Who am I?
Several times in my life I have pondered this very question. Now of course I know my name, where I live, who my parents are and where I came from not only geographically but through genealogy as well. But really, who am I? One would believe the answer to be forthright, rapid in response, easy to answer, yet it never has been in my experience.
Who am I?
Oh sure they all sound great! Are these labels I have placed upon myself the answer to who I am or are they the answer to what am I? After all I am a father of four who is married, leaving me the husband to one awesome woman. I try my very best to be a good friend to those who have decided to keep me in their “circle of trust”. Firefighter is my day job; it has definite highs in conjunction with incredibly heavy lows which leave enormous scars upon my soul. I live the life of a modern day cowboy, riding horses and working cows a couple of times a week with other cowboy friends. Cleaning stalls, fixing fence and building barns are all part of my daily routine. I used to be a solid steadfast biker (motorcycles), anything with two wheels was my motto, but that was before children. Occasionally I am blessed with the ability to ride a friend’s bike and I look forward to the day when I am back on two wheels of my own. In my youth I was an average athlete and as of late I have reconnected with my athletic, competitive side. A writer only in effort as nothing I have written has ever been published. The majority of my writings are nothing more than the rambling drivel of a father looking to express his feelings laden with humor and sarcasm. I am always hoping to connect with other parents so we may all laugh at not only our own shortcomings, but the trials and tribulations of raising our two legged little spawn to adulthood. And as for being a fisherman, well I love to fish, enough said.
These all describe through title various aspects of my being, but like I stated earlier; are they who I am? Or are they nothing more than the byproduct of my existence?
Who am I?
Every time I ask this question of myself the answer seems to drift farther away.
Who am I? Then, when trapped and stunted by my own inability to answer this question to satisfaction, my brain decides to throw a curve ball by asking; can I become more and will that sustain me?
As a father I stare into my children’s eyes and pray someday they will be able to answer this very same question; a question which has haunted me my entire life! A moment in time when they will no longer go through life feeling as though a piece is missing or there is an unanswered question that looms on the horizon as is with myself. But a solid foundation of fact that leaves them proud of who they are and what they have become. Able to stand up and answer the question; who am I, with conviction and pride!
Sadly I cannot. I can spout reflections on journeys past; live through the titles that bear my name, yet for some strange reason I cannot tell you who I am. Maybe it’s a philosophical question that can never be answered? Maybe my expectations are set so high that I may never achieve true knowledge in this regard, maybe I have A.D.D. which leaves my wheels spinning and my brain chasing butterflies.
Maybe I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam?
But I wonder,
Can you answer the question; who am I?