The road home and transition.

It is official, as of right now, Jacy is home for good! Tuesday we traveled from Stanford to Kaiser then over to Saratoga and when all was said and done, 14 hours had flown by, the car was loaded with all her belongings from the apartment and I had one very tuckered lady on my hands.

Our schedule currently remains the same. Once or twice a week we will continue making a roughly 2 ½ hour trip into Stanford for her doctor’s appointments. These appointments will ensure we are continuing down the right path, juggling a fine line between steroids and immunosuppresses. Blood draws, counts checked, dietary regimen consistently re-examined and of course there remains those damn pesky lungs that refuse to heal! We still are incredibly careful when it comes to her exposures and because of the high risk being at the ranch, she rarely makes it outside for more than a few minutes to enjoy her homestead surroundings.

Jacy’s body has made no real progress, we are in a serious holding pattern. Being in a holding pattern isn’t so bad, her doctors agree as long as she doesn’t slide backwards it will be counted as a win! Unfortunately not making any real progress is weighing heavy on her mind as she sees all of us hustling around taking care of everything. The go getter inside her is screaming to come out and play! But she can’t, she doesn’t have the strength or energy so rest is the order of the day, every day. She does her best to put in some light exercise to stimulate her atrophied muscles in hopes of getting back to normal sooner than later.  So a holding pattern is where we remain, and regardless of her progress after talking with her doctors we all agreed home is where she should be, in her own bed, watching her children, resting. No mother should have to be away from their children and regardless of her condition, just being able to converse with her kids face to face daily is all the medicine she needs.

My wife is constantly telling me she is sorry. For what?? I tell her she has nothing to apologize for but she doesn’t want to hear it. Jacy cannot believe everything I’m able to get done on my own and only wishes to ease some of this burden. To be honest I am exhausted, all the time, and some days am amazed myself how much this completely disorganized fool accomplishes! From sun up to sun down there isn’t a moment away from work that I am not moving. But there are no serious complaints. My wife is alive and that’s all that really matters to me. Making sure everyone else in my family is happy, healthy and participating in life is what’s important to us both and if that means little sleep and running all over this county daily well that just happens to be a side effect of our current condition. But she has nothing to ever feel sorry for, trust me when she is healthy again I will turn over the reins with a giant smile on my face and love in my heart.

Life is what you make of it. I personally have always believed there will be many times life turns on you, piling more and more on top of what you already believe you can handle and it’s what you do during those times that dictates the life you choose to live. It doesn’t mean you always like what’s happening or are even able to find a positive from the situation. Trust me the black cloud following our name has hung around way too damn long! But you can’t just roll up in a ball and quit either. There is always a plan and just because you cannot see the whole picture right now doesn’t mean you should ever think of giving up! I was taught strength comes from within the struggle.

I see couples on FB having drinks, wine tasting with friends, hiking in the mountains or on grand adventures around the globe and jealously sets in for a bit. It is so easy taking for granted just two short years ago that was us! We were shooting selfies at the bar or in the country somewhere on horseback! Snuggling under the moonlight, walking hand in hand in Haiti or simply enjoying dinner out with family! I long for the day she gets irritated while out on an evening walk because I am moving to slow! When I think about how much I would rather be on horse today, I remind myself that Jacy would much rather be anywhere but stuck in bed, with oxygen plumbed to her face and fluids flowing freely into her arm! Sleeping away large sections of the day, brought down through medication like an animal hit by a tranquilizer gun! I remind myself that my most important job in life is her, never taking it personally when she snaps at me exhausted from a long day of medications, travel and doctors, meanwhile cherishing every second she is able to snuggle and hold me, looking in my eyes the way she does filling my heart with love.

This whole process over these last two years has taken so much from her both physically and mentally and I am so grateful having her by my side once again. There is no doubt this will be an amazingly long road to recovery but it doesn’t matter because she is home, her numbers are holding, we have our family, friends, prayer and hopefully a little luck finally shining through that black cloud, chasing it away.

Its been a long road home, but home is good and family is even better..




13 thoughts on “The road home and transition.

  1. So happy for you all! Being home is the best medicine, I agree. Once I was home, aliments began to heal (very slowly, but they did!). When she is stronger and if she is willing, I’d love to come meet her.


  2. James, I am happy to hear part of her Meds regimen is HOME. My prayers continue for you daily. I recall days of feeling sorry, not for myself but my family and care takers, for being sick and out of it from chemo. If she can do anything for the family, even folding the towels, let her do it. It will too be a dose of medicine for her. Even if that basket of towels takes all day in between breaks of exhaustion, the accomplishment she will feel when it is done will fill her with self worth.
    Please keep as positive as you have been with your faith and love as your guide and strength. One day I too hope to meet you both and wrap you in a hug. Until that day I send you hugs through here.
    God bless you!


  3. I found myself holding my breath while reading your message James…so much to take in all at once. I am also a caregiver for a dear friend I live with who has battled four rounds of cancer (breast cancer, both breasts, separate times, eyelid, lymphoma b behind her stomach) over the past 11 years. And it’s included chemo, radiation, infusions, injections, transfusions, platelets, etc. She is currently on a new type of chemo but at least she has always been able to be at home and she does what she can with much courage and determination. Yours and Jacy’s road has been so much more than what we’ve gone through, but I can totally identify with all of your messages on one level or another. I think of and pray for you and Jacy daily. I feel it is such a blessing that she can be home with her family. I pray a day will come when she asks you to hand over those reins. God bless you and may He keep you well and provide the times when you can rest and enjoy your life with Jacy and your family. You are a hero in my estimation! 🙂
    Susan Joyce


  4. love your writings!! Your need to get published when this story is done as Jacy’s returns to her prime in health. I read this and think things aren’t so bad for me even if the Drs. haven’t figured out what to do about my severe pain. My black cloud keeps coming back. But as you say we can’t see the whole picture. I know there is a purpose but going threw the process is hard! All your writings will and do give people hope. I ended up consoling other mothers after my experience with crib death. We pray for Jacy’s continued
    health and we know she’ll be out there on those horses again. God Bless you, Jacy’s and your family’s!


  5. Awesome news! So glad to hear all of your hard work has helped your wife get home, where she belongs. Goals can be reached, no matter how far away they seem….


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