I think I may have just gone crazy?

im back 2

They say the struggle is half the battle. The lord will present you with nothing you cannot handle. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. It is better to try and fail than to have never tried at all. To live a life without challenges is to have never lived. (Yes I was paraphrasing)

Personally I have always felt; to remain positive, even when not showing it outwardly is to shine light upon your darkest of moments. When I am down I always remember that and it helps me to realign my thought process. I am not sure who said it, if it’s a combination of a few philosophies or one day I just made it up. But it is my go too.

Today Monday 19th 2015. I am officially tired of everything. Nothing, not even my go too is working. I am sure this is a passing feeling as I have never been one to wallow in my own despair. But today I just can’t seem to get a grasp on things.

I am going to complain, something I hate, but please allow me this moment. I need to get it out, I always do better writing than talking so if you’ll forgive me this (deep breath) here goes.

I didn’t sleep last night-AGAIN! My head hurt so bad I wanted to scream and whenever I did fall asleep it was filled with horrible nightmares centered on my family and wife. My brain won’t shut off! It is going a hundred miles an hour, all the time! I lay there constantly wondering if I am doing a good enough job or if I am failing my children? If so how do I inspire them, motivate them, move them without becoming frustrated! Last night after a long weekend with two of my kids turning into complete shits, I lost it with one of them. I was two steps away from becoming my father which is a condition I fight with daily. I don’t want that for them, it just shows them the easy way out is to yell, become intimidating and that is not how I wish to raise them. I needed to walk away into the darkness of our ranch and in the same fashion as how I work a horse, ponder just what I AM DOING WRONG first before pointing the finger completely in their direction.

My life has been centered on this family and my job for 19 years. What many people don’t realize is when you are accepted into the fire service, the fire service becomes your family as well. So I carry a huge amount of guilt for being gone from work as long as I have as though I have let them down as well. Some mornings I will stop by after dropping off kids just to sit and have a cup of coffee with the crew. It is not that I have nothing to do, just the opposite it puts me hours behind an already crazy ass schedule, but it allows me one whole minute of normalcy with my other family. Even if nothing is said at all. I am very grateful for the time off allowed thanks to my second family, but I do miss them.

What am I going to do if Jacy can never work again? I know that sounds selfish as hell but hear me out! Since we moved here I have worked very hard to build this place, to not owe anyone anything, putting every spare penny into new barns, doing the work myself, not taking a single loan but waiting patiently and in some cases building things with scraps and spares from other peoples lost projects. It is why we both drive 200,000 mile paid for cars, have a 15 year old horse trailer, still live with broken flooring in the house, a 30 year old kitchen and a hole in the ceiling. We have always lived on a thin line, trying to provide our children with a life most never dream of living. The life she always wanted for her children, the life I lived to some extent as a child. We knew it was going to be a struggle but took the challenge head on and a challenge it has been. Pay cuts, overtime loss, and raising costs of living, the very same struggles many of you face on daily basis! We are not special or any different than anyone else! Since Leukemia has taken over our lives my whole process has been reorganizing, selling things we don’t need, working for any extras needed around the ranch and slimming us down to a livable amount. I have put away every spare penny possible to cover her being out for an extended period of time. But what if? Do I have what it takes to keep reinventing ourselves? I always feel like I am never going to measure up. As though I am missing that one thing that others have to make themselves successful financially. We are making it without her income, but what if? I just can’t seem to shake the “what if’s” no matter how hard I try!!!! Is that normal? Am I just overreacting, should I just trust it will all be ok, and if so I just wish God would show me the way! Maybe he already has and I just can’t see it through a clouded mind that won’t shut off! I swear it’s as though my brains on crack! I really don’t care if my wife ever works again, I just want her to come home! To have a home to come home too! I just want to take care of her and see her with her children! To see her laughing and smiling surrounded by the animals she loves! I don’t care about me, my point was, hell I don’t even know what my point was anymore. Now that I have written it all out it seems arrogant, selfish and pitiful.

Speaking of her coming home. That proposed moment just keeps getting farther away! Every time she gets a possible date something else happens! I don’t know how she does it! She keeps a smile on her face and says; well what ya gonna do? She is right of course and we usually have a good laugh, but my nerves are raw. I am scared for everything she is going through, scared every time I walk through the doors, scared at every turn there is going to be more bad news, scared our lives without her for long periods of time will continue to be the norm, scared she will one day not smile anymore and feel as though there is nothing more she can do. Listen the prognosis is still good. There will be an outpatient date for her, but the hill just feels as though it is getting larger and harder to climb when it comes to her having any resemblance of a normal life. I know the retort is instantly; well at least she will have a life! But this is my one moment of bitching so let me have it! I want her home, I want her to never have to worry about her health ever again! I just desperately miss our life!

God! I just re-read this and it sounds self-centered and contrite all in one! Shit am I going crazy?

Today Jacy is going into the O.R. for a procedure to hopefully find and resolve her bleeding bladder issue. I am praying for the simplest of outcomes. The other options for controlling this issue are not what we want for our girl. Please pray for her today, that she gets the right answers, that everything goes smoothly, that she keeps a smile on her face and soon we hear she is smiling all the way home.

Thank you all for letting me vent. Tell me I am crazy, tell me I am ok, just tell me something for today I awoke feeling as though I was going to explode! I erased nothing in this rant, changed nothing even though I hate most of what I wrote, but I needed to write it and since I am unable to speak about it out loud, you have all just become my councilors. I am sorry for that, but good job on obtaining your degree.

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25 thoughts on “I think I may have just gone crazy?

  1. I’m a friend of a friend and have been silently following along. But today I’m breaking my blog silence 😉 I have no words of wisdom, just a small reminder that there are people (strangers even) out there rooting for you and your wife and your family. You’re not crazy, you deserve time to let it all out…sometimes people just need to vent! Know that you are doing everything you can, and that’s the best you can do! Sending all my prayers!

  2. You are not going crazy! It is natural for a man to have the need to provide, and to plan for the future. But sometimes life gets in the way and no matter how much planning and preparing you do, it may not be enough. But no matter, you are not a failure and your family sees your sacrafice and hard work and that’s what really matters….family. As far as Jacy, she will be home. Patient endurance, she will be home.

  3. Raw emotion man,…..let it pour; I/we don’t have the words but clearly James, you are just as fiesty a warrior as Jacy and you all remain in our thoughts and prayers – particularly today as Jacy makes her way through the OR. We pray ~ for the surgeon(s) and staff that they will have eyes to see and blinders of wisdom and understanding for what they find and how they proceed and peace for you James as you bear the burden, keep your eyes on the plan and work through the details every day. We remain prayerful for you all on every front ~ The Garth Family

  4. James,
    You are enduring more than I can imagine You need someone to lean on as much as Jacy does. Feel free to vent, rage, whatever you need to do. Your true friends will listen and continue to love and support all of you through this journey. Always in my prayers,
    Sharon Burr

  5. You are such a strong man. Give yourself the much-deserved credit for have earned for coming this far. I have baked birthday cakes for kids in foster care since 2010. When my son Billy died in 2013, i turned off my oven and stayed secluded for months. Then, as my head cleared, I remembered how much Billy loved kids and cooking. So, I resumed. Every cake I bake, decorate and deliver is in honor of him. I feel his presence now. We are still sharing things we both love.
    Peace of mind and heart is very elusive. If you can grab hold for just a moment, you’ll feel better.
    The quote I live by now is ” Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.” God Bless You, James. You are coping!

  6. This is the time you must nurture you. Do something special
    Can be simple like soak in the tub! But you need to be gentle with you.
    My prayers are there for Jacy but I don’t know how you hold it all together.
    Oh, and our kids are very forgiving so go easy on yourself there too.
    Tomorrow is a new day.
    Blessings

  7. Big sigh before I begin to actually respond. You are not alone with your fears, anger, tears, total frustration,anxiety, sleepless nights and everything you said in your message. I am going through something with my best friend and living partner of 27 years… just as frightening but the patient is still at home…we haven’t gone through the part you are going through with your wife. I have no idea how you keep any sanity in place with your wife being so far away from you and your family.
    I tend to vent a lot…after you have vented and calm down just hug your kids and tell them you’re sorry. Tell them unfortunately it will probably happen again. Try to find time to do more for you. Visit the Station more for coffee, perhaps if you can, do something special with your kids. Just know that there are many who are praying and care about your wife, you, and your family. You are a hero!

  8. Dearest James, I along with many I am sure, admire you and your strength, your courage, your fight to keep somewhat of a normal life. I so very much admire your writings. Venting, angry, joyful, sad, lonely, annoyed, gratefulness, and pure love are all emotions you have shared with me and who knows how many others who follow you. Each sharing you bring me to tears today as well.t However Today Ialsomlaughed when you called the two kids “complete shits,” a term that could describe all children at some point and what I tended to think of mine as well. Ok confession, I still at times think of mine as such at 35 & 32. But…real, and you saw a trait you hated and you pulled back. Now that my friend is a high five dad moment.
    I’m sure there are things that you could do better at, but who couldn’t do better? The children love you unconditionally forgive easily and carry on. So you say your sorry, you tell them you love them and you live as need be for today.
    Is it possible to take a day for yourself? Go fishing, take a hike, have a massage, do whatever you need to give you some down time, some breathing space, regroup and carry on time? Is there someone who could help that you are might feel awkward to ask of their help? Doing so it is a way for you to give back. Those who are givers are honored and excited to help others and delight in being asked to help.
    What can I do for you? What burden can on take off your plate? Are meals still being provided? Can I bring you a meal? Can I clean your home?
    Stranger to you I am, but to me I am your friend and I am willing to help. Yes James, I know that isn’t why you wrote but to me you wrote so I can extend a hand, not just my prayers but real help.
    Hang in there my friend. Go easy on you, keep trusting In the medical staff and continue to believe that God has a plan for each one of you.
    Hugs, hugs,hugs Debbie

  9. You don’t sound remotely selfish. You sound like most people with what-ifs that don’t have the tremendous amount of stress going on that you do. I am sorry you were feeling the way you were but glad you shared it. To me it didn’t even resemble complaining. It was just stating how felt. I hope you get some sleep and though I don’t know you personally I am sure you are doing a fine job.

  10. Hey James,
    I’m giving you a BIG HUG right now. I hope you can feel it?!?! Everything you’ve said makes so much sense and is the furthest from selfish. I agree with everyone’s responses so far and I believe that the best thing you can do for yourself is to allow acceptance towards all the emotions that come your way. It is incredible how strong and positive you are (and have been) through this unreal process. But it is the most natural thing in the world to also feel angry, sad, scared and overwhelmed by the what-ifs. And on those days, you should reach out and vent to all that are here for you – because WE can absolutely hold on to that faith, positivity and strength for you as you go through those emotionally draining moments that you must allow yourself to feel. We’re praying for you always!! ❤️ Nicole

  11. Wow!! Did I need your post today! No, you are not self-centered..you are just asking out loud the questions so many of us are afraid to ask…I had a wonderful, in-depth conversation today with co-workers regarding God, faith, death etc. My constant struggle (since half of my career has been in pediatric hospice oncology) is if there is a God, why, why would he make our loved ones experience the devastation and suffering that they do.. Not knowing you and Jacy personally what I gleam from your posts is love, faith, hope and belief…she is very lucky to have you as you are very lucky to have her!

  12. I was once told if you think you are being selfish it is ok. Meaning genuine selfish people do not question it. They just act selfish and don’t think twice about it. Not to mention you are doing everything at this point. It is ok to feel this way. It is a feeling not your personality.

  13. You are not going crazy, sorry to say you are very normal, with an incredible amount of inner strength that hasn’t had a break in a very long time. Thank you for venting because you make so many who feel the same way feel normal too. Thank you for your honesty because it helps to sort out the day’s challenges and let everyone know that no one is perfect and we all need help. You sharing is inspirational even if you don’t mean it to be. Every time you share I see how the strength Jacy has is connected to the strength you have and you both keep going. I love the love. Keep your chin up and trust that God will help the people around you to carry you on. God bless.

    1. Thank you so much Andina, I had never thought of it before but you are right, Jacy and I do feed of each other’s strengths and it is that emptiness or loss of strength that I currently am feeling. My chin is up, after a stumble. Your kindness in responding to my story propels me forward. 😃

  14. Hi James, Thank you for sharing your heart, I always go to Jeremiah 29:11, It just reminds me God is there and walking by my side as He is yours and Jacy’s. Have a blessed day you and your family are always in my prayers..

  15. James you go ahead and vent all you want you need to. Sometimes we hold everything in until we explode and that is not good for you or anyone around you cause then we just have something else to worry about. With all the positive thoughts and prayers going out for all of you everything has to be ok. Hold your head up and say I can do this it isn’t easy but unfortunately it is the cards you have been dealt now just turn them into a winning hand. I had cancer 2 times beat it both times. Stay strong and vent when ever you need to.

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