Let me preface today’s writings with a statement: I promised my wife I would keep writing, telling the truth and never masking it or watering it down for the sake of others and that if our story and struggle could help just one person understand they are not alone then we have done our job. Well the “we” has turned to me. Just me and it is daunting to be a me, not a we. So please share/like/subscribe to this blog share our story with everyone you know, because if many can be reached, then maybe the “me” can become a “we” again.
“Sorrow is a bird that sits in the rain. Hunkered down on a branch you see it from the comfort of your window. You think; how sad, that bird is cold and rain soaked beyond its feathers there must be something I can do. But there is nothing you can do, for you cannot help the bird because the bird knows what its up against and understands it must deal with what life has thrown it’s way. There is nothing you can say, for doing so may cause it to panic, flying deeper into the storm, you simply must watch painfully as the sky rains down upon it. For a time the bird must remain sorrowful.”
I am currently drowning in a sea of sorrow and tears.
The darkness in my heart holds me down under its weight. Each day it is becoming harder and harder to leave the house for any reason.
Everywhere I turn I see her face, each place in town or a restaurant or the grocery store or, or, or it never ends. Look there is a grey Honda Odyssey in the parking lot, maybe she is inside and I can surprise her? You never realize just how many grey Honda’s there are out there until you drop kids off at school. You also don’t realize how fast after the one you love is gone, free from all the pain and suffering that your mind takes you back and leaves you with images pre-Leukemia.
There is no reason she would be parked here at the grocery store with the Honda. She hadn’t driven in over 3 years. But that is the crazy game your mind plays with you. It sucks! It really sucks and it hurts a lot!
Lately my mind has been playing the cruelest trick of all. Reminding me or telling me how inadequate I really was and how much better I could or should have been.
Over the last few months, I had really hit bottom when it came to caring for myself. No sleep as it took all night to care for my wife and during the day I had children, ranch and pick up/drop off duties. Plus all the house chores with cooking and cleaning. Of course then there was doctor’s appointments, shuffling her to her dads, oh yeah and then for 48 hours a week I was a kind, caring firefighter for the citizens of our little community. I really was a real life walking zombie.
I found every excuse I could to stay away a few minutes longer when I got out of the house, (I rarely left her alone and only left when she was lucid) to get a break from wet beds, pee on the floor, picking her up because she was suffocating herself in her sleep due to the high number of drugs she was taking. Listening to her tell the same story over and over again as I simply nodded my head while coldly scrolling through my phone because I knew she couldn’t see me due to her GvHD induced blindness. I hate myself for that, I hate myself for every minute I spent away from best friend. Not because I really didn’t want to be with her, but because I just needed a minute to breathe. It was selfish and wrong, I will hate myself forever for not spending those moments engaged or by her side.
What makes things even worse lately is a few things.
My brain also won’t stop replaying every little thing she said to me over the last few months which currently leaves me hearing things I didn’t hear before due to mental exhaustion.
Jacy was starving for my attention! Not the attention I was giving her, the kind of attention she desperately needed. Approval.
I should have thrown the chores to the side and laid next to her more watching movies.
I should have cuddled her more.
I should have spent more time listening and less time talking.
I should have told her I thought she was beautiful despite what GvHD had done to her body. She hated the way she looked and I told her I loved her no matter what, and that I always would which was always followed with a kiss. What I should have said was I think you are beautiful, over and over again.
I should have never left her side even for a moment.
I miss her so badly and just the thought of her sweet face makes me cry. I can’t sleep, not really a fan of eating anymore, I am down to one meal a day. Thankfully I am not drinking on a regular basis or alone. I tried but it just made things worse, so very worse.
I am angry at all of you.
I am sad and angry that we won’t celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. I had big plans for that one. Watching all of you happily celebrating your anniversaries and birthdays and love, it just makes me angry at God for taking my best friend away. It’s not your fault, but it stings and I don’t understand why the people I love keep dying.
If one more person tells me to find the positives I swear to Christ I am going to punch someone! There are no positives! I cannot for the life of me understand why? Why are there so many pieces of shit walking this earth and the one human being who showed me how to believe in love, humanity, and selflessness is taken from this world in such a horrific way! I watched her die!!! I can never erase that image from my fucking head!
Jacy would always tell me she knew, she always knew that she was supposed to be with me. That god had guided her way and always been the strength in her life!
So was she sent here to rescue me? Was she my own personal angel and now the time has come for her to go home and if so, how could God leave her to suffer so much before she went? I just don’t understand that either. She was in so much pain, every single day, she lost her sight, couldn’t breathe, had to live with broken ribs that wouldn’t heal, always felt like someone was squeezing her chest, retained water like a camel, lost all bladder control and couldn’t walk to the front door without a full blown panic attack!!! This poised, loving, caring, mother of four, church going, humanitarian and god loving human being was left with no dignity at the end!
Then I think it was all the medications that killed her! I mean it’s what I do for a living and yet we blindly follow the doctor’s orders! Most of her medications caused many of the problems she was suffering from under the guise of providing relief!
Or maybe I am just looking for blame because I am mad, because I will never press her cheek against mine again, feel her whisper in my ear, hear I love you. You know that really hurts.
Oh and she won’t be there for Parker and Jessica’s graduation, all the kids marriages and forth coming grandchildren! She won’t be there for mother’s day, no longer around for everyone’s birthdays all the things she enjoyed about life.
Don’t even get me started on Christmas!
Yeah I am a ball of fun!
What do I do? How do I go forward? Each day is getting harder, not easier! I stare at her pictures and want them to talk to me so badly!!! About anything!! Hell I’d even like to hear about the last episode she watched in regards to the Real Asshole Housewives of any fucking stupid city!!
But the pictures don’t talk, they just remind me of a time that was and will never be again. They hurt my heart, they make me wish I had one more day to say I love you, one more day to apologize for any day I was short with her or not on my game, one more day to hear her tell Cody to have a good day on the way out the door or have her tell me Jake called her and it made her day! One more day to hear all the dirty little gossip she learned from Jessica after an hour long bed and dumb television session between the two of them. One more day to laugh as her Parker watch a movie together and they both make silly comments to each other in regards to the flick they would be watching! One more day to hear about how the dogs all piled on top of her, scaring her but at the same time relishing in their doggie love. One more day to hear about how when she was stronger she was taking me to England to show me all the cool things she loved about that country. One more day to hear the story about how she became a firefighter, which of course led to us meeting and how she counted those blessing each and every day.
But of course I know if I had one more day that would lead to me wanting just one more day.
I see her walking out of Stanford triumphantly after 8 months. Crying tears of joy because she felt like she had a chance to live again.
I see lots of things, I am reliving lots of things, I am dying inside over lots of fucking things over and over and OVER AGAIN!
I really am having trouble envisioning a world without my wife in it. It just doesn’t seem fair or right, or both. Not completely for me either, but for all of you, and to the world. She had such big dreams that would have benefitted so many. I would have been so proud to help her see her dreams come to fruition while continuing on as the Montessori kids used to call me; Mr. Jacy.
And thus none of this will happen and here I am on a capsized boat named life. I have no life vest and I am drowning, slowly.
Drowning in a sea of tears..
I know you can’t say it back. But I love you Jacy..
6 thoughts on “Sorrow is a bird…”
Flow river flow … better out than in. I am sorry for your pain, I know no words from any of us can help you right now, but I am still sorry. I don’t know how you are feeling, I don’t ever want to know either, but still I am so very sorry. No one can ever fault you for how you are feeling, sad, angry, heart broken, house broken, lost … it is all there jumbled together in confusion and pain, yet the love is also still there and you feel that too. Hopeful words and expressions are not helping you right now, but you know that the kids and Jacy’s love is till surrounding you as well as ours. So lost, sad, and hopeless you may be at this point in time I hope you will find your way back to wellness, happiness, and hope someday soon. You of all people are most deserved of these things. Big hugs from all of the Ellis’
Your words and feelings remind me to hold my loved ones close, not let moments go by where I am not fully present, attentive, loving. It can be so easy for me to get bothered, caught up in my own thoughts or feelings and not be attentive. I hear your deep sorrow, pain and loss, James. Just keep on keeping on smack dab in the middle of it all. Be nothing but yourself. It will all be until it won’t be anymore. YOU ARE ENOUGH just as you are. Jacy will always be in your front row loving you through these dark days of sorrow. So grateful you can let us all in. So sad that you have go through such sorrow.
Sending you love.
Oh James…my heart aches for you. Thank you for letting it out and letting us in. No words I have will comfort you. I care, I pray, I hope, and I wish the day will come where joy enters your heart sooner than later. Hugs, Debbie
Sweetie she would be scolding you right now, but I won’t because sometimes I feel the same way!
When my dad died & I was a stubborn, selfish teenager that had stopped hanging out with him. I know the feeling of regret & wanting more time😥. I’m SO sorry! Oh, and the not understanding why some useless, shit people get to live & some of the very best & productive go too soon….. that makes this world awfully hard to deal with lately. She’s there with you; just talk with her❤️❤️❤️❤️🦋
Yeah the whole useless people thing has me baffled constantly. I know she is with me, I do talk to her constantly, and its funny because in a way she answers me back. I always seem to know the answer after our very one sided conversations. Maybe that is 17 years of listening to each other or maybe it is her answering me. I think you know what I believe.