Day 11. I’m so sorry you had to go…

Eleven days

It’s been eleven days since we said goodbye. It wasn’t pretty, no longing stares or pointless conversation. Goodbyes are always hard, I am glad we didn’t do the whole; it’s not you, it’s me thing. That would have been pretty pointless.

The thing is, I have never been away from you this long. I have never gone a day without hearing your voice, laughing at something dumb or had you to bounce ideas off. I understand that seasons change, lives change, feelings change and with it we should learn to accept that change, embrace that change and learn to grow from its opportunity. Yet I am so confused.

I feel as though I tried really hard to be everything you needed me to be in the hope we would grow old together, raise grand kids together, and be there for each other. Best friends until the end! It was the plan right? I mean you said it was, you said you would always be there for me to dote over, to help pick me up when I was down, carry some of my load as I to carry yours, meet me in the middle of the toughest situations and walk hand in hand through this messy thing called life! You promised me that I could go first! I know it’s selfish, but after everything that has happened in my life, I just didn’t think I could bear to live through another emotional loss of such magnitude!

And yet here we are. You have left and I am alone.

I cannot get past it, I know, I know, it shouldn’t have been a shock, things hadn’t been working out for a while. But it was a shock, of the greatest magnitude!! When I think of the moment your left and trust me it occupies my every thought, I can’t catch my breath! I cannot think straight, to see you leave that way wasn’t easy by any means!!! I have never seen that look on your face! Your bright, sunny, amazing smile encompassing your olive complexion and radiant eyes has never, and mean ever looked that way before!!! It, well, it was horrific!!

Days later and all I can think of is who am I? Missing your voice, your advice, your goofy demeanor is bad enough, but let’s cut to the chase! Who the fuck am I? I have been 50% Jacy for 17 years and I really liked that, a lot! WHO THE GOD DAMN FUCK AM I? WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BECOME? WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO AS I FIGURE THESE THINGS OUT? YOU AREN’T FUCKING HERE SO WHAT THE BLOODY HELL??!!!

Ok I am sorry. I am really angry! So fucking angry!! I am angry at God, I am angry at Haiti, I am angry at Leukemia, Chemotherapy, experimental drugs, promises, Stanford, Kaiser, fuck I am even angry at myself buying into all this bullshit the same way you did! The only difference is you never wavered, you always felt you were going to beat this fucking thing!! I spent so many nights not sleeping, worrying for you, for your safety, for your mental well-being. I dove into the process and everything and I mean everything pointed to dark, black places that no one should go! But you, you always shone brightly, always with a kind word or positive thought. It is one of a million reasons I fell in love with you. You always knew I was a realist, a black and white kind of guy and although it bothered your unicorn and rainbows outlook at times you could always trust me for the straight answer. And I never disappointed.

I hate that I know the things I know, I hate that my profession has given me insights I never should have had, I hate that on the morning you left I knew that was the day you were leaving.

On the flip side, I am also thankful for the knowledge I have, it allowed me to care for you in ways others could not. It kept you safe and warm and nothing, I mean nothing kept me feeling closer to you than when you would tell me I was the only one you trusted with every single aspect of this shit sandwich we were handed. I was always prideful of our marriage.

I guess none of it matters now though does it? You are gone and here I sit.

Jacy, please know, that I understand completely why you had to leave. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life was lean down on that Saturday morning, kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear that we would be ok, the kids would be ok, I would make sure all of your dreams for them would come true and it was ok for you  to go. It killed me to say it, but it was the right thing to do. All I could think of after was that bullshit saying; if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know why I thought that, because we were meant to be.

You were in enormous pain, you have been for some time. You have been struggling just to make one more day time and again. I no longer wanted you fighting for me and I know you Jacy Mirelle! That is exactly what you were doing. My heart is so torn, it aches beyond any pain I have ever felt, but saying goodbye was the right thing to do even though I know you loved me and you were never coming back. I’m trying to let the reality of it all ease things for me. I mean I know you are no longer in pain, you are in perfect form free from this world earthly struggle. But I guess I am just a selfish man who knows he had something special. You taught me about love, true love, how to love and be loved in return. How does one go forward when that much love has vanished? I am surrounded by so much love and support, yet I am achingly alone. I am trying really hard baby, I really am, but it’s just not ok that you left. I am not mad at you, I could never be, I just miss you.

I’m scared and I need a cheek snuggle really badly.

I’m really sorry you had to go, I love, love, love you..

 

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17 thoughts on “Day 11. I’m so sorry you had to go…

  1. Long, long Oncology nurse and there is nothing more horrific in this world as cancer. I am so very sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom but I don’t . Cancer fucking sucks period. Just love on your kids, be surrounded with those you love for all the “firsts” you will go thru and the seconds and the thirds. You will grieve exactly how you need to grieve and do not let anyone take any part of that awa from you. I am so very sorry.

    1. Thank you Lori for the work you do. If wasn’t for the people like yourself this journey would have been so much harder. I know what I need to do, thank you for the affirmation. I will do my best. I just miss my best friend.

  2. you have every reason to be angry and please don’t ever apologize for your feelings. You are entitled to every one of your feelings. I spent six months doing hospice for my brother who had brain cancer and then after a two month break, took care of my brother in law who suffered from colon cancer for three months. I was so angry watching these good men suffer and not able to do anything. My family didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. So I closed myself off from everyone. Your words have been a breakthrough for me. I finally accepted my anger was okay and I cried. Thank you for letting me know it was okay to express my anger at this terrible disease. My heart goes out to you and your children. You are loved.

  3. Brother I am so proud of who you have become in the last thirty years. I know how much you loved Jacy, and she loved you, you can see it in every picture of you two together. You two had what the rest of us want, I was happy for you, when you found her, she made you a better man, better because what you had was so deep, you wanted to make her life better, agape love. The reasons we are so sad when we lose our people, or family is purely selfish, and that’s normal. We don’t want to wake up and not talk to them, we want our life before they left us, back. You did the right thing, for her to know you and the kids will be alright. I think your right in saying, she fought this ugly strain of leukemia like warrior, for you and the kids, that woman was as tough as anybody I’ve ever met. My heart hurts for you guys, and I wish I could do more for you all. God Bless you and the kids, keep your faith, it will help you stay strong, that’s what Jacy would want you to do. I love you brother, you’ve been a warrior too!

  4. As tears run down my face in agony for you I recall whispering the same whispers to my grandfathers and to my daddy. They were old, two men from cancer, it was time they went but…it hurts. I cannot imagine losing by best friend, my rock, my husband. I have recently had a third reconstruction because of breast cancer, I cannot snuggle or hug my guy yet and I feel your empty arms. However, I so realize mine is temporarily empty unlike yours. It is only 11 days so give yourself a break. I desperately hate cancer and it took a third reconstruction to feel like Damn I am strong. Jacy was strong, you are amazingly strong and those whispers prove your strength and the depth of your love for your beautiful wife. I pray for you every day, multiple times a day. Oh I wish I had words of wisdom and comfort. Love and gentle hugs, Debbie

  5. Since hearing she passed, I can’t help but remember several times Jacy made me laugh. She brought joy to the people around her. The world really was a better place because of her. I know nothing I can say will ease the pain. Just know your family is loved.

  6. I don’t know just how I came across your post, but I have followed it since your interview for a promotion and you were having a tough time at the hotel. I just want to send you all my warm thoughts, and I’ll pray for you and your children…. I can’t imagine and I don’t want to…. She was amazing and a warrior, but please know your strength as well you are amazing too and god will carry you and your babies through this time!!! Just hold on!!!!

  7. I am so, so sorry for your loss and pain. I wish I would have known her, as she sounded like a wonderful, loving person. As I read your posts, I often think of what an amazing person YOU are and have become since we first knew each other, waaayyy back when! Nothing will make this easy for you, but I can see how much people care about you and your kids. You were blessed for 17 years, and will continue to be blessed with your wife’s greatest gift to you, your children…. concentrate on them and Keep writing!! Stay strong!

  8. I am so very sorry for your incredible loss. I send my deepest sympathies to you. I am so pleased that I was able to meet the two of you when I attended a funeral reception for Brenda’s daughter with my friend Deanna Hanks. I can totally empathize with how you are feeling because I lost Deanna on October 29. She had battled a number of different cancers valiantly for the past 13 years. My son has a very close friend in Dixon who has asked him to help barbeque at the event to remember your wife. I have told my son to please be sure to meet you. He was amazed when I told him I know who you are. May God bless you and watch over you and your family. You now have your own very special angel up there. I will be praying for you and your family..

      1. Thank you so very much for praying for Deanna…God Bless you!! Please keep posting…I so enjoy reading them! My thoughts and prayers for you and your family will continue.
        Susan

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