Its midnight and I can’t sleep. Facebook says: write something…. But I can’t, not for lack of inspiration but because my writings are more than Facebook can handle, the emotion, my feelings, inner torment. These feelings take more than a few lines to describe, more than a paragraph to sum up into a neat tidy little package. These yearnings, longings, fears, unknowns, hover over my head. They are kept at bay most of the time, squashed into remission by a steel will and optimism. Yeah optimism. The problem with optimism for myself is I am a natural pessimist. The person who says no first than after careful consideration reconsiders my response. Some would call it a natural negativity, I call it lessons learned through life experiences.
Why cant I sleep, what is tugging at my brain causing fear to paralyze me in bed with the light on? Waiting, no, praying the monster under the bed doesn’t come out to play?
It is the darkness.
With darkness comes silence, with silence comes thought, with thought comes sadness and with sadness comes fear. Fear for control I do not have, fear for an outcome which I know not an answer. Fear one morning I will awaken from this dream or nightmare and find myself alone. Now being alone is not so bad, that is when you have someone to come home too. Being alone brings peace, it allows you an ability to discover and rejuvenate your self-awareness. That is unless you are already comfortable in that department. Being alone should be by choice not by design. Being alone should never be forced upon you unwillingly, in a cowardly act or unforseen circumstance. In the end it doesn’t matter what it is,or how it happens, I am scared of being alone.. I am scared of losing my friend, my wife, to that bastard known as cancer.
I roll over in the night and she is there, even sleeping she lazily smiles at me with the brightness of a thousand suns. She holds me in a way that even I can’t explain. I sleep well because her rhythmic breaths sooth me so. A touch of the hand, a brush of the leg, a heavy sigh, they all lend to the comfort that can be sleep. And yet now no matter how positive things are looking in regards to her health, no matter what is happening in our lives there will always be an unknown. The unknown is Leukemia and it will remain hovering over us for the rest of our lives.
How many days do we have? Is it a year, three, five, ten or twenty? What is the outcome and why can’t we know. Doesnt the cosmic powers that be, the holy heavens above know we have children? Doesnt anyone understand the importance of this woman seeing her children grow up, get married, have children of their own? Doesnt my selfish rant have some bearing on our future? Although ultimately, knowing might not make things any easier, bitching about it now in a rudimentary way is cleansing.
Darkness creeps slowly, with it sounds of others sleeping makes me inevitably jealous. Closing my eyes, squeezing them tight, praying sleep will come quickly for exhaustion consumes my very being. Reaching out slowly, nervously grasping a small bead like switch, turning off the light, which instantly turns on a fear. With this fear comes loneliness, with loneliness comes a absurdity in regards to wasted time worrying about an emotion that shouldnt be there since she lays right beside me, healthy (as healthy as one can be) and alive.
I hate you darkness! My heart beats faster, my respiratory rate rises and it becomes easier each time to hate you more! You envelop me, smothering me like a blanket, restraining me as a straitjacket would.. Your coldness leaves me sweating, wallowing in ice water and before I know it I just can’t swim anymore. Darkness you take pleasure in ruining my life, keeping me from the sanity so many others enjoy by midnight. You are to busy feeding my thoughts and dreams waiting for the cloak and dagger game you play to emerge from the shadows. I hate you darkness, I god damn hate you..
So many are wondering what its like, how your life changes upon learning someone you love has Leukemia or cancer. The questions are normal and I love being able to answer them. I am very thankful it is me who gets to support this woman. I am thankful God found a job for me that falls within my realm of understanding. I am thankful that I can hold this woman up, and help her walk through the next 6 months of chemotherapy surrounded by nothing more than our will and love. Most people wonder if there is something more, if there is something better they should be doing with their lives. Not me, God gave me my job, its right in front of me and she loves me to the moon and back. I don’t want to disappoint her, I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to be alone.. Selfish as it seems…
Fuck you darkness, I hate you, I hate you all to hell….
(Please understand this is just a rant. I am fine, we will prevail, we will kick cancers ass! I am not looking for sympathy or pity, but helping those understand some of the irrational thoughts happening when you are alone, in the middle of the night, trapped with nothing more than the unknown and a crazy brain that refuses to quit thinking. It is after all why I write…)
2 thoughts on “The Faces of Leukemia (December 14, 2013)”
Take a deep breath……let it out slowly concentrating on just the air going out of your body……..and then ask God to bring the sleep you so urgently need. It works for me
Thoughts and prayers are with you…you are not ever alone in this battle!