Tag: cooking dad

Glitter

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Glitter is an awesome party favor.  Glitter is used to make things shimmer.  Glitter is the staple of any New years Eve party! Glitter is worn by young girls, older women and any male subject who has recently visited a strip club (so I am told).  But what I recently discovered about glitter has me befuddled, perplexed and strangely mortified.  You see I was recently informed that glitter, actually comes from the female anatomy?

I know, crazy huh? Yet I was informed very directly by a nice young lady that glitter comes from girls.  Now as a father of reason and fair judgment I decided to delve deeper into this subject.  Also being a firefighter/EMT I have a reasonable amount of knowledge in regards to both the male and female anatomy.  Yet no where in the volumes of medical jargon I was forced to endure, do I remember the female anatomy having one gland, one organ that produces glitter?

Deciding more in-depth questions needed to be asked I sought out the little starlet in question and found her conversing happily with my boys.  What was her angle? Who was the direct source of her knowledge base.  (Plain lingo; what fool told this little girl she can produce glitter?) How can she create glitter and why?  She was very assured of her position and when I asked her to explain to me in detail the gist of this modern-day side-show miracle she simply motioned me over to her side.  As I knelt down she whispered to me to please be very quiet.  You see her cheeks were turning red as she quietly stated: I want to whisper this to you because it’s not the type of thing a girl should be talking about, but just so you know I told your boys the very same thing I am about to tell you.

I was all abuzz, I couldn’t wait to hear the little secret that surely would unlock some mystery to the female anatomy.  I leaned in closer and whispered’ go ahead honey I am all ears.  

Girls dont fart they glitter!

WHAT!!!!!  No wait uh WHAT!!!!  HUH!  UH! Duh! HMMMM??  Ok??? AAHHH??

Yep that’s what she said, girls don’t fart, they glitter! Seriously you can’t make this shit up!  I held my composure as to not laugh in front of the young lass as she was being so very serious in her response.  I excused myself for a moment to take a breath of fresh air outside and let out a hearty chuckle solely at the expense of  little princess with the glitter producing bum!  After composing myself, I returned and before I could rejoin the conversation my middle child approached me to let me know it was true! He had seen it with his own eyes!  Now for a split second I was mortified, terrified, and panicked!  I had visions of an irate father accosting me in response to my son seeing a whole lot more of his precious angel than should be witnessed prior to marriage! But before the panick attack could set in he followed up his statement with;  Yeah dad she let out a big old fart in the car!  We all started laughing because well you know; farting is funny!  But she just smiled and told us she didn’t fart she glittered!  We all heard it dad really!  But whats strange is when she got up from her chair there was glitter! it was everywhere in the seat; she told us that her mom says its ok, because girls don’t fart they glitter.

Clearly someone had pulled the wool over these boys eyes!  Yet they had bought the production lock, stock and barrel.  They now believed when a girl farts she glitters.  Now I was ready willing and able to dispel this new-found myth right away! Nip it in the bud or butt as it where, yet something just couldn’t bring me to do it.  Something just hammered at my conscience about ruining the illusion this young lady had created for herself.  I actually envied the creative process that allowed her or her mother to come up with this little charade and the best part is they pulled it off!  I know the truth, you know the truth and all you women out there definitely know the truth!  I have heard stories, I have seen a few of you girls in action, all innocent and lady like them BAM! Your nose is on fire, tears streaming from your eyes and all you get is a coy little “oops, sorry was that me?” Well of course it was you, there are only two of us here and that tuba sound didn’t come from my posterior!  Truth be told, I have known women that could make the 49ers defensive line cry!

Yet what purpose would it have served to call her out?  None.  My boys believed for the longest time she had the power to fart glitter.  My boys also believed that all women farted glitter.  That it was what a true lady of refinement, class and culture does;  ultimately is that really such a bad thing to believe?

Now someone show me the man who belches Hershey’s kisses.  If the two of them meet we might have ourselves a New Years eve party…

 

Sportsmanship is dying…

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Today is a bit of a rant; A conversation with a co-worker got this ball rolling and I thought HMMMM maybe a little reminder to other parents might be nice. So hate me if you will, or agree with me if you so choose. It’s all good. Sometimes when raising our kids we are our own worse enemies

It’s that time of year again, the local paper tells the story. There are signs up all over town and anybody who is anybody has seen it posted on their Facebook page, a recommendation from a friend or board member! Little league baseball, girls softball, volleyball and kids basketball. Swimming. rugby, football and lets not forget soccer! All the wonderful sports that our children beg us to participate in are gearing up for another full season! Kids sports are great, I think all kids should have the opportunity to try out for multiple sports hopefully finding something they really enjoy. Nothing beats the feeling of accomplishment from participating and finishing seasonal sports. It’s a great way for kids from all over your area to meet and make friends with kids from other districts or schools. In my experience this makes the transition into middle school and high school much easier for kids when they get older.

But what I don’t like about kids sports, what really gets under my skin, the thing that makes me agitated, irritated and down right frustrated! ( I think I covered the three “ated’s”) Is the death of sportsmanship. Not from the kids, but from the parents. The overbearing, unsportsmanlike parents that come with each and every season. The parent that is single-handedly the loudest most obnoxious person at the event. The parent that publicly berates their child when that child doesn’t live up to their expectations. The parent who after embarrassing their child to the point of tears usually turns to another parent and justifies their horrific actions by pulling an “Al Bundy”. You know what an Al Bundy is don’t you? The “In high school I scored four touchdowns in a single game” routine! Because everyone knows that you, peaked in high school, therefore your child must bear the brunt of your failures and become a pro sports star to carry on the incredible legacy you have left behind! Yeah that guy! Oh and now that I have started this; it’s not just the guys either! It’s the moms too! You can’t miss them, heck, no-one can! They are the loudest most belligerent ones in the building! More obnoxious than any man could ever become! They slap their boy in the back of the head letting them know if their father was there he would surely be disappointed in this sub-par performance. They scream at their daughters constantly, so loudly the coach can’t be heard! And lord have mercy don’t you dare mumble anything about the team doing poorly when their baby is out there, she will turn on you like a lioness protecting her cub. Even though you never said anything in direct relations to little princess.

Listen its like this, I coached baseball for 5 years, it was fun, no; let me rephrase that, it was great! The kids were fantastic! They all come with desire and a wanting to learn the game, how it’s played and the rules. Many parents wish they could be present but balancing the needs of their kids along with the schedules that youth sports brings to the family dynamics can be difficult. That’s where a good coach can really bring the game to the next level for these kids! We are there everyday, on time, ready with a practice plan and a will to give our love of the game to a group of children that really wish to learn. If its done right the kids look up to us, we show them respect and admiration for a job well done. But every year no matter how hard we as coaches try there is always at least one “Al Bundy” that shows up running his/her mouth about the poor “quality” of coaching, or constantly yelling out new directions during the game which is inevitably NOT what you wanted the kid to do at that very moment. All you can think is if you wanted to be a coach why didn’t you sign up!

At some point that parent will also take great pleasure in berating a ref or two just for fun. Then just when you think everything is calmed down and under control, that poor child will be on the bench crying. CRYING! And do you know why? Because that nice, willing to learn, I love baseball more than anything kid will break under the pressure of trying their hardest to do what you want them to do but also trying to do what Al Bundy is screaming at them to do. The kid feels like he/she can’t let their parents down, they can’t let the team down, they can’t let the coach down and they can’t let themselves down. HMMMM that is a lot of emotional baggage for an adult to handle let alone a child. Not only is it a lot for the child to carry but it mentally affects the entire team!

Before you know it the kid is underperforming, coming late to practice, causing problems with other team mates and the kid doesn’t know why. It breaks my heart every time. Super competitive, out of control parents bring mental destruction to more talented kids than injuries, poor coaching, and poor performance in my humble opinion.

Now you can say to yourself; What the heck does he know! He only coached for 5 years, what experience is that? There are plenty of competitive parents that raise super successful sports stars! You would be right there are plenty of competitive parents that raise wonderfully talented well-balanced, intelligent children and see them through all their successes. But its done through positive reinforcement! Not unsportsmanlike, negative, soul crushing belittling.

This is what I know; After five years of coaching baseball, the boys and I were headed to sign ups/try-outs. They were not looking their usual “Joe DiMaggio” selves. Sensing something was amiss, I leaned over the seat and asked them what was up? I received a sheepish reply of “nothing”. I said: come on out with it? Silence was my only reply. As they stared, talking to each other with their eyes. It hit me! Yep right then it dawned on me, I had become that super competitive idiot with my own kids? Except I worse than one of those parents, I was the coach…. I couldn’t understand how this happened! I loved baseball, I loved to play it, I fully understood the game and its unique strategies. But with my own kids I had pushed them into not liking the game anymore, by forcing them to play harder and better than I ever dreamed of playing. So I swallowed hard, leaned back over the seat and asked them both; Are you guys playing for me or are you playing for you? With heads hung low they both said; Dad we are playing for you. With that I turned the truck around and we went out to lunch. It was one of the best lunches I can remember.

So listen to your kids, protect them from the “Al Bundy’s” of the world. Even if that “Al Bundy” turns out to be you. Teach them that “Winning” is the by-product of fair play, sportsman like conduct, honest training and a true love for the game/sport they are playing. Praise them on a job well done and praise them on a dignified loss, teach them to respect their opponents when they lose. For the only way to understand the thrill of victory is through the agony of defeat.

One last thing; as I learned the hard way, just because you played a particular sport, doesn’t mean your kid is going to want to play the same sport. Let them choose, let them try, then let them try something new until they find what they enjoy playing. Also, if they just don’t like any sports that’s ok too. Love them for who they are, because how they turn out as adults is a direct reflection of how you turned out as a parent. Once again, just my opnion….

Is a dog mans best friend?

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A dog is mans best friend.  How many times have you heard this phrase?  “A dog is mans best friend”. Its sounds like a viable statement doesn’t it?  A dog is mans best friend?  See I have heard this all my life.  My mom raised AKC (American Kennel Club for those not in the know) dogs for profit, when I was a kid, and you always heard that statement flying around.  A dog is mans best friend???  HHHMMMM? I know it must be true because when my friends come back from duck hunting they’re always touting the excellent agility, loyalty and just plain olympic caliber performances that each of their dogs has displayed.  And yet it still doesn’t set with me.  Are those things what really makes a dog your best friend?

My son asked me the other day; why is a dog mans best friend? Why not a cat? I stumbled on the question for a minute, while reflecting on the many dogs I have cared for in my life. While recognizing I did not have one friend that had a cat as their “best friend”.  I thought of the loyalty, and the love shown by those animals, I thought about how after time they became like a member of the family.  And like a member of the family, lets say oh the uncle no one want to see or the great-aunt with bad breath that no one wants to smooch at the family reunion.  There are a few dogs who have graced my life that I just don’t miss at all!  So I take a good hard swallow looked my boy right in his steely little eyes and pulled this little gem of half whitted wisdom out for him to hear!

Son, I don’t believe a dog is mans best friend, on the contrary, I believe it’s a boys best friend.  (I know you are scratching your head right now and spouting; WHAT YOU TALIKING BOUT’ WILLIS!  As he raised one Vulcan eyebrow to comprehend this masterpiece of wisdom I continued on before he stripped a gear thinking about it.

Son its like this, when you are a young lad all you think about besides candy, hot wheels and ice cream is getting a dog.  He nodded his head in approval.  I continued; There are not to many boys in this world that have not begged for a dog at least once in their adolescent existence.  Boys across this country have sat in their room and daydreamed about the dog they would own.  A dog that would be their very best friend and go everywhere with them, protecting them from all the evil in the world.  Hunting with them across the undiscovered countryside of the early west, trapping beaver and chasing squirrels.  Knocking down buffalo and traveling on safari together you and your dog would be an inseparable pair.

Some boys actually live the dream as many parents cave into the begging, crying and whining.  The dog is usually a present, based on Hallmark holidays arriving with a bow and a sack of dog food.  For the lucky young lad a new life emerges.  One of countless hours of training, playing and poop pick up.  Shouts of joy from success, and tears of anguish when failure rears its ugly head.  But at the end of the turmoil a young lad now has a new best friend.  If he is lucky the dog is allowed to go with him everywhere, sleep on or in his bed and lay on his lap while watching tv.  They become two peas in a pod.  The adventures are not quite what was dreamed about, but through the magic of imagination they are darn close.  The dog is there when the boy has a horrible day to secretly cry on (remember in testosterone filled mythology boys don’t cry) and the dog is there to talk too when things aren’t going so well.  No girl is ever allowed to touch said dog, and a paw to hand pact is made that a woman will never come between them.  The dog is always happy to see him when he gets home, and equally as sad when he leaves for school in the morning. The best thing is both boy and dog think “farting” is the funniest thing in the world!

There you are, all the proof I need! I say verily that yes, the dog truly is the “boys” best friend!

Now don’t get me wrong, there are many men out there with dogs.  These animals are loved and cared for and are truly part of the family.  But its a different bond. You see in the eyes of the boy, the dog is everything! In the eyes of a man, the dog is part of a much bigger picture. The family.  So that’s my justification for why dogs are a boys best friend.

Just for the record, this all came about, because my oldest son finally went and purchased his very first dog.  It’s a hunting dog, a German short hair. According to my son its cute and funny and really smart.  She retrieves really well and is very happy to be with him. The dog came home today and we will slowly be inducting her into our family.  See, spoken like a true man…. Sit ubu sit…

2012 a fresh new start, I think……

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It’s here, it’s here! Yep that’s right 2012 is here! Shout it from the rooftops for all to hear! 2012 is finally here!!

What you already knew that?? I am shocked? I am not the first one to tell you that its 2012?  How embarrassing….  How can this be?  I am confused????? Oh that’s right, the endless party invites you received probably gave it away.  Or the 48 hours of your local news counting down until the very last moment when they switched the broadcast over to Carson Daily and his motley crew of semi famous party goer’s.  Oh wait; maybe it was the endless stream of News Years Eve footage from other countries, being thrown about like a frisbee on the internet for all to see!  Or if you lived completely under a rock maybeeeeee it was the explosions and war zone gun fire that woke you up at 12:01am that did the trick.

Oh well either way I am still excited! 2012 is finally here!  I now have twelve months to help my worry wart 11-year-old understand that just because the Mayan calender ended doesn’t mean the world is going to end on December 21st of this year.  That Mayans in fact believed the end of this recorded cycle meant the planet would go through a “positive physical or spiritual change” .  Now I don’t know about you but I am pretty sure the human race could use both of those things about now! 

2012 also means facing a few facts that I have been avoiding. Or at the very least acting like they would never bother me. 

Our 15-year-old is going to start driving this year.  It wasnt a big deal before but here we are literally days away from him being able to take the permit test.  As the very famous philosopher Charlie Brown once stated after having the football pulled away from him; AAAAARRRRGGGGGGG! I thought I was ready for this time-honored passage into teenage/adulthood but I am not!  I already worry about every part of my kids lives everyday, I drink Mylanta the way most people would consume a chocolate shake! Slowly to avoid brain feeze and with a straw! I do breathing exercises like a fat kid staring at the biggest jelly doughnut he’s ever seen when it comes to making decisions about whether or not my kids should stay the night at someone’s house!  Yet here we are in 2012 and I now feel as though this is the year I finally get my long-awaited ulcer!  Dont get me wrong, out of all my kids he is the one I trust the most to take the driving test challenge and succeed……  Holy crap did I just write that, I am doomed!!!!  I will need a stomach transplant when it comes to the other three!  Maybe I’ll get lucky and they will pass a law that says they can’t drive till they are 18? 

My soon to be 12-year-old is going to start JR. HIGH!  Now that doesn’t sound like a big deal to most people, but for me it a huge deal!  Heres my problem, it’s not the increased class schedule, it’s not that he will be joining kids from the other three elementary schools in the area.  It’s not that he will be introduced to a larger scale of peer pressure and influence. Its none of these things that I am concerned with (ok maybe the influence thing a little).  What I am concerned with the most?  He is cute!  Now I don’t mean your average everyday cute! Nope! I don’t mean your my kid and of course no matter how homely you really are I still think your cute because I have too, cute!  This kid is downright cute, good-looking, handsome! He has big eyes, big dimples and a gigantic heartwarming smile! You know the type of smile I am talking about, the type of smile that warms a heart two sizes too small?  Yeah that’s our boy!  He has a following too!  Where ever we go, the girls are sure to follow.  He has just as many “girlfriends”as he does male counterparts.  I am dreading hormones and testosterone, giggling girls and irate fathers.  Late night phone calls and cell phone monitoring.  The good news is he’s been raised right!  He is a gentleman, he says please and thank you and he has respect for himself and others.  So maybe I am overreacting and I’ll only need to start on a low dose of Zoloft by the end of the year. 

As for the rest of them, no worries at all.  I think??? 

I don’t believe in making useless New Years promises that no one can possibly keep!  But I will promise to continue with my way of being a father.  In 2012 I promise to continue to love my kids, be there when they need me and even when they don’t.  I promise to butt into their lives on a daily basis, correct them when they are wrong and praise them when they are right!  I promise that ice cream and frozen yogurt are something that no matter how broke we are, we will always be able to afford.  I promise to always take their phone calls when I am at work and listen to their problems with an open mind.  I promise to continue to teach them; a sense of humor will get you farther in life than determination alone.  I promise to take a moment out of my day every now and again to hug and dance with my daughter.  But most important of all, after spending endless hours with my children, I promise to take the time to constantly show love and affection towards my wife.  Who our children become as adults is a direct reflection on how we behave as a married couple.  Dont you think??

Happy New Year….

Christmas Cookies

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I love Christmas cookies!  Love them!  So much I think I would cross a street of broken glass barefoot to get too them!  I like chocolate ones, I like shortbread ones, I like almond ones, I like peanut butter ones, heck I even like coconut ones!  I love Christmas cookies!

Today I took it upon myself to make some Christmas cookies from scratch to give to a few friends for the holidays!  I went to the store and bought the ingrediants I didnt already have in the kitchen.  I patiently took all the hardware out I needed.  I even put on a Christmas movie so there would be a little ambiance in the background. 

I set the temp on the oven.

greased up the tins.

spread out the chocolate.

fired up the double boiler.

I then spent the next two hours mixing, dropping (a term for putting the dough on the cookie sheet) and baking.  It was heaven!  Just me and some of the best ingriediants known to the baking world.  Making some of the most deliscious cookies ever! 

But something was missing….  You see I was doing all of this fun stuff at work.  (I am a firefighter).  There were no little kids helping me lick the bowls, no one to sneak chocolate chips while I was folding the butter.  No one to help melt white chocolate in the double boiler for the icing.  Yep it was all perfect untill I realized it was too perfect.  Perfectly quiet. 

I needed a little person there to impart my cooking wisdom upon.  Years my father spent in the bakery of his restruant with me as a teenager/young adult acting like I didnt care because it wasnt cool to cook.  But in reality I was watching listening and learning from a man who got up every morning at 3am to make sure bread was baked for the days meals.  I want my children to know that REAL men cook.  REAL men bake and provide for their families in a multitude of ways!  REAL men take great pride in giving the gift of baked goods at Christmas.  Because to me nothing comes “more from the heart” than when I take the time to bake (I mean bake, not prepackaged crap, but from scratch)something sweet for you, my friend.  So there I was alone…..  Or so I thought.

Looking over my shoulder was one of our new guys.  He is young, in his early twenties, a good kid full of heart.  I was going to ask what he needed but a light came on in my head instead.  I leaned over and said; Lets make some cookies, you get some eggs and Ill start mixing the flour.  He smiled and jumped right to it!  Within seconds one of the other new guys also jumped in and the three of us were chuckling and dropping dough. 

After the first round came out and we all had a taster, the vote was unanimous.  Make some more!  And more we did!  I slowly backed away leaving the young guys to do it on their own.  They had watched carefully, studied the methods used and applied them perfectly.  They are both now filled with Christmas spirit as am I.  As I write this the two of them are carefully working on the next batch. 

I had a great Pre Christmas day! Filled with good laughs, good food and yes I can say it.  In a way I had my “kids” with me as I baked for people I care about. 

Did I mention “I love cookies”….