One of the many joys of fatherhood is the time honored tradition of taking your child fishing.
Now fishing isn’t just about putting a pole in the water and catching a fish: oh no! It’s about the prep work, loading the boat, buying bait, actually getting onto the water, and yes hopefully catching a fish or two.
Now before we get to far into this let me just mention that the very (and I mean VERY) first thing you must do before you ever take your child out fishing is teach them the definition of fishing. Now I know we could sit here and quibble over the Webster version but to me the definition of fishing actually comes in a short little saying. “it’s called fishing not catching” the sooner you can get your child to understand that, the more pleasant your trip will be for both of you. There are some adults I know who have still not fully grasped that concept. As your child gets older and determines they enjoy fishing, make sure and let them know you can catch just as many fish from a twenty year old boat that has paid for itself 10 times over, as you can from that fancy $70,000 job you both drooled over at the sport and boat show.
So back to the beginning. The prep work; very important when it comes to teaching your child about the responsibilities associated with going fishing.
Getting the poles out- answering twenty questions about what each pole does and why you use it.
Putting the life vests in, answering twenty questions about why we need them and reinstating that yes you will be wearing one and no I don’t care if they are uncomfortable you’re not going to be taking it off.
Packing a lunch- peanut butter and jelly is the best fishing sandwich. (personal opinion) Never take them to McDonalds first! I can’t stress that last point enough! One of two things is going to happen. One: they will expect it every time, and that means when they brings friends! Nothing can drag the trip down more, financially than that! Two:someone’s puking up a big Mac! I don’t know about you but my experience has taught me if one kids puking someone else is gonna start puking and who do ya think has to clean that up?
Yuck!!!
Buying bait is always fun, the kids get to play with the minnows or mud suckers, they squeal with joy as the fish jump about. Slimy stinky fish, a kids dream come true!!
(Important fishing rule)
Please make sure no one names them. We have a steadfast rule of no naming the bait on my boat! Once they get a name its hard to explain why I’m putting a hook in its back or better yet, why daddy just cut the head of little Nemo! All to the now psychologically damaged screams of my 6 year old! Frozen bait works well too. It’s not as much fun but it’s great watching the kids revel in how bad their hands smell when they get home.
Getting on the water is the highlight of any fishing morning. The cool crisp breeze, the light spray in your face, ducks off in the distance and river otters on the banking. Watching a sturgeon come up and belly roll out in the middle of the river. Listening to your child (who by the way is so bundled up he/she looks like the kid from “a Christmas Story”) whining about how cold they are, but with a smile on their face because they are “fishing with dad”!
Its inevitable that once you get to your favorite fishing spot you will find two other boats already camped out on top of it and one guy is reeling in a fish. You give the obligatory thumbs up with a smile on your face all while mumbling under your breath that it’s your spot and that’s your fish!
That’s ok you have a back up spot and no one is there (which explains why it’s the backup spot) so you set anchor and with a smile on your face you bait the first hook! You grin with pleasure at this fantastic moment! You and your kid, amigos, compadres, side by side, fishing like men! Ahhhh yes this is how it’s done, dad of the year! Thats me!!
Time to drop my line in the water and have a cup of Jo, pat myself on the back awhile and enjoy the scenery.
But before I do, I’m just gonna need to bait the kids hook one more time, there we go and what? Why haven’t we caught a fish yet? I explained that point quite well before we left, or so I thought. What’s that, you need more bait? No prob swing that over here, hey now watch the hook, ok quit playing with daddy’s line, no we still haven’t caught a fish, yes that sound coming from the fish finder means there are fish down there, no I don’t know why they don’t just jump in the boat, yes you can have a soda, I’m mean no you can’t have a soda it’s not even lunch yet, what you need more bait, I don’t know if you can catch a seal with an anchovy, what, NO you can’t name the bait fish Thelma and Louise! What do you mean to late! Hey put my pole down why don’t you have your pole? It fell in the water! Why didn’t you say something? Oh because you dropped the scale in and tried to get it with the pole? Can you have my pole? Ahhh no! Don’t cry, daddy didn’t mean to yell! come on little buddy fishermen don’t cry, ok you can have my pole! Just let me know when you need bait, oh that’s now, ok.
And so the day goes, we never caught any fish and I lost quite a bit of tackle and we continued a time honored tradition, carried out by numerous dads instilling the joy of fishing not catching with their children…..
Month: December 2011
Grocery store
Grocery shopping is never fun for me, I always end up being hungrier than I thought I was about the time I hit the second isle. Then the “binge” shopping takes over and my cart starts filling up with items that are both not in my budget or heart healthy. Now throw in a couple of children that wanted to come along for the ride and you can see how a simple trip to the store can slowly become a nightmare.
Dad can I have this? Mom can I have that? Why does he get that and I don’t? I’m hungry! I’m thirsty! Is this gonna take forever? Daaaad he’s touching things on the shelf! Did you know with enough effort and technique you can actually drone out the whining and pretend they are someone else’s kids! But in the end they are your kids, so sometimes it’s just nice to have them with you. You can make it a fun experience, turning all that energy into a positive by having one child find items in the isle your shopping and have the other push the cart. Have them look at various items that are similar figure out which item costs less. When it’s all done everyone has ownership of the food that crosses their table. You whip out the debit card and behold, there is no more whining, well at least from the kids.
The Pen
Cleaning up the kitchen today I found a pen. Now this is no ordinary pen as my wife has affixed an ornate fake flower to its base. She got this idea I am sure from the multiple doctors/dentist/school offices we have been to in our lives where the pens are decorated to keep the patrons from walking away with them. We have four of these pens but this one pen in particular has been troubling me this morning. You see I keep finding it in the same spot, I pick it up and carefully put it back with its fellow flowers only to have it returned to the very same spot not more than a few minutes later. After the third time I am sure the pen has grown legs and is dragging itself over to this spot to relish in the sunlight shining through the window. So with a curious look and a quivering hand I place the “flower” back in its base one more time, ducking around the corner hoping to catch it in its travels. Now I know there is no way the flower/pen is moving on its own, yet the little boy in me wants to see it look around, crawl out and lay down in the sunlight with a relaxing heavy sigh..
I wait..
And wait…..
And wait……….
I give up.
Walking up the stairs I catch my wife telling our middle son: “if you are going to use something put it back” and “that pen doesn’t belong there, it’s no wonder the house is a mess when you guys just drop stuff when you’re done with it and expect someone else to put it away”!
Mystery solved, fantasy crushed, the pen is just a pen and our kids are normal little mess making machines. (heavy sigh)..
Bliss
Some days life just falls into place like a perfect puzzle. Every piece you pick up locks into the next. That was today. We started the day with places to go And things to do. But by the end of the day it had all fallen into a perfect symphony of music, everyone’s needs were met and all of my children had fun and appreciated the time they had spent with their family.
I am in a perfect bliss right now. Going to bed before I wake up and realize it was all a dream….
I didn’t do it!
I didn’t do it! The famous last words of the guilty child. When you have multiple children and something has gone wrong the phrase “I didn’t do it” rings down from the heavens!
I found a hole conviently dug into the back seat in my truck. A hole the size of a quarter and growing bigger on the canvas of leather it now encompassed. Now since I have 4 kids and only 3 of them sit in the back, the eldest was immediately found innocent and released from custody. The other three of course continued to proclaim their innocence through many different mediums. The youngest took to screaming and crying stating he would swear on the life of his dog (he doesn’t have a dog) that he didn’t do it. The middle child, my daughter, just kept repeating over and over; not me dad not me! All while slyly pointing at the back of my youngest’s head. The 3rd boy of course was preaching much of the same all while flailing his arms around to get the point across and slyly pointing to my daughter.
I didn’t do it! A resounding argument, no facts needed, no clues given, just taken at its face value alone should help me in releasing my prisoners.
Just as the whining and sniveling started to reach its crescendo I noticed a sharp object in the hand of my daughter and as I pulled the sharp object from her hand the other two in unison both turn and shout “she did it” ahhh childhood justice! Freedom for the unjustly accused! For before I could lean down and ask her if she actually used the pen to make the hole she under quivering lip says; I’m sorry dad….and with tears running down her face she mumbles; I don’t know why I did it, but I can see your pretty mad and I’m sorry. As the other two chant like tribesmen looking for a beheading I take a deep breath, lean down and say ever so quietly. Thank you for telling me the truth. Don’t let it happen again and I love you….
Problem solved, and as my wife strolls in and ask what all the crying and sniveling is about I calmly look her dead in the eye and mutter “I didn’t do it”
I hate lunchtime advertising
I hate the way trade school commercials target the “lazy unemployed male” with catch phrases like “my wife is so proud of me” and “my kids look up to me now that I have a job” or my favorite ” now that I have an education from XYZ University I am finally making the money I deserve. What message does this send? What are we telling our kids? When I am home four days in a row spending time and taking care of my children am I that much less of a man because I am home and not making a difference in my education? Am I a failure because I have chosen my path and am completely content in my career, pay and ability to be with my family? Time that you can never get back? I am really tired of advertising portraying the male in the house as either unimportant in the family dynamic or a complete moron that can’t do anything right, and when he fails mom and kids disparage him as an idiot. Our children need to be raised to believe that they can achieve greatness in all aspects of the family. That once a family is formed responsibilities are shared equally in the house. That as a family we are a working functioning unit that needs to mesh together like a well oiled set of gears. Does it always work flawlessly? No. But I definitely don’t need any help from TV land. Just bitchin I guess….
High School Raceway
This morning dropping off my high schooler I took note of the fact that I was feeling very pressured in my driving skills. Not from my own child mind you, his head was buried in the alternative texting, gaming, fantasy world that is his I-Phone. No it was in fact from the kids that were driving alongside and behind me. The tailgating, speeding, wreck less driving that is coming from our youth is astounding to me. At times coming in this four lane road feels more like a run against John Force at Infineon raceway. When we round the corner I am cutting the lane on Tony Stewart. I keep waiting for my crew Chief to let me know I’m “clear low” (those who follow NASCAR will get that one). Yet today for some reason I parked facing out to watch in coming traffic. To get a better read on my assessment of this daily routine. After 10 minutes I came to a conclusion. IT’S NOT THE KIDS!!! Oh yeah that’s right, it was the parents! Don’t get me wrong there was a handful of stop sign running kids but over all the rubber squealing, stop sign running, speeding idiots were the parents! I wanted to pull them over and scream! Apparently they don’t realize or care that the impression they are leaving on there own kids will result in their children driving like asses too.
Let me also say, I by no means was a driving Angel. I had a sweet truck with an awesome motor and it hauled ass! But as a parent I feel it’s my responsibility to lead by example, my dad and mom both drove like a bat out of HELL! Yet they expected me to drive like a law abiding citizen. HAH! A ticket and two accidents later (luckily no one hurt) I figured out the hard way that there are driving rules and laws for a reason.
The good news so far is my son hates people who break the law. He sees no point in speeding, and looks at it as being irresponsible. He thinks his friends who drive recklessly as complete morons. He swears that will never be him and he will always follow the driving rules of the road.
I should probably up my insurance..
My child’s laughter
A child’s laughter, I live for the sound of uncontrollable laughter from one of my children. How many parents take that sound for granted? How many parents are self consumed and don’t understand it’s importance? How many times have we looked over and through the emotions of our kids as an annoyance? I have, yet tonight I relished in it, I bathed myself in the pure emotion of a happy, laughing child. I put that one moment in my memory bank to pull up time and again, placing a smile on my face when I have forgotten how.
The Christmas Play
So it’s that time of year, the annual school Christmas play. The kids are dressed up and ready to perform, the band is tuning their instruments and the parents are all bantering about their little genius actors.
Sitting here waiting for the Christmas production to start I am left wondering, why after multiple generations sitting through this event has not one person ever thought of putting chairs down for the parents instead of these awful benches from the lunch service that our asses are forced to endure.
Also if you the parent are sick why on earth are you so selfish that you feel the need to come and place yourself in the center of multiple healthy parents and cough your fool head off?
Oh well I digress, the curtain has closed, weeks of preparation are now about to take form. Merry Christmas little ones, the show must go on….
The Rain
Rain and kids, two thing that are a contradiction to each other. Kids love to play in it and hate to be in it all at the same time. As parents we love to watch the rain, I personally enjoy watching kids play in the rain, but hate the ensuing war that preceeds entry back into the home.
Luckily this morning went swimmingly. The kids all behaved, there was no mess from multiple exits and entries back into the home and everyone loaded up for school without any major incidents. It is truly a Christmas miracle! Of course what I failed to mention is that I SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING!!! Yep thats right my I slept through it all! Well I awoke a few times and listened to the exchange of ideas, misconceptions and demands between my wife and the kids. But it all sounded great. My wonderful wife got up early this morning and handled the whole show so I could catch some extra ZZZZZZZZ’s. It was splendid. I also came downstairs to a clean sink, no clothes strewn about and the laundry was in full swing! With a smile on my face I grabbed the coffee pot (yes she even made coffee and left half a pot) filled up my favorite cup, turned around to survey my lazy ass domain to find my teenage son staring at me! Crap! I had forgotten about this one! He needs to be taken into school late this morning, he is on FINALS schedule. Oh well all cant be perfect my little world. So off I go before his hormones get impatient and we end arguing about delivery time.
They call me Betty 