The wedding crasher…

Standing in the shadows of an open dimly lit arena. Sparkling white Christmas style lights strung through roofline trusses bring a serene glow to this event centered on two young people professing their love. They stand before family and peers, nervously speaking as to this union, this moment, hands twitching bodies touching for support, faces beaming as if they just won the lottery. Little do these two know they have and it will take some time before they fully understand exactly what they have won and the stakes involved.

My eyes dart back and forth, as through a microphone sounds of tears falling reverberate across this vast space. I am alone, the woman I married is not here; she lies in a hospital room far away. My heart aches. There is something about a wedding that always brings it in for me. Whenever Jacy and I attend a wedding we always hold hands, we always relive that moment 14 years ago when standing in front of family and friends we said; I do. Looking into her eyes, no matter what our lives hold outside this very moment we always know we made the right choice. The sacrifices were worth it and every day brings a new sunrise, a new reason, and another chance to fall in love all over again.

Everyone is so happy! The tables clumped into groups, families tied together reminiscing over old times while devouring food and drink. I came as a guest, a friend of the grooms’ family. I knew hardly anyone which was refreshing. It allowed me a rare chance to sit and watch unmolested. Smile at new love, chuckle at old love still trying, and witness youngsters sizing each other up from the sidelines. All I could think about was my girl and how lucky I was to have her in my life.

A few weeks ago a wonderful woman was explaining to me how my blog moved her. She could not believe one person could write about the troubles that have befallen our family. How easily I share feelings the way I do, professing my love so publicly. Sometimes when I finish writing a piece I too have a hard time understanding what has come from brain through my fingertips onto the screen. I think about the kid who hated school, who struggled with bad grades, who lived only to party and cause mayhem with his friends. I wonder about individuals who held no reservations in explaining to me on a regular basis that I would never amount to anything and what they would say now. Heck, I believed them for a very, very long time.

My writing comes from experiences, from love won, love lost and love taken away permanently. Writing was never easy for me, it was and still is hard! But over time I have found my voice, my muse, my, well my being. It is my release from the day to day tortures that haunt us. Everyone has them, they are in different and varying degree’s associated with all aspects of our lives! Without writing them down, releasing them from my cranial vault, they would in fact weigh me down to where I am certain I would not be able to rise too any occasion. The writings on my blog are a mere fraction of what is stored upon an electronic cloud.

As this woman spoke so kindly of me her husband jokingly replied: Thanks James for ruining it for the rest of us. Now I have known him for a long time and his pithy comment was intended for a good chuckle. I took it as such chuckling along but as the weeks went on, it crept into my psyche, slowly gnawing at me without remorse. It has been eating at me ever since, chewing my insides like a cancer and we all know how well versed I am on that topic as of late. How have I ruined anything for anyone? This is my story not yours; I am only sharing this journey in hopes it reaches and helps someone else, another husband, partner or longtime friend traveling down the very same road! How on Gods green earth am I ruining anything for anyone?

I mean, hey, I get it, this joking statement admonishing me for somehow pulling my “Man” card from the file of all men by showing how I really feel about the woman who swore to spend the rest of her life with me is somehow wrong! Let me reiterate, I know he didn’t mean it that way, it was purely said in jest! As idle conversation to be laughed at! It is my own brain churning that statement over and over again as if I should carry some form of guilt for sharing anything! But in the end it only proves I suppose that some words, even the simplest when spoken in jest, combined the right way can in fact hurt.

After sitting on this for a while I began to wonder, have we as men lost our ability to show how we feel or express our love for another? How many years after marriage are we supposed to quit saying I love you? At what point is our relationship just an existence? Do we simply just cohabitate, thriving off the inadequacies of our significant other, never recalling what it was like the first time we held hands or kissed. Forgotten are the hopes and dreams of a young couple in love? Our lives drug down by normalcy, children, financial responsibilities, the suffering of our friends with whom we bitch to about those we supposedly love?

Jacy and my relationship is far from perfect believe me. We have both spent more than our fair share of times upset with the other over both important and trivial matters. It would go on for a few minutes, a few hours and on rare occasions a few days! It is part of marriage! No couple is perfect! I am more scared of a couple that never fights than a couple who fights, forgives and loves. But one thing about Jacy and I remains through thick and thin. We both LOVE each other unconditionally.

We have learned over time that being in love means learning how to forgive. Sometimes even when you still think you are right. Why? Because when you look into each other’s eyes you should still see that glow, a glimmer in the corner that lets you know she loves you and the person you met all those years ago is still there waiting only for you. You should be able to answer without a doubt what it is she brings to your relationship and why you admire her for it! She should be able to respond instantaneously in the very same fashion.

Listen, if I am ruining things for everyone else, then so be it. I didn’t learn all of this the moment I was married. The person I was before my wife was someone who was angry and in pain. I trusted no one, and put walls up all around me, shoving those closest away. I was self destructive and brought a heavy toll to those who surrounded me and it has taken years of talking and listening to turn myself around.

When Jacy came into my life it was a revelation. I knew, she knew, we both couldn’t believe it. We both fought against it, but we knew. The day I married her my heart exploded with joy and in no time she took to loving me as no other had ever done. She loved me for who I was, what I was and because I was me. Since then I can without hesitation tell you that over our 14 years she has changed me from a arrogant, egocentric, self-centered man to the person I am today. ( I know, not much different right? Ha Ha) I truly disliked who I was before and without her pushing me when I didn’t want to be pushed, picking me up when I had fallen down, believing in me when I felt there was nothing left to give and showing me how to care for others. Without this woman, today I would be a miserable human being inside and out.

There is no way anyone will ever get me to feel sorry for being lucky enough to express my feelings. Jacy Franceschi is my wife, if you have ever met her then you know the instant joy she brings into your life. She is friendly, open and honest, she may say things you don’t want to hear, but they are better said than any wall or wedge being driven between two people over an inability to communicate. She will in fact give you the shirt off her back. Listen when you are down, help you to get back up and cheer you on when things are great. I have never known a person who can make friends instantly no matter where we are, and it is her smile that is her signature trademark!

What is happening to her is beyond unfair! For all she has done for so many it just isn’t fair! Not that God, or any other spiritual higher power you may believe in is keeping tabs on who deserves or doesn’t deserve to have cancer-Leukemia. But for me it doesn’t make sense. I am struggling with why this woman I love, who loves me in return should have to suffer this way. She once told me it was better that Leukemia happened to her than me, because she felt I had suffered enough in my life. That was a hard pill to swallow. But the reality is, I am still suffering, the loss of my wife for the last four months has been overwhelming to say the least! I miss her every day. Her smile, her kiss, her laugh, her down right goofiness at times. I miss watching her and Parker snuggle at night while reading, seeing her and Jake laughing over a goofy joke, I miss listening to her and Cody talk about dog training, I miss her and Jessica talking over the last softball game. I miss it all! It is my family and one person is missing leaving us very incomplete.

She is also the strongest woman I know. What she has gone through is beyond words. There is a reason I only post pictures of her from behind. Out of respect. What Leukemia and the resulting GvHD have taken away from her is more than many of us could ever handle. She is gaunt, without any fat or muscle left on her frail bones. She struggles to walk daily, cannot see most of the time and her skin is mottled red. Her hands shake and she is constantly coughing like a twenty year smoker. She needs assistance to shower, move or go to the bathroom. Yet every minute of every day she greets every person who walks in her room with a smile. She asks about their day, how they are feeling, wanting know who is dating who, who has a child on the way and shows she cares, that she is more than just a patient, she wants to be your friend. She says please and thank you without hesitation and cracks jokes to anyone who will listen. Each time the doctor talks to her about progress she believes it will be next week or the week after that she will go home. Jacy has surpassed many others who tried but haven’t made it this far and she has done it with style, class, determination and grit! She refuses to believe there is any other option but to go home. She is simply amazing, she is my hero and I love her.

Standing in the shadows of an arena, under some twinkling lights, watching two people in love start upon a journey towards an unknown future. A smile breaks across my face, for they haven’t a clue and neither do most. They know they love each other, they know they are now husband and wife and that is all that matters right now. Yet their marriage now becomes about what they don’t know, the future and that’s the way it should be, there is so much waiting ahead for them both. As they walk out of this arena tonight, I only pray they remember marriage is not a fairytale it is in fact hard work, but the payoff is worth every single struggle. I could say I wish we could go back to that day, knowing what we know now, but it wouldn’t change a thing. We still would have done all the things we have done, fought for each other’s love the way we have over the years and worked our hardest to become better human beings. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I said there is no way I will ever feel sorry for being lucky enough to express my feelings the way I do, and I don’t. I feel sorry those you don’t know how to express theirs. Don’t wait until it’s too late, because when it is, you cannot turn back the hands of time. Regret is an awful weight to bear.

Jacy I am coming for you honey, warm up those hands cause I plan on holding them for a really long time.

us

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “The wedding crasher…

  1. James, Thank you! Your feelings today helped put a issue we are struggling with as a couple into prospective in my heart. I need to soften my heart to pain caused by an imperfect marriage and to once again remember we all stumble.
    Cancer sucks the affects go on for, well at least 7 years here. I need to continue to love and to forgive and to quit letting the damn cancer have a hold on my life.
    I need to trust in The Lord who has written our story.
    I need to trust that it is my man’s hand I reach for even if I want to run away. That the love story we are writing is the one for us. Bumps, lumps, hip surgeries, heartache and joy are part of the story. You sharing your story has re-energized me while in a funk in our 37 year marriage.
    Thank you, may God grant you a good day. Thank you for the boost I needed to remember whose hand I want to hold.
    Hugs, Debbie

  2. I BELIEVE THAT HAVING A TURBULENT YOUTH IS A REQUIREMENT FOR A MATURE ADULTHOOD. YOU LEARN FROM HURTS, MISTAKES. YOU LEARN HOW TO SURVIVE THEM AND GROW FROM THEM. AN EXAMPLE: I WAS “ASKED TO LEAVE” MY PRIVATE CATHOLIC GIRLS’ SCHOOL (THAT I HAD ATTENDED SINCE PRE-SCHOOL), IN THE MIDDLE OF MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. I WAS A PRANKSTER. I WAS HONEST WHEN I ANSWERED “NO” WHEN THE SISTERS ASKED IF I WAS INTENT ON BECOMING A NUN. SO, OFF TO ANOTHER (SECULAR) HOITY-TOITY GIRLS’ SCHOOL FOR THE SECOND HALF OF MY JUNIOR YEAR.
    MY GOD, THEY WERE BUILDING MACHINES THAT COULD SMOKE CIGARETTES! I HAD ONLY TAKEN LATIN, FRENCH AND RELIGION. WELL, ALL THESE GIRLS WERE STANFORD- BOUND WHICH LEFT ME LOOKING FOR ANOTHER SCHOOL IN MY SENIOR YEAR. AND, IT WAS PUBLIC (A HARD PILL FOR MY PARENTS TO SWALLOW!). SO, FROM THE REJECTION,THE FEELINGS OF INFERIORITY, I BLOSSOMED AT WOODSIDE HIGH SCHOOL. I SAT NEXT TO ACTUAL BOYS! MY GRADES WENT FROM C’S TO A’S. I HAD FOUND TEACHERS WHO SMILED RATHER THAN FROWNED. I FOUND TEACHERS WHO DIDN’T SCARE ME BEHIND THEIR HIDEOUS BLACK FROCKS. I DISCOVERED TEACHERS WHO WORE REGULAR CLOTHES, WHO TOLD ME TO “TRY AGAIN. YOU CAN DO IT.” I STARTED BELIEVING THERE WAS SOMETHING VALUABLE ABOUT ME. I WENT ON TO GRADUATE FROM SJSU WITH HONORS. IF NOT FOR ALL THE REJECTION, I NEVER WOULD HAVE GROWN INTO A YOUNG WOMAN WHO BELIEVED IN HERSELF.

    SO, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH LIFE’S CHALLENGES. IF YOU ARE LIKE JACY AND JAMES, YOU WILL FIND TRUE LOVE AND ACTUALLY COME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE WORTH THAT LOVE.

    THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, JAMES.

    LOVE TO YOU, CLAIRE

  3. I see his comment “thanks for ruining it for the rest of us” as a superior compliment. I wish I could express myself as smoothly and eloquently as you do James. I write article and stories occasionally, but your words are heartfelt, warm, honest and feel effortless to the reader. They come from a place that most men would dream to be able to reach, where we could express ourselves as we should, and for that example, I applaud you. I love to read your words, and you, Jacy and your whole family are a blessing to all who know you. Prayers for all of you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s