Tag: daughter

Dont tell Mom, ok??

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Dont tell your mom, ok?  How Many times have we said that to our children?  I know I have said it a few times.  Have you?  Think about it.  Hear it in your head while you are reading this, Dont tell your mom?  Seriously just writing it here, makes me think, how absolutely absurd it sounds! 

Heres where I am going with this.  My 11-year-old has been having a hard time the last few days.  Normal stuff, picking fights with his sister, acting like chores are the end of the world.  Trying to make special occasions about himself instead the intended recipient.  But where he really crossed the line is, he’s been caught lying.  Nothing big mind you, little lies. (not that it justifies the lying).

Example; (Mom) did you take a piece of cake without asking?  Answer; NO- Did you leave the toilet seat up? Answer; NO- Did you forget to feed the dogs? Answer; NO.   Did you bribe your brother to take the fall for you on the cake theft thing? Answer: NO mom, you know I would never lie to you!  God! Sheesh! Man!

Now he did all of these things, and yes he also failed miserably in the “did you bribe your brother to take the fall for you” category?  Which by the way I am kind of envious of his vision in the matter.  Think about it, get the little one (who by the way is so damn cute) to go belly up in front of mom for something you did! GENIUS!! You know the little ones punishment is going to be less and really the monkey is off your back so all you have to do is sit back, watch the fireworks while rubbing your hands together muuuuhhhhaaaaaahahahaha! Yet lie he did! He let his brother bite the bullet then lied about it! Steller!  Then when he finally came clean he expects a simple “I’m sorry” will make it all go away.  WRONG!!!

So I am beating my head against the wall, wondering what awful influence has led my “pure as the driven snow”, child to take the lowly path of lying?  What horrible event in his life has rewired his brain, so it overrides his ability to know the difference between right and wrong? My little angel would never, ever knowingly lie would he?  I mean he said it himself; I never lie mom! Wait that was a lie? Shoot, is he lying about lying?  I mean the kid is good, but is he that good?  Did he lie about the lie, which in turn created another lie which he eventually believed was the truth? Or was he telling the truth that was interpreted as a lie, which perpetrated another lie in search of the truth? Shit! How do secret double agents do this stuff?? 

What I realized through all my mental anxiety over the issue was this, IT WAS MY FAULT!  Yup, I said it, it was my fault.  sure he committed the crime, sure he’s doing the time, but why would he think it was ok to tell a small lie?  What would make him believe that it was no big deal?  Answer: Listening to his dad. 

You see every time I go into Seven Eleven with the kids still in the car to grab a quick snack and I buy one of those Hostess cakes I crave so badly. I do something that no dad should ever do under any circumstances.  I do something so shameful that I should be dragged in shackles before the court of elders to have my dad card revoked for a weeks time as I am thrown into solitary.  You see somewhere between handing out the goodies and hearing my name chanted to the heavens as they gorge on the surgery goodness that mom probably wouldn’t let them have I say these three little words.

Dont tell mom…….

Yep that’s right, I have said it so many times its shameful.  Dont tell mom.. I have just put the biggest burden I could ever put on a little kid.  Not only have I bribed them with sugar crack, but now they feel the pressure to uphold the lie! And why?  Am I supposed to be scared of being punished by mom for not obeying her orders in regards to my health.  Are they thinking holy crap if dads that scared his punishment must be BBAADDDD!!! Are they wondering if commandant Mommy will ship me off to the Western Front to die a horrible death? Of course not, I am already dying a horrible death by ingesting the lard pie with cherry filling.  A slow unhealthy death!!!  Just ask my wife.  So why then?  We all do it!  If anyone reading this says they have never told their kids, Dont tell mom… or lets just keep this between us, ok (wink wink)! Then I will call you a liar!!  And believe me it takes one to know one!! 

But seriously, we as fathers perpetrate this tiny example of teaching our kids its ok to lie over small stuff on a regular basis.  It doesn’t seem like much but really it is, an avalanche starts with nothing more than a misplaced snowflake.  And that’s how lies start, small then as the child masters them eventually they become bigger!  Before you know it you have a kid that can’t be trusted, they are demoralized and so are you!  Mostly though, we have engrained them that Mom is the enemy somehow, so much so that we (as husbands and fathers) are scared of her too!  What the Hell?  I know it feels like a “this is between you and me buddy”  friend type moment.  But really we are teaching our kids to lie and that in itself is criminal.  So the next time you catch your kid lying to you about tiny little things, just take them out to ice cream, and when they ask sheepishly if they can have cookies with their cone, lean over and proudly say YES! But only if you tell mom the minute you get home. 

By the way, I am on my third cookie while writing this, you guys got my back right?

Five Fingered Footie Shoes????

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Today was a very special day.  You see it was my sons 7th birthday, and he was rewarded with the only gift he requested.  It wasn’t Hot Wheels, nor Transformers, nothing to do with Harry Freaking Potter, no magic tricks, no juggling balls, none of the things we believed that he was longing for, nope what our kid wanted was Footie Shoes .  Yep Footie shoes, or Five Finger Shoes as they are advertised.    Have you seen these things??  Strange looking, like the 70’s toe socks that were once all the rage! All five toes in their own little keeper, wrapped in the latest air-breathing, moisture wicking, sole protecting technology.  Held onto your foot with a single piece of space age velcro.  They come in a multitude of colors to ensure that at least one person is going to look at your feet and proclaim “coooooolllll dude” where ya get those?

And look at them you will, I mean they really are hard to take your eyes off.

See aren’t they weeeeiiirrrrdddd?  Its like someone decided to take the whole “bigfoot” thing and turn it into instant money!!!!  Cha Ching!!!! Really I am jealous that I didn’t think of these things myself.  Like the cardboard in the car window that reads “help dial 911” yep I thought that up first, really, it’s a little known fact it was my idea.  I was just late capitalizing on the invention.  My people didn’t contact their people, same old story told time and again in the business world. (heavy sigh)

Anyway where was I?  Oh yeah. So my kid now has a pair of these feet for his feet. (creepy) He is running around like Superman, he fly’s higher, jumps farther, sprints faster, all because of his “Footie” shoes.  Wait a minute, that’s the same way I feel when I get a new pair of shoes, and mine don’t have toes!  Hmmmm seems like a conspiracy if you ask me.  The shoe companies have us all duped into believing that when we get new shoes we are superhuman!  Ah the power of advertising and subliminal messaging! Oh well let him have his moment!  By Friday they will be worn in and the super powers will slowly fade. By the end of the month the super powers will be completely gone. Then what, footie shoes? Then what?  Then they will be just another pair of sweaty, stinky, smelly shoes that my dog will turn into a drool bucket.  But thats Ok I just finished ordering mine online, they should be here any day.  Then Ill see everyone at the Justice League Headquarters, Up Up and AWAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

 

2012 a fresh new start, I think……

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It’s here, it’s here! Yep that’s right 2012 is here! Shout it from the rooftops for all to hear! 2012 is finally here!!

What you already knew that?? I am shocked? I am not the first one to tell you that its 2012?  How embarrassing….  How can this be?  I am confused????? Oh that’s right, the endless party invites you received probably gave it away.  Or the 48 hours of your local news counting down until the very last moment when they switched the broadcast over to Carson Daily and his motley crew of semi famous party goer’s.  Oh wait; maybe it was the endless stream of News Years Eve footage from other countries, being thrown about like a frisbee on the internet for all to see!  Or if you lived completely under a rock maybeeeeee it was the explosions and war zone gun fire that woke you up at 12:01am that did the trick.

Oh well either way I am still excited! 2012 is finally here!  I now have twelve months to help my worry wart 11-year-old understand that just because the Mayan calender ended doesn’t mean the world is going to end on December 21st of this year.  That Mayans in fact believed the end of this recorded cycle meant the planet would go through a “positive physical or spiritual change” .  Now I don’t know about you but I am pretty sure the human race could use both of those things about now! 

2012 also means facing a few facts that I have been avoiding. Or at the very least acting like they would never bother me. 

Our 15-year-old is going to start driving this year.  It wasnt a big deal before but here we are literally days away from him being able to take the permit test.  As the very famous philosopher Charlie Brown once stated after having the football pulled away from him; AAAAARRRRGGGGGGG! I thought I was ready for this time-honored passage into teenage/adulthood but I am not!  I already worry about every part of my kids lives everyday, I drink Mylanta the way most people would consume a chocolate shake! Slowly to avoid brain feeze and with a straw! I do breathing exercises like a fat kid staring at the biggest jelly doughnut he’s ever seen when it comes to making decisions about whether or not my kids should stay the night at someone’s house!  Yet here we are in 2012 and I now feel as though this is the year I finally get my long-awaited ulcer!  Dont get me wrong, out of all my kids he is the one I trust the most to take the driving test challenge and succeed……  Holy crap did I just write that, I am doomed!!!!  I will need a stomach transplant when it comes to the other three!  Maybe I’ll get lucky and they will pass a law that says they can’t drive till they are 18? 

My soon to be 12-year-old is going to start JR. HIGH!  Now that doesn’t sound like a big deal to most people, but for me it a huge deal!  Heres my problem, it’s not the increased class schedule, it’s not that he will be joining kids from the other three elementary schools in the area.  It’s not that he will be introduced to a larger scale of peer pressure and influence. Its none of these things that I am concerned with (ok maybe the influence thing a little).  What I am concerned with the most?  He is cute!  Now I don’t mean your average everyday cute! Nope! I don’t mean your my kid and of course no matter how homely you really are I still think your cute because I have too, cute!  This kid is downright cute, good-looking, handsome! He has big eyes, big dimples and a gigantic heartwarming smile! You know the type of smile I am talking about, the type of smile that warms a heart two sizes too small?  Yeah that’s our boy!  He has a following too!  Where ever we go, the girls are sure to follow.  He has just as many “girlfriends”as he does male counterparts.  I am dreading hormones and testosterone, giggling girls and irate fathers.  Late night phone calls and cell phone monitoring.  The good news is he’s been raised right!  He is a gentleman, he says please and thank you and he has respect for himself and others.  So maybe I am overreacting and I’ll only need to start on a low dose of Zoloft by the end of the year. 

As for the rest of them, no worries at all.  I think??? 

I don’t believe in making useless New Years promises that no one can possibly keep!  But I will promise to continue with my way of being a father.  In 2012 I promise to continue to love my kids, be there when they need me and even when they don’t.  I promise to butt into their lives on a daily basis, correct them when they are wrong and praise them when they are right!  I promise that ice cream and frozen yogurt are something that no matter how broke we are, we will always be able to afford.  I promise to always take their phone calls when I am at work and listen to their problems with an open mind.  I promise to continue to teach them; a sense of humor will get you farther in life than determination alone.  I promise to take a moment out of my day every now and again to hug and dance with my daughter.  But most important of all, after spending endless hours with my children, I promise to take the time to constantly show love and affection towards my wife.  Who our children become as adults is a direct reflection on how we behave as a married couple.  Dont you think??

Happy New Year….

How my childhood has changed

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As a 45-year-old parent of four, looking back upon my early childhood, I have noticed that some things have changed and some things have stayed the same since I was an infant.

We start our lives out as wobbly little infants that need everything from our parents.  In the beginning its good, some may event say great!  We are fed three meals a day, given all the love and adoration we can handle.  We are pooping, peeing, burping, vomiting, naked little gods!  All of these things are considered cute when we are infants, but try it as an adult and you will be thrown in jail faster than To Catch A Predator’s Chris Hansen can say “hi there, no, no have seat, lets talk a minute”.  As infants we are truly the center of our parents worlds! 

If  born a boy, dad was the hero and admired by all his friends.  The infant boy held high over dads head as if he was Rifiki from the Lion King.  There for the world to see!  A son has been born to this pride, show your admiration as there will be no other like him!  Pats on the back, cigars strewn about, friends who don’t even smoke or like cigars are seen toking away as a gesture of approval towards his fathers amazing virility! His football jersey has already been picked out, a bat and glove lay near the foot of the crib, a racecar stroller is parked waiting in the corner for the pit crew to tune it up after each time mom brings him back from the supermarket 500.  He will grow up to be the handsomest of men, Cary Grant, Tom Selleck, Brad Pitt will pale in his shadow!  Women will fall to their feet by his presence (some men too)! Mom is always there at the littlest cry or snivel to feed him! (hmmmmm sounds like the ground work is being laid for some serious gender expectation retraining as you get older) And eat he will..  and eat… and eeeaaaattttt…..

If  born a girl, mom is aglow, all her friends sigh the heavy relief that it wasnt one of those dreaded devil maker boys!  While dad is happy she is healthy, he knows that in time he will be wrapped around her little finger and before long he will be wearing girly hats and having tea parties.  Mom on the other hand can’t wait, to show her off to all of the family!  Adorned in the cutest little pink outfits, with pretty little bows and “hair pretty’s”, life couldn’t get much better! Unless mom was 8 and had just received a brand new Cabbage Patch Doll!  (I know it’s another stereotype take a deep breath and relax) Mom also has her daughters life laid out, she will go to college, Mills, Simmons, Wellesley, she will be the class valedictorian, and she wont need any boy to succeed in life. She will be stunning and all boys will want her (some girls too) but she wont wander from her chosen path.  To cure-all of the worlds diseases and win the Nobel Peace Prize.  Yeah no high expectations here!

Now all of this sounds very stereotypical and it is, but you have to remember that no matter how we were raised or what you  may believe today, all bets are off when the first child is born!  Generational habits die-hard and really, as new parents, your brain cells have deteriorated immensely.  The deterioration of your parents minds only continues as you and your siblings get older.  Also all of this is only if you are the first-born of either sex, if you are lucky enough to be the runner-up things go significantly down hill from here!  You are just another exemplary silhouette of your parents genes.  Sorry if you are the third or fourth child, but unfortunately its true.  The effort put into the first two significantly wains as others are thrown into the mix.  Now don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean you were loved any more or less than the others, noooooo quite the contrary, the others or “firsties” have it harder than you ever will.. 

You see they have an image to live up too.  They have all of their parents goals and dreams to shatter or make come true.  If you fail its easy for the parents to just say “oh after the second one we were just tired of trying” or if you are successful you will hear “ha  ha I don’t know how the hell that one succeeded”!  The first and second child are relied upon to do all the baby sitting, to help with the child rearing, to set the “example”  of appropriate behavior.  Because as more children come into the family, more responsibilities are delegated, which keeps the parents from losing their minds completely. It also frees up more time to start drinking after the littlest ones are in bed!  None of this will make any sense to the “firsties” either, until after they too have children, then the process repeats itself. 

So where does that leave me in this posting?  Well its like this, I have noticed while looking into my own family model that indeed some things are still the same while some things have definitely changed!  I love all my children equally (same), I don’t look upon the “firsties” as any better than the last two (different), I have high expectations for all of them equally (different), The older ones do help the younger ones, with homework, cleaning their rooms, and developing their manners (same), But I look at that as a privilege to completing my expectations of good mannerisms.  And we all know if you do well at something its natural to want to pass that knowledge onto others.  I don’t expect my children to attend Wellesley or be race car drivers, baseball stars, rodeo cowboys, Nobel Peace prize winners, astronauts, or even President of the United States. (different) If that happens I will be as proud of them, as they are of themselves.  I do expect them to be viable, happy,  well-rounded contributing members of society who love what ever it is they choose to do and live their lives to the fullest. 

Maybe one day my children will look back at childhood and ask themselves; what has changed?  What has stayed the same? Why are parents so goofy? And when they are done they will smile as big as I am smiling right now.

Another Christmas Eve

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As I am in the process of tying up any loose ends this Christmas eve, I find myself thinking about Christmas eve last year, and the year before, and the year before that, to the point that I have now whipped out the photo album and I am looking at photo memories from Christmas past. I notice the obvious right away with the expected “holy crap” the kids have grown, and the obligatory “I cant possibly have looked that young”, but what has really amazed me while gazing upon these frozen moments in time is the fact that they are coming to an end. Now I don’t mean Christmas is coming to an end, or my life is coming to an end I mean quite simply, the days of Santa are fleeting, the days of all my kids still living at home are winding down. My job as a parent is coming closer to full circle with my oldest. Then in the blink of an eye it will be the next child and so on and so on..
Parenting has its privileges!
One of the biggest privileges known to every mom and dad is the role of Santa Claus! The first year is really scary as you hope and pray they don’t catch you in the act. The next year is a little less stressful as you slowly develop your own style and develop certain techniques. Every year after that just gets better and better until you feel as though with the wink of an eye and the twitch of a nose you could rain presents upon the tree and be gone in a flash with nothing more than a cookie crumb left swirling on the floor.
But life is always changing. Before you know it, one heads off to college, then two, then four, and the house is empty. There is no one left to play Santa for(yes even though the older ones know the truth they still love to play along). What the heck! You are at the top of your game, in the big leagues, and now the coach cant even call you up. Its back to riding the pine for you big boy! Skills or not this has all accumulated to you not being needed anymore. The house is empty, no more giggling, no more running off to bed because Santa Tracker says Santa is in Chicago! No sneaking, prying little eyes laying in the shadows of the hallway. Its all over. Done! You find yourself all alone watching “A Christmas Story” sulking. Suddenly all the struggling and frustration that often accompanied the holidays doesn’t seem like it was that big of a deal after all.. All the times the kids got on your last nerve, pestering and bugging you, fighting over really stupid stuff, makes you realize you would give anything to have that time back. Yeah that moment in time. Just once more…
Like I said parenting is a true privilege! Christmas Eve is a fantastic moment in the life of any parent. One that we hold in our minds and relive over and over again. Its pure, its true love for your kids, its joy, its one of the few times you get to be a super hero, and when your kids faces light up on Christmas morning at the sight that beholds them you wink your eye, and twitch you nose, then lock away another memory. You are only Santa for a little while and I thank god for every chance I get to be him, for someday my kids will experience the same emotions, the same feelings, they will accept this fantastic gift that has been given them and hopefully they will sit back and remember all the fun they had and smile at the thought of their father playing Santa on just another Christmas Eve….

Bliss

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Some days life just falls into place like a perfect puzzle. Every piece you pick up locks into the next. That was today. We started the day with places to go And things to do. But by the end of the day it had all fallen into a perfect symphony of music, everyone’s needs were met and all of my children had fun and appreciated the time they had spent with their family.
I am in a perfect bliss right now. Going to bed before I wake up and realize it was all a dream….