Tag: bone marrow transplant

365 days

theycallmebetty7 Comments

One year-365 days

The day before yesterday I awoke to my phone buzzing incessantly on my leg. I had traveled back to the firehouse for an emergency recall as emergency units were fighting a stubborn structure fire and additional manpower was needed for daily operations. After changing into my uniform, checking the operations board, determining who went where and why. A moment came where I dropped into a chair to catch a minute while enjoying the air-conditioning. It is the last thing I remember. That is until my phone started buzzing upon my leg.

Answering it, my wife started talking and I quickly realized I had no idea what she was saying. Not only did I have no idea what she was saying but I didn’t know where I was, who I was, or why I was sitting in a chair inside the firehouse. I panicked and thought shit something is wrong, why is she calling? She is at the hospital what has happened? Is it bad news? Is she ok and once again, HOW THE HELL DID I END UP AT WORK!!! Had I been there for a couple a days? Was this my shift? CRAP!!! I was lost..

The entire time my inner self is freaking the hell out, my wife is simply asking me when I am coming home for dinner? When I didn’t answer she would simply ask me again.

This morning when I awoke to head off to work, I awoke alone. Seeing no one there, I panicked for a second, took a breath, cleared my eyes then remembered as I have reminded myself on multiple occasions she wasn’t in the hospital. Odds are she is probably downstairs in her recliner after another long, horrible, sleepless night filled with coughing and pain. Instead watching Netflix with her headset on, and most likely snuggled up in a blanket trying her best to let me sleep.

A year ago Jacy received a bone marrow transplant. Today, according to BMT lore is her new birthday. A new birthday is given to every transplant patient upon receiving their transplant. This transplant saved her life. We are, and will be forever grateful for such a generous, selfless gift given without hesitation by a person we have never met. Modern medicine is amazing and I find myself in awe at what these treatments have afforded our family.

But it has not come without a cost.

I wake up disoriented and confused all the time! Exhaustion is a standard of living for me. I can’t fall asleep until after midnight. I fill my time doing laundry, cleaning house or simply watching television while she lays beside me. But even then I am watching carefully, listening to her breathe, judging her every movement. I do my best by allowing her the freedom to make decisions on her own in regards to her day, energy exertion and tasks she wishes to complete on her own. Never overstepping my bounds but asserting myself when I think she may have done too much or is planning to take on more than she can handle. Of course who am I to say what she can, or can’t handle? This is Jacy after all and she is going to tell me what she can or cannot do. Then when things don’t go as planned I just smile a sly smile and without saying; “I told you so”, help her get to where she needs to be. Most of my days are spent working outside for a while, then coming inside to make sure she is surviving and comfortable; certainly being inside also has to do with the current heat spell we are experiencing; trying my best to get the hard stuff done before it becomes too hot. In the morning I generally awaken at first light, toss and turn, trying to sleep just a little longer which may or may not get me to 0630. Then its coffee with the wife and my day begins.

It is as though w have Bone Marrow Transplant PTSD. I panic at anything in regards to her health, position, status, whereabouts, etc.. It is hard to love someone with all your heart, be their caregiver, take care of children, work, run a household and ranch all while trying to remember it is all going to be ok and you should probably take a moment or two for yourself.

The phone calls, updates, a year of hearing it’s all going to be fine then 5 days later you are signing DNR paperwork. The next weeks prognosis is good, but a few days later she is back in ICU. She is going to live, she is going to die. She is a miracle from GOD, she praying to GOD. She is kissing her children, she is praying for one more day with them. Doctors patting you on the back and smiling. Doctors patting you on the back while they sit you down to explain some very serious complications. The amazing amount of time you have, alone in your car, traveling 2-3 hours one way, hoping to spend more than a couple hours with her awake, knowing it is not her fault as heavy medication kept her from any form of alertness.

For a year I have watched the very same medications saving her life wither her body away to nothing. Taking away muscle and tone she worked so hard for so long to achieve. Leaving skin and bone in its aftermath, tearing away at her self-esteem. I have watched as hair has fallen off, skin has flaked away leaving lesions, blotching and discoloration covering her body. I have held her as impaired vision causes her pain, balance issues and nausea.

She cries a little each time we go back to Stanford, afraid some nurse or doctor will admit her. She lives in constant fear that if she does get sick she is doomed. She has mini panic attacks when calling her doctor or making an appointment for the same reasons. The slightest sniffle or cough leads to worry as a fever or discolored sputum brings doubt as to her overall health.

A year has gone by and our children are no longer the same. Learning about life and hardship, struggle, pain, sickness and survival. They will never look at a hospital or doctor’s office the same way again. Our youngest feels that if you go to a hospital the odds of coming home right away are very slim. They no longer know the mother who rode horses, or played sports, gardened and ran the perimeter of our property. No a year has gone and with it all expectations of normalcy.

But I am not writing this to be a downer, because although it has been an extremely difficult year and continues to bring struggles to our family, it has also been of year of immense growth.

365 days of love, caring and a town that never quit supporting our family. Never did I have to worry about whether my children would have a meal, or a place to go hang out, friends to play with, or a parent to help them. My oldest learned what it meant to be a BIG brother. Not just their brother, but one who cares for them, keeps them safe and ensures they stick to their schedule. We are pretty sure they also ruined him for ever having children.

Those children who can’t play soccer, go camping or ride horses and bicycles with their mom anymore have instead learned the importance in taking care of another human being. They have also through helpful guidance from myself and their older brother (as mentioned above) learned how to take care of themselves. Has it been perfect? NO! Have they all made mistakes, some larger than others? YES! Have I screwed up numerous times trying my best to parent from afar while at Stanford? HELL YES! But after this bout of family struggle in their lives I have no doubt our children will grow into fine adults who will undoubtedly help others along the way. Something (compassion) a parent wishes for from the time their children are born. Do our children want things to be the way they were before? YEP, but they also know we cannot go backwards and though it has been challenging they are ready for whatever lays ahead happy with the knowledge mom survived and mom is home.

 

Those medications her and I despise are keeping her alive and with each day comes another opportunity to interact with not only her family, her children, but her friends as well. She still feels as though there is work here on this planet for her to do and although each day taking 23 medications three times a day is a struggle. It is a struggle worth the price. I remember her saying one time that if GOD would grant her the ability to survive she would be content just watching her children grow from the comfort of her easy chair. We all know that isn’t enough for our Jacy and it really doesn’t matter what those medications have done to her outer appearance. The inside is still the magnanimous, charismatic, hilarious, moody, determined, intelligent, caring, loving, the woman we all know. That my friends is all that matters. A teacher once asked me; what will you do when your looks are gone? I can say without a doubt that if we have the love of family, friends and most of all ourselves. Then looks never really mattered anyways did they?

As far as constantly being exhausted, worrying about everything from my wife, to our ranch, long term finances, our children’s welfare, work and beyond? It has been a reality check, and a very long exhausting two years. From first being diagnosed with Leukemia to her having the Bone Marrow Transplant. I am tired, so very tired, I am overweight and I don’t feel all that great, my inner confidence is waning and some days I feel as though I am drowning. But I also know this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I married an incredible woman, God gave me a second chance at life by introducing us. It is within our nature as human beings to complain and as much as I despise complaining I have done it a time or two, or three, ok maybe half a dozen, yet I wouldn’t trade anything. From the moment we met we both knew we were meant to be together. We both heard and felt a higher power formulating a plan while drawing us together. When we married, she began working to make me a better person, not because she had to, but because you just naturally become one once you are around her. Trust me, I didn’t always like it, we sometimes fought over it as I raged against change. But without her, I am not sure I would be who I am today and for that I am thankful and she deserves all the love and devotion I have to give. So a little exhaustion is fine, some residual hospital PTSD is ok and at some point I am sure I will stop feeling exhausted or falling asleep the moment my body quits moving.

But in the end, as tired as I am, through all the hell our family has been through, thanks to God, great friends and family along with Jacy’s incredible will power, she is still here on her new birthday, and for that I will be forever grateful.

kids

 

 

 

Oh how the wheels turn…

theycallmebetty1 Comment

I knew this time was different when we pulled into the entryway. A dozen or so cars all waiting to either move or be moved, patiently we sat in silence. As we made our way to the front of the line you could feel the tension. Slowly crawling to a halt, she simply looked at me, opened the door and quietly muttered; I’ll see you in a bit, I love you.

Jacy hadn’t been feeling good. She always has a cough, has had one since January 2 when she was released from Stanford and sent home. It is associated with GvHD but as of late it has gotten stronger and raspier. Several nights she spent coughing, tossing and turning, not only to the cough but a stomach ache, headache and over all exhaustion. The type of exhaustion that actually leaves you wide awake, praying for sleep, any sleep to come and come quickly. Each rising of the sun signaled defeat for her and mentally it was taking its toll.

Then came Monday night.

Monday she awoke with a fever. A fever is fine, it means her new immune system is trying its very hardest to work. A fever over 100.4 is bad! It signals her system is about to become inundated, unable to handle whatever is causing her grief. She hovered all night at 99.8/99.9 worrying it would tip the scales against her in which case we head straight to Stanford, do not pass go, do not collect $200.00 dollars! (Sorry for the monopoly reference)

It was a very long night.

It took quite a bit of hounding only because my wife is super stubborn but I finally convinced her to call her doctor. Jacy’s stubbornness is not born out of neglect for her own care but instead out of fear! Fear she will walk through those large glass doors at Stanford and be held prisoner for another 8 months. She has bad dreams where she is back and they won’t let her leave. Crying, sobbing, and pleading to just let her go home. This of course is no reflection on the care given at Stanford! Quite the contrary, there is no other place she would rather be when in need. The staff is amazing and we still cannot say enough about the nursing care. It is derived from an imprisonment away from life and her family for which she nor anyone I suppose could ever have imagined! 8 months is an eternity.

Once she put down the phone I knew instantly we were headed back. They promised it was just to check her out but as that little voice in the back of your head tells you; there is more to it than that!

The next day somberly we loaded into the car. Jacy tried her hardest not to cry as we crept out of the driveway. Looking back as our place grew smaller she withdrew, finding something on the radio so as to not talk or focus on the unknown. It was the longest 2 ½ hour ride ever.

I’ll see you in a bit, I love you.

The door closed, I pulled away heading towards the parking structure two blocks away. Walking back I kept telling myself it was going to be an easy fix, they would give her some medication and send us home. (Of course life experience told me different, it was just easier to play dumb and lie to myself.) No stay, no hospital and no more fear raging deep inside. Apparently I have Stanford PTSD for as I walked closer to the building my chest tightened up, my heart rate accelerated and it became hard to breath. Why? Because deep down inside I knew she was going to stay.

Once inside I found her room, testing had already begun. Doing my best to make her laugh, we once again found the Stanford staff to be exceptional. Killing time while we waited I turned on the SF Giants game, they were facing the Atlanta Braves, it was a nice distraction as it was the first time in forever we both were able to sit in the same room and watch the game together.

After a couple of hours, with a chest X-ray under our belt it became apparent they were going to admit her to the hospital. Jacy’s oxygen saturation levels were extremely low which explained her need to sleep for what seemed like 20 hours a day. This news was of course devastating. Jacy kept insisting we could go home and come back the next day, but there was no way they were going to let us travel with her sat numbers so low. We also had another issue. Where to put her. Stanford was at maximum capacity, as in no beds available! The suggestion came down to place her in the Emergency room until a bed could open up. This was not going to happen! The consensus was she needed an isolation room as to limit her exposure to any germs or viruses, yet placing her in this (ER) contaminated place was the answer? Uh NO!

Repeatedly her doctor reaffirmed she would be moved as soon as possible. Jacy would look at me and just as quickly I would reaffirm my stance which was indeed our stance of NO. We would drive home, take the two hour risk of low O2 numbers until she could be hooked up to her own oxygen machine over being left in the ER for who knows how long. The doctor very politely took a stronger position trying to explain all the associated risks for which we already knew, but we held our ground. Isolation room or we go home. What she didn’t know because I am not one of those people is; because of my job I already knew the risks, knew the low percentage of something dire actually happening and had one ace in the whole. There (an exaggeration) are like 92 fire houses between here and home that at any moment I could pull into and receive instant care for any breathing emergency that might arise. But I was extremely confident considering her presentation that would not be an issue.

Jacy’s nurse came in 30 minutes later to have her verbally state her stance or refusal to be sent to the ER for which we chuckled as you could plainly see he was working on a plan. There just seemed to be a gleam in his eye that showed he was up to something good! And he was! Long story short, our nurse pulled some strings, made numerous phone calls and worked it so after the ITC (Infusion Treatment Center) was closed Jacy could stay in her little room until an isolation room opened up in the main hospital. He stayed behind on his own, after everyone had left to ensure she didn’t get moved to the ER. He was incredibly caring and amazing. Once again the staff of Stanford inspires me.

We arrived at noon and now 10 hours later, Jacy was in her own room, terrified but understanding of the situation. She had already received her first doses of medication and was getting ready to start another round. The treatments were to be every 8 hours for a couple days. When I walked out the door to head home at 10:30pm I was both relieved and sad. Relieved she would finally get the care she needed to breath properly again. Relieved she was being examined for any other complications or hidden problems that may arrive, relieved that she was in the very best of care, relieved that so many people care about my amazing wife. Sad that we were here. Even though I knew when we walked out in January we would not do so unscathed. Sad that I was walking these halls once again, alone. Sad that I was driving home once again, alone. Terrified once again of the unknown and sad that our children were seeing mom disappear once again to be left alone.

Thankfully, we are a tight family and we have faith to keep us strong.

 

UPDATE: Just received the phone call!!!! I am headed to pick her up right now. She is coming home! Her voice sounds great! Her lungs sound clear! Prayers, good vibes, powerful thoughts of positive energy all worked yet again!!! Another obstacle hurdled!!!

6/4/2016 @ 11:00 am

 

 

 

 

 

The Journey

theycallmebetty2 Comments

Thursday we made our bi-weekly or so, journey to Stanford. These required visits are needed so doctors may track Jacy’s constant state of GvHD.  Whether it be dealing with a pulmonary function test, her intestinal tract, eyeballs, skin or simply drawing blood to determine antibody needs we always arrive nervous, expecting the worst but hoping for the best as in serious signs of improvement. These appointments can range from down and dirty, leaving us with more time on the road than actually inside any facilities, to eternally trapped on campus with no place to retreat between sessions! Moving from one appointment to another with sometimes more than an hour or two in between visits. We laugh at each other for it has become the only alone time we ever receive and of course nothing is more romantic than swooning surrounded by similarly sick people or holding hands beneath the deep shadow cast from a set of IV pumps inside a sterile chamber. On this particular day Jacy was meeting with her primary Doctor which is always a treat. She loves seeing Dr. Muffly and always comes away feeling as though she just spent time with a friend. But first a 4 hour IV infusion of antibodies to boost her multi layered, still very confused immune system. After that a little round of pulmonary function testing and then it’s back on the road to hash it out with every Bay Area commuter trying their best to get home in under 3 hours. Of course the first hour is fun for me as I play a time honored game started with my son Parker that centers on the Toyota Prius. Much like the road game slug bug only the Prius takes its place. We also play the car spotting game, Tesla, Ferrari, Audi, and Porsche. It is fun driving through a community where the majority of vehicles on the road are green or simply cost more than my house. Ahhhh to have that kind of disposable cash….. We pulled into Stanford’s Cancer center turn around at 10:30 am after a leisurely 3 hour traffic jammed ride when my wife suggested I find something to do other than sit by her side for 4 hours during her infusion. Now normally I would have balked at this absurd suggestion as I have always believed a husbands place is by his wife’s side, no matter what! But today she was right, I needed some Betty time. Time to reflect and be alone. Time for just me with no one needing me for anything. Trapped in the center of Silicon Valley with no excuses to hide behind, that is just what I chose to do and with a kiss, a hearty good luck and I’ll see you in a while, this guy headed out alone.

Where to go, where to go????

I thought about going to the Tesla store but I knew then I would want one and since that type of purchase is nowhere in our future I turned the old faithful 200,000 mile wagon left instead of right. Of course this also eliminated the Ferrari store, the Audi store and who couldn’t pretend car shop without sitting inside a Porsche 911 4S! To dream ah to dream.. First retreat I chose to patron was a little restaurant I have passed a hundred times. A quaint little place nestled in the hills above Palo Alto. A place I have yearned for my world to stop just long enough so I may cross its gastric threshold, yet there never seems to be enough time. Today would be different. When I pulled into the parking lot the first thing to hit me was a smell of ancient redwoods filling my nostrils. Walking up to this small, shake covered hut, heavenly aromas wafted across the open plane. Stepping onto a huge well seated porch I quickly took my place silently amongst some of my favorite people in the whole world. Bikers

That’s right Bikers, masters of the motorized two wheel sleds. Throttle squeezing, leather wearing, Carbon fiber covered, alloy loving, helmet adorning, race pipe thundering, high rev, revving BIKERS! Eating my breakfast a Cheshire cat smile glistened as I listened to each story about the mornings ride, or a previous ride or a tale about someone else’s unbelievably adventurous ride. Tech talk at table two involving power commanders and horsepower. New heads for table fives Harley and a freshly painted fairing to boot! I could almost feel a bike running underneath me! It was good to be back amongst these folks. Gazing across the landscape I recalled many of my bikes from days past. A simple street cruiser, bench seat KZ500, my very first Harley! I could still sense the raw power and throaty noise coming from one of my customs while aching for the sheer arm stretching torque produced by my ZX12R which had quite a few modifications. Each motorcycle reserving a special place in my heart, leaving me smiling, content and hoping I’ll know that feeling again. Yeah, someday day, I’ll be back. After settling up with the waitress I drove down the road a ways to a state park where walking off breakfast sounded like a good idea. Parking the car, walking to the trail head I chose a direction and headed out across this large open field. Working my way along the hillside there arose a bench in the distance. Reaching that bench I couldn’t help but laugh as I read the plaque inlaid upon its top plank. It was quite simply labeled “Bobs Bench”. Taking a seat the view was amazing. I thought to myself somehow dad knows I’m here, sitting on a bench with his name and wondering how he is doing. In return I knew he was looking down upon me, letting me know he’s watching over Jacy. He loved her so, they bantered back and forth and in reality the old man lived for her calling him out for his shortcomings.

Strolling farther down the path it felt as though the weight of my world had left for a bit, a beautiful fern laden path, some ancient trees, and even a few Mountain Lion tracks made this the perfect hike. I lost track of time and before you know it I had traveled 4 miles. It was glorious! Now I will say this, when deciding upon an impromptu adventure, ensure you retain alternate apparel somewhere in your vehicle for just such an occasion, for as I discovered the hard way; Vans are not for hiking! Just saying!

Back at the car I made it three miles down the road when Jacy called to say she was almost finished. Perfect timing. Picking her up some lunch then circling back into the Stanford Cancer Centers turnaround she climbed inside already a bit exhausted. We headed over to the main hospital where we arrived very early for her last appointment, a pulmonary function test. Luckily we didn’t have to wait very long and before we knew it back on the road we were, heading for home.

I thanked my wife for the wonderful morning, and I told her all about the day’s events. She told me about her appointments but before long she was drifting off to sleep. We weren’t 30 minutes into traffic when Jacy’s head nodded its final nod, resting gently towards the door, looking completely tuckered out.

These trips are hard on her and so is the process of recovery. She tires of being exhausted all the time and doesn’t understand why she just isn’t healing or regaining any of her former strength and vitality. Jacy is very thankful to have survived, to have fought as incredibly hard as she did, but the longing to just be normal, to ride horses, to help her kids, to be a teacher again surrounded by children who aren’t hers, but in reality are very much her children has become overwhelming for her at times. It is hard as her husband to see her in pain, to see her struggle, to see her longing for the past. As a man I am a fixer by nature and I can’t fix this, I can’t make it better, I can’t take it from her and make it my own.

The best I can do is support her, listen when she needs an ear, stay quiet when she screams at the ceiling, give advice when she asks for it and when my wife says to go do something on my own. In this case a journey within the monthly journey.  Do it, enjoy it, and thank her for it afterwards for without her coaxing me to do so, I wouldn’t. I would stay right by her side, making sure she is ok and telling her just how special she is to me.

I cant wait until the both of us can sit on Bobs Bench.

bobs bench

 

The road home and transition.

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It is official, as of right now, Jacy is home for good! Tuesday we traveled from Stanford to Kaiser then over to Saratoga and when all was said and done, 14 hours had flown by, the car was loaded with all her belongings from the apartment and I had one very tuckered lady on my hands.

Our schedule currently remains the same. Once or twice a week we will continue making a roughly 2 ½ hour trip into Stanford for her doctor’s appointments. These appointments will ensure we are continuing down the right path, juggling a fine line between steroids and immunosuppresses. Blood draws, counts checked, dietary regimen consistently re-examined and of course there remains those damn pesky lungs that refuse to heal! We still are incredibly careful when it comes to her exposures and because of the high risk being at the ranch, she rarely makes it outside for more than a few minutes to enjoy her homestead surroundings.

Jacy’s body has made no real progress, we are in a serious holding pattern. Being in a holding pattern isn’t so bad, her doctors agree as long as she doesn’t slide backwards it will be counted as a win! Unfortunately not making any real progress is weighing heavy on her mind as she sees all of us hustling around taking care of everything. The go getter inside her is screaming to come out and play! But she can’t, she doesn’t have the strength or energy so rest is the order of the day, every day. She does her best to put in some light exercise to stimulate her atrophied muscles in hopes of getting back to normal sooner than later.  So a holding pattern is where we remain, and regardless of her progress after talking with her doctors we all agreed home is where she should be, in her own bed, watching her children, resting. No mother should have to be away from their children and regardless of her condition, just being able to converse with her kids face to face daily is all the medicine she needs.

My wife is constantly telling me she is sorry. For what?? I tell her she has nothing to apologize for but she doesn’t want to hear it. Jacy cannot believe everything I’m able to get done on my own and only wishes to ease some of this burden. To be honest I am exhausted, all the time, and some days am amazed myself how much this completely disorganized fool accomplishes! From sun up to sun down there isn’t a moment away from work that I am not moving. But there are no serious complaints. My wife is alive and that’s all that really matters to me. Making sure everyone else in my family is happy, healthy and participating in life is what’s important to us both and if that means little sleep and running all over this county daily well that just happens to be a side effect of our current condition. But she has nothing to ever feel sorry for, trust me when she is healthy again I will turn over the reins with a giant smile on my face and love in my heart.

Life is what you make of it. I personally have always believed there will be many times life turns on you, piling more and more on top of what you already believe you can handle and it’s what you do during those times that dictates the life you choose to live. It doesn’t mean you always like what’s happening or are even able to find a positive from the situation. Trust me the black cloud following our name has hung around way too damn long! But you can’t just roll up in a ball and quit either. There is always a plan and just because you cannot see the whole picture right now doesn’t mean you should ever think of giving up! I was taught strength comes from within the struggle.

I see couples on FB having drinks, wine tasting with friends, hiking in the mountains or on grand adventures around the globe and jealously sets in for a bit. It is so easy taking for granted just two short years ago that was us! We were shooting selfies at the bar or in the country somewhere on horseback! Snuggling under the moonlight, walking hand in hand in Haiti or simply enjoying dinner out with family! I long for the day she gets irritated while out on an evening walk because I am moving to slow! When I think about how much I would rather be on horse today, I remind myself that Jacy would much rather be anywhere but stuck in bed, with oxygen plumbed to her face and fluids flowing freely into her arm! Sleeping away large sections of the day, brought down through medication like an animal hit by a tranquilizer gun! I remind myself that my most important job in life is her, never taking it personally when she snaps at me exhausted from a long day of medications, travel and doctors, meanwhile cherishing every second she is able to snuggle and hold me, looking in my eyes the way she does filling my heart with love.

This whole process over these last two years has taken so much from her both physically and mentally and I am so grateful having her by my side once again. There is no doubt this will be an amazingly long road to recovery but it doesn’t matter because she is home, her numbers are holding, we have our family, friends, prayer and hopefully a little luck finally shining through that black cloud, chasing it away.

Its been a long road home, but home is good and family is even better..

 

 

 

A little stronger bit by bit…

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Another week has come and gone. On Tuesday we head back for Jacy’s now weekly checkup. She is happy to be home and finally feels at ease with herself. Mentally there can be no place to better prepare yourself for this long journey than home. Home is a medicine that you cannot prescribe, cannot pretend to be a part of or ignore out of fear.

When she came home for the first time a week back she sobbed at its sight. I on the other hand hadn’t realized that I have come to take home for granted. Each day wandering its fence lines, complaining about every broken bit needing repair and quirky little abnormalities that drive me insane about our little house on the prairie. When I walk in the door each night I stare at the unfinished front room, sigh at out 30 year old kitchen with broken tiles and antique (by today’s standards) stove. Heading upstairs it’s obvious our carpet is shot, the staircase needs rebuilding and every room could use a new coat of paint. I know it’s no different than how most people feel when looking at what could be reinvented within their own homes but for me it’s become a sign of failure.

Then Jacy walks in, so happy to be inside our house she begins praising each and every goofy ass part of it! Why? Because it is her home. She has been gone for 8 months, she never thought she would see this recycled, eclectic domicile again! Looking at her swollen eyes, the happiness written upon her face, she stands, shaking, crying, appreciating every little bit of it! I feel like a blind buffoon. So worried about what others think when they come over, what they see when they come inside and for what? Nothing. It is our home, a place we have struggled to keep, a roof over our head my wife loves so much she fought the battle of her life, for her life to come back too. Seeing her so happy to be here, squeezing me and telling me just how important it is for her to be home. How could I be anything but grateful for all we have accomplished together? All that we have.

Jacy worries about her children and what not being home has done for them. They have learned to be self-sufficient, but they have also learned to be without a parent as Cody has taken care of them while I have been either at work or visiting her. Do they still need her, will she feel they still need her, and will she really be able to do anything with them while she is home are all questions running rampant in her brain. She stays inside every day, too scared to step out into our world of country organisms and spores so any activity must be house based. But to her, just being in the house as a presence is better than absence and reinforces there are two parents to love and care for our children.

She never wants to leave. Each time we load up to head back she becomes nervous. Scared that she may be sliding backwards or after a run of tests the news won’t be so good. Whenever we pull out of the driveway she becomes quiet and very focused as our home becomes smaller, hidden within road dust of our car. I cannot fathom what level of fear courses through her system as we get further from home and closer to Stanford. It is home that she thinks of during her appointments as well. Every question centered on the latest information and how that coincides with her being inside her house for an even longer period of time. Always searching for more to help her feel the healing powers of home.

This week when we go back on Tuesday they will permanently remove her eyelashes in hopes it will accelerate the recovery from GvHD of her eyes. Her eyelashes have grown inward and are scratching her corneas. We will also be looking for some hopeful weight gain as she has been hovering steady in the 114 pound range. I have worked hard at feeding her very well this week even when she hasn’t wanted to eat so my fingers are crossed! I figure she needs to gain some of the 20+ pounds I have gained through this process and I am more than happy to give her all I got!!

Everything else in regards to her recovery has remained the same. GvHD of the gut is still mildly there, same with the bladder, although the bladder is doing quite well. She is still fighting GvHD of the skin, lungs and of course her eyes. There remains a fine balance between steroids and immunosuppressors to keep either the GvHD at bay or any form of infection/virus that may try to engage her system. She has made great strides in her strength as she can now climb our stairs, although the Rocky theme music and dancing at the top is getting a little overdone!

So we trudge onward, little by little, day by day and through the generous thoughts of many we continue to win this fight.

I have seen something else under the sun: the race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong. –Ecclesiastes 9:11

 

Welcome home Ms. Jacy..

theycallmebetty5 Comments

Eight long months Jacy has been away from her home. She has wondered many times if she would ever set foot upon this ground again. A place set deep in her heart where we laid a foundation for family. Many sleepless nights filled with fear, never knowing what’s lingering around the corner in regards to treatment. Waiting, sometimes not so patiently for her life to change, either succumbing to this nasty beast raging inside or feeling a warmth associated with victory shining upon her tired face.

Today all that changes

This morning after a series of appointments inside Stanford’s Medical Center Jacy Mirelle Franceschi will climb into our family mini-van for a two hour drive back home where she will step foot once again firmly on Blue Sky Ranch ground! Jacy has been given a green light to a three day pass! A required experiment to see how she handles being a little further from her Stanford safety net. To date Jacy’s numbers are holding and Stanford is doing their best to slim down her appointment schedule. Jacy still has severe GvHD and needs regular treatment, but there comes a point where it’s better to throw caution to the wind, allowing her to come home for small segments so she may become mentally stronger. Hopefully this will boost her spirits, work a little on some depression and help her body to heal faster. It is and will be a momentous occasion, and at the risk of sounding cliché; to say we are excited is an understatement!

As excited as we ALL are we are also completely terrified! During this last week we have been working on sterilizing a farm house! Let that sink in for a moment, two words that just don’t go together, sterilization and farmhouse. It has been an extremely hard project, and thankfully we have been blessed with some awesome assistance! (Thank you Alisa, Isabelle, Cody, Jake, Jessica and Lynette)The house is clean, neat and smells fantastic! Yet the house is only one issue we must face, from this point forward we must work to keep it hospital clean in combination with watching what we bring into this rickety old structure! This is going to be no easy task. But the alternative is unacceptable.

Here is a little explanation of how things will change. Starting tomorrow whenever a family member goes out to the barn and works horses, show pigs or sheep, they must strip down and shower putting fresh clothes on before coming in contact with Ms. Jacy. Why? Because spores, organisms and germs can enter our beloved family member through her lungs, causing her GvHD to expand sending her on a one way trip back to the hospital! Our dogs must be bathed constantly as to not cross contaminate or carry any spores into her area. Jacy must be protected from the sun at all times, continue with a regimented treatment of 23 medications 3 times a day, two breathing treatments a day and oxygen therapy at night while she sleeps as her saturation levels drop during this period due to GvHD of the lungs. She is still dealing with GvHD in her intestines as well so her diet is being watched as food doesn’t seem to stay with her, leaving her unable to gain any weight. She is also dealing with GvHD of the eyes which leaves her vision incredibly blurry one day with moderate vision the next. Later next week she will have her eyelashes permanently removed hoping to limit damage being done to her corneas. This along with her tear ducts being plugged will hopefully promote more inner moisture and further the healing process. It also means we need to limit the amount of dust and dirt her eyes come in contact with and keep on a regimented medicated eye drop treatment. Oh by the way speaking of dust and dirt, if you have been to my house/ranch then you know we are BIG on recycling products for re-use! Guess what? All the reclaimed concrete that constitutes 3-4 inches of depth on all our drivable areas? (Driveway, pathways, barn circle) well she can’t be exposed to it. The doctors are worried about all those nasty little bugs and germs crawling around in the dust associated with concrete breaking down. Yeah it’s going to be a scary tough go, but those are just some of the things we must consider to keep her healthy.

Ok enough of the scary stuff, now the good stuff.

None of us can wait until she is here! Just the thought of walking onto the property after all this time is more than I can comprehend. Today my wife will finally sit with her family, eat her own food, and laugh as she tries to wear her old clothes (she currently weighs 110). She can sit in her own living room able to look out at the ranch and see all her beloved animals spread across our property. Tonight, she will shower in her own bathroom, watch TV in her own bed, sleep next to her husband and wake up the next day wondering if she has won the “I get to be home” lottery.

Just think about it for a moment. Think about what that would mean to you, if you had traveled the very same path. I think about it all the time, night and day. I think about what she must be feeling, where her head is at right now and how can I make a difference. With that being said; since I know my wife occasionally reads my blog I say this.

Jacy

8 months ago you headed out of our driveway knowing you would be home in 3-4 months because you were going to conquer this thing called Leukemia like you have conquered everything in your life. With style, class, a smile on your face and the ferocity of a lion! 5 months ago you stay positive but things really weren’t looking so good. Multiple problems and a case of GvHD the likes very few had seen. You began struggling mentally and physically because the odds were stacked against you and it looked as though options were running thin. Four months ago you weren’t any stronger and terms like Power of Attorney and DNR or Do Not Resuscitate orders are being thrown around with a palpable seriousness no one could fully comprehend. You still fight; Scared and tired, some days wanting to throw in the towel yet you continue enduring pain, nausea, poking and prodding with that same patented smile we all love so. Meanwhile the only sleep you receive is either drug induced or through sheer exhaustion from being woken every hour for meds, a B.P., temperature check, physical therapy, Infectious disease consults or doctors just making their rounds. Three months ago a glimmer of light, your body turns around just enough to give everyone some hope, especially you! Almost two months ago a New Year’s surprise, your doctors have said we think it’s time for you to go. And go you did, with the very same determination and ferocity you strolled into Stanford with 8 months ago. It is one of a million reasons I admire you as a human being, not just as my wife.

I have no doubt this next chapter starting with three days home here and four days home there will be handled the very same way you handle everything. You are an amazing woman with a family that loves you. It will be difficult and very trying on us all, but mostly on you. But it is without a doubt the last step towards your permanent residency back here where you belong and I cannot wait until the day we saddle up head out across the back 40 and either laugh or cry about this dark time in our lives that we survived together. It will be glorious..

I love you

To everyone else, please say a little prayer for my wife tonight as I am sure this afternoon will be emotional beyond our wildest expectations. Once again for those who have supported our family through these last two years without fail, I cannot thank you enough! We still have a very, long road ahead of us and we are still very scared, but there is no doubt in my mind without all of you praying and caring for us the way you have we wouldn’t be where we are today.

God bless you all,

More to come….

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She loves me..

theycallmebetty12 Comments

Today my wife told me she loved me.

Although not sounding a least bit out of the ordinary there is trepidation in her voice for she is scared. Terrified at any moment somewhere within the vast towering marble and hardwood covered hallways of Stanford there awaits a doctor ready to give her some bad news. Something in the neighborhood of her counts being wrong, or she isn’t improving as well as anticipated. Every breath she takes is met with fret as she analyzes her inspiration and expiration for volume and consistency knowing she is but a cough, wheeze or low oxygen saturation number away from possibly being kidnapped back into the BMT wing. She is a prisoner on parole, hanging with old friends praying one of them isn’t holding drugs or carrying a weapon. Anything that could lead to a quick trip back too the pen.

Two nights ago her temperature shot up after a long day of doctors poking and prodding around her already frail body. Slowly it crept up 98.9, 99 then 100. When her temperature reached 100.4 alarm bells were sounded! Of course one cannot reach a temperature of 100.4 at 2 in the afternoon, that would be a simple problem to handle! No scary situations always happen in the middle of the night when no one, even the affected wants to get up and go anywhere! But time means nothing for you see at 100.4 if held consistently for an hour with two matching readings it’s time to call the BMT team immediately! If her temperature reaches 101, we notify the BMT team then load up our car for a one way trip back to the Stanford hotel! So to say my wife is constantly on edge is an understatement. Her nerves are definitely raw.

Every day she wakes up and consciously tries her hardest to put on a brave face! She started 26 months ago by telling Leukemia it wasn’t going to win, it wasn’t going to take her from her children! Now every morning she prays GvHD doesn’t have the last word! She is incredibly strong but with strength comes doubt! Every time she looks in the mirror at herself and sees what GvHD has done to her skin, body and hair she wonders what more could this horrible side effect of transplantation do to her already ravaged body? Each day she gets out of bed alone because I am 80 miles away at home and she wonders what we are doing, is her family ok, are her kids doing well in school, and how on earth am I handling it all by myself. This of course leaves her feeling a bit out of control in regards to her life which in turn leaves her feeling stressed and disconnected. Her whole life is on hold and she fears that it will never be the same, that she will never be the same which desperately leaves her longing for the days before Leukemia ruined everything. This becomes a cumulating effect that slowly tears away at her spirits leaving her often times depressed.

So she tells me she loves me again, not just because she does love me but because she also feels a little insecure about herself. Afraid of what this disease and its after affects can do to a relationship. There are plenty of stories out there, we have heard time and again where the husband/wife has left their spouse high and dry. Marriages of years are dissolved because two people are no longer on the same page. Time, distance and illness erasing years of love, honor and cherish! It is the saddest indication of our throwaway society transcending from disposable tangible objects to human characteristics. I cannot even fathom throwing away our marriage over this bump in the road. When I look in her eyes and see her smile I only see the woman I married many years ago, not the woman she claims to see every morning in the mirror.

Last night as I slept alongside her, humidifying oxygen machine loudly pumping in the background while sounds of her wheezing, gurgling and occasionally gasping for air filled the room. I wondered what she was dreaming about and if she was comfortable enough. I wondered how I could make this transition easier for her, whether there was something I could do or say to make things better, give her the confidence she needs to go another day away from her family, help her to see there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel while also reassuring her none of us are going anywhere. While I lay there worrying about everything, she slowly reaches out, hand searching desperately and when she finds my hip, she takes a deep breath, gives it a pat and is right back asleep with a slight smirk on her face.

I don’t need to do anything. I just need to be there. That is the answer.

I quietly whisper not to worry, I love you too….

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Goodbye Stanford

theycallmebetty24 Comments

2015 has come and gone.

Quite frankly it can kiss my ass.

If the first day of 2016 is any indication of things to come, then we are headed down the right path for change.

At approximately 4:21 in the afternoon of December 31st 2015, my wife Jacy Franceschi walking under her own power stepped out of Stanford Hospitals E1 BMT wing a mere 30 hours after 2015 gave its final shot to our family with the loss of my father.

jacy leaving

Take that 2015! That’s right suck on that! You can go to hell you rotten shitty damn year! You tried your best to take everything away from me, you tried your best to destroy our family! 2013 and 14 really had me weak and on the ropes but neither of you got us and you 2015, well you failed to finish the job! Oh you did your best to bring us down, but I’m not that easy and in the end it wasn’t even me that gave you the last middle finger for you see 2015, my wife was much tougher than us both!

Watching her smile as Heather our nurse disconnected the final IV line from her arm, seeing the light in her eyes grow brighter as each second grew closer to discharge. Packing all her belongings up, which after 6 months was an entire car load and then some. It was an amazing experience.

heather

At 4:15 she put on her HEPA filtered mask, walked to the door of her room, looked around it one last time, took a deep breath and opened her door to freedom. Walking down the hallway she was greeted by the entire working staff. Applauding and cheering with homemade signs congratulating her it was more than she could take. Tears streamed down everyone’s eyes, hugs were had and the pure love from every person who ever made contact with my wife was more than evident.

To say we felt like family while housed in this unit is an understatement. Each person there is special. To be a nurse, nurse’s aide or doctor in that unit is to be a remarkable human being. Every day I walked through those doors to see my wife I felt at ease. Never in the entire 6 months, even when things were rocky did I feel as though I really had to worry. When Jacy was transferred to Intensive care these people fought to get her back where she belonged. There was never a moment where her needs were not met and as is my wife’s personality she made sure every single person within E1 who crossed her path knew just how much she appreciated them.

As we made our way out the door, Jacy cried. I am sure she was crying to finally be free, but I also know she was crying because she was leaving so many special people behind. It is what everyone wanted for her but there is an intimacy that comes from creating bonds with your caregivers and every now and again those bonds become stronger than just the patient caregiver relationship. If you are lucky that happens with one or two, but if you are really lucky it becomes the whole damn staff!

I cannot express adequately just how thankful I am to the entire staff at E1. I tried my best to hug each and every one who was there before we left. To everyone I hugged and to everyone I missed, I love you, you helped save my girl, you always treated myself and my children as though we were your family and for that I am forever grateful.

I never want to see you again!

Just kidding we are coming by to visit!

Jacy got into the car took a deep breath and as we drove away, she sat quietly. Parker asked her if it was weird sitting in a moving car after being in a hospital for so long and she said yes. The 30 minute ride to her dads was silent. I could tell she was taking it all in, and trying her best to not be nauseous.

leaving stanford

We arrived at her dads and were met with hugs and happiness. Moving her belongings into the apartment it became official. We were finally on to stage two.

Her dad had completely repainted and redone the apartment just for Jacy. It is vibrant, comfortable and Jacy loves it! We spent the better part of the afternoon putting away her things and sorting her 23 medications that need to be taken three times a day. Uggh! Makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it! Within a few hours, people dwindled away, Jacy and I were alone for the first time in forever. We talked about the future, upcoming appointments and what it will take to care for her. She finally got a shower with no nurse, no lines, no hospital towels, and a nice soft warm bed to climb into afterwards. She was exhausted and ecstatic all at the same time.

Jacy Franceschi, my wife, my hero, the woman I love and adore, welcomed the New Year in by drifting off to sleep…..

Just the way it should have been….

2016 will bring some major new challenges to our family, but as it arrives and we travel through its first month I want each and every person who follows my blog, has helped my family or has been there for me to actually cry upon to know.

I do love you all and I don’t use that word lightly.

Whether it has been a kind word, uplifting passage, or deed done, I thank you. You are all part of my family. We couldn’t have done this without all of your support. We still have a long road ahead but it feels a little less bumpy and the directions a little easier to follow.

Here is to a happy and blessed 2016.

jacys hand

 

I am not the Grinch!

theycallmebetty4 Comments

This morning while drinking a cup of coffee I stared at our Christmas tree. It is a fine tree, six feet tall, adorned in ornaments collected over the last thirty years. A gorgeous shroud neatly placed around its base (thanks to my daughter) and presents arranged by size to give it that proper appearance. By all collective purposes the perfect holiday tree. But as you know, something has been missing.

The Christmas spirit resides within us all. It is not just expected motions or deeds, it is a humbling of one self, to give without expectations, to seek no reward other than a feeling of self-worth associated with being a little more tolerant of everyone and everything. To look upon your neighbor and say; Merry Christmas! Thankful for all that resides within your life.

My Christmas spirit has been like that funny noise in your car. You hear it constantly, it’s there, but when you take it to a mechanic for repair, it just won’t make any noise and you look a tad bit crazy trying to explain what it sounds like! Yep, I’ve had Christmas spirit I think? But mostly only when I am alone, for the second I am surrounded by people, I begin feeling a little bah humbug and no noise is to be found.

I have tried everything to make it happen! Purchased some egg nog, drank it cold, drank it hot, drank it with a little brandy and got a headache! Hmm is that my heart growing three sizes to small? Went Christmas shopping, didn’t buy anything and grew irritated with the continual rudeness of those around me! Yep feeling a little green poking through my skin. Helping the kids with our Christmas tree, felt giddy throwing the lower branches in the fire and watching them sizzle! GRRRR!!! Grew tired of our Christmas music, took some ibuprophen and drank tea while all three children argued over ornament placement which brought a strange smirk to my face!

What did it all mean? I wasn’t sure, thought maybe it was just a funk from Jacy being gone so long, but then it hit me! We were all lounging around watching How the Grinch stole Christmas and I found myself laughing and secretly high fiving the Grinch’s actions!!! Holy cow! Have I become the Grinch? Is my Christmas spirit gone for good? Am I going to turn green? Nervous with this enlightened moment, I almost had myself talked off this crazy train until Jack waddled in and jumped in my lap chewing on an ornament!!! AHHHHHHHHH! He looks like the Grinches dog! I am doomed!!!!

Replaying many actions over the last few days in my head trying to justify this new found failure the picture became clearer.

Have not moved to Mount Crumpit! Plus!

Trying hard not to live a solitary life. Plus!

My dog Jack, unlike Max is loved and loyal as opposed to unloved and loyal. Big Plus!

I have never thrown All the presents into the abyss! Hmm ok, I am allowed one, right?

And no one named Cindy Lou is pestering me with syrupy sweet kindness, although Jessica is trying her hardest! Plus!

Phew, its official, my heart is not three sizes two small!

Yay!!! I am not becoming the Grinch! So with that revelation let me put on my Santa suit, pat little children on the head while Jack and I load up the sleigh and then hand out the best Christmas present ever!

Jacy is on track to be released to outpatient status! We don’t have an official date yet, but so far it could be as soon as the first week of January barring any unforeseen complications!! Within the last week, she has upped her diet and is eating solid foods! She is motoring around the quad without much assistance, she no longer has a catheter and her bladder has chosen to bleed considerably less! She is getting stronger by the day! It is as though a switch has been thrown and her body is now trying it’s hardest to work! There is still some lung issues we are dealing with but they are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things!

So keep your fingers crossed everybody! Hopefully she will be at her dads within two weeks and we will finally begin phase two of this ordeal! Then if all goes right she will be home by possibly March? Who knows!

Strangly I feel my heart is growing three sizes to large!!

Merry Christmas everyone! May you be surrounded by those you love, may you send love and prayers to those who cannot be with you and may the Christmas spirit always reside within you.

The_Grinch_(That_Stole_Christmas)

 

 

So I sat in a barn..

theycallmebetty12 Comments

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Yesterday after cleaning house, shuttling children, and spending the better part of an afternoon fixing my tractor (something I hadn’t planned on) a feeling of failure for accomplishing none of my daily goals swept over me yet again. Frustrated and tired, I fight a daily battle of just giving up. Wanting more than anything to walk into the house, climb into bed and pray that maybe I’ll just sleep until this is all over. Lucky for me my will is stronger than my lazy ass, feel sorry for myself attitude so I did something I haven’t been able to do in a while.

I walked into the barn and just sat down.

Now for some there could be no understanding of just how important that moment was for me. You see with life running at a hundred miles an hour there is one thing that has been cast aside day after damn day. My horses.

Jake is doing a good job. He is riding them when it’s not raining, making sure stalls are cleaned and they are fed in the morning. One of our borders Ms. Lisa takes care of them all in the afternoon, spreading the very same love and care I would lay upon them if I were here myself. But I am not and that is my mental meltdown.

Mornings of days past haunt me like an elderly hunting dog who can no longer hunt yearning for one more chance. Feeding, walking, riding, cleaning stalls then heading over to another ranch where the rest of my morning and early afternoon are filled with more horses to ride/train and of course working cows. To enter a show ring, scared to death and no matter the score when it’s over ride out having learned something new. A dream constantly plaguing me, that one day I will ride into Fort Worth on a good sound horse, under the lights with fresh cows. It’s all there, teasing me, feeling father and farther out of reach.

So what does sitting down in the barn have to do with anything?

It is where it all begins. We move so fast every day we forget about our dreams, putting them aside as life throws roadblock after roadblock in our path. Every second centered on the next dollar, the next moment with our children, appointments, sports and well LIFE. Our priorities and supposed priorities.

So instead I chose to stop and sit in my mares stalls. Cassie is my rock, she is a special horse for me. Most stories about people and horses for some odd reason revolve around little girls. I am sure it has to do with ponies, then unicorns, oh wait, pink unicorns and of course countless books written about a girl and her horse! Yet I have seen more than my fair share of grown, tough, grizzled men shed a tear over the loss of their riding partner, their friend. The same dynamics apply for us boys/men as do the girls/women, these animals we’ve spent countless hours riding, training, growing to know and understand become a part of you. As a boy you are John Wayne or the Lone Ranger, Quigley down under or the Man from Snowy River! As a man they are your roping partner, cattle mover or cutting friend. They become a sounding board for your day, they listen to your frustrations without arguing back and keep you in check when your emotions filter into the riding experience. These four legged beasts continually teach us every single time we are around them, whether its patience, empathy, kindness, sharing, determination or love. It’s all there every time they are around, and if they get sick of your attitude because you are the one not listening to them, well you just may find yourself looking up from the ground as a muzzle is looking down upon you. If we are smart, we slow down, take measure of ourselves and reward them for all they have given to us.

Sitting in Cassie’s pen, she snorts at me, walks a few circles as if to ask what the hell I am doing there in her space. Then realizing there was much more on my mind than just occupying her space, she walks over, tips her ears forward and slowly leans up next to me. Once my hands are upon her neck her head drops and she leans a little more. For the next 30 minutes she listened as I apologized for having not been around. She is a funny horse, if she knows you she will talk back, little grumbles here and there but for me it’s like sharing a cup of coffee with an old friend.

I looked around the barn, not at the barn, but actually looked around it feeling disconnected. I think I needed to feel that moment to help me reconnect and reaffirm that although this journey has been a very long two years, in the grand scheme of things it is only a blip in time. Leaving Cassie’s stall she whinnies at me as if to say; hey dad, don’t go! I gave her some fresh hay and moved on, heading over to my daily rider, my amigo Mr. Tank. Checking in with him was much the same, except this old boy is still a proud stud, therefore he doesn’t have much to say unless you are a mare. Then, well he is the Barry White of the barn. Walking around I checked on the other 15 horses in our barn, said hello to each one with a little pet/scratch time in between and by the time I was done, my world was a bit more centered.

I am blessed for all that I have. A great family, good kids, a wonderful place to call home and barn full of some of the coolest animals on earth. Tomorrow is another day, so we will keep trying.

Jacy is still fighting hard. As I have said before we are in for a long tough battle. We were lucky enough to participate in an E-wing Christmas party the other day and it really brought some wonderful Christmas spirit to those who attended. Christmas Carrols, hot coffee and cookies, plus handmade stuffed animals for everyone! I never tire at the caring that comes from each and every staff member in this wing. In a place where it would be easy to only see the negative there is nothing but positive all around! It is never a place one would dread to be, and I am speaking from the patient/family member side of things. I can only image how it must feel to work there, they are all truly special people.

Jacys bladder continues to bleed, we are still hoping for a miracle but know this invasive procedure is right around the corner and as Ms. Jacy says; if it gets me outta here well then so be it! Her diet has been increased again and as of yesterday I watched her eat a turkey burger!!!! It was awful and she could only stomach half of it, but what an incredible step towards walking out! She almost has a full covering of hair upon her head and she is walking a little more each day! Her lungs are still giving her trouble but the breathing treatments she receives twice a day seem to help. What an amazing fighter my wife is, she inspires me everyday.

So hopefully we continue gaining ground, nothing would make our family and of Ms. Jacy happier than seeing her at her dads sometime in January! Please keep us in your prayers.

Christmas is coming, be thankful for all you have for it is not a gift that makes your life wonderful it is the gift of life that makes it all worth living.