Christmas has always been my favorite holiday of the year.Lights, trees, church, love, family and all the wonders that come with celebration.
Over the last five years we have struggled to make it the very best Christmas we can. Some years we did a stellar and I mean a flat out,old college try, jaw dropping successful experiment in making things work bringing love and joy into an otherwise really shitty situation! Then other times we just muddled through taking selfies and tons of family pics simply to prove we did our very best.
In the long run or the end game as it were, this did turn into a blessing as we have some sense of just how much we all loved Jacy and our family through this hell we were living. Don’t get me wrong, we knew just how much we loved everyone, and know it to this day. I genuinely love every one of our families to no end! But trying, even when you don’t want to and it feels just wrong is 100% the right thing to do.
So here we are, December 5, 2018, 47 days since my sweet Jacy left us to be with God.
I don’t want too.
Yup, that’s right, my favorite holiday and I simply don’t want too. I am trying my hardest to find the joy in this moment. I made it through Thanksgiving which is by far not one of my favorite holidays, but I just don’t feel it.
Parker got out the fake tree last night. We always put up a fake tree right away in the room where the wood stove is in so you can see it when you come downstairs in the morning. He drug out all the ornaments and put up the lights. I was proud of him for taking the lead and I told him so. I chose to put my feelings aside and help him, because as his father, regardless of my personal feelings I need to set an example and I know that for the same reason I don’t want it, he really does.
While we dug around in the closet for the “cheap” ornaments that go on the fake tree. I knocked a shelf and a hat box fell onto my head. It burst open and inside was every single love letter I had ever written my wife.I had no idea she had kept them all. I knew of several hat boxes and their contents, but this one I hadn’t seen. I stood jaw open as I picked them up carefully and started to read them to myself.
By the end of it, an hour had gone by, I was balling again as my heart poured out to my wife within the confines of those pages. One of them had her lipstick on the bottom as though she had kissed it after reading it.
What she never knew was I kept every letter she ever wrote tome. My favorite being a single page left under her pillow for me to find (she knew I would because I make the bed every morning) after she left for Haiti on her first trip. I read them all, the cards too. I saved the one from Haiti for the end.
I cried some more.
Now this is where you think I probably went into a very deep and dark rabbit hole. Oh I am sad, so very sad but not for what you think.
You see I believe she was there and knocked that box on top of me. I believe she needed me to see it, to feel it and to put her letters and mine together to better help me understand that although I am alone now, this love was never as one sided as it feels without her here. I believe she was telling me in her own way to not be sad for what’s lost but cry tears of joy for what we had together. I know this because that is exactly what she wanted.
I cannot believe a guy like me was able to have a woman like her. She was my best friend in the whole world. How lucky was I to not only be married to an amazing human being, a kind giving soul, but someone who was not only the absolute love of my life brought together by God, but my very best friend as well! What we shared, I only wish everyone could feel that, to hold that, to grasp it tight and realize that you are indeed the lucky one!
I put them all away. I cried for a very long time because I do miss her so, so much! I do feel as though I still can’t do this without her but I know I will, it is just who I am and I know it’s one of the many reasons she loved and believed in me. I just need to believe in myself and that will come with time.
I am going to do my best to make Christmas happy, or as happy as it can be for our family. I will carry forward our love, it will suck Christmas morning as there was no mom happier than her watching her children tear apart gifts and laugh together.
I will try. I promise.
Jacy if you have anything else hidden that you need me to find, could you please wait until after the first of the year? I am pretty dehydrated from crying so damn much..
Thanks, I love you…
8 thoughts on “A Little Christmas message..”
first, I can’t believe it has been 47 days. The shock is still fresh, yes, most of us were in denial of the inevitable like you. The hat box was most definitely her hitting you on the head! I know it sucks, how much I don’t know, but Merry Christmas to you and the family anyways. We love you guys.
Thank you Peter! Merry Christmas to you and your family as well.
I am so sorry to see this. My heart goes out to you. Over six years ago, when I was newly widowed, you saw one of my first tentative blog posts and responded. It meant a lot to me. I wish there were some magical words I could say that would make the hurt less, but I know, and you know, there’s no such thing. Cry when you need to, laugh when you feel like it, and hold tight to everyone and everything that helps. It isn’t easy. But it’s possible.
Thank you so much. I will do my very best.
I lost my husband of 45 years in February of 2016. It still hurts a lot. I still haven’t been able to decorate like we used to, but I managed to get a tabletop tree. I think I know how you feel and if my kids were still home I would do my best to decorate. One of these years I’ll hopefully surprise myself. God bless you and your whole family. I am going to share with you something that I read when I was having trouble with the concept of life after death (even after 16 years of Catholic education).
A tale of two babies
In a mother’s womb were two babies.
One asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?”
The other replies, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense,” says the other. “There is no life after delivery. What would that life be?”
“I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths.”
The other says, “This is absurd! Walking is impossible. And eat with our mouths? Ridiculous. The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after delivery is to be excluded. The umbilical cord is too short.”
“I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here.”
The other replies, “No one has ever come back from there. Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery it is nothing but darkness and anxiety and it takes us nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,” says the other, “but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us.”
“Mother?!” You believe in mother? Where is she now?”
“She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her there would not be this world.”
“I don’t see her, so it’s only logical that she doesn’t exist.”
To which the other replied, “sometimes when you’re silent you can hear her, you can sense her. I believe there is a reality after delivery and we’re here to prepare ourselves for that reality.”
Trying to grasp at life after death is just like this. Our modern snobbishness and worship of our own intellect has trapped us in a self-imposed prison of reason. Never have our egos been so big and imaginations so small. If we could but have the faith and humility to leap free of our own heads for a moment, we’d see quite plainly that we were made for so much more.
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” (Shakespeare, Hamlet)
“The eye has not seen, and the ear has not heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man, what things God has prepared for those who love him.” (1 Corinth 2:9)
Thank you so much that story was perfect and so very true. I am sorry for your loss, 45 years together is beautiful.
I still miss your Dad, my sweetie. That’s why I never took the Christmas tree down…he died five days after Christmas and I had to send all his presents back.
We just have to keep on truckin’ as long as He has work for us down here!