Category: married life

Goodbye Stanford

theycallmebetty24 Comments

2015 has come and gone.

Quite frankly it can kiss my ass.

If the first day of 2016 is any indication of things to come, then we are headed down the right path for change.

At approximately 4:21 in the afternoon of December 31st 2015, my wife Jacy Franceschi walking under her own power stepped out of Stanford Hospitals E1 BMT wing a mere 30 hours after 2015 gave its final shot to our family with the loss of my father.

jacy leaving

Take that 2015! That’s right suck on that! You can go to hell you rotten shitty damn year! You tried your best to take everything away from me, you tried your best to destroy our family! 2013 and 14 really had me weak and on the ropes but neither of you got us and you 2015, well you failed to finish the job! Oh you did your best to bring us down, but I’m not that easy and in the end it wasn’t even me that gave you the last middle finger for you see 2015, my wife was much tougher than us both!

Watching her smile as Heather our nurse disconnected the final IV line from her arm, seeing the light in her eyes grow brighter as each second grew closer to discharge. Packing all her belongings up, which after 6 months was an entire car load and then some. It was an amazing experience.

heather

At 4:15 she put on her HEPA filtered mask, walked to the door of her room, looked around it one last time, took a deep breath and opened her door to freedom. Walking down the hallway she was greeted by the entire working staff. Applauding and cheering with homemade signs congratulating her it was more than she could take. Tears streamed down everyone’s eyes, hugs were had and the pure love from every person who ever made contact with my wife was more than evident.

To say we felt like family while housed in this unit is an understatement. Each person there is special. To be a nurse, nurse’s aide or doctor in that unit is to be a remarkable human being. Every day I walked through those doors to see my wife I felt at ease. Never in the entire 6 months, even when things were rocky did I feel as though I really had to worry. When Jacy was transferred to Intensive care these people fought to get her back where she belonged. There was never a moment where her needs were not met and as is my wife’s personality she made sure every single person within E1 who crossed her path knew just how much she appreciated them.

As we made our way out the door, Jacy cried. I am sure she was crying to finally be free, but I also know she was crying because she was leaving so many special people behind. It is what everyone wanted for her but there is an intimacy that comes from creating bonds with your caregivers and every now and again those bonds become stronger than just the patient caregiver relationship. If you are lucky that happens with one or two, but if you are really lucky it becomes the whole damn staff!

I cannot express adequately just how thankful I am to the entire staff at E1. I tried my best to hug each and every one who was there before we left. To everyone I hugged and to everyone I missed, I love you, you helped save my girl, you always treated myself and my children as though we were your family and for that I am forever grateful.

I never want to see you again!

Just kidding we are coming by to visit!

Jacy got into the car took a deep breath and as we drove away, she sat quietly. Parker asked her if it was weird sitting in a moving car after being in a hospital for so long and she said yes. The 30 minute ride to her dads was silent. I could tell she was taking it all in, and trying her best to not be nauseous.

leaving stanford

We arrived at her dads and were met with hugs and happiness. Moving her belongings into the apartment it became official. We were finally on to stage two.

Her dad had completely repainted and redone the apartment just for Jacy. It is vibrant, comfortable and Jacy loves it! We spent the better part of the afternoon putting away her things and sorting her 23 medications that need to be taken three times a day. Uggh! Makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it! Within a few hours, people dwindled away, Jacy and I were alone for the first time in forever. We talked about the future, upcoming appointments and what it will take to care for her. She finally got a shower with no nurse, no lines, no hospital towels, and a nice soft warm bed to climb into afterwards. She was exhausted and ecstatic all at the same time.

Jacy Franceschi, my wife, my hero, the woman I love and adore, welcomed the New Year in by drifting off to sleep…..

Just the way it should have been….

2016 will bring some major new challenges to our family, but as it arrives and we travel through its first month I want each and every person who follows my blog, has helped my family or has been there for me to actually cry upon to know.

I do love you all and I don’t use that word lightly.

Whether it has been a kind word, uplifting passage, or deed done, I thank you. You are all part of my family. We couldn’t have done this without all of your support. We still have a long road ahead but it feels a little less bumpy and the directions a little easier to follow.

Here is to a happy and blessed 2016.

jacys hand

 

I am not the Grinch!

theycallmebetty4 Comments

This morning while drinking a cup of coffee I stared at our Christmas tree. It is a fine tree, six feet tall, adorned in ornaments collected over the last thirty years. A gorgeous shroud neatly placed around its base (thanks to my daughter) and presents arranged by size to give it that proper appearance. By all collective purposes the perfect holiday tree. But as you know, something has been missing.

The Christmas spirit resides within us all. It is not just expected motions or deeds, it is a humbling of one self, to give without expectations, to seek no reward other than a feeling of self-worth associated with being a little more tolerant of everyone and everything. To look upon your neighbor and say; Merry Christmas! Thankful for all that resides within your life.

My Christmas spirit has been like that funny noise in your car. You hear it constantly, it’s there, but when you take it to a mechanic for repair, it just won’t make any noise and you look a tad bit crazy trying to explain what it sounds like! Yep, I’ve had Christmas spirit I think? But mostly only when I am alone, for the second I am surrounded by people, I begin feeling a little bah humbug and no noise is to be found.

I have tried everything to make it happen! Purchased some egg nog, drank it cold, drank it hot, drank it with a little brandy and got a headache! Hmm is that my heart growing three sizes to small? Went Christmas shopping, didn’t buy anything and grew irritated with the continual rudeness of those around me! Yep feeling a little green poking through my skin. Helping the kids with our Christmas tree, felt giddy throwing the lower branches in the fire and watching them sizzle! GRRRR!!! Grew tired of our Christmas music, took some ibuprophen and drank tea while all three children argued over ornament placement which brought a strange smirk to my face!

What did it all mean? I wasn’t sure, thought maybe it was just a funk from Jacy being gone so long, but then it hit me! We were all lounging around watching How the Grinch stole Christmas and I found myself laughing and secretly high fiving the Grinch’s actions!!! Holy cow! Have I become the Grinch? Is my Christmas spirit gone for good? Am I going to turn green? Nervous with this enlightened moment, I almost had myself talked off this crazy train until Jack waddled in and jumped in my lap chewing on an ornament!!! AHHHHHHHHH! He looks like the Grinches dog! I am doomed!!!!

Replaying many actions over the last few days in my head trying to justify this new found failure the picture became clearer.

Have not moved to Mount Crumpit! Plus!

Trying hard not to live a solitary life. Plus!

My dog Jack, unlike Max is loved and loyal as opposed to unloved and loyal. Big Plus!

I have never thrown All the presents into the abyss! Hmm ok, I am allowed one, right?

And no one named Cindy Lou is pestering me with syrupy sweet kindness, although Jessica is trying her hardest! Plus!

Phew, its official, my heart is not three sizes two small!

Yay!!! I am not becoming the Grinch! So with that revelation let me put on my Santa suit, pat little children on the head while Jack and I load up the sleigh and then hand out the best Christmas present ever!

Jacy is on track to be released to outpatient status! We don’t have an official date yet, but so far it could be as soon as the first week of January barring any unforeseen complications!! Within the last week, she has upped her diet and is eating solid foods! She is motoring around the quad without much assistance, she no longer has a catheter and her bladder has chosen to bleed considerably less! She is getting stronger by the day! It is as though a switch has been thrown and her body is now trying it’s hardest to work! There is still some lung issues we are dealing with but they are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things!

So keep your fingers crossed everybody! Hopefully she will be at her dads within two weeks and we will finally begin phase two of this ordeal! Then if all goes right she will be home by possibly March? Who knows!

Strangly I feel my heart is growing three sizes to large!!

Merry Christmas everyone! May you be surrounded by those you love, may you send love and prayers to those who cannot be with you and may the Christmas spirit always reside within you.

The_Grinch_(That_Stole_Christmas)

 

 

So I sat in a barn..

theycallmebetty12 Comments

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Yesterday after cleaning house, shuttling children, and spending the better part of an afternoon fixing my tractor (something I hadn’t planned on) a feeling of failure for accomplishing none of my daily goals swept over me yet again. Frustrated and tired, I fight a daily battle of just giving up. Wanting more than anything to walk into the house, climb into bed and pray that maybe I’ll just sleep until this is all over. Lucky for me my will is stronger than my lazy ass, feel sorry for myself attitude so I did something I haven’t been able to do in a while.

I walked into the barn and just sat down.

Now for some there could be no understanding of just how important that moment was for me. You see with life running at a hundred miles an hour there is one thing that has been cast aside day after damn day. My horses.

Jake is doing a good job. He is riding them when it’s not raining, making sure stalls are cleaned and they are fed in the morning. One of our borders Ms. Lisa takes care of them all in the afternoon, spreading the very same love and care I would lay upon them if I were here myself. But I am not and that is my mental meltdown.

Mornings of days past haunt me like an elderly hunting dog who can no longer hunt yearning for one more chance. Feeding, walking, riding, cleaning stalls then heading over to another ranch where the rest of my morning and early afternoon are filled with more horses to ride/train and of course working cows. To enter a show ring, scared to death and no matter the score when it’s over ride out having learned something new. A dream constantly plaguing me, that one day I will ride into Fort Worth on a good sound horse, under the lights with fresh cows. It’s all there, teasing me, feeling father and farther out of reach.

So what does sitting down in the barn have to do with anything?

It is where it all begins. We move so fast every day we forget about our dreams, putting them aside as life throws roadblock after roadblock in our path. Every second centered on the next dollar, the next moment with our children, appointments, sports and well LIFE. Our priorities and supposed priorities.

So instead I chose to stop and sit in my mares stalls. Cassie is my rock, she is a special horse for me. Most stories about people and horses for some odd reason revolve around little girls. I am sure it has to do with ponies, then unicorns, oh wait, pink unicorns and of course countless books written about a girl and her horse! Yet I have seen more than my fair share of grown, tough, grizzled men shed a tear over the loss of their riding partner, their friend. The same dynamics apply for us boys/men as do the girls/women, these animals we’ve spent countless hours riding, training, growing to know and understand become a part of you. As a boy you are John Wayne or the Lone Ranger, Quigley down under or the Man from Snowy River! As a man they are your roping partner, cattle mover or cutting friend. They become a sounding board for your day, they listen to your frustrations without arguing back and keep you in check when your emotions filter into the riding experience. These four legged beasts continually teach us every single time we are around them, whether its patience, empathy, kindness, sharing, determination or love. It’s all there every time they are around, and if they get sick of your attitude because you are the one not listening to them, well you just may find yourself looking up from the ground as a muzzle is looking down upon you. If we are smart, we slow down, take measure of ourselves and reward them for all they have given to us.

Sitting in Cassie’s pen, she snorts at me, walks a few circles as if to ask what the hell I am doing there in her space. Then realizing there was much more on my mind than just occupying her space, she walks over, tips her ears forward and slowly leans up next to me. Once my hands are upon her neck her head drops and she leans a little more. For the next 30 minutes she listened as I apologized for having not been around. She is a funny horse, if she knows you she will talk back, little grumbles here and there but for me it’s like sharing a cup of coffee with an old friend.

I looked around the barn, not at the barn, but actually looked around it feeling disconnected. I think I needed to feel that moment to help me reconnect and reaffirm that although this journey has been a very long two years, in the grand scheme of things it is only a blip in time. Leaving Cassie’s stall she whinnies at me as if to say; hey dad, don’t go! I gave her some fresh hay and moved on, heading over to my daily rider, my amigo Mr. Tank. Checking in with him was much the same, except this old boy is still a proud stud, therefore he doesn’t have much to say unless you are a mare. Then, well he is the Barry White of the barn. Walking around I checked on the other 15 horses in our barn, said hello to each one with a little pet/scratch time in between and by the time I was done, my world was a bit more centered.

I am blessed for all that I have. A great family, good kids, a wonderful place to call home and barn full of some of the coolest animals on earth. Tomorrow is another day, so we will keep trying.

Jacy is still fighting hard. As I have said before we are in for a long tough battle. We were lucky enough to participate in an E-wing Christmas party the other day and it really brought some wonderful Christmas spirit to those who attended. Christmas Carrols, hot coffee and cookies, plus handmade stuffed animals for everyone! I never tire at the caring that comes from each and every staff member in this wing. In a place where it would be easy to only see the negative there is nothing but positive all around! It is never a place one would dread to be, and I am speaking from the patient/family member side of things. I can only image how it must feel to work there, they are all truly special people.

Jacys bladder continues to bleed, we are still hoping for a miracle but know this invasive procedure is right around the corner and as Ms. Jacy says; if it gets me outta here well then so be it! Her diet has been increased again and as of yesterday I watched her eat a turkey burger!!!! It was awful and she could only stomach half of it, but what an incredible step towards walking out! She almost has a full covering of hair upon her head and she is walking a little more each day! Her lungs are still giving her trouble but the breathing treatments she receives twice a day seem to help. What an amazing fighter my wife is, she inspires me everyday.

So hopefully we continue gaining ground, nothing would make our family and of Ms. Jacy happier than seeing her at her dads sometime in January! Please keep us in your prayers.

Christmas is coming, be thankful for all you have for it is not a gift that makes your life wonderful it is the gift of life that makes it all worth living.

 

 

Thankful

theycallmebetty1 Comment

 glad that something has happened or not happened, that something or someone exists, etc.

: of, relating to, or expressing thanks

As people are winding down their 26 days of being thankful prior to Thanksgiving, I ponder. Sentiments aside, these one, often two line quips of gratitude at times feel forced. You know as in; I better come up with something, I have 18 days to go and I wouldn’t want my friends to think I am a thankless idiot! While other lines of recognition feel genuine and heartfelt, leaving one to pause and reflect, often times a nod of approval comes forth as we connect through their honesty.

I decided in late October this was my year to compete in this annual tradition. 26 days should be simple enough, Lord knows there is plenty for me to be thankful for! Being one who thrives on a challenge it appeared as though I would have no trouble. A comfortable location was established, pen and paper solidly in hand when it occurred to me (quite arrogantly I might add) writing down my overwhelming gratitude in one bold sitting would be of no consequence! Just a man, his love for everyone, gratefulness for prayers answered and the watchful eye of an entire community! It would be as my son would say; easy, peasy….

After 30 minutes I found myself with head firmly placed in hands, everything I wrote sounded trite, as if I was pandering, pleading for recognition in my sincerity, my “thankfulness”. Verbs, adjectives nouns and pronouns all clashing together like a 60 car pileup on Interstate 80 in dense fog! Of course the metaphor being fog, as in the soupy, dense thought process consuming my brain! Writing then scribbling, scratching then tossing it all aside! Sitting at my desk going through page after page of printer paper was incredibly frustrating! Of course even more frustrating was the moment I realized; I WAS SITTING AT MY FREAKING DESK! WHY IN THE WORLD WASN’T I ON THE COMPUTER USING WORD!!!

Phew sorry I had to take a break and return my heart to a reasonable rate. 

26 days of being thankful may as well been 2600 days describing the taste of peanut butter! I was stuck and stuck good.. Then like the sun rising in the east, it dawned upon me. I am thankful everyday even when at times I may not show it. So if I were too, let’s say, write down my feelings in regards to being thankful, maybe and this is a big maybe now, maybe I could try expressing myself in one single written act of thankfulness? No little one/two liners or single paragraphs although there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just isn’t my style. One written piece that says it all by getting to the root of my thankfulness, no extra explanation, no need to wonder where I am going with it and no publicly being thankful my cat still uses a litter box! (That was day eight on a friend’s page) Although that is a giant plus! Really!

Better late than never! With one day left to go Im diving in head first! Wish me luck!

14 years ago a woman entered my life, she brought with her light. For you see at the time my life was somewhere lost inside a dark tunnel. I was alone, trapped inside myself, cold and filled with hate. Life was not what I had expected, or even planned and I wondered how I would ever be able to share the joys of life with others when there was no joy in mine. For many years prior my personality was a fabrication, a way to hide my insecurities, my short comings. The person I had become over the years I didn’t particularly care for and in reality if I had met myself in an alley somewhere I would have probably kicked my own ass. I yearned for a way out of who I was and what I had become, but did not know how. Stubborn, jaded and incapable of recognizing it was not the world who had a problem with me, but me who had a problem with myself. It was tough to even look at myself in the mirror each morning and I usually hated the upcoming day.

The light walked through my door and she knew, she knew that very minute I was trouble yet there was something more. She knew despite fighting every urge she had to run that this was where she needed to be! She braved the loss of friends and family because in her heart and soul, even though it was confusing and it hurt, this was where God needed her most.

It was a tough decision to love me. She could have done much better, she could have had a better life financially, and she could have found someone with the same values and views right off the bat, but she listened to that voice that said to trust in him. She listened even though at times it frightened her to do so. Sometimes the whole thing was just too much and she would run home for a week or two. After careful reflection she would return, renewed ready to follow this path.

I was no easy catch or treasured prize! In the beginning it was hard, very hard. My angry, one sided, opinionated views were difficult to take, but she took them. She would fight back, never relenting until the hardened crust around me began to break. Even during some of the toughest times she would say, I am never leaving you, never giving up, I know who you are James and I know this will all be ok. I love you.

In the end she was almost always right, I didn’t have to like her methods, but knowing she loved me somehow made it easier to accept my faults. Having her smile at me, give me a hug then let me rest my weary head on her shoulder after a day or two of kicking the ugly side of me to the curb left me feeling protected, needed. She had become the light, carefully leading me from the dark tunnel that was my personality and my life.

For 14 years she has stayed by my side, we have built a life like no other. We have four children who have also benefitted from her stubborn way of doing things, her take no prisoners attitude. One of our children is a solid man ready for the world and three others are following suit faster than I care for! She is the center of our family, the nucleus; from our ranch to the animals that inhabit it, there is a piece of her everywhere you look. She is the best of friends to many, a teacher who loves her students as if they were her own children, a hand that reaches out for you when no one else will with honesty, generosity and love. She loves her town, her church and all of her church family. She has shown our family how life is sweeter when you give of yourself and that receiving Gods love is so very important. She believes everyone and everything deserves a second chance. I used to get upset when she was mad and I never really knew why. Everyone deserves to be mad at some point, I mean no life is so perfect that you are happy all the time. But when she smiles, when she laughs, when she looks at you with that relaxed caring look, you realize you hate to see her upset or mad because it is wasted emotions in regards to who she really is, to what she really provides! To see her inner light as it shines over all who reside within her love.

I really don’t know what I would do without her, she taught me how to accept myself. I still struggle daily with old emotions and it’s hard to not have her here on a daily basis. But inside, when I get frustrated or mad, or feel the “old James” fighting to emerge because it’s the easy way out, I think about the strength of her love. Today when she hits rock bottom with treatment or ongoing issues with her body she looks at me, knows just how much I love her; knows how thankful I am and I’d like to believe it drives her forward. She has given me the strength to be loved and to whole heartedly give that love right back. To shine.

So what am I thankful for this year? Well unfortunately it’s not going to take me 26 days to explain it. (And remember there is nothing wrong with that)

It only takes one sentence.

This year I am thankful the light in my life is still able to shine.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in my life, I love you all…

 

thanksgiving-gratitude

 

What a difference a day makes

theycallmebetty2 Comments

What a difference a day makes

Twenty four little hours

Brought the sun and the flowers

Where there used to be rain

~Stanley Adams-Maria Mendez Grever~

 

Yeah it’s a tad corny I know but you see yesterday Jacy and I had a meeting with her doctor. Now for the last 48 hours work has been my home. Any information received was met with fret as no alternative exists for me in regards to any form of action. In reality there is no “action” to provide for as hard as it is to abide, my wife’s wishes remain the same. Take care of children, ranch, work and you before coming to sit by my side. Being a good husband I try my hardest to fulfill her requests.

I digress… The last 48 was met with daily updates in regards to a nasty gastrointestinal bleed (yes the very same one we have been discussing for the last 7 days) which has grown considerably in volume since the last time we prayed for it to stop. Within the last two weeks another conversation has repeatedly taken place in regards to Jacys care should this bleed become unmanageable in combination with several other issues that keep rearing their ugly head! Not a very comfortable conversation to have.

Now back to the GI bleed. It just would not slow down! Her volume increased, several options were discussed and throughout the last 48 hours her intake of fresh blood and platelets expanded to a point where it became prudent for an offensive stance as opposed to continuing with the defensive wait and see position. Several phone calls were made, and I being trapped within the four walls of one second home (my fire station) began pacing the floor. Talk in regards to urgency of care, ICU and paperwork which appeared unclear to some being properly disseminated so there would be no doubt as to our wishes should this bleed progress with no option for repair.

Nuclear medicine was advised and late Wednesday evening she was shuttled down for a radionuclide scan. A very small portion of blood was drawn then mixed with radioactive isotopes. Once the two were “shaken not stirred” they were re-administered into her vascular system where a machine rapidly captured pictures using gamma rays emitting from her blood to track, trace and locate any bleeds. By 10pm no conclusive evidence had been found. Early Thursday morning after checking her numbers her doctor decided another round of photography was in order as her output was increasing. By noon we had our answer.

Arriving to Stanford at 1130 my mind was weary from 48 hours filled with negativity. You know the very demons I have written about prior, taking hold of common sense and reality, forcing you to dive into the deepest most negative places your mind can go. Yet, I did what I always do once my shoulders pass through those gigantic, elegant glass doors. I stood up straight, put on my best poker face, took a deep breath and walked through as if I hadn’t a care in the world! If only it were true.

I hadn’t been in the room long when Jacys doctor came in. Prepared for the worst, simply because that’s all I’d thought about for the last 48, plus after seeing how much better Jacy appeared I just knew her appearance couldn’t possibly be indicative to her reality. Doc greeted us both, sat down and proceeded to give us a general, sanitized run down of where we were in regards to status. You know, like that little teaser they print on the inside cover of a book that leaves you wanting to either buy it, mull it over or throw it as far as you can. Afterwards he took a deep breath, started talking quickly and confidently while throwing it all on the line. Something I truly admire about this man. Basically; Jacys body needs to start working! They located several bleeds in a section of small intestine and though many options had been tossed around from surgery (although there was some confusion as to where that little rumor started) to an endoscopy procedure where they would cauterize or put a spring style blocker in to slow and stop the bleeding, to continuing the current course which would be platelets and more blood.

This doctor is a fan of giving things a chance. He circumvented a solid push to have Jacys bladder treated with chemicals to stop it from bleeding. These chemicals would have left her incontinent. Why did he do this? He felt even though her bleeding bladder had gone on for much longer than need be, there were other pressing issues and he just wanted to give her body a chance! Result? Clear urine for the last two days! What, what!!!!

Now with many pushing for the invasive endoscopy procedure he stood his ground once again prefacing with: I will do whatever your primary doctor wishes, but you are my patient this month and I am going to fight to give your body a chance! All we need is blood, and we are the largest user of blood anywhere, believe me there is plenty on hand!

When asked how Jacy felt about this she stated that since yesterday the amount of blood coming out feels as though it has slowed down. Her nurse confirmed this to be true, in fact 1/3 as much fluid had been collected during the same previous period of time! To that we all smiled, he (her doctor) smiled the biggest and proceeded to cover some finer aspects of his plan to which we all happily agreed! So we proceed, more blood, more platelets, more waiting and more prayers! I believe not only is she in good hands with her doctor this month, but that something else might just have something to do with it!

What a difference a day makes? Yes this catchy little song popped into my head. I am a sucker for old music and this hypnotic little 1959 tune just naturally stuck. As her doc walked out the door he patted me on the shoulder as if to say; I got this, quit worrying, and relax for a while. After speaking with him, feeling the confidence he exudes in combination with his very straight forward and at times humble explanations what else could I do?

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Sunday

theycallmebetty12 Comments

Sunday

 

We gathered around as “wine” was passed about along with bread torn away from its crusty fibrous center. It was Sunday and as with any Sunday there are only a couple of places where a majority of civilization spends its time. Church, Football, Baseball, Soccer, NASCAR, a child’s sporting event or surrounded by family and friends. Yes I know there are those who work on Sundays as well but it’s not my fault we have allowed our society to create this thriving need. Plus that is a topic for whole different rant.

We were lucky enough to have nailed two of those listed. As the entire Franceschi family came into Stanford to visit their mother, Ms. Jacy, we were greeted by a much welcome visit from the Pastor of our church. It had been awhile since we were able to go to church and with Jacy being at Stanford for 5 months now Pastor Cathy was a welcome sight indeed! Saying our hello’s we laughed, hugged and welcomed her into Jacys little room in E wing. After some conversation it seemed like no better time to get a little serious and read a few psalms, rejoice in each other’s glorious presence and take communion. It was Sunday after all. So the “wine” was passed, the bread was torn (Parker exchanged his piece for a bigger one, Hmm gluttony?) and quietly, spiritually we took communion. After saying the Lord’s Prayer I was filled with so much inner joy, my heart felt overwhelmingly full.

Jacy and Parker

It is hard getting all the children to Stanford at the same time. Cody has a job, Jake runs like his dad in three directions at once so Parker and Jess are always the easiest to corral for a little mother child visitation. On this Sunday though everything fell into place. Cody was ready to go the second he arrived home from work and the other three quickly followed suit. Our afternoon was filled with talk about Christmas lists for the kids, discussions about grades and the condition of all our much cared for animals. Jacy is longing for home, it is in her eyes; she misses every little thing about the Blue Sky Ranch from riding horses to weeding, from cleaning up hay in the barn to playing with her dogs but most of all she misses cleaning stalls. Good hard work, where the only reward she receives is watching a horse stroll in, sniff the fresh shavings and flop on their side for a good roll! Job well done.

Cody and Jake went for a walk about the Stanford campus while the four of us watched a movie together. Pastor Cathy was still fresh in my mind, so my quiet voice was whispering a little prayer to God. A prayer of peace and thanksgiving for this very moment my eyes were a party too. Seeing Parker curled up in his mommas lap while watching the movie; I knew in my heart it was just what Jacy needed. A peaceful respite from being poked, prodded, tested and manipulated by strangers. Just a mother surrounded by her children with the littlest one in her lap. Nothing could be more heavenly.

Upon returning an hour and half later the boys regaled us with tales of exploration across the massive Stanford campus. The place was more than they expected and Cody even quipped; why didn’t you take me here when I was looking into colleges? Yep he thought Stanford was pretty cool and I would have to agree. Of course I also couldn’t let him dream to big without reminding him of the annual tuition to attend such a revered university. (Roughly $64,000.00) Of course his retort was sharp and to the point. Uh scholarships??? I cannot tell a lie, for a moment I pondered my son attending Stanford and it made me a bit giddy! But then really it becomes about me being able to walk around stating “my son attends Stanford” and well that just sounds pompous.

A few more laughs were had at Jakes expense which is pretty normal in our family and then it was time to go. The kids all said their goodbyes, kissed their momma, stripped off their gowns and headed to the family room. Jacy decided she wanted to go for a walk while I was there and we made two laps around the quad before she became too exhausted to continue. One more goodbye was had by all the children and I slowly escorted her back into her room.

Saying goodbye is always the hardest part. It just feels so wrong to leave this woman who I adore alone in a room without me there to take care of her. But we do it time and again. It is always a long drive home for me. My brain never shuts off, I feel like I am abandoning her and it tears up my insides. Sunday was no different, with the exception that I actually smiled most of the way home knowing we had not just a good day together as a family, but a great day filled with love, God and all the trappings (short of a home cooked meal) a Sunday should bring.

For moment in a very long time; life was good….

Jacy and family

 

What????

theycallmebetty6 Comments

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Never in my life have I seen anything like this and trust me I have seen some crazy ass shit! Last night I came home from the hospital, distraught, worn out, fearing for my family, my wife and myself, for you see the thought of losing the very center of our lives, my wife, their mom was overwhelming to say the least.

So I put out the call!

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, I believe in faith! Now faith is a funny thing, there are those who believe it ties directly to the bible, some believe it is a feeling or an attitude, while others believe it is a positive energy randomly floating throughout the universe! Either way my beliefs are not what matters here, what does matter is as long as I can remember having faith in something is what’s kept me alive and running. Without faith in myself, in God (yes I am one of those) and in the ability to keep an inner positive attitude no matter the situation without disturbing anyone else’s emotional process, I could not have survived these 49 years. Faith has proved me right more times than not and when faith let me down there was always something to be learned from that experience.

Prayer warriors

Wow! There is definitely something about prayer warriors that is mind blowing! Everyone I could ever imagine along with their friends and friends I don’t even know, joined the prayer warrior cause! Last night and this morning I was completely blown away by the amount of people saying prayers for my wife! Even the Atheists in my group were hoping for positive energy to encompass my wife’s being! To say I was humbled by it all is an understatement! I personally believe in the power of prayer, there is something to be said about a mass of people converging their beliefs and energy into one combined focus to accomplish a positive result.

It worked!

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it freaking worked!!!!! We went from end of days through the doctors own words to; hey there is a possibility you might make it out of this mess! That is huge!!! Thank you, thank you, and thank you!!! A huge thank you to every one of you who prayed, focused, thought or said a kind word while moving through their day. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, she is my world and to see how many people are in her corner is astounding!!!

So here is the gist of things!

Today her doctor came in to report the test results from yesterday’s exploratory investigation and it looks as if the bleeding has slowed down in her gastrointestinal tract. (YAY!) Her lungs continue to be an issue but they are not as concerned as it appears treatable. So after hearing the day before that her body needed to wake up and start working or else! We’ll that’s just what it did! The doctor then went on to talk about another patient who had similar issues to Jacy’s and after a year in the hospital walked out a free man! This man now runs marathons and lives a fairly normal life. Yes he is still plagued with GvHd issues but he is healthy, home and living life to the fullest!! Doc also explained that even though Jacy’s road is going to be rocky (paraphrasing) she has a shot at making it out of the damn hospital! Woo hoo! THAT IS ALL WE HAVE EVER ASKED FOR!!!!!

So to all you prayer warriors again I humbly say thank you!

I don’t care what you believe, there is definitely power in prayer, and positive thought! We owe it all to you guys! Everyone came together, praying as hard as they could and it worked! This morning I opened FB (Facebook) and was blown away by how many people took time to remember why they either liked or loved my wife! People were sharing positive memories of her and I must say, seeing some of you change your profile pictures to a memory or personal experience with my wife was so incredibly touching! Looking up from the screen it was raining, but only behind my glasses! I swear when this is all over I am throwing a huge BBQ, inviting everyone and I plan on kissing or hugging every person who has ever thought a kind thought or prayed for my wife! I spent last night dreading the worst and today I feel positive energy abounds!!! Jacy also feels as though a weight has been lifted from her shoulders, she is still scared of the unknown but there is hope and hope feels pretty darn good!

Keep them prayers coming people! Let’s harness all that positive energy and prove once and for all it just isn’t this woman’s time! She has plenty to do here still on earth and a husband who will stand right beside her!

Once again! Thank you all! I love you, Ill pray for you, and hopefully one day soon I will pay it forward!

The wedding crasher…

theycallmebetty8 Comments

Standing in the shadows of an open dimly lit arena. Sparkling white Christmas style lights strung through roofline trusses bring a serene glow to this event centered on two young people professing their love. They stand before family and peers, nervously speaking as to this union, this moment, hands twitching bodies touching for support, faces beaming as if they just won the lottery. Little do these two know they have and it will take some time before they fully understand exactly what they have won and the stakes involved.

My eyes dart back and forth, as through a microphone sounds of tears falling reverberate across this vast space. I am alone, the woman I married is not here; she lies in a hospital room far away. My heart aches. There is something about a wedding that always brings it in for me. Whenever Jacy and I attend a wedding we always hold hands, we always relive that moment 14 years ago when standing in front of family and friends we said; I do. Looking into her eyes, no matter what our lives hold outside this very moment we always know we made the right choice. The sacrifices were worth it and every day brings a new sunrise, a new reason, and another chance to fall in love all over again.

Everyone is so happy! The tables clumped into groups, families tied together reminiscing over old times while devouring food and drink. I came as a guest, a friend of the grooms’ family. I knew hardly anyone which was refreshing. It allowed me a rare chance to sit and watch unmolested. Smile at new love, chuckle at old love still trying, and witness youngsters sizing each other up from the sidelines. All I could think about was my girl and how lucky I was to have her in my life.

A few weeks ago a wonderful woman was explaining to me how my blog moved her. She could not believe one person could write about the troubles that have befallen our family. How easily I share feelings the way I do, professing my love so publicly. Sometimes when I finish writing a piece I too have a hard time understanding what has come from brain through my fingertips onto the screen. I think about the kid who hated school, who struggled with bad grades, who lived only to party and cause mayhem with his friends. I wonder about individuals who held no reservations in explaining to me on a regular basis that I would never amount to anything and what they would say now. Heck, I believed them for a very, very long time.

My writing comes from experiences, from love won, love lost and love taken away permanently. Writing was never easy for me, it was and still is hard! But over time I have found my voice, my muse, my, well my being. It is my release from the day to day tortures that haunt us. Everyone has them, they are in different and varying degree’s associated with all aspects of our lives! Without writing them down, releasing them from my cranial vault, they would in fact weigh me down to where I am certain I would not be able to rise too any occasion. The writings on my blog are a mere fraction of what is stored upon an electronic cloud.

As this woman spoke so kindly of me her husband jokingly replied: Thanks James for ruining it for the rest of us. Now I have known him for a long time and his pithy comment was intended for a good chuckle. I took it as such chuckling along but as the weeks went on, it crept into my psyche, slowly gnawing at me without remorse. It has been eating at me ever since, chewing my insides like a cancer and we all know how well versed I am on that topic as of late. How have I ruined anything for anyone? This is my story not yours; I am only sharing this journey in hopes it reaches and helps someone else, another husband, partner or longtime friend traveling down the very same road! How on Gods green earth am I ruining anything for anyone?

I mean, hey, I get it, this joking statement admonishing me for somehow pulling my “Man” card from the file of all men by showing how I really feel about the woman who swore to spend the rest of her life with me is somehow wrong! Let me reiterate, I know he didn’t mean it that way, it was purely said in jest! As idle conversation to be laughed at! It is my own brain churning that statement over and over again as if I should carry some form of guilt for sharing anything! But in the end it only proves I suppose that some words, even the simplest when spoken in jest, combined the right way can in fact hurt.

After sitting on this for a while I began to wonder, have we as men lost our ability to show how we feel or express our love for another? How many years after marriage are we supposed to quit saying I love you? At what point is our relationship just an existence? Do we simply just cohabitate, thriving off the inadequacies of our significant other, never recalling what it was like the first time we held hands or kissed. Forgotten are the hopes and dreams of a young couple in love? Our lives drug down by normalcy, children, financial responsibilities, the suffering of our friends with whom we bitch to about those we supposedly love?

Jacy and my relationship is far from perfect believe me. We have both spent more than our fair share of times upset with the other over both important and trivial matters. It would go on for a few minutes, a few hours and on rare occasions a few days! It is part of marriage! No couple is perfect! I am more scared of a couple that never fights than a couple who fights, forgives and loves. But one thing about Jacy and I remains through thick and thin. We both LOVE each other unconditionally.

We have learned over time that being in love means learning how to forgive. Sometimes even when you still think you are right. Why? Because when you look into each other’s eyes you should still see that glow, a glimmer in the corner that lets you know she loves you and the person you met all those years ago is still there waiting only for you. You should be able to answer without a doubt what it is she brings to your relationship and why you admire her for it! She should be able to respond instantaneously in the very same fashion.

Listen, if I am ruining things for everyone else, then so be it. I didn’t learn all of this the moment I was married. The person I was before my wife was someone who was angry and in pain. I trusted no one, and put walls up all around me, shoving those closest away. I was self destructive and brought a heavy toll to those who surrounded me and it has taken years of talking and listening to turn myself around.

When Jacy came into my life it was a revelation. I knew, she knew, we both couldn’t believe it. We both fought against it, but we knew. The day I married her my heart exploded with joy and in no time she took to loving me as no other had ever done. She loved me for who I was, what I was and because I was me. Since then I can without hesitation tell you that over our 14 years she has changed me from a arrogant, egocentric, self-centered man to the person I am today. ( I know, not much different right? Ha Ha) I truly disliked who I was before and without her pushing me when I didn’t want to be pushed, picking me up when I had fallen down, believing in me when I felt there was nothing left to give and showing me how to care for others. Without this woman, today I would be a miserable human being inside and out.

There is no way anyone will ever get me to feel sorry for being lucky enough to express my feelings. Jacy Franceschi is my wife, if you have ever met her then you know the instant joy she brings into your life. She is friendly, open and honest, she may say things you don’t want to hear, but they are better said than any wall or wedge being driven between two people over an inability to communicate. She will in fact give you the shirt off her back. Listen when you are down, help you to get back up and cheer you on when things are great. I have never known a person who can make friends instantly no matter where we are, and it is her smile that is her signature trademark!

What is happening to her is beyond unfair! For all she has done for so many it just isn’t fair! Not that God, or any other spiritual higher power you may believe in is keeping tabs on who deserves or doesn’t deserve to have cancer-Leukemia. But for me it doesn’t make sense. I am struggling with why this woman I love, who loves me in return should have to suffer this way. She once told me it was better that Leukemia happened to her than me, because she felt I had suffered enough in my life. That was a hard pill to swallow. But the reality is, I am still suffering, the loss of my wife for the last four months has been overwhelming to say the least! I miss her every day. Her smile, her kiss, her laugh, her down right goofiness at times. I miss watching her and Parker snuggle at night while reading, seeing her and Jake laughing over a goofy joke, I miss listening to her and Cody talk about dog training, I miss her and Jessica talking over the last softball game. I miss it all! It is my family and one person is missing leaving us very incomplete.

She is also the strongest woman I know. What she has gone through is beyond words. There is a reason I only post pictures of her from behind. Out of respect. What Leukemia and the resulting GvHD have taken away from her is more than many of us could ever handle. She is gaunt, without any fat or muscle left on her frail bones. She struggles to walk daily, cannot see most of the time and her skin is mottled red. Her hands shake and she is constantly coughing like a twenty year smoker. She needs assistance to shower, move or go to the bathroom. Yet every minute of every day she greets every person who walks in her room with a smile. She asks about their day, how they are feeling, wanting know who is dating who, who has a child on the way and shows she cares, that she is more than just a patient, she wants to be your friend. She says please and thank you without hesitation and cracks jokes to anyone who will listen. Each time the doctor talks to her about progress she believes it will be next week or the week after that she will go home. Jacy has surpassed many others who tried but haven’t made it this far and she has done it with style, class, determination and grit! She refuses to believe there is any other option but to go home. She is simply amazing, she is my hero and I love her.

Standing in the shadows of an arena, under some twinkling lights, watching two people in love start upon a journey towards an unknown future. A smile breaks across my face, for they haven’t a clue and neither do most. They know they love each other, they know they are now husband and wife and that is all that matters right now. Yet their marriage now becomes about what they don’t know, the future and that’s the way it should be, there is so much waiting ahead for them both. As they walk out of this arena tonight, I only pray they remember marriage is not a fairytale it is in fact hard work, but the payoff is worth every single struggle. I could say I wish we could go back to that day, knowing what we know now, but it wouldn’t change a thing. We still would have done all the things we have done, fought for each other’s love the way we have over the years and worked our hardest to become better human beings. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I said there is no way I will ever feel sorry for being lucky enough to express my feelings the way I do, and I don’t. I feel sorry those you don’t know how to express theirs. Don’t wait until it’s too late, because when it is, you cannot turn back the hands of time. Regret is an awful weight to bear.

Jacy I am coming for you honey, warm up those hands cause I plan on holding them for a really long time.

us

The fight..

theycallmebetty5 Comments

She smiles whenever I walk through the door. Warm and happy, clapping her hands together with joy. As men and women we secretly hope our spouses are this happy to see us all the time, youth and a certain naivety lead us to these false hopes. We (husband and wife) eventually learn life will continually get in the way of how our relationships are portrayed within our imaginations. We have also learned over time that children, work, sports, school, social gatherings and general daily survival slowly tear down the very fabric our relationships were built upon when it was just the two of us.

Juuussst the two of us, we can make it if we tryyyyyy, just the two of us. You and I…

Sorry couldn’t help myself but C’MON!! You heard it too when I wrote it!!! Don’t shake your head no! You know it and I know it, you  heard it! Anyways….

Then Leukemia happens. It scares us to death! Just the sound of it. Leukemia. Yep it carries as much weight if not more than simply saying Cancer. Now we throw in remission, survival and cancer free. Re-lapse, Bone Marrow transplant, GvHD, success and failure statistics and well the emotional roller coaster of life and death drive you closer together. You begin to realize all the times you took each other for granted while expecting your relationship to never change or evolve. But it had changed. It had changed a lot. Of course nothing like you see on television, where there were secrets and you no longer spoke to each other. You know? Soap opera like stuff. No you both had settled into your roles as partners in this game of life. One handling the children’s education and transportation, the other handling finances, overtime work and building a future out of our property. The both of you sharing house and ranch duties, parenting, cooking, cleaning, laundry while you both try your hardest to equally dole out duties and discipline to our four ever needy children. Yes life can truly get in the way erasing the simpler times when you waited all day to see each other, then dreaded the moment you had to leave.

Every day I am home I cannot wait until I see her again. We don’t head out on a romantic date, no carriage rides, fancy dinners or moments alone in the park. Two people sitting sometimes quietly while the other sleeps, holding hands waiting for the next nurse to come in, ruining that moment of normalcy. I have said before I believe holding hands is the simplest form of compassion. These days it feels as though the nurse has walked in to interrupt us doing something we shouldn’t be, like teenagers hiding out in the barn. Yet we are simply holding hands, it is all we have.

6-7-8 hours within those four walls disappear in flash! I hate leaving! I hate leaving my girl behind! Walking out to the car I have learned to transform my emotions, change my demeanor, and count my blessings. For the easy road would be to remain angry at someone, anyone for what has happened to my wife. The once vibrant, larger than life woman has melted away to around 115-120 pounds depending on her water weight that day. Where toned tan legs once powered her successfully through a mini triathlon, two long bones remain, not one muscle in sight. Where long, gorgeous, curly hair rained down over her shoulders, a bald head remains. Her gleaming eyes and gorgeous face trying to peer out from under swelling and drug induced exhaustion. An athletic, active woman who rode horses and ran the perimeter of our property now worries about getting out of bed and walking a little farther down the hall every day. But I turn that all off as the building disappears behind my shoulders to focus on the positives.

She has beaten the odds so far and is still alive.

Jacy still has fight, lots of fight! Which is why she continues beating the odds! This woman, this beast wants to participate in double PT every day no matter how exhausted! Some days it doesn’t happen but she still tries! She continually defies nurses’ orders by getting up on her own to use the bathroom even though it is against protocol. Sitting in her chair for hours, sometimes all day as opposed to just staying in bed, waiting for things to change. Eating even though she has no desire to eat, drinking plenty of water and nutrition drinks which taste yucky. Using large rubber workout bands when she does stay in bed, hoping any little extra helps her to get home that much faster! Yep she is still fighting, like the angry Cuban stuck inside her, she is fighting and fighting hard!

So instead of moping on the way out the door, worrying about whether or not she will make it, I think about what and whom for which this daily battle rages. She fights first and foremost for her children, there is no doubt! Then she fights for her family and friends. She wants desperately to be there for all of your life changing events as a daughter, niece, aunt, mom and friend. It is what drives her forward when she begins feeling low.

Lastly she fights for herself, for you see she knows if there is no her, there is no me, and if there is no me, there is no her. Our love for each other has stood the test of time and will continue to do so. So she smiles when I come through the door, happy and giddy just to see me for a little while.

I sit down quietly, kiss her through all my hospital garb, and hold her hand. We smile, laugh, and talk. The hospital melts away for a few moments and I no longer see the woman waging war, but the soft, gentle, warm spirit I married 14 years ago.

We are winning……..

jacy stanford

Buckle up Buttercup!

theycallmebetty8 Comments

buttercup3

Timidly pullIng down the strap, buckling in tight, yes my nerves are raw, emotions high but with a feeling of optimism coursing through my veins. I knew this was going to be a hell of a ride, after all I had done my homework, read the memo’s and calculated all risks associated with this procedure. Life is filled with the unexplained, the where’s and whys, but life can also be explained through formulas, numbers, and equations the basis of fact.

In my world I live on a combination of hard facts and grey areas derived through trial and error, or accumulated experiences. Some days bring solid steadfast results, other days bring gloom and despair but mostly we consistently work within that grey area of operations, teetering between facts and gut reactions. There is something to be said about going with your gut! While floating in the cranial membrane of greyish indecision it has always worked well for me.

So today whilst arriving at Stanford to meet with Jacy’s primary doctor, I really had no questions as through many days and nights absorbing information, regurgitating said information for consumption and pondering the wealth of answers in regards to my wife’s previous, current and future care I felt fairly certain I was right where I wanted to be mentally. Oh but how doctors love hard facts….

Buckle up buttercup this is going to be one hell of a ride!

That’s all that kept running through my head..

Sitting in a room specially designed for such occasions I actually began to feel a bit nervous. I have been here before and I never really like these meetings. It is probably the basis for my need to overload on information, know everything that is happening so as to never be caught off guard. The room was filled with Jacy’s dad, step-mom and myself seated across a table from the doc, his assistant and a social worker. Jacy’s primary nurse joined us a few moment later quietly standing over my right shoulder. For the next 20-25 minutes this room reverberated with every question a father could think of in regards to his daughters care. In return every explanation the doctor felt needed to be tossed onto the table and a few that were beyond what I expected were pitched as well. Once the percentages began flying around my nerves just went numb! 20% here, 70% there, combined with scary words like mortality, fragile state, and the ever popular response of “we just don’t know”. There were also positive words such as, fighter, strong, stubborn and holding her own. Many detailed analysis I already understood; some analysis I was vaguely aware of and had appropriately deduced an outcome, while every now and again something would be said that just blindsided me. But I suppose that was to be expected for no matter how much you prepare you cannot possibly know everything. As we concluded it felt as though we all walked away understanding a little more about the who, what, where and the why of it all. I also walked away with the utmost respect for her doctor and every ounce of care she was receiving.

Now I have long said that statistics are to a mathematician what a lamp-post is to a drunk; just something to lean on.

But driving home after weeks of feeling super positive (well except for our girls little outburst last Friday that sent me into a tailspin) and feeling as though my understanding of everything was solid; driving home I felt, well, I felt heartbroken. A feeling I had no inclination of participating in, yet there it was, like my chest was going to break open! Just plain old heart-broken. Part of me wishes I had never gone to that meeting, part of me wishes I didn’t understand all that I do, part of me wishes I was just a stupid, sheep of a husband, one who nods his head yes and no whenever questions are asked. All of me wishes I could tap in for my wife, trade places with her, send her home. I have known this was going to be a long rough road, I have known that from the start. It just got longer and rougher. I have always known my wife was a fighter, she is the toughest woman I know, but she is going to have to get tougher. We are no longer talking in weeks, we are talking in months. She misses her home, her life, her ranch, her children, heck even her husband! I miss her terribly at home and all of this is breaking my heart.

The good news is these doctors know she is a fighter, everyone loves her, and the nurses all look forward to working with her. Jacy’s spirits are soaring and she knows deep inside her soul she is going to win! GVHD is no joke it is life threatening, but her toughness, her tenacity to continually do the opposite of what is expected through statistics, that will power is what keeps her going strong.

To date; Jacy cannot see due to deteriorating optical nerves in conjunction with sloughing of inner eyelid tissue, so today they tried several experimental procedures hoping to alleviate some of her visual discomfort including placing an amniotic sac over the open eyeball. Do you think that stopped her from getting out of bed and walking with me this evening? Hell no! Her eyes burn, her skin burns, she has broken blisters and peeling over her entire body! You think she whimpered once about how uncomfortable it was or used it as an excuse to get out of physical therapy? Hell no! Her stomach is upset, she cannot eat solid food because the GVHD has extended to her intestines leaving her only induced nutrition arriving through an IV. Do you think that has kept her from downing chicken soup whenever possible? Hell no! Jacy’s all over body pain is so intense she is attached to a pump delivering morphine every 15 minutes just to get through the day. Do you think that stopped her from greeting every nurse, janitor, doctor or visitor with a beaming smile, telling them what a good job they are doing, or talking about television shows, laughing together like old friends? Hell no! She can barely talk at times due to severe dry mouth and lesions inside her throat. Do think that has stopped her from happily conversing with each and every person who crosses her path? Ok I know you know the answer to this by now!

Her enduring strength, positive attitude and indelible spirit are what’s keeping this mother of four, teacher, daughter and friend going strong. I also believe some faith is in there as well. Please keep her in your heart, she believes in all of you and says she can feel the power of prayer working every day.

We have a hill to climb, it is going to be long, sometimes really hard, bumpy and frustrating, but when you feel those helping hands of spirit and faith pushing you from behind you can’t help but make that final push over the top. Then buckled up, straps down tight we can finally let go of the bar, place our hand up high and enjoy the ride together.

stay positiive