Category: married life

Feel the warmth

theycallmebetty4 Comments

sun

Today the sun shone upon her face as I witnessed how its warmth made her feel. We take for granted our daily lives and how simple everyday processes are there, waiting for us, unobtrusive. Like knowing your right leg will follow your left, or when you itch, a dominant hand will scratch without so much as a second thought. So goes our lives, the sun will rise, the sun will set, followed by the moon. Yet we never think about what if we no longer knew the sun was there?

Every day for millions that fire in the sky is too damn hot! Every day for millions it shines over and through clouds leaving them to damn cold. We take it all for granted. One thing I have noticed since this journey began is how much I miss living near the coast. The valley is a wonderful place, but driving back and forth to Palo-Alto I can see the majesty that is fog rolling in over the foothills, that cool breeze proceed its arrival letting you know the fog is almost there, never having to hear the steady drone of an air conditioning unit running for 24 hours on occasion. I grew up in a charming little town, filled with dairy’s and cattle ranches several miles inland from a tip of the bay. Sonoma was an awesome place to grow up. Every night you could watch the fog roll in over the valley walls, rolling out in the morning to leave a cool, crisp moistness for all to enjoy. As humans we complained it was too cold, or too hot during the day and man just once I wish that fog would wait until later to roll in making everything wet!

I have been away too long, I am not sure if it’s my age, the fact I recognize we complain way to much or seeing life through my wife’s eyes as of late has changed my perspective? But I appreciate everything this earth has to offer us as human beings.

So I rambled, where was I? Oh yes, What if?

Watching my wife slowly step ever so carefully down a long and busy hallway, eyes fixated on a double set of doors roughly 50 yards away. The light shining through those doors indicating they are in fact a righteous pathway towards freedom. My focus is solely on making it there without her feeling so tired she can longer fathom making an extra step, thusly cutting our journey short. Ensuring her pathway is clear as we traverse this major artery of the complex. My worries are there, but I am trying my best to not let them show. She has only completed a few loops around the quad over the last week or so; her small world of circular entrapment. Today’s journey for her has become the equivalent of walking into the next town.

Double gowned, IV stand in tow running on battery power, a hat to protect her new skin from the dreaded UV rays and of course sporting the ever so stylish Darth Vader mask, keeping any air she breaths clean of all harmful organisms. We crawl, people staring, some smiling, others with a “good job” look upon their faces and of course the trip wouldn’t be complete without those who just don’t know what to do when they see her walking towards them. To look away, make eye contact and freeze, stare mortified or the just plain look of pity. Oh well it really isn’t their fault so what can you do?

We make it to the door and as I open it, the sweetest, most perfectly timed light, warm breeze hits our faces. For me it feels great! But for her, well this is where I was going with all this rambling from the beginning, it is heaven. This woman who hasn’t felt a breeze, natural warm air, cold air, fog, or glaring heat for 44 days is slightly blinded by the brightness and in one deep breath, relaxed and happy.

I witnessed how the warmth made her feel! We didn’t make it to Stanford’s glorious, well-manicured fountain area another 25 yards away, but we did find a nice bench, under a tree and there we sat, beneath a beautiful mixture of sun, clouds with a hint of fog just off the horizon. We listened to the fountain, and all the wonderful ambient background noise. Light and movement were a neural overload for my wife but she enjoyed every minute! We talked as if we were on a date; that is if the date was near a hospital and my date was heavily sedated. (No rufie jokes please) She sat with her eyes closed for a bit, feeling the suns warmth, the light breeze, free from the beeping machines in her room, while quietly wondering when she was going home.fountain

We had a wheel chair available for the trip back, but she refused, her stubborn Cuban side firing back up! So after twenty minutes or so, Jacy said it was time and we slowly, carefully made our way back down that long busy hallway, into the BMT unit and back to her little room with a window.

Once inside the BMT unit it was heartwarming as almost every nurse cheered her onward, congratulating her for making the journey, inspiring her to be stronger, to become healthier in her recovery. I cannot say enough about these special people who work inside this wing of the hospital. We all know and I have said it before; my wife could make friends with the hardest of people. Yet everywhere we went, even in the hallway outside the BMT wing, nurses or Stanford employees were coming by to wish her well. They all know my wife by name, they all have a smile on their face and they show just how much they care. It is inspirational.

Tomorrow is a new day, no matter what has happened today, good, bad, or in-between remember this, there is always someone out there doing a little worse than you. Be their inspiration.

The sun still shines on your face, you still have the freedom to be where you want to be and when you want to be there, you have the ability to make the very most out of your day, every day.

So please take a moment and be thankful you can still feel the warmth.

hobbes

Gonna pump you up!

theycallmebetty4 Comments

hanz and franz

We are going to PUMP YOU UP!!!

Fighting Leukemia is a long hard battle not for the faint of heart. These men and women struggle with more pain, both mental and physical than anyone could imagine. Their continued inner conflict seem to come from the heart because no person wants to go through something like this! Once you read all the information you then have questions, doubts and wonder why exactly someone would put themselves through endless hours of physical and mental highs and lows. But they selflessly do.

Believe me, these patients don’t do it for themselves! I have listened to a few survivors now, both in conversation and as part of this wonderful network slowly being formed through contact both on this page and other media sources. Each of them all believe saying yes to life was the right thing to do, the responsible thing to do; having treatment was a choice and they all believe they’ve made the right choice. But??

Of the four I am currently chatting with online, each one slips into a sentence these words: I am not sure I will do it again. Or the ONLY reason I went through it all was for my family.

Think about that for a moment. I have been faced with serious choices over the last 20 years in regards to others, and I always tried my hardest to make a decision based on training and what I would want someone to do for my loved one. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think; what if it was me? What if I needed treatment and without that treatment I may perish?

These loving, kind, vibrant individuals faced with an option, treatment with a 50/50 chance or no treatment and let nature take its course eventually leaving behind loving family and friends. It boggles my mind.

I am overwhelming thankful for the choice my wife made. She was rocky for a minute, but it was only a minute and then her normal, lets kick this things ass mentality shifted into overdrive. I am grateful the people I have met who have survived not just Leukemia but all forms of cancer made that choice letting modern medicine have a shot! I am thankful for where we are in the advancement of treatments for all kinds of cancers, because 20 years ago the outcome would have been very different.

These people are my heroes, I am honored to know them, to talk with them and hear the love, kindness and respect they hold for a new found life. Some are completely different than before, nothing bothers them, and they no longer get upset over the little stuff, waiting for each and every day to greet them with the sunrise. Others hold a new respect for their surroundings, knowing if they hadn’t made that choice how much different things would be today. All of them are grateful for their families, loved ones and friends.

Each one of them is open and honest about their struggles, willing to share feelings both positive and negative, hoping I see in the end it will all be ok. Writing about Leukemia as it decimates a loved one is filled with negatives, it just cannot be helped. But there are positives and these people prove that to be so!

To each and every person battling to live, for your family, your friends, your loved ones, I love you all, I will always share your stories of inspiration to hopefully help another father, husband, friend such as myself. You all make me proud to be who I am, what I am and where I am right now with this life.

With that, I believe it is time we update the wife’s condition.

Wednesday, things were very rough! Jacy still couldn’t walk, pain everywhere throughout her lower extremities. The fevers had returned with vengeance, and vomiting appeared to be an every 30 minute abdominal workout. The doctors pulled her Hickman line for fear of infection and placed a Picc line in its place. She was still heavy on fluids, and any effort to urinate (which was a must every 10-15 minutes) was met with burning pain and small abdominal spasms. When I left her on Wednesday night because I was headed home due to a large fire near our jurisdiction, she was knocked out from pain meds.

Friday I snuck over in the afternoon and Jacy had been moved into the cardiac unit. Fevers were running high without rescinding, she was still vomiting a lot, and her lungs weren’t exchanging oxygen well so O2 saturation levels were very low. She was also diagnosed with HHV6-B

HHV-6B primary infection is the cause of the common childhood illness exanthema subitum (also known as roseola infantum or sixth disease). Additionally, HHV-6B reactivation is common in transplant recipients, which can cause several clinical manifestations such as encephalitis, bone marrow suppression and pneumonitis.[5]

Sooooo cloth gowns, masks and gloves for everyone!!! SCARYYYYYYYY!!!!!

I know you are asking yourselves; hey! Didn’t the title say “we are going to pump you up”? This has all been kind of a downer!

Well MY PEEPS! Word on the street is Jacy was slipped a little steroid cocktail and BAM! Instantly feeling better! That’s right within a day her fevers had subsided and by the end of the next day she could walk the quad without pain!!!! Whoop whoop!

roids

Jacy was moved from the cardiac unit yesterday and once again is blessed to have her very own room. (A luxury I might add). The doctors ran a bunch of tests today which included a colonoscopy and she still has plenty of sores in her throat along with a full body rash. Doctors have stated they are trying their hardest to get everything under control so she may be released to outpatient care hopefully by the weekend!! Way to go Steroids!!!!

Getting her out of there and into the redwood lined, mountainous retreat that is her father’s place will be a spirit builder for certain.

So after a very long storm the first bit of sunlight comes cracking through the clouds and hopefully we will feel the warmth of her smile once again.

Promises

theycallmebetty12 Comments

I don’t care who you are or how strong your resilience, when closing a door behind you to a hospital room within a Cancer/Leukemia ward holding the most precious of beings in your life! You cannot help but feel as though things are now permanently out of your control.

And you would be correct, for they are…

Three days ago Jacy and I got into our car. We had a relatively uneventful trip into the bay area, over two bridges, through San Francisco into beautiful Woodside ending on the famous Stanford campus. 19 months, 6 of those in treatment then remission and relapse all leading up to this moment. I cannot describe adequately to what end my brain continues to function. This moment, this very moment, where all I cherish is left in the skilled hands of others. Like knowing your final day on this planet, or being 18 and not quite comprehending that yes you too will one day be 50 then blinking only to recognize that day is tomorrow. It is more than I can handle.

13 years ago I promised to always take care of her, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse; to never leave her side no matter what. I am many things in this life, a jokester, a story-teller, a father, a coach, a teacher, sometimes even an asshole, but when I make a promise I do my very best to keep it! The ability to do so comes from having made hundreds of mistakes, letting numerous people down, lessons learned and realizing who and what you have become after living through personal tragedy and the suffering of others.

I promised her and I have always done my best. When we were trying to have children and nothing was working, I stood strong and promised her it would be alright, we laughed, we cried but I knew God would always provide for those with faith. We now have Parker and Jessica

I promised her that even though we would have no money for a long time we would make it after purchasing our ranch, because we knew it was where we wanted our children to grow up. We moved in with $250.00 dollars in the bank, we understood the payoff would never be monetary but would come from rewards reaped over time by our children. We are making it, it is a struggle at times but our children are amazing human beings, growing and thriving thanks to this place we etched out of the land; and they will forever know where home and family are to be found.

I promised her when we went to Haiti together I would let nothing happen to her or our group as we traversed a country still struggling with political power, corruption and strife. I did my best while on the island serving these beautiful people as local politics toyed with our mission. My promise was put to the test when our sail boat home tipped over in heavy wind and wave. Trying my hardest to hold as many as I could while remaining calm so others would be calm as well all while praying quietly, gripping those I love tightly and doing the best I could not to show my own personal fear I kept that promise.

I have promised her time and again. I have done my very best, but as I write this I am scared. Not something that is easy to admit. For I have promised her this will all work out, she is strong and it will be ok. But I am scared as hell. I am not sure how strong I can be this time. I am afraid of my own promises, that maybe they will be unattainable. My prayers feel unanswered, no calm has overcome my soul as in times past. I am tired of being tested by life, love and loss. I am growing weary and yet this is just the beginning. I feel as though my inner Betty needs a 5 month energy drink as opposed to 5 hour.

Closing this door to her room and walking away, leaving the one I love to modern science and medicine in hopes it will save her life is more than I feel I can handle. I pray she doesn’t suffer as others are currently suffering in the very wing she is assigned. I pray that God sees this woman for all she has accomplished in her life, knowing she has more to do here with people who need her smile, warmth and charm. I pray she heals with little side effects, becoming stronger day by day until she is the woman she chooses to become post-transplant.

I am praying all the time….

Jacy is currently on her 9th dose of chemotherapy in three days. She only has 11 more doses to go. Her spirits are up even though she hasn’t slept. As she puts it, I run to the bathroom, nap then an hour later run to the bathroom again. Her spirit is high, she is still feeling very positive, and I have no doubt she will show me the way as she has always done in the past through her amazing spirit. She is my wife, she is my best friend, and she is my life.

I promise……….

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Today just sucked…

theycallmebetty1 Comment

Watching someone you love in pain, brings no greater torment within the soul.

There are times in life when feeling absolutely powerless is a step up from the darkened depths your heart is traveling. Seeing my wife emerge from the doctor’s office today, I expected a curt; fuck that hurt! (yeah every now and again the surly farm girl comes out) Or I am so tired of these gosh darn biopsy’s! Then we grumble a little about her elderly shuffle, a result of having someone gnaw on her hip bone with a needle and make our way slowly to the car.

But today, today was a knife to the heart! She emerged, spoke my name and instantly I knew something was wrong. Her voice cracking, lip quivering, and then tears. Tears streaming down her face as she informed me her biopsy couldn’t be completed because of severe pain.  After several if not close to a dozen or so biopsy’s, I am pretty sure her pelvic bone is done with this shit! Having taken the appropriate pre-meds prior to our arrival, then a dose or two of lidocaine, followed up with a few more doses of lidocaine, followed up with the maximum amount of lidocaine prescribed for a woman her size.  It became very clear to her and her doctor this just wasn’t going to happen.

It also was an awakening in that Jacy’s body’s had enough for the time being. Not good timing as her biggest fear for the moment centers on the Leukemia’s progression. We need to know what her cell counts are to create a plan of action.  Putting off another few days until a different course can be plotted only exasperates her anxiety.  The despair in her voice, the emotion on her face combined with an inability to do anything (something I am not good at handling) and my heart was breaking for the woman I love.

Walking slowly to the car; all I could think about was my love for her and wishing it was me, not her. Helping her into our car, my chest was hurting, she cried, took a deep breath then cried some more.  It was a quiet, somber ride home. Helping her upstairs she gently laid upon our bed and quietly slept.  Beat up, bruised but resting peacefully.

The appointment will be rescheduled so Jacy can be sedated through an I.V. to complete this procedure. It will still suck but at least she will be knocked out. Hopefully all this will happen later this week.

Today was just one of those days you close your eyes, say a little prayer to calm the nerves and rely on faith.

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Each day is a gift…

theycallmebetty4 Comments

Every day we travel through a world filled with the unknown. Our existence centered on being over here at a certain time, over there later in the day, a meeting with friends, or hustling constantly checking our electronic organizers. Our lives intertwined within the movements of a clock or the expectations of others.

How many times have we sat down at the end of an evening to utter these words; where did the day go? How many days in a row before we recognize the week is over and we mumble the exact same sentiment; where did the week go? The insanity of it can be mind-boggling as we continue placing an emphasis on agendas. Lost is the importance of our life, what it means to us in conjunction with the gift of having another day. Forgetting about finding a moment during each one of those days that resonates, becomes a memory or a topic for conversation. Real conversation too, not a text or Facebook posting.

George Strait has a song that always helps me slow down and remember that each day is a gift.

Just walked down the street to the coffee shop

Had to take a break

I’ve been by her side 18 hours straight

Saw a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk, pushing up through the concrete

Like it was planted right there for me to see

The flashing lights, the honking horns

All seems to fade away, but in the shadow of the hospital at 5:08

I saw God today..

I’ve been to church, I’ve read the book, I know he’s here but I don’t look, near as often as I should

His fingerprints are everywhere, I just look down and stop and stare,

Open my eyes and then I swear,

I saw God today…..

And so it goes.

With everything happening in our life, it can become easy to be angry. Today I had a wonderful conversation with a friend about all that is happening in my life. I wonder why I am not angry. It is easy to just say you are not angry when you really should be; placing the classic stoic face on this bump in the road instead. But I just can’t find any anger inside to dwell upon. God has given me so much, God has given us, my wife and family so very much. In a life where blame is the first bony finger pointed out of malice. Who would I blame? Who could I blame? Why would I waste the time and energy? It is what it is, even if that “is” sucks!

There is a plan for all of us. Whether you believe in a God, no God, a higher power or some form of spiritual awakening. There is a plan. I have always believed our lives have some purpose, some meaning and it is up to us to find what that meaning is. We can travel through life as I explained above, with blinders on and no recollection of any real purpose or need, never finding or fulfilling moments of remembrance and that is fine, if that is all you want out of life. To bad really, since you only get one shot at it. But for me, I know through hard work, an even temper, leaving my eyes wide open to all possibilities the plan will reveal itself. Being angry at the cards dealt does no one any good. Play those cards instead and believe victory is yours.

So we move forward with a positive attitude. All will be fine, we will rise above and walk away from this emotional roller coaster ride with our heads held high. We will hold hands through old age, cherishing our children, our grandchildren and laugh. Laugh at all the memories, laugh at all the little moments, laugh at beating the odds, beating so much sorrow that can arise from these situations, laugh and thank God for all that we continue to have placed before us..

Today I …

Saw a horse nuzzling a newborn foal

Saw my children laughing at nothing, and everything all at once

Watched as my son rode through a practice really well

Stared at my mare grazing in a pasture of green surrounded by other mares ready to foal just as she is ready to foal. The miracle of birth waiting to arrive.

Rode one of my favorite horses and it brought peace and contentment to a tired soul

Visited with friends celebrating a birthday, laughing, joking and having a really good time

Watched my son’s friend look like he wanted to ride a horse, while being too shy to ask

Talked with my daughter after her game of softball, listening to her tell me about it filled my heart with joy.

Played Legos with my youngest, creating cars to battle an imagery foe.

Hugged my wife, kissed her beautiful bald head and melted as she smiled at me

Feel blessed for everything I have.

Sitting here staring at my computer, looking at the mountain range behind my house I know;

I saw God today.

images-3

A trip to Stanfords Cancer Institute

theycallmebetty4 Comments

Sitting in traffic wondering how anybody could possibly live in the Bay Area without owning an urban assault vehicle reminiscent of something from Mad Maxx for redemption cast upon rude idiotic drivers I will never know! While commuters are frustratingly obnoxious my focus channels instead towards taking that initial step into Stanford’s Cancer institute.

It will be emotional for sure, Jacy is nervously anticipating our meeting with the Bone marrow Transplant team. There are so many unknowns in regards to facilities, rooms, and living arrangements for both pre and post-transplant. What will her doctor be like? How many people will be involved in this process? Has anyone determined if her brother is a match? If he is not, what is the prognosis for a match and how long until we know? What is or is not covered under our insurance since we are leaving the Kaiser system? What is the real number in terms of time away from work?

I am nervous too. It has been a very long time since I set foot in this place, I hoped to never come back here again so I am praying for the best. Will I be strong enough to keep her spirits up if we hear things we don’t like? Do I have the ability to keep quiet and listen, truly listen to all the information while reading my wife’s responses and emotions ensuring she gets the most out of this meeting while feeling my support?

Once on campus it’s clear this will be no easy arrival, there are multiple construction projects in various stages of completion. No parking what so ever, and traffic complete with traffic monitors moving us slowly from one place to another. Finally after being directed from one street to the next we come upon the front of the Cancer Institute. Carefully pulling up I let Jacy get out to check in since we are border line late thanks to 35 minutes at the Bay bridge toll plaza. As I circle around I find the front entrance is for valet parking. Yep that’s right valet parking! This place looks more like an entrance to a 5 star hotel complete with black jacket, bow tie wearing servants. Turning the car over and receiving my return ticket, in my best dry humor tone I let the valet know to take it easy in the corners, not many can handle a car like ours and temptation is great! He nods, smiles, says thank you and slowly pulls away in our Honda Odyssey. Pretty sure he had no idea what I was talking about or mumbled asshole as he drove away. Either way good show old boy, for keeping that beaming professional appearance.

Walking inside the Cancer Institute my impression has not changed. Glass, marble, wood, brass, and staff members dressed professionally. It is a sight to behold. Making my way down to our appointment area I also can’t help but notice how busy it is! This place is vibrating with expectations, anticipation, and exasperation; seriously this place is buzzing with intensity! Cancer has become a business for sure, and business is booming! Meeting up with my wife, we are called into an exam room where we are introduced to one of Stanford’s social workers. She is a doll, who asks us questions covering our lives at home, where we live, how we live, how many children we have, is there a solid support system in place, do we have any animals, what kind of animals, what do we know about transplants? Jacy and I have both done our best to be informed on all aspects of Leukemia and it showed during our interview.

Dr. Muffly walked in and introduced herself. We both liked her immediately! She is very kind, warm and friendly. To be honest, not what I expected, I don’t know why, there is no real reason why and even as I am typing this it bothers me that my predisposed expectation was somewhat skewed. Needless to say we had a wonderful meeting. When we asked about jacys brother being a match, she picked up the phone without hesitation and called her assistant who after a few seconds of looking through data informed us he was not. My heart sank a bit, but Dr. Muffly insured us it was going to fine. Only 25% of full siblings are an actual match anyways, so the odds were already against us.

We talked about Jacy’s form of Leukemia, what it meant for the short and long term. We discussed the process, where I also learned that actual bone marrow is only used in specific cases. The latest advancements are centered on Stem-Cells through an Allogenic Transplantation.

“In an Allogenic Transplantation, a person’s stem cells are replaced with new, healthy stem cells obtained from a donor or from donated umbilical cord blood. Chemotherapy or a combination of chemotherapy and radiation therapy is first given to eradicate cancer cells, to suppress the patient’s immune system, or both. The new stem cells are then infused into the patient’s bloodstream through an intravenous catheter, in a procedure that is similar to a blood transfusion.”

Very, very cool stuff! The donor is given a shot to hyper activate their system, creating active stem cells released from the donors marrow. After a week to ten days that blood is collected from the donor and shipped straight to its recipient. No more pain or discomfort from the actual bone marrow procedure. Once the infusion is complete the patient is kept for another five days in the hospital then seen on an outpatient status. Here is the caveat. Once in outpatient status the patient cannot live more than an hour away. We live two hours away so home is a no go. The hospital provides housing both near its campus and in San Jose. Jacy needs to be close for monitoring. A fever, severe nausea, or what they refer too as graft vs host disease are all issues to be diligent through observation.

“Graft versus host disease (GVHD) is a common complication following an allogenic tissue transplant. It is commonly associated with stem cell or bone marrow transplants but the term also applies to other forms of tissue graft. Immune cells (white blood cells) in the tissue (the graft) recognize the recipient (the host) as “foreign”. The transplanted immune cells then attack the host’s body cells. GVHD can also occur after a blood transfusion if the blood products have not been irradiated or treated with an approved pathogen reduction system.”

Any signs of these and she needs to come right in, day or night. The total time frame for being away from home is 3 months.

Let that sink in for a moment. Your whole world is feeling out of control, statistics flying left and right, in the hospital then out of the hospital in combination with a gigantic fear all will fail leaving you to die. You are told you cannot be home with your children, family, for three months. It is easy to be reassuring, it is easy to scoff and ramble off witty lines like: it’s only a blip in time, you will get through this, be back home and never look back! But when it is you, trying to wrap your mind around missing more of your children’s activities, seeing and interacting with our farm and everything you know. It is a tough to understand, which leads to the invariable; why me?

When she comes home, she now knows, she will not be able to work for a year and even though she is home, no animals (dogs exempt) for up to six months. During this time (from graft to home) she will wear what appears as Darth Vaders entry level mask. This HEPA or High Efficiency Particulate Respirator should keep all viruses and organisms from entering her body. She must also have nothing but fresh food prepared by her caretaker for every meal to ensure no contamination. Wait! I said caretaker! That’s right! She will need a 24 hour a day caretaker, someone preferably a family member to monitor her, feed her, and drive her (yep banned from driving for 4 months) to all her appointments.

This was quite a bit of information and even though we knew most of this from doing our homework, it was more than we were really prepared to acknowledge.

The kicker through it all? The one thing that stuck with me? Was those damn statistics again! I have always said; Statistics are to a mathematician what a lamppost is to a drunk. Just something to lean on. But for some reason hearing straight from the doctor’s mouth, it is a 50/50 chance for recovery. Hit me really hard. I never let it show, but like a sock in the gut is just kind of took away my air and left me sitting there for a moment. I know there are millions of factors, (read my last blog) I know my wife is a fighter, I know all the positives one can spew, but until you have sat there, focused on the words coming from your doctors mouth it just isn’t the same.

It was a long painful car ride home. She cried, we held hands, I did my very best to comfort this woman I love. The prognosis still remains great! But nothing hurts more than hearing your wife tell you she feels as though she has been handed a death sentence. She has a right to feel that way, she has a right to be sad, and she has a right to be angry at everything. This is something I cannot fix, this is something we need to have faith over. This is something that will strengthen our marriage even more. She will come away from this in remission. I just know it.

This morning we received some great news! There are four donors that are a match! All four have been contacted for further blood work! Our first step to winning this battle, the hardest step that so many never get to take! We have a match! I urge you, any of you to please register with Be the Match! You may have the honor of saving a life. In this case someone did, and it will save my wife’s life!

She also called me this morning to tell me she is back in the zone! All positive thoughts from here forward! A little time in church did a woman of faith wonders!

God Bless everyone for the continued support.

keep calm

Leukemia- handling it all…

theycallmebetty3 Comments

Going through this arduous process, I have come to a simple and strangely satisfying resolve in regards to Leukemia. Becoming Positive and proactive not Negative and reactive.
Now becoming negative and reactive is relatively simple. Freak the hell out at any bit of news from any doctor, nurse, floor attendant or even hospital janitor! Then act as though the world is coming to an end! Happens all the time! I am not being callous it really does, it is human nature. Seriously though most janitors have been there so long they would probably qualify at least to the ER tech level! (This is humor any ER techs don’t get butt hurt). There is also a positive-reactive which centers on acting quickly and decisively, a wonderful quality I may add.
Positive and Proactive is a learned skill; thinking calmly, forming a plan, and handling adversity with a determined end result in mind! But becoming proactive takes a little more finesse, a tad bit of dulled nerves as to not jump at the slightest verbal or non verbal queue given by any one person wearing a lab coat, a great sense of humor and a good pocket pint of whiskey stored inside your jacket! (Heather R, you devil child that was for you)
First time around when we heard the word Leukemia; well actually it sounded more like

L E U K E M I A… (slow motion, deep sounding with scary movie music overtones).

I freaked, we freaked, and our friends and families freaked with us! We were all reactive on both levels stated above, and justifiably so! Positive and Negative reactive. Leukemia is a word, a name, a label that incites visions of wheel chairs, frail wasted away human beings and of course losing our cherished loved ones to death. What it doesn’t sound like is success and why should it? Leukemia is a nasty form of cancer that automatically shuts our brains down to logic out of self-preservation! The word just screams fear and that is too bad really, because if we stand back and educate ourselves we learn important facts such as, according to the Honor Society of Nursing, success rates over time have been on the rise.
“Leukemia is a serious illness that is in the top ten of cancer-related deaths in the United States. It is worth noting that successful treatment rates have increased four-fold since the 1960s. At the beginning of that decade, only 14 percent of people survived for five years after diagnosis. By 2005, that percentage had increased to 54 percent. Nevertheless, in 2009 leukemia claimed the lives of over 21,000 people, with the highest number of deaths among males with chronic lymphoblastic leukemia.”
Now I know that doesn’t look like a positive or particularly sunny report, but really it is great news! From 14 percent to 54 percent is superb!
SEER or Surveillance, Epidemiology and End Results program of the National Cancer Institute has a more up to date statistic. From 2004-2010 57.2 percent of those who contracted Leukemia lived longer than 5 years from time of remission! OUTSTANDING!
According to the statistics a majority of patients who don’t survive are male in conjunction with the numbers being skewed with children under 15 and elderly adults 60+. As you can see even though these numbers constitute the passing or loss of loved ones to this terrible form of cancer the numbers in regards to our specific case just keep getting better! Positive thinking so let’s form a plan!

Now remember from earlier stories there are 4 main types of Leukemia
AML–Acute Myeloid Leukemia
ALL–Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia
CLL–Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia
CML–Chronic Myeloid Leukemia

Jacy has AML
Acute myeloid leukemia (AML), also known as acute myelogenous leukemia, acute myeloblastic leukemia, acute granulocytic leukemia or acute nonlymphocytic leukemia is a fast-growing form of cancer of the blood and bone marrow.
AML is the most common type of acute leukemia. It occurs when the bone marrow begins to make blasts, cells that have not yet completely matured. These blasts normally develop into white blood cells. However, in AML, these cells do not develop and are unable to ward off infections.
In AML, the bone marrow may also make abnormal red blood cells and platelets. The number of these abnormal cells increases rapidly, and the abnormal (leukemia) cells begin to crowd out the normal white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets that the body needs.
One of the main things that differentiate AML from the other main forms of leukemia is that it has eight different subtypes, which are based on the cell that the leukemia developed from. The types of acute myelogenous leukemia include:
• Myeloblastic (M0) – on special analysis
• Myeloblastic (M1) – without maturation
• Myeloblastic (M2) – with maturation
• Promyeloctic (M3)
• Myelomonocytic (M4)
• Monocytic (M5)
• Erythroleukemia (M6)
• Megakaryocytic (M7)
Acute myeloid leukemia treatment options
Treatment for AML may include chemotherapy, radiation therapy, stem cell transplant and/or immunotherapy. Your integrated team of leukemia experts will answer your questions and recommend treatment options based on your unique diagnosis and needs.
A common chemotherapy treatment for AML begins with induction chemotherapy, in which a combination of drugs is used to destroy as many leukemia cells as possible and bring blood counts to normal. This is followed by consolidation chemotherapy, to destroy any remaining leukemia cells that cannot be seen in the blood or bone marrow.
If cells continue to survive or regenerate within the blood stream another round of consolidation therapy is repeated leading to the possibility of a Bone Marrow Transplant.

This is where we are with Jacy. She will be receiving a Bone Marrow Transplant.
I will cover the Bone Marrow Transplant in depth after our meeting with the BMTT (Bone Marrow Transplant Team) on Monday.
Jacy’s doctor continues to remind us most statistics are up to 4 years old and Leukemia success rates are skyrocketing! She also reminds us not to overly scour the internet as all the news reads grim and can become overwhelming.
I hope this information has helped anyone who has been curious to our plight. When you see my postings or run into me in person and are wondering how I am doing, just know this. Yes I am tired, very tired. Taking care of my wife is an honor; I love her more than anything in the world and will move mountains to insure she is cured from this disease. Adding to all my regular duties and hers as well is beginning to take a toll. But I am positive, we are very positive, my spirits are high, I cannot allow myself to become reactive and negative. If there is anybody in this whole wide world who can single-handedly kick cancers ass it is my wife! If you have met my wife then you know all of this to be true.
So we move forward together as we should through life; Positive, Proactive, with nothing but success and the future of this family on our minds.

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Pythagorean Theorem=Boobs????

theycallmebetty4 Comments

Over the years my wife and I have spent countless hours helping our children to succeed through both word and deed.

It takes no shortage of creativity, knowledge, a sense of humor and occasionally some good old-fashioned ass kicking to solidly seat things into our children’s thick know it all skulls.

A week ago a new low had been reached in our household, the bottom if you will. All was going reasonably well, homework becoming finalized before an upcoming work week, and yes I can hear a collaborative parental moan now: why wasn’t the homework done Friday night? No excuses, no answer other than it is just the way we roll here at the BCR (Black Cloud Ranch) if it isn’t last minute well then it wasn’t worth doing!

One of our boys, oh hell why beat around the bush; it was the fourteen year old! Anyways he just doesn’t seem to grasp the importance of Algebra! Seriously Algebra! Algebra is the very basis for all math we will NEVER EVER USE AGAIN IN OUR ENTIRE LIVES!!! It might as well be stinking cursive! Who the bloody hell uses cursive or ever thought cursive was so freaking imperative? Isn’t Cursive like the Beta video of language expression? Oh sure I have seen many hybrid versions, you know a mix of block lettering, plain print and cursive. But really in the end it is as useful as a chocolate tea-pot!

Algebra was the very bane of my existence as a freshman in high school, and it appears to be a genetic learning disorder! Yet Jake has one glaring ace in his pocket for which he refuses to take advantage that I never had at my disposal! His mother teaches math! I know right? Mom teaches math! HELLLLOOOOOOO????? You say you don’t understand math, ask your mother politely for assistance and well, 1+1=uh an easy freaking A! But no, Jake stands before his mother, arms crossed as though he was in the center of a Law and Order episode awaiting his lawyer! This boy, this hard-headed, rodeo driven boy, has been given a free ride for way too long based upon his dimples and charm, yet at home his mother and I see the poop thrower from three years of age. His dimples purchase no currency at the parental store of effort and trust. Mom continues teaching, Jake continues fighting the process. My teeth are grinding and my inner voice hears our beloved dentist God Bless her soul telling me to let it go before irreparable damage is done!

Finally after many witty and not so witty exchanges take place mom has hit the wall, this lad has more excuses for why he cannot learn the Pythagorean Theorem than a desert has sand! Who doesn’t understand the relation of lengths in three sides of any right triangle! Right? RIGHT! Ah Duh!!!! (Ok truth be told I didn’t know what it was either until this fight, but hey enough about my adult ignorance!) Yet a no learning wall is up, affixed, complete with eye rolls, heavy sighs, and the occasional slack-jawed look of stupidity.

This entire process of enlightenment and denial was finally broken when my wife, teacher of equations and mentor with wit, creator of interesting theory and conclusions nonchalantly threw out a reference as to the design of her latest mathematical problem looking a tad bit like boobs! Yes you heard me right BOOBS! Brought forward in that casual oh look what I accidentally drew they resemble BOOBS, kinda way! Every teen boys dream! Men and women alike can agree that BOOBS are pretty freaking cool! Right? Hey I won’t lie, I looked! She said BOOBS for Christ’s sake!!! But instead of a chuckle, juvenile laugh or smirk our sense of humors, no matter how imperfect for the moment (seemingly appropriate I might add) were greeted with teenage loaded snide sarcasm and cynicism!

NICE! Now I am not referencing “NICE” in relation too, eyebrows wiggling, crooked grin, hey there look at that or creepy stalker nice; oh nooooo. This was a thoroughly disgusted, grossed out, want to vomit because my mom referenced a girls private parts “nice”.

What the hell! Its boob’s son, no matter how big or small all girls have them! Even some men! How in the hell can you treat it as though it is a dirty word? BOOOOOOOBBBBBSSSSSSS! See rolls off the tongue! Remember when we had the sex education talk and we made you say PENIS, PENIS, PENIS- VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA? You thought that was a freaking riot! Red cheeks and all! So what gives? Wait is this because you think we are automatically referring to you moms boobs? Well heaven forbid your mom, a WOMAN has boobs! Or is it because you cannot stand looking at boobs in front of your mom? Well then we have done something wrong if you are ashamed of the female body and all its glorious shapes, curves and dimensions in front of another woman! What is it? No son of mine is going to ramble on with some form of weird embarrassment over a hand drawn set of circles that look conspicuously enough like a set of boobs! (+)(+)

Then it dawned on us, he saw two circles, we saw two circles, he still remained steadfast in his attempt to thwart any assistance given by his mother, his mother remained steadfast in breaking down that wall. Hence forth two circles that once were nothing more than an equal equation in a math problem became the nucleus for an excuse. By acting as though we had stained his little eyes, burned an unwanted image into his brain, leaving him to die upon the sword of our humor amidst an assumed embarrassment. He believed homework time would be over, a byproduct of our apologies for such inappropriate behavior on our parts. Crying at the table, head in our hands, relished to failure as parents for our poor lack of judgment, he could leave the table thusly going about his evening bypassing another painful night of math while feeling as though he finally got the upper hand!

Hmmmm in retrospect, quick thinking young grasshopper! I am impressed at how fast you grabbed ahold of an opportunity to exploit a situation hoping for instant benefit and gratification… In many instances this quick thinking may have brought forward a prosperous outcome. This would not be one of them!

BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS (+)(+) Do you see them???? BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS!!!!!

Now do your damn homework!

 

 

So you want to become a dad?

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This holiday season our family has been surrounded by our dearest family and friends. During this festive spectacular there has been ample time for Betty to ponder the meaning of or too my life.  Now we all know there are many theories in regards to the meaning of life, and each one of us has a different feeling about how life relates to us as individuals. One such couple who I care about immensely has left me befuddled, challenged, and as though there is a damned up reservoir of advice for which I should be sharing. But also with the knowledge opening these flood gates to soon would unnecessarily drown them both.

These two love birds are about to jump off the relationship cliff by getting married. Hurray! We are seriously so happy for them both!!!!

But a topic continually arises in regards to the more domestic side of two lovers joined at the hip. CHILDREN! Should they procreate? Shouldn’t they? How many little genetic markers should they raise? Can they handle the unpredictable, emotional strains friends say children may bring to their lives? Would they even make good parents?

Then the question that always precedes the sigh of frustration; If you were to do it all over again would you still have had children?

First and foremost because they are worried about a future with children shows they care and is definitely a GREAT sign! So many children are brought into this world with no plan, no understanding of the responsibility, and no real physical or emotional commitment.  Many times children are born with the best of intentions, until one or both parents hits their first giant wall of emotion without the ability to seek out help or ask for assistance. Then everyone in the family suffers.

This future husband is a caring kind-hearted man with a spectacular sense of humor who values family. He is so worried about this one aspect (children) of the upcoming relationship solidification, and I personally find it to be sweet.

It dawned on me that no man should have to have to worry this much! No one explained parenthood to me other than to say it will happen if I didn’t provide protection! I was only given the generic description of events to come, as in late nights, no sleep, no friends, poopy diapers etc! After our nuptials were completed grief from every family member we ever encountered in regards to when we were going to have our own little clones was all we received! Not one conversation started with general pleasantries or curiosity into how marriage may or may not have changed our lives, oh no! Every talking point was always the repeated squealing of a broken record; when ya gonna have kids (skip) when ya gonna have kids? (skip) when ya gonna have kids? (skip)

Sad….

So after 3 years of writing this little blog, trying my hardest to share a Fathers side of marriage and raising children, it is time to help a fellow brother out! Give him some cred and lift him up! Let him know it is ok to wonder, it is ok to be scared, and I am here for him when ever he needs me. How am I going to help this man you ask? Well how nice of you to ask! By explaining what being a parent IS and what it IS NOT! Of course this is purely from this fathers perspective. (there might be a few marriage tie inns as well)

WHAT BEING A FATHER IS NOT

Glamorous; No matter how anyone tries to sell parenthood there is nothing glamorous about being a dad.  There are no Ward Cleaver moments, Eight really is enough, The Brady Bunched things up for you and its open season on Partridges! Things are quite simply never tied up in a neat little bow in under 20 minutes and 9 times out 10 you can’t fix everything with a hug. You will never be able too juggle your job, after school activities, dirty diapers, runny noses, and the occasional vomit then expect to come home slide ever so carelessly into a $5000.00 dollar tuxedo, expect the misses to look like a Bond girl ready for the taking while you fire up the Aston Martin for a night at the Casino. Martini’s shaken, not stirred!

Easy: Don’t ever believe for one moment you have it all figured out, because if you do, it hurts twice as hard once you realize you don’t! Parenting is hard work, every single second of it is hard! Rewarding, but hard! You can’t just turn parenting off, set it down and go shoot hoops with the guys down the street! Throwing your child in a locked room while you watch Monday night football with the boys down at Hooters is also out of the question! Just because you taped a daycare placard upon the closet door doesn’t make it so!  I know you think the kid will be fine, rooms dark, he should sleep and wont even know you are gone right? NO! BAD, BAD, BAD! It’s not even an option moron! From late nights rocking junior to sleep,(that’s right buddy its your job as well as the wife’s) to cleaning everything, fixing scraped knees, doing homework, forcing yourself to actually become smarter than a fifth grader (yeah you will quickly learn your degree don’t mean shit). Parent teacher conferences, rashes, sickness, crazy questions, arguments, sleepless nights, bratty friends, good friends, snobby parents, caring parents, children’s sports, children’s obnoxious sport parents and so on, and so on, and so on… There will be days you will feel so numb from exhaustion you may find yourself at the park napping on a concrete bench only to be mistaken for a homeless man.

Scheduled: If you are a person who lives and dies by your calendar you are doomed my friend! Who needs everything to fit in a nice neat little box of time or emotion anyways right? You will fail and its ok! Toddlers don’t run on a clock trust me! You can have nap time at the same time everyday, but it doesn’t mean you will get that entire block to yourself! And it only gets worse as they get older! Between school and sports you will re-learn the importance of HAVING a calendar while ignoring the time boundaries for which that very same calendars foundation is formed! Layman’s terms? -LEARN TO GO WITH THE FLOW MAN!

Sanitary: In the early days you will clean more strange, smelly substances than an Emergency room orderly! Heck some days you may even have a touch of something spewed, sneezed or wiped, stuck directly to your clothes! (Hopefully your James Bond Tux has a great dry cleaner)There will even be a time when you notice people have begun standing a bit away from you during conversation. Now while you are understandably perplexed by this newly found distance, wondering if it’s a coincidence or not, trust me when I say it is you!

Don’t worry about those people anymore,anyways, because after a while you will stop caring! Also you will quit looking over your shoulders, sleeves or sniffing your clothes for baby remnants! It just wont matter! Around the three to six month phase you will stop caring about the fact you are wearing the same clothes day after day, and the smell of every possible baby stench in the world will no longer resonates within your sniffer! Nope you are now a true entrenched father! 5 O’clock shadow, JC Penny sweats, disheveled hair and all. It is a disgusting badge of honor, it is the first step to never having a real wardrobe again and it will in the end bring a certain peace to your egotastic vanity; so wear it proudly.

Without conflict: You and your spouse will fight over the stupidest things! I know she folds the towels all wrong and refuses to turn off the bathroom light! But believe me the fights will reach a new level of stupidity! Rivaling a group of ten-year old boys engaging in verbal judo on the ball field! Yes you two are best friends, the two amigos, this is your best bud, your party girl, the woman who drinks beer one night like the boys then classes it up in a knock out dress while caressing a glass of wine the next!  But put a bun in that oven and all bets are off! Her body morphs faster than a Decepticon, her opinions change by the minute, her maternal instincts take over, the baby begins sucking the life out of her and blam! Your ship of freedom has sailed! You being the stubborn man you are continue searching for your lost buddy with boobs, your amigo, your sex with my best friend high-five afterwards partner in crime! But guess what pally? That ship has sailed! Blame it on exhaustion, brooding, misunderstandings, low blood sugar, what ever! Having a child will test the very meddle that is your relationship!She is still there, trust me, and you will find a whole new beauty to the woman you love, but get ready to shed your former life. I know it sounds bad right now, but it is so worth it in the end.

There will also be times where your parenting is nowhere near on the same page, when the two of you will become ships in the night, passing casually from time to time with nothing more than a horn for bellowing at each other. You will feel at times disconnected from one another. It sucks! It really sucks but it is the way it is! You can put each other first, put the children first, do what ever it takes or do nothing at all, but you will need to figure out how to raise this child together and you will need to work on your relationship all the time! If you don’t, you will suffer and so will your children. There will also be conflict as your children become teenagers. It’s what I call “poking the bear”and you better be ready! Oh they start poking the bear early on, challenging your parental authority, your patience, your mental acuity and your ability to recover. But it really hits hard once that nasty angry, hormone raging, puberty comes around. I have found over time that anger and yelling is definitely not the answer when dealing with this teenage metamorphosis. Staying firm and direct always wins when dealing with untamed emotions! Teaching your children to have a good sense of humor about their minor transgressions is also a good thing. There is an old saying I have plagiarized for years; He who yells first looses.  They can be absolutely disrespectful little shits that you want to beat within an inch of their lives as venom spews from their massive unrestricted pies holes. But staying calm while talking with a very firm almost terrifying tone wins each and every time. Once things have settled down, talking about what they were trying to accomplish also helps their young minds expand and become one with a future in adulthood.  Teenagers have wild emotional swings that are really not their fault, if we as parents can remain calm both parties win.

WHAT A BEING A FATHER IS

Humbling: I don’t care how tough you think you are, how many bullets you took in a gangland rumble, shrapnel from Afghanistan, bucking broncs you rode at NFR, Harley s you’ve built, Bulls you wrestled! MMA fighter, Doctor, scientist, Police Officer, Fireman, Garbage man, banker or lawyer.  I don’t care if you are this years Nobel Peace Prize recipient! The moment you hold a child, your child for the very first time, unless you are a piece of shit heartless bastard it will bring you to tears. Look into the face of that little wrinkled, pale, writhing, shaking life that now depends on you. That’s right buddy this human is a part of YOU! A baby’s cooing will make even the strongest mans knees buckle. That emotion never changes either. I cried just as hard as the day he was born on the day he left for college, you see in my eyes this one child had taken everything there was to give and now off into the world he went. I was spent, I was proud, I was filled with love, I was humbled by what God had entrusted me and my wife with. A life…

Full of mistakes: Hey big shot guess what? You are not perfect! Sure you scored four touch downs in a single high school game, went to college on scholarship, dated the homecoming queen, and now own the most successful flooring business in the tri-state area! Being a father is all about making mistakes and you sir are going to make them whether you like it or not! You are going to make huge, gigantic and at times what feels like irreversible mistakes! SO WHAT!!!! Do you know what separates the good dads from the bad ones? The ability to recognize those mistakes and act accordingly! Everything you have accomplished in life to this point doesn’t mean shit! You are now the CEO of a new company!  Corporations have merged creating a new entity and you need to give this start-up 100%! These people we bring into this world learn by watching and they are watching from the very minute they are born. If you act like an ass don’t question why your kid acts like an ass! If you treat people like shit expect the very same in return as they grow older. If you continually show compassion, empathy, creativity, solid ethics and an ability to communicate effectively you, your wife, and your children will all win! You wont always be perfect at it, but winners you will become. I have said this before many times but learning to say you’re sorry when you are wrong, sometimes even when you don’t feel as though you should apologize and your child will grow doing exactly the same. Being a dad is about setting a good example, but that example is not set by being perfect. It is set by being perfectly honest with yourself.

Rewarding: For every twenty set backs to your selfish life. (of course you didn’t know you were selfish until you had kids and your wife points it out to you. Over and over and over again) There are those moments. Moments that will stay with you forever. Moments that stir emotions within a man suppressed by modern-day society. Moments like the first time I saw my child walk on his own. Or when they draw you a picture and write; daddy I love you on it. When they climb in bed with you in the middle of the night or laugh at your impressions while reading a story. The first time they ride a bike, or sing on stage and to you looks like Travis Pastrana jumping buses or sounds like angels harmonizing in heaven. A solo with the clarinet, your daughter who was terrified riding a horse, now doing so with perfection and loving it! Letting them catch-all the fish on a day trip or helping them tie their shoes. It’s all the little things that make up the day. Its remembering not to let your shitty day fall upon their tiny shoulders because their hearts are so big they will gladly carry that burden for you without even knowing they are doing it. Coloring, legos, playing on the swing-set or jumping on the trampoline with them. Camping, smores and scary ghost stories. Watching them grow and evolve, change shape and voice tone. I once came across an old voice mail as we were changing out the system in my firehouse. It was my 14-year-old when he was 8. The sound of his little voice politely asking my voice mail for his dad to answer the phone please had me bawling like a baby. I hadn’t realized just how much this child had transitioned to almost man status until I heard the lost squeaky voice of his prepubescent age. It is still getting a hug and an; I love you dad, after they’ve turned 18. For all the freedoms given up, conquests never taken,  and selfish time disappeared there isn’t a moment I would trade, a second I would change or give up, for five minutes of being surrounded and loved by my children.

To my friend, I hope this helps your decision, I hope it made you laugh and puts you at ease.

If Love conquers all… Loving your children is the greatest reward.

family

 

 

 

 

 

2015- I cant wait to meet you.

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AND NOW A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE…

On January 1, 2014 I wrote this piece, posting it on the 2nd. My 2015 post is at the bottom of the page..

The Face of Leukemia 2014

Posted on January 2, 2014 by

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2014 Day 1……..

364 days to live.

364 days to wake up every morning, count our blessing and live. 364 days to write a new and exciting story! You see my dearies pontificating New Years resolutions involving the standard fare of weight loss, higher education, finding love, spending more time with our children, adding onto the house, finding a better job, saving more money, vacationing more, visiting family and friends and so on and so on is just not my style this year. But watching my wife live is.

364 days, until I can count 365 more days of life lived, 365 days written into the history books of our family. Cancer has this funny way of cheating you from a reality lived by so many others, changing the way your life story is told.  Cancer also has a way of sticking in your craw like an annoying persons laugh or an itch you just cant scratch.  It’s there, no one else can see it, no one else can feel it, only those who have it, or love someone burdened by it understand, yet the rest of the world just goes on with its business of worrying about resolutions for which a majority will sadly never achieve.

A new year a new fear.

We are winning this battle! Jacys superwoman body has done incredibly well! The last bone marrow draw showed no signs of Leukemia swimming in her blood, lurking in the darkness like an evil monster. Consolidation therapy starts on Monday and she will begrudgingly return to the hospital for 5 days of chemotherapy.  Her strength is back, she is feisty as ever, feeding horses in the morning and an occasional walk in the afternoon! (rumor has it she was spotted jogging on a levee, but its only a rumor) The next round of therapy will knock her down again and from what we understand recovery gets harder each time she finishes a session. She will come home weaker and a little sicker. Chemotherapy is not for the light-hearted, these patients (my wife included) are my heroes as I have witnessed the strain it places on the human body.  Yet Super Jacy has never deterred from her mission. Kicking cancers ass one cell at a time!

A fear still remains though. What if it (Leukemia) comes back? What if her white blood cell count doesn’t recover? What if she catches a common cold during these periods, (something that could kill her) what if?????? These are fears we will live with for the rest of our lives.  Every cough that arises, every sniffly nose, every fever, every-time she feels run down, for the rest of her life she will need to go have blood drawn and see the doctor. 3 more times to go, 3 more week-long sessions, three more weeks of hell.  In the end, a small price to pay to live. Jacy promised me she loved me enough to beat this, she is keeping her word.

Day 1…. Today began our 2014 journey and Jacy spent it the only way she knew how.

It was a day filled with visiting friends, making her children laugh, planning a birthday party for her son and wondering whether or not to shave the small patches of hair fighting against the laws of chemistry. Little strands hanging on for dear life, trying their very best to make my wife look like a chia pet. Biggest decision of the day? Shave the head or let those little hairs grow only to meet an untimely death in 4 days.

With the beginning of a new year I wonder about the thousands of other spouses, significant others, and children all living and loving someone close to them with Leukemia. I worry about the ones who struggle to support their loved ones without the means of expression such as writing brings to me.  Do they lay in bed at night afraid of the darkness, wondering how long, why them, all while scooting a little closer to the one they love just to feel their body heat. Are they ok, do they know its ok to feel the way they feel, can they find peace? I am sure they do and I am just rambling, but its in my nature to worry about everyone and everything.

So welcome 2014! I welcome you with open arms (and Betty’s arms are plenty big enough) for the hug of a lifetime! 2014 we hope you are filled with many misadventures, happiness and love! But most of all 2014, we pray you don’t leave us reeling like your bastard predecessor 2013 did! But if you do, not to worry, the story you tell will be interesting none the less…

364 days… The story begins right now…

images-18And what a story the year 2014 became.

2014 was indeed a year of highs and lows and yes I embraced it all with open arms.

Leukemia, sickness, emergency rooms, a torn up knee, a hurt back, a bum shoulder, my horse injured yet again.  An old friend lost while other old friends struggled to understand why?

A senior headed off to college, a Freshman headed to Nationals for rodeo, a daughter no longer scared of horses and trying her hardest to train them herself. A littlest son, discovering his love for art, painting, drawing, and creating.

Hundreds of new friends, family members united, a wife who Kicked Cancers Ass and cheated death!

2014 was indeed a challenge; it has left myself feeling many years older than my earthly age. I am tired, worn, raw, broken and quite frankly even though there were scattered good times, very glad to see it go!.  This year found me working hard at remaining mentally strong throughout the first half while floundering physically during the second half. It was indeed a struggle to keep a positive attitude at times, but thankfully I had an entire village of people supporting me, something I will never forget.

Highs and lows, isn’t that what its all about? Highs and lows?  We travel this pathway of life learning, absorbing, growing and hoping one day we understand what it all means. Changing, evolving, sculpting our little piece or niche that we can point to and claim as our own, our destiny, our end game.

I don’t know what’s in store for this year 2015. So many things swimming in my head about life, the future and what it may or may not hold for myself and our family. What direction our lives should take, both personally and professionally. What lays around the corner, hiding in the darkness? Are more demons waiting to rear their ugly heads, further terrify our souls or is this family finally going to see a silver lining surrounding us for some time to come? My fingers remain crossed…

Either way there is one thing I know for sure, I am and always have been a believer in new beginnings; that each day you arise from slumber a fresh day awaits you like a clean chalkboard, an empty etch a sketch, or a blank canvas just waiting for your creation.  No matter the pain felt inside, no matter the physical or mental limitations holding you down, and no matter the baggage carried by others in your name. A new day awaits. But one must remember, with a new day comes a responsibility to create, otherwise it is just that and nothing more. Only your vision achieved through hard work and positive thinking can mold an unforgettable day, a brighter week and eventually with time and practice a spectacular year.

No one can hand you these skills, no one can will you an outcome, steal success for you or force you into making changes you need to succeed. Just you, only you, and only through an ability to let go of the past and look forward to a brighter future.

So even though I am tired, worn, raw and broken, a new year is on the horizon and with it, anticipation for 364 more days of creation…

Betty thanks you for following me in 2014 and wishes you all the very happiest of New Years…. 2015 here we come!