Category: Lifestyles

A letter to my son…

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Dear son,

Life at twelve can seem incredibly hard, your day is long and filled with all the trappings of an almost adult life.

You wake up early 6am

Get dressed while simultaneously trying to gather your belongings for the day ahead.

Study last-minute materials for the big presentation at work- whoops, I mean study last-minute for the large exam you have at the end of class.

Have a cup of coffee to get going- whoops, I mean drink some OJ or maybe a glass of milk to help get the day started.

Shovel down breakfast while looking over the paper- gosh mixed em up again, shovel down breakfast while playing a game on your i-pod.

Run out the door screaming you are now late because no one let the dog out!- whoops again, you run out the door late because you forgot some homework and mom is backing out of the driveway as you run like heck to catch her!

Son believe it or not your day is filled with the very same social interactions that surround your parents.  Here let me help you out a little.

School                                Work

Bully———————-Boss, co-worker looking to get ahead, Bosses boss

Girl you like————-Co-worker, girl at the cafe down the street, etc..

Best friend—————Best friend

Friends——————-Friends, co-workers

Nerds———————I.T guys, maybe even your boss

Jocks———————Corporate, Boss, Bosses boss also can be interchanged with “bully”

Stoners——————-Stoners, mail room, janitors, window washers

Rockers——————-To many items to list

Country kids————-Country folks/adults

Principal——————CEO of the company

Vice Principal————COO of the company

Teachers——————In house training experts

Parents——————-Security

So as you can see you are dealing with the same social problems we are as adults on a daily basis.  The problem is your brain is just now learning how to handle all these various personalities. No minor task mind you and I for one do not wish to trade places with you in any way shape or form.  But there is something you must understand, and learn this one thing you must, because whether you realize it or not this very moment in time is truly one of the most important of your life.  The person you are becoming right now will dictate the person you will remain for most of high school! Yes you can change if it’s not working out, but for some reason if change is not made prior to high school it then becomes a long tedious four-year road of interpersonal struggle.

Why am I telling you all of this in a blog?

Because I have tried my hardest to tell you in person. Your head is hard and thick, your fortitude is deep and strong.  You have been mired in a very grey area for the last month, one where heading towards the dark side means meeting the expectations of your peers while heading towards the light means your family comes first and your friends will think you a loser. Social problems and decisions within that social sphere can impact how you feel about yourself and others. I understand that, your mom understands it, but we cant help you if you wont let us!

But the real reason I am writing you this letter is so some day when this emotional roller coaster you are on has come to an abrupt end and you step away from it woosey and unsure of what just happened you will be able to read this and know exactly how I felt.

I miss you son, I miss your laugh, your smile, the accepting way you were always willing to lend a hand.  I miss doing things with you that was just about us.  I miss being a family with you son.  Your brothers and sisters miss you! They are exhausted from fighting over every little tidbit of social interaction with you! I am not sure where you have gone, but your personality needs to come home.  The tension created by just you is unbearable!

Today was the last straw, the rolling of the eyes when asked to participate in this family, the disrespectful comments made towards you mother and I, the anger you have shown towards you siblings, it all ends today.

The punk flat billed hat you wanted so badly, gone! If it looks like a punk, dresses like a punk and acts like punk guess what? It’s probably a punk! Next to go is your phone, after that baseball and if we have too, I will bring you home and tutor you myself right through high school for you see son, as much as I love being like a friend to you when the times are good there is one thing I am above all else.  YOUR FATHER!

And with that comes the never-ending responsibility to ensure you grow up to become all you can possibly become! You will have manners towards your parents and teachers! Why? Because we raised you that way! You will become a productive member of society! Why? Because we raised you that way! You will give back to your community and strive to be a better person every chance you get! Why? Pretty sure you know the answer to this right about now.

Those “friends” you are emulating will come and go! One minute you will be their best buddy and the next you will be thrown to the curb for the next best greatest thing! But your family, we are here forever.  We love you, we think the world of you and we will do everything in our power to help you. Mess with one you get us all!

So in closing.

Tonight definitely sucked. You say things are gonna change. I hope so, not just because your mom and I miss you, not just because we love you, but because as your father its my job to ensure that a change gonna come…

Dad….

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Grace the pies on me!

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This is for Grace from one of my favorite blogs: Confederacy of a Spinster! Check it out!

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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Life isn’t a guarantee, live in the moment, open your eyes and find something to appreciate about this very minute.

Example: I am thankful for being able to write this blog, where I want, when I want. Life is great!

Carry on that is all…

My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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When making a decision of infinite proportion the term “sleep on it” is used as advice for the leery. Yet “sleep” never comes, your mind stays “on it” and before long you wish someone else would tell you what to do even though you’ve known the answer all along.
Seems like a waste of a good nights sleep.
Carry on that is all…

A letter from the past…

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letter

1,486 days until 50 years of age.

Recently while rummaging through some old keepsakes I came across a letter.  Now while most of us at some time or another have kept letters from old boyfriends or girlfriends, or  from our parents while we were away at camp, even notes from friends, this letter was a little different.

Wrapped in a dingy standard, business envelope it was thin, wrinkled and worn.  The writing on its face was faded and simple, addressed to me from me.  You see it was dated 1984. Mailed from the office of my old high school, a project straight from the bowels of a creative writing class.  Premise;write a letter to yourself to be opened when you reach 25. Address it to your parents home to ensure you receive it and be “creative”.

Well being the pretentious Teaching Assistant that I had become, the whole thing seemed stupid and as such the writing was poignant to say the least. The letter was all of a 1/2 page written on wrinkled binder paper and said: Well asshole if you are reading this then good job! You made it to 25, now give yourself a pat on the back for still being alive.  Never thought you would make it past 21! You are still a loser. Hope you still have some friends to pester.  Loser!

So what does this all have to do with the price of tea in China and most of all my count down towards turning 50?

The letter drew a sad emotional response. Sad that I wasted a perfectly good opportunity to write something pertinent, honest, heartfelt, whimsical or even just plain factual.  Yet I threw away that time being a punk to myself.  Shorting myself with an alloof flippant attitude towards something that could have captured the feelings of being a teenager in the 80’s.  A paragraph, a page, a note, a quotation, anything to show myself and the world development, growth and the ability to change, adapt and overcome life’s challenges and obstacles. To be able to map a path taken between the age of 17 and 25, from 25 to 46 and into the future.

Then I read it again and you know what, strangely that may be  exactly what I accomplished. Not eloquently mind you but looking beyond that moronic statement to who I was at 25 its there, you just need to read between the lines.  When I was young, I was a know it all, selfish, moody little bitch.  To be quite honest if my 46-year-old persona met my 17-year-old moronic self, I do not think we would like each other very much. I would probably kick my own ass! You see back then if we were friends, I was a loud joke cracking fool, if we didn’t know each other I hung back in the corners like a wall flower scared of his own shadow.  I was a contradiction of introvert and extrovert all rolled into one.  Some days you just never knew who you where going to get. In some ways I am still that way today, with the exception that as an adult hanging back in the corner of the room allows me a few moments to figure out who all the “players” are and how to approach people.

Getting closer to 50 has given me the chance to reflect on my life, where it has been and where it is headed.  I see a lot of the same attributes in my oldest teenage son and I am worried for him.  He is at a stage where emotions, testosterone and the inability to become outwardly friendly towards new people have paralyzed his ability to cope with strange situations.  He is moody and if you are his friend he is the dry witted life of the party, but if he doesn’t know you he clams up and can’t even muster the strength to say a word while he stares at the ground.

Part of me wishes my 17-year-old self could come back to life so he sees there is hope. As his father I want to protect him, but I know he needs to fall on his face to learn how to handle the rough edge of life.  Learning from every encounter, mistake, misfortune and success are the building blocks to a foundation that forms our adult existence.  I don’t know how to bring out the best in him, I don’t know how to tell him I went through all the same feelings as a kid without him tuning me out as his father telling the tale of walking both ways uphill in the snow barefoot to school.

But most of all I don’t want him someday to become mired in the fact he is closing in on 50 years of age  while reading a letter from some 17-year-old asshole known as himself….

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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When working to achieve a goal in todays day and age of instant gratification one thing must always be remembered. Hard work will always bring lasting peace to ones mind, body and soul.  It wont happen instantly, at the push of some electronic button, but after days, weeks and even months of steady resolve.

Just saying..   Carry on that is all….

Time..

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Time is but the click of a second-hand or a slow methodical movement towards an hour. If I could place time in a bottle, would I save everyday until eternity passes away? We tell our children there is plenty of time for this and for that, yet in the same moment we are left gazing, staring upon them wishing we could turn back the hands of time.  Our only wish, to revel once more in their faces so young, so precious, and so innocent.

Time marches on while some take their time, walking to the beat of a different drummer. We can stuck in time, mired in what was, what should have been, what never will become.  Asking for a time-out can bring some form of sanity after re-grouping our emotions, evaluating our actions, our resolve.  Time can be fleeting when surrounded by those who must go, or drag on endlessly when surrounded by those you wish would move on.  There is never enough time during sunlight hours and even less time when slumber must rule the moment.

We must learn how to manage our time, meet a timed schedule, hurry as time slips away, kill time, warrant enough time, track time, watch time fly, waste time, and pass the test of time. Time can become an illusion or merely the furthest distance between two points. Time is seen as an equal opportunity employer, the rich cannot purchase it, while the poor/destitute cannot give it away, for they have nothing but time.   You may find yourself staring blankly into the face of Father time, mesmerized while the hands of time move slowly around.

Time can become a bitter enemy or our beloved friend.   We curse its insistence while cherishing its surrender.  We honor times presence through trinkets and wall clocks that clatter and chine. Gigantic towers, statues and balls that drop at midnight. There are timepieces that glimmer, and digital markers, surrounding us, blaring in our faces at the very turn of a head. Reminding us time is not to be wasted.

What does time mean to me?

It means I am getting older and with time memories fade, my children become adults, my wife looks at me through the same weary eyes gazing back upon her. The lines of time stretched across my face, showing the world I have indeed done my time.

When it is finally time for me to go, will I rest easy knowing I have done my best as a human being while here on this earth? Will I have taken the time to warmly, honestly tell all I have welcomed into my heart that I love them?

Only Time will tell….

What does time mean to you? How do you see time in your life?

My friend Cooper

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We met on a warm spring day in 2001, you had just finished running and were full of energy and enthusiasm. The type of excitement held solely for those coming down from a runners high!  After introductions it appeared immediately as though we would become friends. I couldn’t help but admire your self-confidence, exuberance and ability to charm those you encountered!

Over time we became closer, long walks in the evening, daily runs, outings with the family.  When our eldest son was little and sad, you never balked at an opportunity to cheer him up. Good friends will do that and indeed a good friend you had become.  A look, a smile, some funny movement or action and our son would laugh, all at your expense. You never minded, when your work was done you always left with that sly smile upon your face.  A look that showed you always knew something we didn’t.

And knew something you certainly did, for you have been alongside our children for the last 12 years. Watching them grow, helping with their life changes, attitudes and emotions.  I really don’t know what I would have done without your friendship! Like a rock, steadfast and solid your loyalty never wavered.  There are times in life when no matter what you do as a father you just cant seem to get through, but you always could. With a calm demeanor, a listening ear, and a warm embrace it was always you bringing things into perspective for their little minds.

So what am I to do now?  How do I fill this void you left behind? You have gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. You left us all with broken hearts and endless tears.  Not for the way you left, or even the fact you had to go, but  for our own selfishness.  Our own emotional fulfilment.  The need to feel your love and to give that love in return.  Did I show you enough affection, did I tell you I loved you enough times? I will have to assume yes, as I will never know the true answer.

Yesterday at 7:30pm you took your last breath, heaved your very last sigh, relieving yourself of all the pain you had been carrying inside.  You body could no longer handle an enlarged liver, your kidneys ached under the strain and your legs had finally given to the pressure.  We couldn’t bear watching you suffer anymore as one step meant seeing you buckle under the strain. You were my wifes dear friend and companion, you were a wonderful friend to our children, and you were my friend.  You stood proudly by my side through thick and thin, in the sun and even the rain.  Camping trips, fishing, daily outings, hikes, bike rides, you participated in them all. Always a smile on your face!  You were amazing!

The day we met, my then girlfriend (future wife) had been running with you, you were her young, handsome little pup. Over the years you became one of the most important parts of our growing family, no longer the sole dog, loved by one, but the much-loved, valued member of 4, then 5, and eventually 6 of us. You have slept upon beds of the frieghtened, laid on feet of the cold, awakened us when something just didn’t seem right outside, and even chased off a coyote looking to enter our backyard.  Every Sunday we just knew you were going to catch one of the many Balloons filled with wine country tourists traveling over our house.  If you couldn’t catch a balloon, you dang sure were going to chase it away! You took credit for every one that passed over head and out of view.  There was a time when your speed matched that of the Jack rabbit, catching one only to let it go! Their wasnt a tire on our property that didn’t bear a marking from your superb aim. When we moved to the ranch you took other dogs under your wing and showed them the way.  Blitz misses you now, proof as he laid in your spot last night and would not get up for me this morning.

There are those that say “he was just a dog” but not to us, you were family.  It started the day my wife took you in, trained you and made you her very own. Smothering you in the very same love so easily given back to those you accepted into  your life.  As her family grew, your family grew and it never ended as day after day we always found a way to love you more.

We all miss you Cooper.  You are a symbol of our family. I wish I could bring you back for one last hug but I can’t, it was hard seeing you go, it was even harder burying you under the old tree by the pond last night. I wrapped you neatly in one of your favorite comforters and placed you gently upon your pillow.  A prayer was said and I cried laying the first bucket of dirt upon you.  I hope you like the place we picked, it has a full view of the valley, all the jack rabbits and coyotes but most of all those damn balloons as they pass by every Sunday morning.

May you rest in peace, you were a GREAT dog, the fields of heaven are open just for you.  Your work here is done, and for that we love you and thank you….

Cooper

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1999-2013

 

 

Father of the year?

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As parents we all make mistakes, its inevitable. Many times over the years I have reiterated the painful fact that parenting doesn’t come with a manual specific to you.  It is one of the hardest most demanding jobs we as a adults will ever work.  (my prevalent graying hair loss is proof) Yet despite our best intentions along with all the ups and downs, we cross our fingers and pray at the end of the day everything will work out just fine.

Over the years, through thousands of snap judgements, arguments and skull scratching moments there have been times my decisions havent been the most sound.  Be it exhaustion from the endlessmom bombardment our children’s attention requires, or just the sheer fact I really wasnt listening.   It remains a fact.  Times when I said or did something I wished I  could have taken back.  Worried I may have scarred a little ego or trampled even the best of efforts through my obvious ignorance.  It has been said; “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.  But when you consistently strive to be the best parent you can be the odds are stacked against you.

So my question is this: What did you say or do while parenting that you wish you could either take back or change?

My example:

One day my 7-year-old daughter dragged all my baseball coaching gear out onto the backyard lawn.  Now this had been an ongoing problem as repeatedly there had been gear spread across our imagesCALM26LPproperty.  Being the ever vigilant, penny-pinching father every one of those items equated to a dollar sign and over the years we had accumulated quite a bit of high quality instructional aids for little league baseball.  Having coached ball for 4 years while my oldest played, the sanctity of these items was paramount to the future success of our younger boys as they too aspired to play baseball. Up until that moment I had assumed the boys were responsible for dragging this gear out and leaving it spread across our little forty acre parcel.  But now it was obvious my daughter was to blame.

The backyard was laid out perfectly with a throwing station, batting station and bases which formed up a miniature diamond. As she pulled a baseball from the bucket and wound up to throw towards one of two targets I leaned out the backdoor bellowing; PUT THAT STUFF AWAY!

She tried to say something to me but all I could do was point towards the garage and sternly say: I don’t want to hear it honey put the baseball stuff away!!!

Lip quivering and a dumbfounded look upon her face  she began mumbling about throwing, catching, hitting, what ever, I didn’t care she was a girl, girls don’t play baseball they play softball and their was no way she was going to play with MY baseball equipment!

I proclaimed in my sternest voice: PUT IT AWAY NOW OR RISK SPENDING THE AFTERNOON IN YOUR ROOM!

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Turning on my heels, door closing behind me I headed for a cup of coffee.  After brewing up a pot and pouring myself a cup I gazed towards the backyard once again only to notice nothing had been cleaned up! To make matters worse she was getting ready to toss a ball straight up in the air with bat in hand! Before my temper could rise or my body could clear the back door she tossed it up and actually hit the ball! That’s right she hit the ball! My seven-year old little girl not only defied my direct order to put all the gear away but actually hit the damn ball!

And it was sailing out of the backyard!

Standing slack-jawed in astonishment the “coach” in me held back as she did it time and again! She kept reaching into the bucket pulling out another ball and crushing it! Then just as I was about to walk out and see if she could throw (scouting report and all) she did theimagesCATII0SG unthinkable! She switched sides! Yep, not only had she crushed the ball hitting right-handed she was now sailing them out into the field hitting left-handed! Stop the god damn presses! Could it be we have a self-taught switch hitter living in this household?

Walking into the backyard, she turned and looked at me as if a prison sentence was in her future, but instead with a sheepish look upon my face I softly asked her to do it again! She nodded yes, hit the ball and with a smile on her face asked me if I thought she was any good? I laughed and said; yes honey I gina davisthink you are pretty good.  She asked me if I would play catch with her, so off I scurried to grab my mit with the exuberance of someone who just found out they were playing catch with Nolan Ryan!

We threw the ball back and forth a few times and amazingly she threw quite well! But what made it even better was her ability to throw both left and right-handed! Now don’t let me paint you a picture of a baseball/softball prodigy in the making, she definitely needed lots of work, but just to be able to do those things on her own without anyone showing her how was pretty cool. We ended up finishing the afternoon laughing and joking about her becoming the best baseball player around.

Her mother signed her up for softball later that year.  She had a good season and was an average player, (no hero-worship yet) but she still practices every chance she gets and can’t wait for the new season to begin!

What do I wish I could change?

By not recognizing my daughter as a person who loves baseball I inadvertently created a gender bias. As a father that is a giant FAIL!  “It wasnt about the gear it was about some notion that “girls don’t play baseball” not even recognizing the softball cross over or the pure fact none of that even mattered if she was just having fun.  What made it worse for me personally is the fact as a firefighter working in a male driven profession I am one of those guys who believe anyone can do this job, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, etc..! Shining moment of double standards! Father of the year? It was a humbling experience and as a parent a learning moment!

So the question remains: What did you say or do while parenting that you wish you could either take back or change?

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My Words of Wisdom for the Day

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There is a gigantic difference between letting your child express themselves and raising a self entitled, pompous, arrogant little heathen. Please learn it and save all of us the embarrassment for you.

Carry on that is all…