I have a confession to make.
I think I am mourning the loss of my wife.
Over the last couple of weeks, the two of us have held some very emotional and poignant conversations in regards to her health, my mental health and our families future.
She is by far the strongest woman I know. Her courage and tenacity is second to none. This shit sandwich she’s been handed and forced to eat time and again would leave most average humans gagging while pleading for the feeding to stop. Yet she bites down, grits her teeth and trudges through every mouthful!
I try to remind myself that God will never give us anything we can’t handle.
The other day during a conversation with her doctor she told him she’d had enough! It was time to either get busy living or get busy dying!
Think about that statement! A mashing of words spoken with the seriousness of an appellate court judge! No bullshit, no grins or giggles, no carefully chosen not wanting to hurt anyone else’s feelings words! This is a line in the sand and no one had better fucking cross it! For the first time in a long time I didn’t laugh, find a joke or even smile a nervous smile. She was making a stand and if you truly know my wife then you know never to cross her when she makes a stand!
And I think once again: God will never give us anything we can’t handle.
The last couple of days have been harder then normal. My irregular heartbeat is back, (which always leaves me panicking) my stomach is on fire and the head is pounding pretty hard. These are all secondary reactions to an emotional outpouring trapped deep within this sack of skin. I don’t know how to adequately express what I’m feeling or even describe it’s magnitude which tears my innards apart! Three long years I have been holding it together! Three long years I worry about tommorow and what it may bring! Three long years have been the worst juggling act I could ever have performed, always feeling like I am one hand movement from dropping all the balls.
Three long years and I continue to think: God will not give us anything we cant handle.
In that time I have gained 25 pounds, developed sleep apnea which leaves my chest and head hurting every morning and I have cried more times than I care to remember! Seriously cried like a baby! I’ve cried in the truck, the barn, while working a horse, after waking up from a nightmare to find she isn’t there only to quickly realize she’s at her dads for treatment! I have cried while blogging, in my dorm at work, after a call with a cancer patient, while reading a book and even while taking a shower.
To be honest I cry at everything nowadays! Like some stupid, weak, lovelorn teenager!! Show me a stupid animal video! Hell here comes the waterworks! A love story movie. Tears! Wedding videos! You guessed it more water!! And you know what makes it even worse?
I am angry as hell, looking for someone to blame and yet I continually tell myself; God will not give us anything we cannot handle!
That anger leads me to yell at our kids way more than I should, I yell at drivers on the road and sometimes I daydream someone will cut me off so we can fight! Senselessly hoping not to win, but instead to feel the stinging pain of loss. I know it’s wrong and because I know it’s wrong I work really hard at tempering my emotions!! But this long term tempering is wearing me the fuck out!! All political rants get deleted from my FB feed so I don’t get angry. If an argument starts I do my best to walk out of the room or tune it out by acting dead or stupid, much like a fainting goat! I have figured out how to curb all this anger when cornered by using a tried and true method of striking first with wicked biting sarcasm! But sometimes that bites me in ass when I take it to far and then hurt someone else’s feelings! I can’t win! Developing these weird coping mechanisms are only piling more worry and angst on top of an already over loaded emotional mountain! Yet I keep doing it because going through this joint struggle over the last three years I have found there are more important thing for me to focus on in life! Like waking up, or breathing!
And there I am wondering if God is really giving me what I can handle or if it’s all a big fucking lie!
Today really brought it home for me and it hit me harder than before. A friend posted a picture of my beautiful wife from five years ago and through all my inspirational quotes, kind words and such I realized why I am in this strange place mourning for the loss of my wife. Not that she is gone in the traditional sense of the term, because she obviously isn’t, but for who she used to be! That woman, that confident, beautiful woman who could teach 30 kids in classroom, come home and ride horses with me and the kids, whip up a dinner from absolutely nothing, then toss her hair into a pony tail, throw on some clean clothes and let me strut her sexy ass out on the town!
I hate what the drugs have done to her, I hate what this disease has done to her, I hate that everyday she wakes up and no longer recognizes the person looking back in the mirror and sobs. She’s had me cover all the mirrors in the house so she doesn’t have to look at herself and that makes me mad at God. I hate that she shakes so bad she can’t hold simple items and there is nothing I can do help! I hate that she struggles to get up, walk or climb stairs! She was once a toned, hard fitness instructor and now is a frail version of her former self! I hate that I feel like I am failing her, and I can’t do a thing to make any of this any easier in any way! I hate that she doesn’t know how beautiful I still think she is or how she continually stresses over some imaginary thing that should drive us apart!
I hate, I’m angry so I hate some more and I think again; God will not give us anything we can’t handle.
The realization that I am also mourning the loss of OUR life together weighs like an anvil around ones neck. I go to parent meetings alone, doctor appointments alone, after school activities alone and rodeo with the kids alone. She is miserable because she can’t be there for her children and it is a horrible heavy guilt for her and I am torn up because I can’t imagine how that must feel as a mother. Now, I don’t mind being alone, it’s good to be alone every now and again, just not all the time. Thankfully I am surrounded by some of the most wonderful, caring families anyone could ever ask for and they treat my family as if we were part of their families! Rodeo families are hands down the best in the whole world!!! I seriously look forward to seeing these people every month! But at the end of the day, when everyone goes there separate ways, I sit alone, in the trailer, pondering what life would be like, if Jacy had never gotten sick. All of the fun she is missing out on and how guilty I feel when I forget for a moment and start to have fun myself.
Then I’m mad it’s not me. Jacy is something special. I am not. She has done almost everything right her entire life. I have not, in fact I spent most of my early life doing just the opposite. She is kind to everyone, I can be a bit of an asshole. So why? Why has God burdened her with this punishment and left me alone? Why is God putting this upon our family, our children, our friends and relatives? Is it truly because God thinks we can handle it? What kind of bullshit is that? Does that mean people who hold no struggles are weak in Gods eyes so they get a free pass?? That makes no damn sense!
I always say we need to have faith. Believe in our faith. I believe in God. I believe there is a reason all this is happening. I believe we are being tested. I believe there is a plan and I hope God reveals it soon for as of now I can no longer see the Forrest for the trees.
The fact is pride is what leads us to believe we can conquer all without help or faith. It is how this simple statement I have repeated and lamented over continues to come forth.
“God will not give us anything we cannot handle.”
In reality it reads: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
The way I read this is as such: God WILL give us all more than we can handle. He will challenge us, challenge our ability to retain faith and he will forgive us our temptations.
I believe my faith is strained right now. I believe we (my wife especially) have been given way more than we can handle. I believe the temptation to just quit is great.
God, could you give us just a little help? Please….
I’m not sure how much more of what you are giving us we can all take.
(Fuck I’m crying again)
11 thoughts on “God, could I get a little help? Please……”
Right there with you…almost 4 years of a different, sick husband. God must really think I’m amazingly strong. I sure don’t feel it. I don’t cry anymore…wish I could.
That’s exactly the way I feel!! Like I must be one strong bastard to keep getting handed more and more! My tears unfortunately come from pent up exhaustion and emotional confusion.
I’m rarely speechless but this post is a challenge for me to try to comment on. You, your wife and family have been in my thoughts and prayers for quite awhile now. I have been inspired by the courage you’ve displayed throughout all of this agony you’ve gone through and the constant roller coaster you’ve been on. I have felt heart broken each time things get really ugly for you. I can identify with your feelings about God never giving us more than we can handle. You have both “handled” and weathered so very much. I doubt I could have dealt with all of this as steadfastly and courageously as you have. All I have to offer and give is my continued faithfulness in praying for you.
Thank you for sharing with all of us from the very core of your being. God Bless you. May you both feel His loving presence and know how very much He loves you. Susan Joyce
I’m so sorry
My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband last October, after 14 years of watching him slowly leave me. The last five were pure hell. The last year I wasn’t sure I could keep breathing or if I wanted to. Not out of love or some misplaced guilt, but simply because I was tired. Exhausted. I still am. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel some semblance of normal. I continue to hope. I’m looking forward to less tears and more smiles…. pray daily that they’re coming.
Oh dear man, God loves you and He is ok with you questioning Him and your abilities to carry this load. He is there for each of you and I am certain He is immensely proud of you. This doesn’t mean you are wrong to cry and to feel weak, very real emotion’s bubbling to the service are not weakness but strength knowing it is ok to show them. What I am sure is He is proud of your faith, your constant desire to seek Him in this crappy time. You are an example of Christ’s love for His people and in a marriage. You give many men, whether they admit it or not, much to live up to in your devotion to Jacy and your children. My heart aches for you, my struggles are nothing but, they are struggles and my faith waivers. However I am certain that God is with me every step as He is with you. Tears are not weakness they are real emotions that are leaking out of you. You are a strong man, devoted man, a real man going through too much but doing it the best you can. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I admire you. What can I do to help?
Hugs and prayers,
I keep moving forward, lucky to have so much support. The blog just helps me get it all out. Thanks for listening. 😀
I had already cried once tonight, actually thinking of the possibility of losing my husband, just because life can be unpredictable. Now I have started crying again. I’m sorry for these tests and tribulations. Sometimes, I’ve come to realize, things just don’t make any sense and are too unbearable to try and understand! My heart goes out to you!💕~Anne
Thank you Anne, I’m sorry you cried. Life is hard sometimes and all we can do is wake up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 😀👍
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I was feeling a little out of sorts tonight. Family crap again and then I read your blog. The grace and love in which you and Jayce have handled your life changing event make me ashamed of myself. When I first met Jake at the ranch I was drawn to that sweet boy. When I was told about his moms illness I was so impressed with the way you and Jayce were keeping your family together. The admiration I have for you and Jayce is more than I can express. I know words are useless at a time like this but know that everyone who knows you is in your corner. You can cry as much as you want and as long as you want, you deserve it. God does give us more than we can handle and you two are doing an amazing job of handling what he has handed you. Please don’t stop sharing your thoughts.
Words are never useless. I firmly believe in the power of words. Thank you for using them so well. 😀