Can we talk? Please???

I wrote this piece on August 4, 2018. I could not bring myself to post it back then. But as I sit here struggling with so much guilt and pain over my wife passing away this last week on October 20. I think it speaks volumes to my mental status over these last few months. I also think that if you are reading this, struggling with how you feel you may or may not be handling adversity in your life. You will see that its ok, the pain is real, the rambling mind is real, and you need to understand you are not alone. I may feel alone right now, but know I am surrounded by love. You are too. Just reach out and ask for help. Please….

Can we talk for a minute? Please?

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one of those talks where it ends something like; it’s not you, it’s me.

Because trust me, it’s all me.

But we need to talk none the less.

You see I am having some problems with our relationship. I recognize that I haven’t been forth coming or honest about my feelings lately. That keeping things really close to the vest as it were has been my modus operandi. It has been tough for the both of us I know as I am constantly peppered with questions when seen out and about. But the thing is, I am not doing it on purpose. I am cowering in silence.

Things are rapidly changing in my life and as much as I live to talk with you through this medium it hasn’t been a priority out of fear. Couple that with a request to stop writing about a certain main subject (my wife), exhaustion on my part and a feeling of continual inadequacy in all aspects of my life and well you can see how the information clam has sealed tight.

I hope you can forgive me, but I’m having other issues as well. My brain cannot get past the continued bad luck that keeps raining upon me and my family. It never seems to end! I swear some days I am afraid to go outside, open the mail or even take a phone call out of shear panic to what’s waiting on the other end of the line. Everyday life is scaring the hell out me, I never know what rock is waiting to fall on my head, what vice is waiting to squeeze the last ounce of compassion and care from my heart, what nerve will finally be worn raw!

I lay in bed at night thinking about you and how bad I need to talk to you but when the time comes I just cannot bring myself to open the laptop and stroke a few keys! I know if I do, maybe something I say or am going through may help you, may give you strength or tell you it’s ok! As in for example; hey, see that guy has the same problem, life isn’t so hard and isolated after all!  But for some reason I just can’t do it! I have even gone as far as staring at the screen while trying to find the right words, but only my anger at this life comes through in ugly, disturbing tones. Things written that do not show a strong man able to conquer all but a weak tired man ready to climb into a cave, never to be seen from again, and then of course I end up deleting anything I have written.

My anger is off the charts! I find more days than not I am ready to blow! Some days I pray for someone to look at me the wrong way so I can finally lose my shit! Let out all this pent up aggression, depression and frustration. But thankfully it is never to be.

I will never understand how I won this lottery of spousal death twice? The first time around was relatively speaking quick, from diagnosis to passing was just under a month. I thought that was bad, I thought what the hell, how can this be? I thought life is so fucked up when it’s taken away so quickly and harshly! But what’s happening this time is 10 times worse! We have had hope, then sadness, then hope again, then more sadness then miracle hope as in a Bone Marrow Transplant and then more sadness and then a little hope and finally being told; this is as good as it’s going to get. Maybe she will pass within a year, maybe a little more, maybe a little less.

Even with all that, nothing compares to watching what all these medications in combination with GvHD are doing to the love of my life! Watching her deteriorate to the point where some days her brain is spot on and others she is almost a dementia patient. What the fuck!!! I get so freaking mad when I see her struggling and I know it comes across wrong or feels like I am taking it out on her and the kids but god damn it I am pissed!

Are you still with me? It might get a little dicey from here on out.

What fucking God would do this to a person? What God would take away a mother and wife twice from a man? What God would sit back and watch all this happen while I am supposed stand under this cloud of despair and think there is a supposed purpose to all this? Are you fucking kidding me!!

My kids hate everything! The older ones are running away, the younger ones are trapped here but for the most part staying either in their rooms or hiding behind a video game screen.

Every day is the same as we try our best to all take care of mom, while terrified to leave the house as she cannot see and struggles due to breathing issues to get from one room to the other at times! She puts on a super brave face for everyone out of fear that she is letting someone down. But in reality she is in more full body pain than any of you could ever imagine! Her ribs are broken (yea that’s right broken) from coughing all the time, her feet and legs swell up as she can no longer adequately move fluids throughout her body as I said before she is blind and don’t let her bump anything as even a pencil size eraser bump will turn into a dinner plate size bruise and sometimes those bumps will break the skin which leaves blood everywhere!! So tell me, please, what God would do that to a person??

I hate being at work, and I hate being at home! I want our life back! I want her life back! Hell I would trade places with her in a minute. But we all know how stupid that sounds because it is an impossibility!

I wake up each morning worried something is going to happen to me! Seriously, what if something happens to me? Tell me I am wrong at how scary that sounds! You can be honest, I won’t hold it against you! But think about it. You wake up every day and you are it! The sole provider, the sole parent, the sole caregiver (that she trusts) at home, and you feel as though you cannot take any more, but for some reason it just keeps fucking coming!!!!!!!!!! Just because she is sick and dying doesn’t mean the bills stop, or the debt goes away, it doesn’t mean the kids can just automatically accept that dad is now the end all be all for parenting, it doesn’t mean the ranch will just run itself! No it’s all on me! Fucking Me!!!

You know what is even funnier? Come on, guess what’s even funnier???

Through all this, I am supposed care about your emergency when I show up in my fire engine!!! Don’t get me wrong, I do, I still give it 100% when we pull in front of your house, but please forgive me if I am not as excited about your papercut, vomit, alcohol laced sickness or cancer that you thought you had but really didn’t because you were misdiagnosed during a DMV physical by a third party doctor who swore you had a pacemaker which you had no idea you needed due to a history of diabetes that runs through your entire family but missed your third cousin Billy.

Yeah……

Still here?

Sorry I know this was supposed to be a talk between you and I and it has instead turned more into a rant. I never meant to bring you any worry or discomfort, I hope you can forgive me. I am just tired, really, really tired of it all.

Deep inside, I am struggling hard. I wake up every morning and stare at her to see if she is still breathing. Somedays I am lucky and she is up, fumbling around in the kitchen making coffee, other days she looks dead to the world and I freak a little. Every day is spent in the house trying to keep up. I no longer know which way to turn.

I feel as though there is nothing positive going on in my/our lives. I have a career that has been placed on hold for 5 years now and I feel it slipping away. The horses and the ranch are barley getting by and I have other people riding our horses as I cannot even throw a leg over one. I am struggling to find joy in the little moments with our kids as those moments are few and far between plus when the times are good there is always a backhanded slap from something that goes wrong when we get home. I feel myself aging at a rapid rate and I fear death may find me soon too and that scares me the most. Eventually losing their mom then losing me not to long after. The thought of my kids having no one when this bell is finally rung is petrifying.

I have always tried to make light, be funny, show anyone that will listen that no matter what, you can get through anything. And now I feel like a hypocrite. For I have nothing positive to say, no words of wisdom, no stellar advice.

All I hear in my head is the sounds of sadness and quote from long ago.

People die every day, what are you going to do about it?

Answer: Nothing.

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Can we talk? Please???

  1. Thank you for this one Betty, for me personally. I feel no happiness and no joy right now. I feel lonely and tired. My mom is in the hospital and there’s talk of hospice, we have 4 sick dogs and the loss of Jacy this week has sucked the life right out of me. I know I, we will get through this but it just feels really shitty right now.

  2. You have 4 amazing kiddos that need you
    I know life has dealt you a really, really crappy hand but know that love surrounds you.
    I can’t imagine the pain you are in and I can throw all of the silly bs “things will get better” stuff but I won’t.
    You are an amazing man, getting thrown terrible things, and I am so sorry for that. My aunt had a similar path. Lost two kiddos and her first husband before she was 30. Her second husband of 40+ years passed in bed beside her. I don’t know how she got out of bed some days but she did with a smile on her face and always laughing. She was also my godmother and was always a positive person in my life.
    You will get through this… you are strong

  3. Thank you for being brave to write and share this piece. Cling to your faith even though it is being tested, stretched and confusing as to why. Look for even the tiniest thing in each day that brings you reassurance that you are where you need to be, how you need to be and feel what you need to feel. Psalms 118:24 “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” This Is what got me through the depths of dispair during chemo, dad’s passing, mom’s “issues”, siblings, adult children, pets passing, sick innocent grand girls facing multiple surgeries, through a third breast reconstruction because cancer took my breasts and through the joys, kids weddings, granddaughter’s births and life in general. I say it most days and it helps. I know you don’t necessarily want to hear my preaching, but I want you to know I have been in the depths of doo-doo not like yours but like yours to me. I know this man who writes and pours out his heart is a darn fine man. A strong man. This sucks more than we can feel for you but your writing helps many, I am sure to look, at the day the Lord has made. For this I thank you.

    1. Thank you Debbie, my only wish has always been to let just one other person know they can and will get through it. They just need to understand they are not alone while submerged in the hard parts.

  4. Thank you for sharing this and I can only try to imagine what your days are like – it is painful to read all you and your family are struggling through.

    Maybe there is just one comforting thing you can hang on to each day and that can get you through to the other side of all this pain.

    I follow your posts and pray for you- so sorry for your loss
    Heather

  5. You are not alone. Your heart is so big and your soul is pure. Remember all we truly have is the present moment. You have been loving and kind. You have given so unselfishly. You have nothing to be guilty about. So many people love you and your family and carry you close. I am amazed at your strength, your courage, your unbounded love. The life challenges you have faced over and over again would take down any strong man and yet you continue on. You are an amazing man! Love and light and goodness surrounds you. Sending you loving kindness and a promise of prayers for you and your family. Elaine

  6. You don’t always have to say anything to provide stellar advice or encouragement. The fact that you are surviving this and leading your kids is enough of an example for everyone. The fact that you are being honest about your anger and the how this whole thing sucks is another good example and shows you are not being a hypocrite. Your raw honesty states it all and the fact that you keep going is all anyone really needs from you. That is how you help people. Just keep doing what you do, that speaks louder and more clear than any clever words that might come out of your mouth.

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