Tag: fatherhood

The Faces of Leukemia. Today

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Today the faces of leukemia came from far and wide. Gathered in a small gymnasium to help support a teacher, a mother, a wife, a friend.  They came from church, a walk on a warm Sunday afternoon, they came from the store, Christmas shopping, from watching the football game, but they came. They came to be tested, a simple DNA swab of the cheek looking to be the next bone marrow transplant match!

Today the faces of Leukemia looked me in the eyes. Some cried, many smiled, almost every one of those faces hugged me. People I have never met, people who know people, who know my wife, people who know people, who know other people who know my wife. People.

Today the faces of Leukemia were happy, excited, the way one is excited at an opportunity to win the lottery and  in an offhanded way they did have that chance. Becoming a bone marrow match is truly (in my opinion) an honor. One bestowed upon a “hero”. Because that’s what you are once chosen. A Hero! You now have the ability to change someones fate. Helping save a life simply by donating something you have matching something they need to survive. If that isn’t heroic then I don’t know what is!

Today 193 people made it into Blood Sources registry! ONE HUNDRED NINETY THREE new members of an elite club, praying they are chosen to receive that call! They may never get the call but like winning the lottery even though the chances are slim, you can’t win if you don’t play! And play they did!photo 3

Today the faces of Leukemia continued to come and go, many I knew personally, more I did not. This day, this Sunday in a small school gymnasium, I hugged more people than ever in my meager life. Each and every one of them who asked or just greeted me with a hug received the very best hug I could give. It was least I could do to say thank you on this day, today.

Tonight my heart tonight is overflowing with love.  Emotionally spent, tired, typing this is extremely hard as for once finding the right words to describe these feelings is challenging. My family is like everyone else’s family, we work hard, go to school and church, we donate when we can and always try to help our fellow neighbor. We are nothing special by any means. But today it felt as if my wife was a rock star! She has always been one as far as I am concerned. But I guess our little town thinks so too! So humbling, so amazing, so inspiring, so much love and admiration held for everyone who helped run our bone marrow drive along with every single person who took time from their day to come down.photo 1

Today when we opened the doors at 0900 and started setting up I prayed we would get at least 50 people. 50 people would have been awesome, as 10am rolled around some friends came by and a few more trickled in. My sister was there working a table along with lots of personal friends and coworkers. Standing out front all I could think was dear lord just let us get 50 registered today please! I never ask you for much, I always ask on behalf of someone else, but please help me out today with at least 50 people joining this registry.Then at around 11 am it happened. Cars came in slowly at first then a little more and suddenly we were inundated with people from everywhere! Shaking hands and hugging people I knew, didn’t know, friends, family and acquaintances! They just kept coming and coming and it was, well it was, AWESOME!!!!

Today a community pulled together for one of its own and that person just so happened to be the woman I love, my best friend, my wife. Talking with a dear friend it came to discussion how amazing it is, we all live together, go about our daily routines, passing each other paths without so much as recognition at times and yet when one is in trouble we all head the call. We all band together to protect one of our own and even if you don’t know that person, you may be friends or family with someone who does and that’s good enough for you. Now they are one of your own as well.

Today talking with all the wonderful people of this town it amazed me how true that last statement really was, as through these conversations I knew people in passing. As friends of friends, as family members of other family members, and in realizing this just how connected we all really have become. A community. Six hours came and went in a flash. It was astounding. Reporting home to my wife who was surrounded by close family and friends, she sat in awe of all the fuss. But to me it makes perfect sense. We all touch someone in our lives, some of us are fortunate to touch many people either in spirit or through deed. Jacy is one of those people, she shines brightly on all in her life. She brings a joy and happiness to those around her that is hard to deny. She cares about everyone, is passionate about her students, and loves her family. She is Jacy.

Today I saw the true meaning of community. Today we may have saved someones life.  Today I felt love and compassion on a whole new scale. Today I came home humbled by it all. Today I thanked God for answering my prayers.

Today, is the start of tomorrow. Thank you all for giving me that…

Tonight I will sleep quietly next to my sweet wife, wrapped in the warmth of every single hug I received,

Today.

Still kicking cancers ass one cell at a time!

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The Faces of Leukemia (December 12, 2013)

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Sun shines upon my face, the warmth of its gentle touch brings peace to a troubled soul. I can stand outside, I can walk freely, I can run in the sun like a 6-year-old child filled with glee.  I, I, I, I, I……..I can.

Today came the slap in the face we have been waiting for, a realization that she cannot. Yes I knew this, yes I tried my best to shield her from this simple fact. But today not through talk but action, she realized finally and fully that she cannot.

Tears flowed like rain….

A healthy vibrant (although exhausted) mid thirties woman no more than 22 days ago has been reduced to a small stepping, feet shuffling, woman trapped within the confines of her own home.  She puts up a wonderful theatrical front for all to see. But once the curtains have closed the orchestra’s plucked its final chord, the seats silenced through desertion. She no longer needs be onstage, whats left of her energy and spirit emerges. For now, a bit broken, for now a bit low, for now a heavy weight upon her heart. For now sadness as a simple act of vacuuming the floor leaves her spirit crushed, her emotions raw.

When she feels as though she “can’t”, she looks into the mirror for strength, what she sees is not what you would expect. It is not the woman who 22 days ago had a full head of hair, its is not the 14 pounds lost from her full perfectly formed body, it is not sadness in her desperate eyes. Desperate only for answers as to why?

It is who she perceives to be the real “faces” of Leukemia.

(These are but a very small portion of family and friends we love and cherish all of you)

These faces that she loves so, who have taken up or absorbed her every waking morning since the moment they first met. The faces of her friends and extended family, the faces of those who uplift her in spirit and love.  The faces of Leukemia are far and wide, reaching as a pebbles ripple in a calm lake. Starting out with a small splash, tight and circular expanding, eventually touching every open space upon the water, becoming still upon reaching an open shore.

The faces of leukemia are all those touched by this disease. It starts with the victim, and I say victim because by definition that’s what you are, a victim. Every person within the victims sphere is touched, then every person who is friends or family with those people are touched and the ripple spreads.

One person affected by this disease turns into hundreds if not thousands of people effected. All reaching, all wondering why? Just as Jacy wonders why?

Just as I quietly wonder why?

So how many people can become the true faces of Leukemia? How large would a collage of faces become? What can we do help those people as they themselves process what is happening to those they know and care about?

We gain knowledge and we fight! Not for a week, not for a month, but for a year, and a year after that and we continue to fight! Because Jacy is not the only face, because there are hundreds of thousands of victims out there, hurting as she is hurting, wondering as all of you are wondering and sharing the very same pain and experiences. We fight!

Writing is how I fight. Helping with a Bone Marrow drive that not only will help my wife at some point but maybe find a match for someone else is how I fight. The faces of Leukemia range from a year old to the elderly, they are victims and as I have explained so are their families, friends and loved ones.  For them as well as my wife we must fight.

It is not enough to just walk through this world oblivious, thinking this will never happen to me. Because I guarantee if you know someone with cancer, if you have heard of cancer if you have felt the sting cancer leaves upon you then Yes it can happen to you.

So today and everyday we must keep the faces of leukemia in our minds, the faces of all cancer patients in our hearts and we must fight…. Suffering a loss is not an option, celebrating a victory no matter how small is….

We must keep kicking cancer ass, one cell at a time..

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The Face of Leukemia (December 7, 2013)

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IMG_2037Hair:

We trim it, grow it, wax it, shave it, style it, comb it, do crazy things with these human DNA carrying follicles for attention. Hair, its funny we don’t really think all too much about hair as it’s an assumed portion of our anatomy. From the day we are born all of us walk through life with hair of some kind layering our bodies; some more than others and some less than others by choice, but hair none the less. imagesCAQUXXXU

But there is an elite crowd of human beings walking this earth. They belong to a very special club. A club that no one wants to join, no one person is standing at the clubhouse door banging fervently to get inside. No one..  Yet rumor has it close to one million people are card-carrying members of this fraternity.  One million people have come as close to death as you can get then climbed their way back inheriting a lifetime membership along the way. One million people. Think about that for a second….

So what do these one million plus club members have to do with hair?

They don’t have any! That is right, not one single follicle, not a stray, a sprig, a whisker or unkept eyebrow. It hasn’t been shaven down to the epidermis or plucked by a crazy tweezers wielding lunatic. Every single hair, all 140,000 strands of color enhanced, vanity driven strands are gone.

This of course is the norm when you are enrolled in the chemotherapy club, everyone’s worst nightmare right?  Its funny really when you think about it, we as a society put so much emphasis on our hair.

Turning grey or tired of your look- Color it, trim it, shape it.

Falling out- Rogaine

Thinning- Hairclub for men/transplants/comb over

Trends- Shave it, mohawk it, pixie cut, curls, bun, dreadlocks, cornrows, bob, etc..

And yet when it has all fallen out, what emphasis is there? To wear a hat or a scarf? As a chemotherapy club member you never have to worry about haircuts, dyes, styles etc.. All you need to worry about is whether or not your noggin stays warm.  There are thousands of hats, scarfs, and bandanas to choose from, or hey just step out like Mr. Clean and rock that shit!

Imagine waking up one morning and finding all of your hair-and I mean ALL OF YOUR HAIR gone. You are lying in a bed of your own hair. Pubic hair, pit hair, leg hair and arm hair and of course the hair from your head. What would you do? How would you feel? Would you smile taking the high road and consider it just another chapter in your already interesting life? Or would you curl up into a ball, terrified to walk amongst the hair gifted for fear of being spotted, ridiculed by the insensitive or pitied by the ill-informed. I am not making a judgement for one way or the other, but if I had my choice I am pretty sure a bitchen tattoo would make its way onto my dome, helping me to celebrate the obvious. I am still alive and kicking cancers ass! Now in no way am I advocating for my wife to get a tattoo on her head. It was purely a rhetorical question.

Why am I traveling down this little pathway? Because that is exactly what happened today. Jacy started officially losing her hair. Its coming out a thin handful at a time, and when she sits up in bed her hair looks like a dog when it sheds. Strands poking out of everywhere with strands littering her pillow. Staring at this and fighting an overwhelming urge to pull them out myself (it’s the ape in me) I found myself pondering those very questions. Thinking about all the times I cracked ignorant jokes about looking as a chemo patient to friends. How would I feel? How would you feel if this was happening to you?

Now luckily enough a sense of humor is what all of our friends and family have and my wife is no different. We have joked heartily about her losing hair and tomorrow I am going to shave it all off to save her from choking to death in the middle of the night on an unruly chia pet looking clump! But just the same it has changed my sensitivity level or judging from that last crack maybe it hasn’t? I digress…

Do you really want to know how much you love someone? Do you really want to understand if you or your partner are shallow and vain? Shave each others heads and see if one of three things happen.

  1. You both laugh until snot blows from your nostrils then fall into each others arms with smiles upon your faces.
  2. You realize in that moment you partner is hands down the most beautiful person you have ever known.
  3. You stare at each other uncomfortably acknowledging you are so shallow that you cannot see the beauty within. Only the trappings of what is on the outside.

Lucky for me as I stated previously this has changed my sensitivity towards others, and as far as my wife is concerned, well I have always seen the inner beauty of this woman. When I look into her eyes and kiss her lips there is nothing else. Bald or full of hair, when she smiles at me the world is a better place.  I don’t think she really knows the power her smile and personality carry in this world but I am pretty sure she is about to find out.

Anyways, Jacy already knows how to rock the bandana! That my friends is just freaking awesome!

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Kicking Cancers Ass once cell at a time!

 

 

The Face of Leukemia (December 6, 2013)

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THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!!!

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The joy, laughter and excitement of a young woman twirling, running and singing!

Yes that is the way I feel right at this very moment, for you see the woman I love has been given a bit of a reprieve! There are many unknowns in life but today we worked only on the “knowns” and the news was good, no great! News that our family needed to hear, and it was glorious!

So like a young woman in love, running across the Austrian hillsides, Betty is giddy with excitement! For you see this woman, this friend, partner and wife was told today by her doctor that she will live! She will live! SHE WILL LIVE!!!!!Unknown-4

Ok all funny drama aside, truth be told we went from a 5 year window two days ago to a 10 year window of survivability today! That ladies and gentlemen is huge! This specific strain of AML Jacy is carrying is the MOST treatable of all its ugly little counterparts.  No other abnormalities within those strains were detected either wich makes her chances for a longer happier life much more realistic. Tears of joy as my wife can now rest easy with the knowledge that barring any unforseen infections, relapses or just plain old crappy circumstances this woman, this mother of four will see all of her children grow up! For me personally that is exciting news to say the least. No one has spoken of remission yet but as strong as my wife is that is not out of the realm as far as I am concerned.

But through all the happiness, the baby steps towards recovery, the hard-fought singular battles.  There lies an undercurrent, a feeling for myself of  helplessness as I watch her slowly wither away (yes she is losing weight) unable to walk around the floor we are currently on without exhaustion. Suffering through boughts of diarrhea and nausea. She currently can’t eat because of sores in her mouth, a side effect of the chemotherapy. She doesn’t deserve to suffer like this, no one does, but especially my wife.  I want to carry this burden for her more than anything. Ease the struggle, take away the pain, remove worry and doubt. I want to do that for her, I need to do that for her and yet, there is no way for that to happen.

Her hair is finally starting to fall out and no matter how much I joke about it, or promise her she will remain the most amazingly beautiful woman I know, she is worried. Not for herself but for me, for her children. You see what she fears is it will scare the kids and I wont find her as attractive anymore. What she doesn’t understand, what I seem to have failed in all my attempts at communication throughout our marriage is; I see her from the inside out, I have always seen this amazing woman from the inside first. Now don’t get me wrong, my wife is incredibly beautiful on the outside as well!  But what makes her attractive, what makes those eyes shine so bright or her smile gleam under a mid day sun? It’s the radiance of her soul shining through.

So how do I convey to her that hair or no hair, skinny or fat, in shape or not, there is nothing that will ever change when I look deep into her eyes. The feeling I get while holding her hand, or the nervesnous still encasing me when she leans for a kiss? She needs to know, and I mean know that we will walk this path together, side by side and I will carry as much of the burden as humanly possible.  Fighting cancer is a WE thing, not a ME thing. No one fights alone, no one! And when that someone is the one you love, that trust, that honesty shared between you both from the moment you said “I do” throughout the years evolving and growing until this very moment, is exactly what the two of you use to lean on each other and make it through!

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, that was little bi-polar moment huh? Happy then somber, well then lets get back to happy shall we? 

Now where was I? Oh yes, THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SO- Oh to hell with it! We are KICKING CANCERS ASS!! YEAH!!!

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The Face of Leukemia (Saturday Nov 30 2013)

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Chemotherapy (often abbreviated to chemo) is the treatment of cancer with one or more cytotoxic anti-neoplastic drugs (“chemotherapeutic agents”) as part of a standardized regimen. Chemotherapy may be given with a curative intent or it may aim to prolong life or to palliate symptoms. It is often used in conjunction with other cancer treatments, such as radiation therapy or surgery. Certain chemotherapeutic agents also have a role in the treatment of other conditions, including ankylosing spondylitis, multiple sclerosis, Crohn’s disease, psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus, rheumatoid arthritis, and scleroderma.

A lot of really fancy words that add up to a great weekend at your local hospital huh? Over the last few days I’ve had numerous people ask me several question about chemotherapy and its effect. More specifically its effects on Jacy.

Heres what I have learned in the past 240 hours.

Chemotherapy is extremely hard on your system as it not only kills the “bad” cell or cells targeted for annihilation, but it also kills all the “good” cells in your system.  Hence the reason for a prolonged hospital stay.

While in the hospital you will experience several really interesting phenomenons.

  1. Night sweats-not just your average sweat either. Picture running the Boston marathon. On a 100 degree day. With 100% humidity. While wearing a garbage bag. Over your wool suit. You getting the picture yet? It is not uncommon to fall asleep and wake up in a virtual pool of sweat.
  2. Hot flashes- these aint no menopause, room is spinning type hot flashes either! These suckers come on like a mid summer Texas heat wave! 1450743_10202598276704690_1911443489_nThere isn’t enough water in Lake Tahoe to cool these bad boys down.
  3. Shivering- Whilst you are sweltering amidst your hot flashes, praying for something, anything to cool yourself down. Dont fret because not long after your hot flashes arrive the arctic bound shivers and shakes take over. Yep cold as ice, goosebumps so big there should be a hunting season and never ever enough blankets to bring you back to room temperature.
  4. Diarrhea- That’s right boys and girls no treatment for any life altering cancer would be complete without this little gem. Not your average diarrhea either. It glows! Hee hee, that’s right, it’s a bright yellow/greenish almost snap-light looking glow. It’s that special poo that makes a spectacle of itself.
  5. Mass urination need to go pee? Do it! Then in 10 minutes get up and do it again! Remember you have 1000’s of cc’s running through your system and thanks to chemotherapy killing you appetite, that stuff just filters right on through you.
  6. Loss of appetite- yep, best weight loss program on the planet. P90X, the biggest loser and Jenny Craig got nothing on this little regiment of fun! Simple really, just inject your body with near death chemicals then lay around for a week fighting the urge to vomit. Now throw some hospital food your way (uh yuck!) and there is no way you are gaining a single pound sister! Oh snap!
  7. Multiple needle sticks and blood draws- ever wonder what a pin cushion feels like? Well no more, because my dear you are now the human version. Got the runs? You get something to harden that up through an injection. Got constipation, you get something for that in an I.V., need blood, antibiotics, pain reliever, or anything else to counter react what ever you were given an hour ago! In it goes, through a needle stick or straight through an I.V.
  8. Uncontrollable sleep patterns- One minute you are having a nice conversation and BAM! You are ass out for the next four hours! Wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ten minutes later and BAM!  Back asleep for 6 more. Heck you may even fall asleep in the middle of talking with your doctor! Dont worry that information wasnt important! It’s going to be this way for a while so get a really good pillow Rumplestiltskin.
  9. Radioactive urine: Now this depends on the type of treatment you are getting, but once you start chemotherapy no one is allowed to use that 1456562_10202602458089222_1239893847_nbathroom but you! Wouldnt want your coin purse to glow in the dark you know.
  10. Chemo sores in unexpected places. Yep that’s right boys and girls if you pump the system with chemicals and they exit through you urinary tract/bowels guess what? Your skin doesn’t like it very much and reacts with fervor? I’ll just let that picture soak in for a while as you process and visualize your own personal nightmarish looking sores.
  11. Last but definitely not least Hair loss. Complete hair loss. You killed all those “good” cells with chemotherapy which means you killed the cells that deliver nutrients to your hair follicles. So suck it up Telly Savalis. Sinead O Connor has nothing on you. But when you get your triple XXX tattoo please make sure it’s centered correctly upon your neck. I would hate for you to look strange.

Over the last week Jacy has experienced all of these with the exception of sores and  hair loss.  So far we are attributing this to very careful hygiene and a solid barrier of protection delivered through a specified creme.  Diligence has been the utmost of priorities.  As far as the hair loss I am still hedging on stubborn Cuban genes, but the doctor has assured us both the hair will go and when it does, she will just wake up one morning to clumps of hair all over her pillow.

Tonight we sat across from each other and played words with friends. I know it sounds silly or even boring but for me it was awesome! She is in great spirits after her first day off chemotherapy.  The bathroom is still never far from her reach and the nausea is still there, but her beautiful smile is larger than ever and that kick ass attitude carries the same resilience.

Our doctor continues to remind us we have a long road to travel. The shivers come on uncontrollably and usually arrive about the time she is really starting to feel better.  No matter what happens she will need a bone marrow transplant and it will be a long week waiting for the ability to draw her own bone marrow for testing to see where we stand in regards to killing all of the ‘bad” cells.

As many of you know I took the end of the month off because this was the week we were supposed to go away and be together just her and I.  A break from children, the ranch and life in general; the type of break every marriage needs from time to time to reconnect. She had been asking for me to make this happen for quite sometime.  Apparently she unknowingly decided how it was  going to go, and short of not being able to sleep together in the same bed. No bar or drink service allowed, no swimming pool or spa for us to lounge about during the day. It hasn’t been all that bad. We have gotten a ton of alone time, meals (well just hers) delivered to our room, turn down service, cable t.v. and some serious privacy.  We have also spent quite a bit of time gazing into each others eyes, holding hands and softly saying “I love you” while the sun sets over the eastern wall of Kaiser.

I couldn’t have asked for a better partner to go on vacation with, even if it’s in a hospital, with a life altering event hovering over our heads. I love you Jacy, you are my best friend, one hell of a partner, hands down the most beautiful person I know both inside and out! As I said the day we married, I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

So lets keep kicking cancers ass!!

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The Face of Leukemia cont….

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(Sorry everyone I am a little exhausted today and my writing shows)

The next day brought a tsunami of nurses and doctors. They filled into Jacy’s room, each with a different explanation, each with an intended purpose, each wanting to ensure we knew what was happening and why. They were fast, they were thorough, they came and went just as quickly. They were also some of the nicest people I have ever met.  I mean seriously generous, kind-hearted, nice people.

You know what I am talking about, the kind of people you see in a small town where everyone knows everyone and when someone is down they all rally behind that person with empathy, generosity and love.  Wait that sounds familiar? Nawww that doesn’t happen anymore these days. (sarcasm)

Anyways the first nurses we became acquainted with were JoAnne and Wayne.  Wayne is a 40 year veteran in the nursing profession and it shows right away. His knowledge and approach with patients is mesmerizing.  This man could teach a very successful class on customer service.  JoAnn is hilarious and does her absolute best to keep us in good spirits from the moment she strolls through the door.  She is absolutely adorable, her and Jacy hit it off right away, a new friendship is born.

The morning is filled with more needle pokes, more blood drawn, and an echocardiogram of Jacy’s heart. This was needed to ensure her heart was healthy enough for the Chemo meds as they are extremely toxic to heart muscle. So a baseline for cardiac output is measured, tolerances devised and the green light given for treatment.

Dr. Truong comes in to discuss possibilities and probabilities in regards to Jacy’s treatment of chemotherapy.  We sit together in awe as numbers, types, statistics, age, medicines and death are all thoroughly covered.  In the end Dr. Truong tells us it doesn’t matter what current statistics are, what matters is you the individual.  You, your brain and your body will determine the outcome of this procedure. She emphasizes a positive attitude will get Jacy along way during treatment.  She looks up to see Jacy smiling her patented big radiant smile and instantly knows attitude isn’t going to be a problem.

Within minutes the I.V. stand becomes loaded with several cocktail mixtures for inter venous consumption.  Lines go in, Jacy lays back and before long my lovely wife, who three days ago thought all was right with world is now a Cancer patient in treatment with chemotherapy.

We spent the better part of the afternoon talking about the last ten years together, where we came from and where we hoped to be when we retired.  Promises made to slow life down when we walk out of this hospital, but I know deep inside that isn’t going to happen. It takes a lot to hold down two jobs, run a ranch and save little puppies from death (Coopers Good Dog Rescue) then raise four children while participating in kids sports, 4-H, FFA, high school rodeo and well good old life in general. Truth be told it has created memories we will cherish together always. We talked about everything under the sun but do you know what we didn’t talk about? Letting cancer win! Thats right, positive attitude all the way! Every one of our conversations about the future had the two of us in it, no death, no separation, only triumph and togetherness. Our conversation started winding down, we made fun of cancer a few more times, even held each other and cried one or two more times.  Then we sat back and began to wait. For what I did not know, but we waited…

While all this was happening,  behind the scenes at home an army was taking shape.  A collage of human spirit weaving its way slowly together getting stronger and stronger by the minute. It was amazing, I had received a few phone calls from loved ones and very close friends within minutes of Jacy announcing her condition of Facebook.  But those few phone calls started a ball rolling that like a snowball tossed gently down a fresh snow covered hill, grew larger while gathering size and speed until it would become an avalanche of love and support so great that people wanted to be consumed by its force and power. Humbling to the say the least.

 

Night rolled into day and I awoke, rolling off  the couch from hell to watch the nurses change out a fluid bag on my wife’s I.V. stand.  She awoke feeling fine, just a little tired and still ready to kick cancers ass!

By 11 the Dr. Truong had re-emerged bringing her infectious smile to our room.  We had a very nice conversation where she explained the importance of a spinal tap on Jacy to retrieve spinal fluid. The Spinal fluid would be tested to ensure no cancer had spread to jacy’s brain (this of course would be devastating) or was trapped within the spinal column. If so this would lead to a chemo treatment directly into the spinal column itself.  No one wanted that…

Jacy is still bouncing off the walls with positive attitude and posting pics of herself on Facebook.  This is good for her, as the higher her spirits for a longer period of time the better mental state she will be in when the chemotherapy really does make her sick. I sit patiently by her side, knowing that moment of nausea will come soon.  She has three “pushes” of high does chemo drugs to go through and the first is tonight.

At 5 pm the nurses assemble for the first “push”, they are covered in gowns and face masks, it looks as though this process should be a scary thing not a positive one. It lasts for 30 minutes, is monitored by nurses for any abnormalities within jacy’s vital signs and the nurses kick me out of the room when it happens.

Walking the halls I am sick to my stomach! I still can’t believe this happening to us! But I promised to be positive, so here goes. I am positive we are going to beat this! I am positive my wife is going to be fine. I am positive I will love this woman to the very end! I am positive I can handle all of this for myself, my wife, my family, and my friends.  I am positive we are going to kick cancers ass…

And it all starts right now!

 

 

 

Brain Freeze

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Well my darlings let me take a moment to apologize for my current lack of substance! You see there seems to be a wee bit of a problem with my writing style lately.  There is none! No style, no words, no wisdom, no funny stories, no nothing! Just me, sitting behind my desk, staring into my computer screen wondering, hoping, praying that something, anything will end up written on this blank page before me. This usually ends up with me daydreaming about chocolate instead.

It actually isn’t even centered around what I may or may not have to say. There are tons of ideas swirling around in my head like fresh spun cotton candy! My problem stems from being able to capture these little gems as they whiz by from one side of my brain to the other.  Just when I think I have one of those squirrely little buggers captured for exploitation, my brain just FREEZES! That’s right all active brain matter freezes leaving me with the look of a pale-faced fresh corpse at the county morgue.

It also appears that my ability to type has lost its “mojo”! For some reason I went from a self-taught keyboard wizard to johnny hunt and peck! My thumb is whacking the space bar at random and my left hand seems to be encroaching upon the right hands territory without permission! There is a full-scale war going on between the two of them within the boundaries of 78 little tiles of statehood.  The flashing position line on my screen has advanced and retreated more times than I care to count! And for whattosugrste thatg theredsi nope   hope form e anyymogre? SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH!

I can’t tell whether Alzheimer’s is taking hold or I am just losing it mentally from stress? What was I rambling about again? Oh yes, Jello in the cafeteria is really quite good if you get it just after it comes out of the cooler.

Dogs and cats will never get along, women will always wonder why men feel the need to fix everything and children no matter how hard we try can and will never allow you to get out of the house on time.  Wait… sorry, sorry, my bad, wrong storyline.

So as I was saying, my brain is fried, my ability to cope shattered and I promise, any day now between a cup of coffee and a fifth of whiskey more stories about life, love and the pursuit of happiness, I mean children will be forth coming.

Heavy sigh…

Betty….

Reflection

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Your eyes squeezed tight, small arms wrapped around my neck with the grip of a sailor, a body so small and warm, full of love, wonder and amazement.  I can do no wrong, say what I please and its funny. You love me.

A lizard in a hand, dirt under your nails; you ask questions about anything and everything.  Why is the sky blue dad, why are the stars bright dad, why do cats hate water dad, when is mommy coming home dad, why do you burp when you drink soda dad? They never stop these questions.  Secretly, even though I sigh the heavy sigh while moving in and around the house with you in tow, I like these questions.  You son are developing a sense of inquisitiveness that is inspirational. I answer each one the very best I can and the look on your face after each answer is priceless.  You love me.

Crying, screaming, it can’t be done dad! There is no possible way! Horrible shrieks of nonsensical gibberish spew forth from your mouth as time after time I push, you fall.  Peddle I scream, leave me alone you bellow in return, NO I retort; now point it straight and peddle the darn bike! Gritted teeth, glare of a thousand deaths and finally you are riding your bike! No more falling down, no more drama or tears, no more hearing “I can’t” leaking from your lips! You ride by me, big gaping smile, laughing, giggling, and then laughing some more. I have set you free, you love me…

Getting up to one knee, tears streaming down your face, I walk towards you fighting every urge to run. As a young person striving to become every bit the man you envision nothing would destroy your self-proclaimed reputation more than your father running towards you after you have fallen down. For the tears are not for any pain you may feel, a scrape, broken bone, or sprain. No the tears come from the second of fear you felt as this 1000 pound animal got the best of you, the tears also hold a smidge of anger.  Anger within yourself as you didn’t sit that ride; you knew better than to give to this studs unyielding ways but as he charged and bucked at another horse you looked where you shouldn’t have looked, pulled when you shouldn’t have pulled squeezed when you shouldn’t have squeezed and he got the best of you.  Oh don’t get me wrong, you rode him long and far (for that I am beaming with pride) but in the end the horse won out and that tear of embarrassment stings the most.  So up you stand dusting yourself off, clearing your spurs, wiping the dirt from your face.  Walking across the arena you gather him back up as he stands patiently waiting for you, wondering himself what just happened.  You have forgiven him because it’s in your nature, but he will not get the best of you again.  You ride by me; smile a dirt covered smile and then slide slowly back into the herd.  You love me…

Got one! A message relayed time and again from both sides of the boat as fish after glorious fish are reeled in, then landed.  My daughter on one side, my youngest son on the other with my oldest and middle son working the lines helping me keep tangles from happening and hooks filled with bait.  Somewhere in the middle of our journey I gave up fishing for myself.  The two older boys seeing their dad tire from keeping lines jump in to help take the pressure off.  We all laugh as the middle son talks my daughter into kissing the fish! But kiss the fish she does and then tosses back into his face! We laugh and laugh some more as stripers are caught and tossed back into the water. One child hooks a flounder and another lands the largest crawfish I have ever laid eyes upon! As the sun slips out of sight our old blue boat slowly putts its way back to the dock. Not a noise can be heard as they all stare off into the distance, tired, well fed and filled with family.  They love me..

You left in a hurry, a trip of great importance, wishing I hugged you one more time, I am left here wondering how things are going, what is happening, who you are meeting, if it’s all you dreamed it would be! Time ticks away and I act like it’s no big deal but inside my stomach is turning in knots! You have spent your entire life trying your best and with small adjustments here and there you always have succeeded.  I know this is what you want, I know it means a new start and I must let you go, but my heart aches at the prospect.  So I wait..  12 hours, 14 hours, like a faithful hound dog, I wait and wonder..  You send me a picture of you and your childhood friend, smiling from ear to ear holding acceptance certificates! You have succeeded like I always knew you would, my eyes are filled with tears, my throat is tight and dry, and soon you will be leaving us. It hurts but feels so good at the same time.  The first on my side of the family to get into a four-year college, your mother and I are beside ourselves!  Pride, joy, and excitement fill my senses as we look forward to all that awaits you.  As your father, you became everything I dreamed you would be and the world is just waiting for you to take it and do with it what you want.  I love you…

I am a lucky man to have four children to love; they have filled my life with emotions I never dreamed possible.  Each one of those paragraphs describes a moment spent individually with a child, starting then ending with my oldest.   These are moments that will forever resonate inside me for one reason or another; a look, a smile, a tear, some pain; They are all important and weave the fabric that is our family.

I am lucky to be so loved…..

 

 

 

Destiny

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Staring across the counter I see a boy dazed and confused, sweat beads upon his upper lip, lost in a barrage of questions that he cannot bring himself to answer.  His schoolwork and grades are slipping, he does not know why. Time spent in a classroom he cannot answer to what; a combination of blame and distrust hovers thick and dark like smoke in the air. Homwwork or none, tests taken or not, assignments finished or lost, a blackhole appears to have swallowed his brain.

Wondering why he behaves in such a way, acting out with such fervor, withdrawing into a shell behind an impenertrable fortress of emotion. I realize he sees me, not for who I am or the counteless things I have sacrificed for him, but as I saw my father. Have I forgotten what it is like to be a child?

No answer will be good enough, the feeling of stupidity overwhelming, daunting, immoblizing all but the pounding beat of a heart. Knees shaking, rage seething, teeth grinding.  Taught to speak your mind yet not in the presence of an adult during certain times that is at best confusing, because children are to be seen and not heard.  Not a word seems to pass through that porthole known as a mouth without an excuse vilifying the moment. But why?

Does the hypocrisy of parenthood travel from father to father? Can I not grow as a man, become a father who stands upon my own two feet without repeating generations of mistakes? Am I destined to become something I chose not too simply because cause and effect have burrowed into my pshyche, leaving me with unwilling lessons learned then placed ever so carefully into a tool box deep inside my brain to draw from when needed.

He moves like I move, laughs as I laugh, is impulsive, irresponsible, idiotic at times.  Disrespectful on occasion with authority yet kind, caring and generous to those he cares deeply about. He strives to be the center of attention and will do anything for a laugh. But is this all a genetic flaw or is he gleaning all this behavior from watching me? Soaking in my every movement like a dry sponge looking for damp releif.

Not willing to concede this truth of generational discourse before I can snap back into reality it is to late. My voice has raised, growling like a starving half rabid junk yard dog the pale look of disbelief tells me more than a Stienberg novel ever could.

Have I set these wheels in motion? Will he truly become just like me? Has years of self made promises to become better than the parent before me flown out the door like yesterdays trash?

A shoulder slump, a tear rolls gently over a rounded cheek as recognition of self made failure comes to fruition in his mind.

I cannot berate his behavoir towards his siblings or others as he reacts with the same exasperation that draws his eyes from within my shadow. An ear that listens quietly as tiraids rule upon a celluar network as if the conversation was considered private inside the confines of a truck.  Mimicking, learning, digesting any and all mannerisms that may help him in the future.  Me not seeing the ugly circle that may emerge from my lack of filter.

Staring across the counter he stares back as a young me and I stare back at him as my father, and there it is the circle is complete.

Destiny.

A letter to my High School Senior

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A letter to my son the high school senior

As your father, I have spent an innumerable amount of time thinking about the inevitability of you becoming a high school graduate this year, heading off to college along with you walking out the door into the world as a man.  There for I feel as though it is time to “check in” with regards to the realities of life surrounding you these days.

Where are you mentally?

Do you feel as though your mother and I have prepared you for a life away from your family?

Have I presented a good image of not only a male figure, but a man for you to reflect upon and draw strength from when emotionally or physically drained?

Do you have an inkling of strife, injustice, immorality, ethical shortcomings, death, financial ruin, and some of the day to day struggle this world will lay upon you?

Can you keep an open mind and remember that everyone in this world deserves to be treated as a human being? No more, no less than you would treat yourself?

Have we taken the time to enforce a belief system which lets you see people for who they really are? Not the facade they may hide behind or trappings they live within, but who or what lies beneath? Separating the good from the bad, the kind hearted from the evil spirited? Can you spot an intelligent, well rounded person from a poop spreader at a hundred yards?

Here are a few things I think you should know.

This country is yours for the taking, by that I mean whatever suits you be it play, work or just day to day life, do it with fervor, passion, love and intensity as God has given you one life, no more, no less and we never know when our number is up. So do what you can for not only yourself but those who surround you and those who need your help.

When was the last time I reminded you it is better to give than receive? Not gifts of tangible make up, gifts of hard work, sharing, compassion and the best gift of all, love.

Remember that “love” is not just a word to be tossed into the wind like withered leaves of fall.  Today people use this word as a bargaining chip, it is held hostage for emotion, traded like commodities to be sold to the highest bidder. There is no way you can honestly love another unless you can love yourself. Like who you are, be proud of the things you enjoy and participate in with pride and never let someone else change that about you because then you are just living for that person and soon you will cease to become yourself. That is not love, I don’t know what to call it but love it is not, for love is a two way street where you are appreciated and enjoyed for who and what you are and that feeling is mutual. Love cannot be forced, sometimes love just isn’t there and that is ok.

Love is a feeling so strong it grips your chest, tears your heart, makes you cry at the thought of losing its powerful hold.  Love is a lump in your throat, sweat upon your brow, a smile behind your face, a caress that lasts forever yet only a second passes. Love will make you dance though you don’t know a step, giggle when all alone, long to be in the presence of that you love the moment you have left love behind.

Notice son, not one statement I have made compares love to sex, for sex is an act, you don’t need love for sex; you only need an urge and a willing partner. Oh many will try their best to persuade you that love and sex is in fact the same beast, but lo they are not, they are as separate as water and oil. Only the weak of mind combine the two, strongly claiming the one (sex) to be nothing more than love itself.  But love, true love will leave you weak at a touch, warm in the cold, happy even during the hardest of times. Love true love is what you have left when time grows short and the light grows dim, when you can hold someone’s hand asking for nothing more than that moment in time, love will guide your way.  You will learn all these emotions and figure out how to use and learn from them and one day, long after I am gone I hope you will smile at the love I have shown you.

Relationships are like walking a tight rope; sometimes the rope is large and easy. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt there will be no trouble and that rope holds strong and true safely carrying you across the pitfalls of any relationship. Other times that tight rope is small and shaky; your fears continue to evolve, leaving you wondering if you should continue risking it all, possibly even plummeting to your emotional death or do you turn around to find another rope more to your liking.  You will walk them both and all I can say is learn from each journey, so when the right tight rope comes to cross you step out with confidence that it will hold, leading safely across the relationship crevasse towards joy and happiness.

This country was built on a political belief system.  Do not under any circumstance let your friends decide what that belief may be.  There are many parties to choose from and you need to look deep inside yourself and determine which one best suits you.  I am fairly sure you know your father is conservative, but that does not nor ever will mean you should be.  As your father I welcome any choice you make and look forward to the intelligent conversations we will have over such a selection.  Truth be told, I call myself a Demublican.  Both Republican and Democrat as there are many wonderful ideas and strategies surrounding both parties.  Whatever you choose do not hide in the shadows, this country says you have a voice so use it while you can.

Stay healthy.  You will go through a phase in your young adult life where you will abuse your body by staying up to late, eating horrible food (delicious mind you but not healthy eating) and drinking way too much.  It happens to us all and the only thing I can say is never forget about staying fit, eating right, not indulging too much. Moderation is and always will be the key to social survival.

You will be tempted to do stupid things all in the name of fun and humor. Some you will get away with creating memories that last a lifetime, but remember before choosing to risk it all, ask yourself; is the juice worth the squeeze?

Always be a leader not a follower, stand up for what is right and admonish those in the wrong.

In conclusion

Remember your roots and those who helped you throughout this crazy journey called life and no matter where you are or what you are doing, I promise your mother and I are thinking of you as we will always be your parents.  You have been a joy to raise son, I can’t believe you are almost a grown man, the time has flown. I miss the little boy waiting for me to return to the fire house with a teddy bear in his hand.  I have enjoyed watching you succeed at dang near everything you have tried. You continue to leave your mother and I spellbound at the ease with which you make life appear.  We are incredibly proud of you and know beyond a shadow of a doubt what a fine adult you will become.  The door is always open; this will always be your home and remember our love for you is eternal.

I am and always will be proud to call you my son.

Dad.