They say the struggle is half the battle. The lord will present you with nothing you cannot handle. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. It is better to try and fail than to have never tried at all. To live a life without challenges is to have never lived. (Yes I was paraphrasing)
Personally I have always felt; to remain positive, even when not showing it outwardly is to shine light upon your darkest of moments. When I am down I always remember that and it helps me to realign my thought process. I am not sure who said it, if it’s a combination of a few philosophies or one day I just made it up. But it is my go too.
Today Monday 19th 2015. I am officially tired of everything. Nothing, not even my go too is working. I am sure this is a passing feeling as I have never been one to wallow in my own despair. But today I just can’t seem to get a grasp on things.
I am going to complain, something I hate, but please allow me this moment. I need to get it out, I always do better writing than talking so if you’ll forgive me this (deep breath) here goes.
I didn’t sleep last night-AGAIN! My head hurt so bad I wanted to scream and whenever I did fall asleep it was filled with horrible nightmares centered on my family and wife. My brain won’t shut off! It is going a hundred miles an hour, all the time! I lay there constantly wondering if I am doing a good enough job or if I am failing my children? If so how do I inspire them, motivate them, move them without becoming frustrated! Last night after a long weekend with two of my kids turning into complete shits, I lost it with one of them. I was two steps away from becoming my father which is a condition I fight with daily. I don’t want that for them, it just shows them the easy way out is to yell, become intimidating and that is not how I wish to raise them. I needed to walk away into the darkness of our ranch and in the same fashion as how I work a horse, ponder just what I AM DOING WRONG first before pointing the finger completely in their direction.
My life has been centered on this family and my job for 19 years. What many people don’t realize is when you are accepted into the fire service, the fire service becomes your family as well. So I carry a huge amount of guilt for being gone from work as long as I have as though I have let them down as well. Some mornings I will stop by after dropping off kids just to sit and have a cup of coffee with the crew. It is not that I have nothing to do, just the opposite it puts me hours behind an already crazy ass schedule, but it allows me one whole minute of normalcy with my other family. Even if nothing is said at all. I am very grateful for the time off allowed thanks to my second family, but I do miss them.
What am I going to do if Jacy can never work again? I know that sounds selfish as hell but hear me out! Since we moved here I have worked very hard to build this place, to not owe anyone anything, putting every spare penny into new barns, doing the work myself, not taking a single loan but waiting patiently and in some cases building things with scraps and spares from other peoples lost projects. It is why we both drive 200,000 mile paid for cars, have a 15 year old horse trailer, still live with broken flooring in the house, a 30 year old kitchen and a hole in the ceiling. We have always lived on a thin line, trying to provide our children with a life most never dream of living. The life she always wanted for her children, the life I lived to some extent as a child. We knew it was going to be a struggle but took the challenge head on and a challenge it has been. Pay cuts, overtime loss, and raising costs of living, the very same struggles many of you face on daily basis! We are not special or any different than anyone else! Since Leukemia has taken over our lives my whole process has been reorganizing, selling things we don’t need, working for any extras needed around the ranch and slimming us down to a livable amount. I have put away every spare penny possible to cover her being out for an extended period of time. But what if? Do I have what it takes to keep reinventing ourselves? I always feel like I am never going to measure up. As though I am missing that one thing that others have to make themselves successful financially. We are making it without her income, but what if? I just can’t seem to shake the “what if’s” no matter how hard I try!!!! Is that normal? Am I just overreacting, should I just trust it will all be ok, and if so I just wish God would show me the way! Maybe he already has and I just can’t see it through a clouded mind that won’t shut off! I swear it’s as though my brains on crack! I really don’t care if my wife ever works again, I just want her to come home! To have a home to come home too! I just want to take care of her and see her with her children! To see her laughing and smiling surrounded by the animals she loves! I don’t care about me, my point was, hell I don’t even know what my point was anymore. Now that I have written it all out it seems arrogant, selfish and pitiful.
Speaking of her coming home. That proposed moment just keeps getting farther away! Every time she gets a possible date something else happens! I don’t know how she does it! She keeps a smile on her face and says; well what ya gonna do? She is right of course and we usually have a good laugh, but my nerves are raw. I am scared for everything she is going through, scared every time I walk through the doors, scared at every turn there is going to be more bad news, scared our lives without her for long periods of time will continue to be the norm, scared she will one day not smile anymore and feel as though there is nothing more she can do. Listen the prognosis is still good. There will be an outpatient date for her, but the hill just feels as though it is getting larger and harder to climb when it comes to her having any resemblance of a normal life. I know the retort is instantly; well at least she will have a life! But this is my one moment of bitching so let me have it! I want her home, I want her to never have to worry about her health ever again! I just desperately miss our life!
God! I just re-read this and it sounds self-centered and contrite all in one! Shit am I going crazy?
Today Jacy is going into the O.R. for a procedure to hopefully find and resolve her bleeding bladder issue. I am praying for the simplest of outcomes. The other options for controlling this issue are not what we want for our girl. Please pray for her today, that she gets the right answers, that everything goes smoothly, that she keeps a smile on her face and soon we hear she is smiling all the way home.
Thank you all for letting me vent. Tell me I am crazy, tell me I am ok, just tell me something for today I awoke feeling as though I was going to explode! I erased nothing in this rant, changed nothing even though I hate most of what I wrote, but I needed to write it and since I am unable to speak about it out loud, you have all just become my councilors. I am sorry for that, but good job on obtaining your degree.