Sitting quietly in a dark room, a flickering of light emanating
from the television playing off in the distance dances across the somber mood
in our living room. The Ball is about to drop ringing in a new year while saying
goodbye to 2018.
I am pondering.
Life is a funny thing. Earlier in the evening I went to a friend’s house for a few hours to reconnect, feel a part of life’s tapestry and try my best to remember what life is like when lived. It worked, which is not what I expected. I laughed, hugged, lived and thought to myself on the way home about how much I missed this portion of my extended family. How many things we (Jacy and I) missed while she was sick and fighting for her life over the last five long dreadful years. And how terribly sad it was that she was not there with her million dollar smile, laughing, making new friends while smothering the old friends with love.
I came home early to be with my son.
Parker and I watched the ball drop together. We kind of
chuckled at the horrendous attempt at entertainment the entire New Year’s Eve
televised show had become. It was bad, really, really bad and to me showed what
little value us as a society place upon ourselves or what we expect from
others; but that is my opinion and for another conversation.
As expected at midnight the ball dropped, Parker stood up
and said: well that was fun (sarcasm), hope 2019 is much better than 2018 for
I wanted to say; well it couldn’t get any worse!
But then I would be summoning the black cloud that seems to
live over the top of us to rumble, crack and prove me wrong once again! Parker
then announced he was taking shower; that he loved me and off to bed he strode.
I eventually went to bed, alone, sad, and wondering why? I
knew why I was sad and alone, but why I should bother giving a shit was all I
This morning while making coffee and wanting to write, I
decided to look back at previous New Year’s offerings to see just what my advice
or observations were for the coming years. Maybe that would help me to
understand the why.
2012/13- it was all about resolutions. That’s right, I dug
deep (sarcasm again) for that one and really hit it out of the park! Of course
I had no idea what was instore for our family a mere 10 months later.
2013/14- I didn’t write a thing! You know why? Because I was
knee deep in learning about Leukemia, treatments and how we as a family were
going to tackle things head on! No mercy! It is the way this family has always
2014/15- New Year/New Fear. Living with the after effects of
treatment, chemotherapy, and learning to live again for my wife. Understanding
what it means to be in remission. It was a year filled with scares, and adventure.
Jacy ran at it full bore because as I found out later, she knew deep inside but
didn’t want to say it out loud that she felt Leukemia would come back.
2015/16- We focused on new beginnings, not letting this
journey weigh us down, making the most of every moment because the truth is,
nothing is guaranteed.
2016/17- Handling ourselves appropriately. This journey was
no longer about us, but how we could help as many people as possible by
continuing forward. Both through my writings and her never saying no to any
treatments. Finding joy in all the little things. Whether it be a week with
some energy and no sickness to simply sitting in the sun with your children. My
wife was an amazing human being and she continued to show her super powers
during this dreadful year.
2017/18- This one was a little harder. I copied a portion of
this former posting because I couldn’t accurately summarize my feelings.
Am I excited by the
prospect of 2018 and what it has to offer?
No I am fucking
terrified of another year with more unexpected disappointment! Or maybe after
all this time disappointment, disaster, despair should simply be
expected and that’s why I am so tense! Wondering day and night as to whether or
not there is more tragedy waiting for us just around the corner! I am
constantly worrying about our future, her future, our children’s future
and all the emotional toil our lives hold on a daily basis! I wonder if I can
take on more. Is it humanly possible for me to handle another loss, another
failure, another misfortune! Is there room for me to place more emotional
unrest inside my soul?
I found myself mumbling;
Fuck you 2018 every time I read someone’s cheery uplifting post today! I would
start grinding my teeth the moment someone, anyone spoke of this dreaded New
Year and it hasn’t even started yet!! That is just not me!!!
I want so badly to
embrace this upcoming year, to feel hopeful, promise and opportunity! To know
our future looks bright for all involved. But even as I am writing this my
chest hurts, it’s hard to breath and the anxiety associated with wishing such
selfish thoughts when I know there are thousands suffering in this world
tonight. Struggling much harder than I. It is more than I can take right
now. What the HOLY HELL!!!
Somewhere I learned
the valuable lesson of keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
2018 you are not my
friend, you are my enemy.
And there it is. It is like I knew or my negativity proved
to be my downfall. I have had to read through the last five years while working
on my book and it has been extremely hard. From 2012-2018 Heaven gained my
horse Tank, Jakes Horse Twooey, Jacy’s Grandmother, and Uncle, my dad, a few
friends and eventually Jacy herself.
So what does all this mean for our family after looking
through the past?
It means I am taking my own advice. Put up or shut up!!!
2019 you are not my friend, you are my enemy and the difference
in regards to your arrival shall be that my tactics are changing.
I look forward to the upcoming challenges you present, my
life will not be lived in sorrow or misery, it is not what my wife would have
wanted for me and I know this because she made sure I understood the importance
before she passed. She also knew it would take a while for me to come to terms
with her passing, but she had faith I would or could carry on. She always had
faith in me and that is something I cherish so very much.
After spending the evening a few weeks back with new
friends, the holidays with our beloved family, and last night with old ride or
die friends, it has come to my attention that now is the time. Her father sent me
a video yesterday from his YouTube channel that really hit me hard. It was wise
and insightful and I believe he needs to see I, his son in law, the man who
loved his daughter more than I can ever show him, is taking it to heart. No
more whining about her being gone. Oh that doesn’t mean I won’t miss her, or
occasionally complain about it, or have terrible days for I know all too well they
will come, when I least expect it, and it is 100% ok to let those emotions
envelop me. Besides I don’t care who you are or think you are, a good cry now
and again is good for the soul. But this family needs to look past all that and
begin to live life again. We cannot besmirch her memory, her name, and her
beliefs about family, life and love by wallowing in a wasted sea of tears.
Jacy Mirelle Franceschi showed me the meaning of love. She
also showed me the meaning of life, living life, experiencing everything around
you without slipping into the background. She showed how to make a new friend,
to laugh or help someone to laugh when it’s needed, even if that means
sacrificing your own dignity. She showed me the meaning of family. If you knew
my wife, you knew exactly how important it was for her to have a family to call
her own. She did, we loved her, and are forever grateful.
So, no, there will be no New Year’s resolutions, no
pointless lists of things that couldn’t possibly be accomplished. Instead our
family, my family, the family she loved and created are going to face this year
head on! Not afraid of challenges, not afraid to explore, no expectations other
than to walk out the door every day and live this thing called life to the
As I have said before, a mantra I have always lived by will
surely be followed.
Every day you can get up, put both feet on the floor and
take a step forward is a good day, a day to aspire to inspire.
So here goes.
Travel whenever you can, we will be.
Make a new friend at every opportunity, life is way too
short not too!
Laugh, hard at everything, including yourself. Often!
Love with meaning, passion, and faith. To love is to be
loved and I have been loved by the very best. For that I am both extremely lucky
and eternally grateful. I still have so much love to share and so do you. Never
forget that, ever!
Never take yourself or life to seriously. It just isn’t worth
Take time for yourself. Live, breathe and appreciate all
this world has to offer.
And always take time for your friends and family. They are
the most people in your life. Trust me after all of this, I know.
So come on 2019! Let’s do this! I am ready for whatever you
have to offer. And if I am ever in question I will simply ask myself; what
would Jacy do?