Oh easter candy that’s left behind, I hear your faint call, you are on my mind.
It really doesn’t matter what kind that you are, a toffee, a peep or a dark chocolate bar
I walk through the kitchen avoiding your stare, yet my brain calls my sweet tooth with an evil dare.
I have given up sweets for the betterment of health, so taking you now should be done with great stealth.
The kids are still watching, the wifes on high alert. I move into the kitchen and slide you up under my shirt.
The closet, the bedroom or just sneak outside, to get on my bike and go for a ride.
But in the end it’s just us, sitting on the edge of my bed, the bag is half gone, sugar races to my head.
I let out a sigh of orgasmic relief, for in a few moments I will be overcome with great grief.
The guilt oh the guilt, I shall certainly be hung. The youngest has found me, my bell has been rung.
No guiltier man was found by our family jury. In the end it was worth it, I enjoyed the last Cadbury.
An awful poem written for all you candy junkies such as myself who hate this holiday for the endless amounts of candy that are left in the house afterwards! Bags upstairs, bags downstairs, candy in little bowls and hidden in the cupboards. I crave it I need it, it talks to me, telling me its ok to have just one more! Who cares if its 250 calories a piece! So what if you can devour three or four pieces at a time! It’s just candy right? Its only once a year, right? Live a little, have some more, heck if you eat it all then there will be no more and you can go right back to your low-calorie, bland, tasteless diet that you have enjoyed so much over the last year. Just remember, your life insurance doesn’t pay out if its suicide! Self induced candy coma suicide! Fatty!
So my advice to you is, stay strong! Look the other way, let the kids eat it all and when you go to bed tonight and you hear the candy talking to you. Get up, and go make yourself a bowl of oatmeal. Your future diabetes will be in check and Wilfred Brimley will be proud of you.