said pony is outfitted properly, mom takes a go on the little guyimages-2 and sure enough the pony is tame as tame can be.  Grandpa has a long talk with the young lad about getting right back up after falling off! Grandpa has a way of turning a stubborn boy around so we all mount up riding our own horses so Parker doesn’t feel alone. Then slowly, carefully he puts his keester back in the saddle, settles in and the two of them ride off into the sunset! After several turns in the arena he is last over heard proclaiming: I love you pony, you and I are gonna be best friends.

Ahhh Easter restored, my faith in Easter happiness renewed, my Elmer Fudd cap put away as now I wont have to hunt down that rascally rabbit and make him pay for ruining Easter Sunday.

Now, I still havent figured out how a pony fits into the grand scheme of Easter but at this point I don’t care, watching my son lope his new buddy around an arena smiling ear to ear warms even the coldest of Hallmark holiday hearts…

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Happy Easter Everyone

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Chocolate

CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE 

Hello everyone: My name is Betty and I am a choco-holic!

Everyone: HELLO BETTY

Betty: Its been six long days since I have partaken in the sinful, uninhibited, mind altering ecstasy that is chocolate!

Everyone: (round of applause) good for you Betty, good for you!!!

Betty: as much as I enjoy and long for your love and admiration, I have failed you all…

Everyone: heavy sigh with muttered speech around the circle

Betty: (Shoulders slumped)

I awoke this morning from a restless night of tossing and turning, cold sweats ravaging my system.  I tried contacting my sponsor but she was unavailable( ok she was asleep right next to me)!  It was terrible, TERRIBLE I TELL YOU!!!! I can hear it (chocolate) calling my name in the middle of the night! The house is quiet, and yet there it is, taunting me, calling my name! BETTTYY, BEETTYYYY, COME EAT ME!  

The chocolate rustling from within a satchel, squirming, rubbing together so the cellophane makes a very distinct sound.  MMMMMM Chocolate! I just can’t stand it! I CANT STAND FREAKING STAND IT!!!!!

This is the way I picture a support group devoted to the insane addiction that is chocolate. Together as one we discuss the evil side effects associated with loving chocolate just a little too much!  guidance and help provided to get you through a day without finding yourself holed up in a downstairs closet, gorging on a fist full of dark, creamy sin, hoping no one from your family finds you in this degrading example of uncontrollable excess!

It’s truly a struggle for us chocoholics! Its our drug of choice! Having a bad day? Nothing a Dove bar can’t fix! Gotten in an argument with your significant other? Well that Reese’s peanut butter cup is just the ticket! Kids giving you a migraine? Stand back Mounds bar you are all mine and if you don’t like it, I’ll eat your little buddy Almond joy too!  It’s that simple! One lick, one sniff, just a little taste, you’re hooked and there is no coming back!!!!!

Making matters worse our society has screwed chocoholics to the wall by enveloping certain holidays with candy! Any holiday where candy is present is a holiday where chocolate rules the day!  So when Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the ever so dreaded EASTER come around we sit, salivating at the mere prospect of having one day, just one where we can stuff our faces in public without scrutiny from the fitness police!

Hell at Christmas time what is the gift of choice for most business partners, acquaintances, distant family members and friends?  SEE’S CANDIES!!!! Yep that’s right they opened a store dedicated to nothing but CHOCOLATE!!! Its like finally getting my medical marijuana card then being told I can only shop for product once a year. One month and one month only the dispensary opens up allowing me to fulfil all mymarijuana needs!

So whats a guy like me to do? A man who can smell chocolate pulling into a parking lot at 300 feet! A man who over the last 2 years has lost close to 40 pounds by fighting, working out and struggling to eat healthy! A man who on Halloween night watched his children divvying up their candy treasure like a hawk eyes its future dinner from above, waiting for the right moment to strike! As the kids placed their treasure back into Halloween sacks for safe keeping, my mouth salivating at the thought of locating these sacks then prying them from there secure spots for future pillaging.  I know its wrong. I really do!!

Yet I can hear the chocolate calling, like a zombie only living off the urge to bite, I follow my snapping jaw towards fresh meat, it’s there and chomping into it will bring a frenzied relief to my suffering.  I struggle with this feeling on a daily basis.

A valiant effort was put forth last night, but before long as with all addicts I succumbed to the urge, finally giving in to my inner demons around midnight! Looking back on it now, it was sad really; There I sat on the floor in the kitchen, bags in hand sobbing uncontrollably as piece after piece made its way down my gullet.  Melted chocolate on my lips, chin and hands. I cried out of disgust for the 3200 calories I had just ingested, I cried for letting myself down, I cried for the hypocrisy of teaching my children not to steal from each other and yet here I sat red-handed (or chocolate-brown handed as it were) stealing piece after piece from someones secret stash!  Oh yes a pathetic shell of a man covered in milky way, caramel, peanut butter and dark chocolate.  But what made it the biggest failure of all?

It felt good! Sugar, chocolate, sweetness coursing through my veins, bringing relief to the cold sweaty pains of laying in bed knowing it was downstairs!

I was found in the morning surrounded by candy wrappers, in the same location on the kitchen floor.  I awoke from my chocolate coma, disoriented, blurry eyed surrounded by little people staring down at the lump of a father who laid before them.  I could have asked for forgiveness but they have heard it all before.  No tears, no anger, no hurtful words were spoken.  Just the woeful tired look glaring back from eyes of disappointment.   I sat up and tried to speak, but three heads looked to the ground as the oldest pointed upstairs, suggesting that I leave.

As I headed upstairs, feeling as low as a snakes belly I heard the littlest one mumble to my oldest; I found him first and kissed him to wake him up. He was sweaty and it tasted like a milky way.  That is weird right?  The oldest quietly answered back it was weird and together they decided it was time to hide what remained so I may never ever find it..

As I turned the corner at the top of the landing, my daughter was overheard mumbling; maybe we should just give the chocolate away so we never end up like dad..  They all agreed.  See maybe I am teaching them something after all…..

My name is Betty and I am a chocoholic…..

A horrible Easter poem..

 

 

Oh easter candy that’s left behind, I hear your faint call, you are on my mind.

It really doesn’t matter what kind that you are, a toffee, a peep or a dark chocolate bar

I walk through the kitchen avoiding your stare, yet my brain calls my sweet tooth with an evil dare.

I have given up sweets for the betterment of health, so taking you now should be done with great stealth.

The kids are still watching, the wifes on high alert. I move into the kitchen and slide you up under my shirt.

The closet, the bedroom or just sneak outside, to get on my bike and go for a ride.

But in the end it’s just us, sitting on the edge of my bed, the bag is half gone, sugar races to my head.

I let out a sigh of orgasmic relief, for in a few moments I will be overcome with great grief.

The guilt oh the guilt, I shall certainly be hung. The youngest has found me, my bell has been rung.

No guiltier man was found by our family jury.  In the end it was worth it, I enjoyed the last Cadbury.

An awful poem written for all you candy junkies such as myself who hate this holiday for the endless amounts of candy that are left in the house afterwards! Bags upstairs, bags downstairs, candy in little bowls and hidden in the cupboards. I crave it I need it, it talks to me, telling me its ok to have just one more!  Who cares if its 250 calories a piece! So what if you can devour three or four pieces at a time! It’s just candy right?  Its only once a year, right? Live a little, have some more, heck if you eat it all then there will be no more and you can go right back to your low-calorie, bland, tasteless diet that you have enjoyed so much over the last year. Just remember, your life insurance doesn’t pay out if its suicide! Self induced candy coma suicide! Fatty!

So my advice to you is, stay strong! Look the other way, let the kids eat it all and when you go to bed tonight and you hear the candy talking to you. Get up, and go make yourself a bowl of oatmeal. Your future diabetes will be in check and Wilfred Brimley will be proud of you.