Tag: attitude

Haiti revisited six months later….

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Yesterday I was blessed with the opportunity to speak to our congregation in regards to the Haitian mission trip we participated in last June. John (Our leader) asked if the entire group would come speak. There were three presentation opportunities and we could choose all three or just one. Being the overachiever I am (sarcasm) two seemed sufficient.

Now being one to prepare for such an occasion (not) I decided to procrastinate, so much so that I walked into church with absolutely nothing to say. That’s right, not a word, no outline, no paragraph, no pictures, nothing. Let me reiterate NOTHING TO SAY!

Our Mission trip leader John arrived organized as always with a perfect outline combined with knowledge, experience, emotion and a closing statement. He sat next to me and asked if I was prepared. I laughed the nervous laugh one gives when out matched and simply stated: nope gonna wing it! John laughed and said good luck. Or something to that effect, I don’t know seeing his preparation my heart rate had already doubled and sweat was rolling down my back. Nitro anyone, I believe I am having chest pain…

Now don’t get me wrong I have spoken in front of large crowds without so much as a glitch! Stood before city council and read a resolution, spent the better part of my youth on the altar in church. Crowds never have been a problem for me. You want me to stand up and talk, heck yeah I got this! But you must remember, I say what comes to mind andi-phone pics 067 there in lies the problem. Some may find me humorous, others serious with a message, while a handful I will just downright piss off! History has shown there is no in between when it comes to me. I don’t just make you uncomfortable, or miffed, I just piss you off to the point of hatred! I think its my face (something I can’t change without plastic surgery, thanks god), or maybe my irish ancestry that tends to arise when its something I am very passionate about. Either way this would be one of those occasions where nothing would sadden me more than sending the wrong message to a group of people yearning for knowledge.

John stood up, and gave a very factual rendition of our trip, he covered highs and lows, but most of all he recognized the importance of God in our lives on a daily basis. The entire time he was talking all I could ponder was what moronic statement would come from my steel trap of broken dreams! Right before I rose to speak an argument arose inside my head: Self, you write all the time why couldn’t you write a prepared statement for this event? Why? Of course I answered myself with a very sarcastic; read your own blog you idiot, you already wrote over 12,000 words on the topic! Duh!!

Before I could retort myself; John called my name. I stood up, rubbed my sweaty palms together, took a deep breath and decided for some ungodly reason to visualize Tony Robbins while walking towards the stage! Suddenly I was 6 foot tall, perfectly combed hair and teeth larger than a Clydesdale! Perfect! Inspiration here I come!!!!

Now I could replay word for word what happened next, but see that’s the beauty of winging it; it’s never the same story twice and telling it with the same emotion as the very moment it leaves your lips is near impossible. The simple gist, try something you think you never would do, I said no a million times to this trip and am so glad I finally said yes! Mission work is not for everyone, but what is for everyone is shedding the trappings of our over scheduled disposable life and returning to basic humanity once in a while. As far as the presentation itself, the point that really needs to be made is this; I believe there was a reason no preparation was necessary. There was a higher power in control of my abilities and he knew if I wrote everything down I could never tell the story appropriately. Even more important is I believe I needed to relive those moments back in June for anyone to even understand the message that needed delivering. When it was over I was surprised, not just by the story, not just by the delivery or who was listening or the fact it was pulled from the vast wasteland that is my brain!. No I was 9-11-2011surprised by how emotionally moving/draining it was, almost to the point of tears when referring to my son, his experience, the wonderful people of Leveque and how much I hated it there,(hot, sweaty, large scary bugs)! Leaving was so incredibly hard, because even though you couldn’t wait to go home, see your family, actually drink something cool and have a moment when sweat wasnt running down your back, your front, oh hell everywhere! You didn’t want to leave those people, so full of love, and faith, the belief there was a better tomorrow on the horizon. For a little while the Haitian people filled a jaded man with love for humanity..

I would liken the experience to carrying a guilty burden for years, acting like it never happened until the very moment you spill the beans to the authorities. You know its over and there may be consequences but its out, and you feel nothing but relief…

The presentation went well, everyone seemed to understand the message, enjoy the small journey they went on that morning. Many came up to us and offered genuine thanks afterwords for our work and the ability to share. I was relieved. No one hated my face….

As for my alter ego that morning, well I put Tony Robbins back on the shelf for a future date when I may need some self-help super powers.

I am going back to Haiti in the spring, looking forward to refueling my love for humanity once again….

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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Sometimes when opportunity comes knocking it’s behind a door that should’nt be opened.  Just a thought…

Carry on that is all…

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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Ghosts, bigfoot, mermaids or the impending apocalypse are all speculations held specifically for the true believer.  But if you find yourself strolling along a beach when something human looking with a tail darts by in the surf, or walking through the woods when a deafening ungodly howl explodes into the night air whilst staring at an oversized foot print in the mud, or the old  house you just purchased moans “get out”; one thing and one thing only should cross you mind regardless of your beliefs.

Hit your friend in the knee and RUN! It’s not the fastest that survives it’s the smartest!

Just saying… Carry on that is all…

 

My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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Knowing ones self-worth is of paramount importance. If you don’t know, that’s fine, but please don’t act confused as others around you struggle to estimate its cost.  Just saying..

Carry on that is all…..

Who Am I??

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Who am I?

Several times in my life I have pondered this very question.  Now of course I know my name, where I live, who my parents are and where I came from not only geographically but through genealogy as well.  But really, who am I? One would believe the answer to be forthright, rapid in response, easy to answer, yet it never has been in my experience.

Who am I?

Father                                  

Husband

Friend

Firefighter

Cowboy

Biker

Athlete

Writer

Fisherman

Oh sure they all sound great! Are these labels I have placed upon myself the answer to who I am or are they the answer to what am I? After all I am a father of four who is married, leaving me the husband to one awesome woman. I try my very best to be a good friend to those who have decided to keep me in their “circle of trust”.  Firefighter is my day job; it has definite highs in conjunction with incredibly heavy lows which leave enormous scars upon my soul. I live the life of a modern day cowboy, riding horses and working cows a couple of times a week with other cowboy friends.  Cleaning stalls, fixing fence and building barns are all part of my daily routine. I used to be a solid steadfast biker (motorcycles), anything with two wheels was my motto, but that was before children. Occasionally I am blessed with the ability to ride a friend’s bike and I look forward to the day when I am back on two wheels of my own.  In my youth I was an average athlete and as of late I have reconnected with my athletic, competitive side.  A writer only in effort as nothing I have written has ever been published.  The majority of my writings are nothing more than the rambling drivel of a father looking to express his feelings laden with humor and sarcasm.  I am always hoping to connect with other parents so we may all laugh at not only our own shortcomings, but the trials and tribulations of raising our two legged little spawn to adulthood. And as for being a fisherman, well I love to fish, enough said.

These all describe through title various aspects of my being, but like I stated earlier; are they who I am? Or are they nothing more than the byproduct of my existence?

Who am I?

Every time I ask this question of myself the answer seems to drift farther away.

Who am I? Then, when trapped and stunted by my own inability to answer this question to satisfaction, my brain decides to throw a curve ball by asking; can I become more and will that sustain me?

As a father I stare into my children’s eyes and pray someday they will be able to answer this very same question; a question which has haunted me my entire life!  A moment in time when they will no longer go through life feeling as though a piece is missing or there is an unanswered question that looms on the horizon as is with myself.  But a solid foundation of fact that leaves them proud of who they are and what they have become. Able to stand up and answer the question; who am I, with conviction and pride!

Sadly I cannot.  I can spout reflections on journeys past; live through the titles that bear my name, yet for some strange reason I cannot tell you who I am.  Maybe it’s a philosophical question that can never be answered?  Maybe my expectations are set so high that I may never achieve true knowledge in this regard, maybe I have A.D.D. which leaves my wheels spinning and my brain chasing butterflies.

Maybe I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam? 

But I wonder,

Can you answer the question; who am I?

What my father never taught me about life……

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What my father never taught me about life or at the very least I refused to listen too….

Over the years there have been numerous times when my ideals, opinions and hard learned wisdom have spewed forth wanted or not.  Reflecting on the expansion of my life over the years from a single man aimlessly wandering through life to a married father of four with a career, mortgage and an unending flow of responsibility; I wonder how life should be experienced by my children.  Should they struggle earning their way through hardship, confusion and eventually embarrassment? Or should I provide them an effortless transition into adulthood with all the privileges it entails?

While stuck in this conundrum I find myself spewing more wisdom to one of our younger members here at the firehouse.  Good solid foundation wisdom, things my father never taught me. (He was always gone at work)  It was then I realized this list needed to be created.  A middle ground if you will, not just for me, not just for my children but for all children and parents out there who are afraid, embarrassed, or alone and unable to sit down and have an open honest conversation about life and what awaits them in this scary world.

There is no order of importance in these writings, just written down as they flowed from brain.

Finances

A credit card is not the same as money.  It never has been and it never will be, if you are using a credit card you are just padding some wealthy executive’s pockets.  Pay cash, or use a debit card.  Save yourself the interest.

Put away a portion of your paycheck every pay period.  Even if its $10.00! Don’t use it for anything! You will be amazed at how fast it adds up and becomes a tangible amount, there in case of a cash emergency.

Purchase used instead of new! There is nothing wrong with “thrifting”! I have tons of brand new and slightly used designer clothing obtained from thrift stores! I have lots of friends who spend thousands a year on new designer clothing! If that’s how you wish to spend your money that is fantastic! But I live on a small budget and I can’t tell you how many times compliments have rained down on my thrift store attire! Example: New designer shirt with tags at thrift store $4.99 after 50% off sale $2.50! Same shirt in a well known department store that rhymes with ordstroms; $69.99 true story!

A used car with 20-50,000 miles on it, is still a new car to you! Don’t waste your money on a brand new car! You might as well just shred 10-20,000 dollars and throw it into the wind!  Is a subjective status so important to you that throwing away that kind of money remotely makes sense?

Don’t live beyond your means! If you can’t afford it you don’t need it! Our country does a fantastic job through marketing of making you feel as though you are entitled to a new car, a new house, a new boat, a new motorcycle, a new trailer, a new leather jacket, etc…. Right behind that marketing genius are commercials warping your mind into believing you need $40,000 in credit cards along with a second on your house, helping you keep up with the Jones’s! Don’t fall into this materialistic trap.  Set a budget, learn your true expenses, your true needs, then identify your wants and systematically achieve them over time! Not tomorrow with a 19% interest credit card or next week with a 7.5% interest loan, but over time through hard work and savings.  The best person to borrow from is you! Not some bank in a glass & steel building on Wall Street!

If you decide it’s time to purchase a home, make sure it fits into your budget! We have all heard stories about families moving into a house they couldn’t afford only to lose it later because making the payments became impossible! Yes there are many unscrupulous and greedy lenders out there backed by even greedier banks but the responsibility still falls upon you! A 5000 square foot palace with a pool does you no good if you can’t furnish it, maintain it, or see yourself living there in financial comfort for the next 30 years.

In the end an old saying come to mind; a penny saved is a penny earned. It still rings true to this day.

 

Your job-any job including your inevitable career choice

If you tell an employer you will do a job then do it 100% from the time you arrive till the time you leave at night. Not 20% here and 80% there, 100% all the time! You gave your word, this business gave you an opportunity and they don’t owe you a damn thing! You owe them for the paycheck that pays your bills.

If you change jobs or move on to a higher level within the company (listen closely this one is a big one) don’t under any circumstance bitch about your old job, your co-workers, the hours, your boss or any other aspect of your former occupation! I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people doing this and it always ends up biting them in the ass! Once when I was younger I applied for a driving job with a local beer vender. I made the final round of interviews and although it was a driving job, this vender was a nationally owned company with excellent benefits along with a pay scale that would have doubled my current cash flow! I wanted it bad! My final interview was a slam dunk! When I got home I just knew the job was mine! The phone rang an hour later; it was the human resources director politely informing me I had been passed over for the position! My heart sank, when I asked why, he was kind enough to explain at one point during the interview when asked about my current employer I had made a few off the cuff, derogatory remarks.  If it weren’t for those remarks which showed a lack of character from the company’s point of view the job would have been mine.  Lesson learned.

When it ends up becoming your job to correct problems within a company remember to complain up not down. Never ever let your subordinates hear you bad mouth your bosses! It just sets the tone for them to do exactly the same when you are not around.

Always lead by example. Nothing helps you climb the ladder quicker.  Ass kissing may work in the short term, but in the long run you will be labeled just that, an ass kisser.  No one will ever respect you or the work you perform.

Show up early.  Anyone can roll in with minutes to spare, but is that who you really are? The employee so disorganized, so lacking any care for the company or business you represent that you can’t show common courtesy and arrive a few minutes early to greet your co-workers.

Don’t say you can accomplish a task if you can’t.

If you need help ask for it, don’t run around acting like you know what you are doing when you clearly don’t.  Remember most people with little effort can spot a poser a mile away.

There was a time early on, when I held three jobs at once.  I said yes to all three of my bosses no matter the task.  Sometimes the three would overlap, leaving me feeling as though I was a hamster on a treadmill.  My work was always substandard and I was exhausted all the time. Never take on more than you can handle. It is one thing to get ahead, but at what cost? No kidding, thought that year I was going to have a heart attack!

That’s all for today! My next blog entry will encompass love, women, dating and relationships.

Lord help me…..

An American oxymoron…

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My 13 year old asked me the other day while watching Top Gear, a television show that originated in the UK and has grown to a spin off in the United States.

Dad; what is the difference between a GMC truck and a Chevrolet truck?

Sitting back in my chair, realizing this was a moment where I could lay waste to any positive view he may hold towards these vehicles with a short idiotic tirade, I gathered my thoughts leaned down, put my arm around him and using my best Ward Cleaver laid this little number upon his unsuspecting bewildered eyes.

Ahhhh-hemmmm!

(Clearing my throat, using my best grandpa jones old man inflection)

The difference between them son is symbolic of the widening indifference in our countries mental acuity.  You see when our country was young, led by intelligent, strong willed, dedicated individuals we as a country knew the difference between right or wrong. A child could play in the street without fear, a woman was revered by men, a mom was considered the, be all end all of every child, and your house was your home, not a temporary storage area until you moved again hoping to make an extra buck.  Community meant that everyone cared about their town and participated in its growth.  You didn’t just live there to commute somewhere else without a care in the world about your neighbors or their well being.

The difference clearly rested in a country becoming accepting of all races and religions without prejudice.  Remembering we are all products of family members who immigrated here and just because we are third or fourth generation doesn’t mean we hold some inalienable right over others trying to achieve the same dreams. Yet that is exactly what we continue to do and every race and ethnicity is as guilty as the next when it comes to this process. Our country started with the ability to parent each other’s children without fear of retribution, living under the guise of “it takes a village”.  Education was a number one priority and teachers were revered for success afforded them through flexibility not unattainable federal guidance. Teachers are taught to “have the power” and “Show students the way” yet due to spineless administrators and frivolous lawsuits our children have all the power backed by parents wanting an education for their children but refusing to back any teachers play when it comes to their precious heathens.

Oh yes son the difference is clear as daylight! For you see in this country we have allowed so many to abuse the legal system for so long that a citizen of the United States is now considered guilty until proven innocent. Prisoners have all the rights and citizens have little to no protection from the criminals.  Our police forces have been told to uphold the law using the iron fist of justice, yet the iron fist has been reduced to cheap tin and is now tied behind every officers back leaving them unable to complete any given task or have the appropriate authority to do so.

In god we trust is upon every dollar yet church and state has been cited as a conflict of moral/ethical principal. The difference is right in front of your face son. Hold the door for a woman today and you are oppressing her right to equality, don’t hold the door and you are rude self centered man. Rape and abuse are the center of every television drama, glorified for all to see which seems to be an oxymoron in a civilized society.  The real housewives of any city USA are a ratings boom feeding these women millions of dollars. As American women we should be ashamed of these poor excuses for humans yet we glorify their shallow self centered struggles. Meet any woman who behaves as they do in real life (not reality TV) and she is instantly a trash talked bitch cut from the pack and left to obscurity.

What is the difference? ah yes, everyone gets a trophy when playing sports and no one loses; because if we have all winners that means someone will feel bad about losing, possibly stunting their ability to feel good about themselves in the future.  It also means that no one person will know what it feels like to truly succeed at something through failure, there bye over time eliminating the need to perform and win from our genetic make-up.

Our society is told to go outside and live life daily, these directions come from the confines of a television we paid way too much money for because its quality is so good you actually feel as though you are there, thusly preventing you from actually being outside. The difference is complaining about the rain while sniveling about the sun, whining about the heat while crying about how cold it has become!

The differences are right in front of you, you are bombarded with them every day.   WE (Americans) choose what we believe in as individuals, then we stick to it come hell or high water! Its what makes us great as a society, but its also what may in fact lead to our downfall.

In reality there are no real differences, a tweak here a few horsepower there, but essentially the very same truck. Over the last 100 years “we the people” have become so blinded by the Hollywood glow of some that lead, so ethically corrupted by misled faith, disenchanted with reality, bought off by envy and the American advertising machine that handles everything from a bar of soap to the Presidency, that “we the people” actually believe  there is a tangible difference between a GMC and a Chevy truck.

If you don’t think other countries aren’t laughing at our pig headed stupidity then drive down to your local Honda/Acura-Nissan/Infinity- Toyota/Lexus dealers and see who is having the last laugh at your expense..

Oh yeah, by the way son the GMC truck is waayyyy better than a piece of junk Chevy truck any day! Duh!  Stupid Chevy owners…

 

 

Over the hill and through the woods to grandmothers house we go?

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I get it! I finally understand! It has taken decades but like a thunderbolt cracking reality upon my world I finally see the whole picture clearly!

Today while doing laundry I found myself quietly cursing my children as I sorted through new bath towels that strangely looked to be around 10 years old! Stained, drug through the dirt, torn at one end, it infuriated me that none of our stuff ever stays nice for very long. Why?

Our children are raised with love, understanding, moral values, and respect for others belongings, yet apparently we forgot to add an addendum to these teachings to include our own material objects.

Walking the property there is garbage just thrown to the ground, toys left outside to rot, bikes dumped where ever the moment has taken them; drinking glasses left in the sun to fade, dishes scattered about under trees, alongside rocks, near the horse pastures and clothes, Oh the clothes scattered from one end of our property to the other! Its insane! I pull my hat off and scratch the old noggin with the fervor of an impending phsychotic episode. What have we done wrong, where did we fail?

Moving into the house for a little respite from collecting wayward articles I note the towel rack is askew, ripped from the sheet rock then placed back into the mounting holes as if no one would notice. Same goes for the toilet paper dispenser, as if the movement was so abrupt little hands felt the need for hulk like strength whilst grasping this handle like object. Pee on the floor near the toilet, water pooled in front of the shower, in fact wood rot has been detected near the corner of our downstairs shower due to our children’s inability to close the shower door while bathing. It smothers the youngest ones free spirit while under the rainforest showerhead you see. Moving upstairs a trail of discarded clothing is gathered, I find myself counting numerous holes knocked into the sheetrock heading up our banister. Reaching the top I find carpet torn and several stains from god know what! Turning towards their rooms toys are scattered, clothes are thrown on the ground, beds are tossed like that of a prison cell check! We just cleaned this room not more than 14 hours ago and it’s already beyond recognition, looking as though a fragment grenade went off dead center leaving shrapnel everywhere! Luckily the only casualty was a stuffed bear, seems he’s lost a limb, although judging from the bout of thunderous noise coming through the upstairs floor last night he may have been a casualty of a good old-fashioned wrestling death match!

Back to laundry! Why, oh why do our children insist on wearing our socks? They tromp out the door, happy little smiles on their faces headed off to school and I sit back reveling in the glow of great parenthood. Then I realize they aren’t happy, the monsters are quietly gloating! Gloating about the fact they know you are going to be throwing a fit in about a half hour while trying to find a matching sock! Losing your freaking mind because you are the one who is late and not them! But look for that sock all you want you wont find it! Jr’s got it on as a supplement to the one he couldnt find! Jokes on you dad!!!!

By the way don’t even think about heading into the pantry to get that little breakfast goody you’ve been hiding! It was discovered by one of your little heathens two days ago! Then the little booger wrapped up the package to look as though the pastry was still inside, still one piece all perfect and pretty as though it just arrived from the market! Sneakily placing it back hoping you would never notice. Ha ha, too late you go hungry! Once again Jokes on you dad!

Our furniture is damaged with nicks and rings from shoes and sodas. The couch is always covered in after school sports gunk, because no matter how many times you ask them to shower first they always come home and plop their sweaty little carcasses onto the high dollar pleather! It’s no wonder when we entertain company the darn thing smells like a gym locker filled with week old sweaty gym socks! gross!

The flowers are trampled the lawn is on its deathbed regardless of my green thumb resuscitation. The fence is always losing one board or another from football games in the backyard. There are ropes hanging from trees, hot wheels in the most odd places as if Evil Knievel himself were trying to jump the gorge that traverses our back 40! It is sometimes more than a parent can handle, leaving you defeated, deflated and bewildered.

So what was my epiphany? What finally lit a bulb over my head for a super Ah Ha moment?

When I was kid I loved going to my grandparents house. The house was neat, clean and cool. Thier stuff was always the nicest, they were always happy to see us and their faces were always covered with bright happy smiles! Sometimes when we would leave I would look out the rear window to wave goodbye and there grandma would be hands over her face, crying just a little! She was so sad to see us go that tears would stream down her face! It was awesome!

I finally understand why…

The house was clean because no children lived there! Their stuff was really nice because no children lived there, they were always happy to see us because (you guessed it)no children lived in thier house! You see they knew we would leave long before we had a chance to really destroy anything! Sometimes our grandparents did cry, but not because they were sad at our departure, on the contrary; because finally peaceful serenity returned to stay! Life without destruction, whining, crying, temper tantrums, snotty noses and chaos was back on the agenda. Did they love us, yes, but they had done their time, hard time too. Our parents had grown up, thier parents were paroled and like a prisoner on visiting day they were happy to see us visit and sad to see us go, but go we must.

So I too look forward to the day my wife and I sit before the parental parole board earning our freedom. Finally left to our own devices without chaos and destruction ruling our every moment…..

Wait a moment on second thought, maybe ill just have a beer, sit back and watch for a while as our children conspire then try to take over the world. No need to rush things I suppose.

Besides I still have plenty of time to repair, replace, construct and carefully plot my revenge….

Waking up=Suck

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Waking up this morning from a short night of slumber, I sat at the edge of my firehouse bunk slowly orienting myself to time, place and event.

Time: 0600=Sucks!

Place: Still at work not home next to my lovely wife=Sucks!

Event: Daily awakening from crappy slumber after night of running calls= Suck!

As I rolled my eyes around the room, shedding “suck” from the moment, dreams that occupied my brain during the night began flashing forward like bright, stop motion photography.  Some nights they easily dissipate like the mist, while other mornings they linger, playing over and over again like a bad date or a misspoken word during the most inopportune of moments.  Groundhog day…

This morning was different from the others, as I replayed each and every one of my night’s adventures I was reminded of an article that caught my attention sometime back.  The article dealt specifically with dreams and their process; the gist of it stated every morning after a solid night of dreams you should arise and immediately write down the events that occurred. “Hmmm a reporter for your dreams, now there is a job I could handle with ease! The interviews would be tough, for I can be a defensive prick, but I would never let up on myself eventually catching myself with a misspoken word or phrase leading to my cutting edge personality ending up on TMZ!”  In time you will either become enlightened or befuddled, contemplating a good stiff drink (even if you are not the drinking kind). 

A cup of coffee, the morning news and yet I am left wondering about last night’s slumber filled adventures. What do they mean?? What purpose did these dreams serve and why was my subconscious mired in mystery? Dreams were so much simpler when I was younger!

Then like a brick to the side of the head, a thunderbolt across the bow, Edison’s first look into an invention called the light bulb it comes to me.  No Dr. Freud inspired answer, no years of studying psychology in college; I haven’t read a few books at Borders in regards to the human brain, converting me into an armchair hack, nope just a good old-fashioned Ah Ha moment in the making!

We dream in decades…  I know crazy huh!  Think about it though, we dream in decades! My dreams revolve around an approximate ten-year cycle! A certified block of time short of or equal to the amount of storage space left in this super computer known as a brain!

Our brains works like this…

The Frontal lobe handles planning, reasoning, delving into the emotional aspects of my day; minute by minute, then the Parietal lobe moving, orienting, recognizing and stimulating my every thought! The Occipital spends every second of my being visually processing what is happening then leaving the Temporal Lobe to perceive and recognize sounds, memory and speech!   

The brain can only store so much information, so much emotion; the stresses alone should leave your brain requesting a donor! So it only makes sense that when the brain is resting, it’s dying to have a little fun at your expense! A little ME TIME as it where! Helping purge itself of all these crazy thoughts, dreams aspirations, emotions, desires and dreads that flow daily through your waking hours!  Using its abilities for evil, filling your dreams with unattainable goals (Wendy Peffercorn), aspirations (Steve Austin) and disappointments! I still don’t understand why I am not President of the United States!

While delving back into time at decades past it all makes perfect sense! While in my 1-10 phase of life my little brain lived for the simpler things.  When laying my weary little head down to sleep with blankie, I was filling my brain with thoughts of new bicycles, model cars, skateboards, G.I. Joes and Atari game systems!  Nightmares revolved around falling from unknown heights, being chased by dark scary men across deserts, jungles and inner cities!  The scary evil monkey who lived in my closet for the love of God!

10-20 my dreams were filled with cars, tractors, scary U.F.O’s, girls, (U.F.O.’s and girls were equally scary) climbing the highest mountains and awaking naked in a classroom filled with the most popular people in school! (Come on who hasn’t dreamt about being naked in class? You’re a liar if you deny it!).  There was lots of fighting in my dreams back then, nothing was more befuddling than arising to find my room thrashed, sheets soaked in sweat and feeling as though I went three rounds with Rocky Balboa! Yo Adrienne!!

20-30 Endless nights filled with dreams about wealth, expensive cars, drugs, and dying! (It was the eighties after all, could have been a little Magnum PI/Miami Vice thing going on or the constant watching of the period classic “The secret of my success”).  Of course my sleep during this decade was relegated to where and when as working multiple jobs at once early on then moving to a dairy where there are no days off led to round the clock efforts!  Once I started driving truck it only got worse and my dream cycle latched onto the whole dying theme! Usually a grotesque mangled death inside my truck! Yuck! What kind cruel trick is that for my mind to play upon myself!  Sick bastard!!

30-40’s my dreams changed as did life! My income was finally stable, everything revolved around the growth and safety of my children! Slowly evolving, changing me into Marlin the clown fish from Finding Nemo!

No little ones you can’t swim out past the reef it’s too dangerous! You just aren’t ready!!!!

Ahh dad, who cares if I have one little fin instead of two I can do it!

Yeah the kids pretty much hated me during this period! 

Now at 46 I fear being alone; my children are growing so fast and Marlin is slowly releasing his grip around the neck of adventure, allowing the children to explore, challenge themselves, unhampered even by their fathers’ best efforts!

So what does my 50-60’s have in store for my personal dream factory? Will I wake up rubbing my eyes and start pacing in circles screaming “MAKE IT GO AWAY, MAKE IT GO AWAY”!  Or will I be an oasis of relaxation where my brain quietly goes to recharge every night with me awakening next to my lovely bride, smile on my Charlie Brown Face and no fear of the unknown. The darkness that lurks deep inside gone forever!

Now that would not =Suck!

 

License to drive…

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Mirrors adjusted? Check! Seat is in the proper position? Check! Steering wheel is placed at the optimal level for a 10 and 2 hand hold? Check! Are you mentally ready to drive today son? To which a death glare is leveled upon my kindly old man face.

And so goes the dilemma a father faces while teaching his 16-year-old to drive. His son frigidly sits behind the wheel; grip tighter than a vise, knuckles Casper white as the truck moves slowly out of the driveway onto our mile long dirt road.  Plenty of room here to screw things up before he merges with the masses of Dario Franchitti’s/ Dale Earnhardt’s vying for position on Americas roadways! 

Now all of this is supposed to be a monumental moment; a point in family history where a father enjoys sharing his knowledge of the road and joy of driving with his son/daughter. Yet all I feel is fear! Now over my storied employment history there have been numerous adults who learned to drive the behemoth 18 wheelers that dot our highway landscape from your truly! Never once did I trickle even the smallest droplet of sweat! I could firmly place my cup of coffee on the dashboard and nary a drop would spill from the styrofoam chalice. Yet with the family prodigy I am as nervous as a death row inmate waiting for a pardoning phone call. 

Maybe my nerves would wear a little softer if my son showed some “drive” (nice play on words huh?) when it comes to this enormous responsibility. But he is so lackadaisical about the whole process it leaves me screaming ugly profanities inside my head! Why? Why is so indifferent? Why does he not seem to care about the outcome? He doesn’t come across as self entitled. He says he truly wants to learn the finer art of motoring. Yet getting him into gear (another fine motoring reference) has been sticky to say the least!

When I was a kid (flashback moment-didiloo,didiloo,didilooooo) life was like this;

Hi everyone my name is little Betty! I am only 13 years old and I love cars! I have models of cars that I built scattered all over my room, wanna see? The Chevelle and 1957 Bel-Air are my favorite cars but I would drive a Chevy truck with a 454, nice wheels, tires, painted blue with ghost flames! Yes sir by golly that is the truck for me! I clean horse stalls and do all sorts of chores saving money up so that one day I can get my license, purchase my truck and drive where ever and whenever I want! Only 23 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 16 hours and 12 minutes until I get my license! I like to sit in my dads old GMC and pretend I am driving all over town! Every day after school and on the weekends if you want to find me, that’s right where I’ll be! Ahhhh Shucks, I can’t wait to drive!!!

Flash forward-(didiloo, didiloo, didiloooooo)

It’s taking so long to turn 16! Being 15 is a giant pain in the butt! Do you know when I turn 16 I will own the coolest truck in town and be dating girls left and right! Summer is gonna blow if I don’t get my license! Man, cruising around in moms station wagon with my permit is a giant drag! But I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Shhhh come in a little closer so no one else can hear; when my parents are gone I steal the old man’s GMC and cruise all over town! I know cool huh! Yeah its ugly but seriously who cares and who needs to be 16, when you have an all access pass to party time with no license needed! Turn up the tunes, pick up the friends and whoop, whoop, just cruise! As long as I am home before 8, because you know that’s when my parents get back from their Monday night association meeting and my dad would kill me if he found out! Oh yeah, I am soooo cool!

Flash forward a little more (didiloo, didiloo di-oh you get the point)

Yes! I have my license! I have a truck! I have freedom! Life is great! So long suckers, I’m hitting the road, places I need to see, things I need to do and they don’t involve this place! Van Hagar playing loud, windows rolled down so all you “walkers” can partake in some choice music as I roll on by! Owning a car is fantastic! If you have the means I highly recommend it!!

Present day:

I get nothing from the lad! No enthusiasm for driving, cars or trucks, nothing, nothing at all.  Where have I gone wrong? Is this even my child? Spinning donuts in the parking lot, drag racing out on Fry road, cruising downtown Petaluma on a Saturday night with hundreds of other cool cars and trucks! Loud music, screaming, laughing and having a general good time! Isn’t that enough to entice a young lad to give it a go; to want his license more than anything on this God forsaken planet?

What is that you say? Cruising has been deemed against the law? Hanging out with your friends is considered loitering? A custom car with loud pipes and a cool stereo is now disturbing the peace? To even think of working on your own car you need to aquire a Bachelor’s Degree in Mechanics. On top of that insurance and gasoline are five times the price they were when I was a kid?

Well hell, it all makes perfect sense now! What incentive does the lad have? Why would he want to drive at all?  Why would he even care? Apparently there is a reason they are called the “good old days”.  Because it was good and now we are old which leaves the youth of today nothing but boring days ahead!

So out of the driveway we go, his hands in the perfect 10 and 2 position, the stereo is on, air conditioner set and he is piloting this barge very well down the road.  I resist the urge to browse Facebook as we roll through the countryside. I am trying to build his self-confidence by acting like I fully trust him while I am slyly paying attention to every little detail of his driving manners.  It still ends up being a moment I will cherish forever.  We drive many miles over several days with small corrections here and there, then finally giving him the freedom to drive comfortably without repercussion he relaxes and settles back into the seat.  Another driver on the road, another human reaching the pinnacle of freedom for their age; He may be ready to take the final test securing his permanent license. It might be time for the sensei to release his student out into the world. We pull the truck over and with a sincere smile along with the adoring eyes of his father I lean in and tell him what a good job he is doing, he slowly looks over with a half cocked smile and says thanks. Still no real excitement on his part…

Maybe we should just scrap the whole idea and find him some public transit?