Rambling, for the love of God, I am rambling!!

Yesterday, from the passenger side of my truck while Cody drove, I slowly raised my feet and stuck them out the window to rest against the mirror support. Seat back, shorts on, flips on the floorboard my feet hanging out the window feeling a warm breeze running between my toes while I watched the world travel by at 65 mph.

I felt 16

(From here I start rambling, please forgive me)

My mind wandered to a time when I had no cares. My biggest worry was whether or not I could earn enough money during the week to keep gas in my truck or purchase lunch or help pay for beer. I worried constantly about how much trouble I would be in for poor grades or not coming home on time. I worried about a kid who felt like he wouldn’t live to see 25. Life was good, life was free.

I never understood just how free my life was.. Everything when you are young is important, blown out of proportion, lost in the minute. You behavior is strewn with emotions, feelings that you really have no control over! You are loud and obnoxious, hyper and animated, life is just beginning to open up for you to explore with not only yourself but your closest friends as well. You just want to make a difference, be taken seriously and to be heard! You really don’t know what you want to become or who you are but you cannot wait to find out. You look forward to the future.

I am turning 50 in roughly 10 weeks the future is here and I still don’t know. I still feel deep inside as though there is more!

My life has become heavy, tiring and I can’t think straight. There is so much to do around here and I just don’t want too. That is not me. I don’t know who I am, or what I want to be when I grow up and I wonder how to convey that urgency to my children. Luckily they all say they know what they want to become, hopefully they are right. I am depressed. It is hard to admit but I think I am. Writing this right now, my heart hurts and I want to cry. I want to hide. I want to go camping and not come back. I want to run into the woods like a spoiled child avoiding their parents when reprimanded! I want to disappear. Disappear onto the Pacific Crest Trail hoping to find myself once again. To feel the confidence I once held at 25.

But I cannot, life gets in the way doesn’t it?

For a long time now I have been pushing my feelings down, shoving them deeper into some void, doing my best to keep one foot in front of the other, smiling, hoping, and trying for everyone. My wife is my world, she has been my friend, confidant, lover, and advocate; of course no marriage would be complete without her also having been a staunch, frustrating at times adversary. But in the end she has always been there for me in one way or another and these last 14 years.  I too have been there for her (even more so these last 24 months) and continue to do so taking care of her anywhere, anytime.

I am a convoluted mesh of emotions. A walking mess. I cannot sleep yet when I do I cannot wake up. My stomach hurts all the time and it only stops when I eat, so I eat, a lot. My inner self hurts which makes my outer self-hurt as well. Exercise was once an escape, now it pains me to walk to the corner and back. I haven’t worked a horse in almost a month, it has been easier to have others do it for me.  There is so much to do, so I choose to do nothing at all. I am a whiney complaining, ball of self-doubt. I cant seem to escape.

But as I write this, I know what I am going through it not ok, but ok at the same time.

To everyone who will undoubtedly dissect my inner emotions, claiming I need therapy or some form of self-help assistance. I know these feelings are ok. Not healthy, but ok none the less. It is ok to feel the way I do, yet knowing doesn’t help me right now. I was raised to not complain, to cry only when it really hurts, to rub dirt on it and walk it off. So even sharing this with all of you is painful and embarrassing to me. It admits defeat and leaves me fearing being judged. I know I have lost nothing, I know there was no competition for me to lose at, but the man I have grown to become, laid upon the fondation of my upbringing feels confused and utterly defeated.

If there was some way to clear my head, to take away the confused, angry, afraid, emotional, distressed feeling I wake up with every day? I would do it in a heartbeat. But unlike a computer I cannot hit delete or save as and place it neatly in a folder labeled “crybaby” for future reference.

I wonder how many people struggle on a daily basis with trying to overcome these types of feeling inside their heads. A feeling of hopelessness, like you can never get ahead, achieve solitude or even make it through the day successfully without just quitting? I wonder how many turn away from friends and family finding alternative methods hoping to quiet the voices of despair. I wonder how many pray at the beginning of each day to feel as though they can take on the world again.

I selfishly wish to fall asleep and wake up to my wife pre-leukemia. Not for me, but for her. It is tearing me apart inside watching her hurt. She hates looking at herself in the mirror, she wants so desperately to be her old self again. She cries at the thought of only having enough strength to get up and down the stairs once or twice during the day. She is terrified at each and every visit to Stanford that they will tell her it’s time to be readmitted into E1 for long term treatment. She is sick of feeling like a prisoner in her own home. She is exhausted from everyone telling her what to do or how she should live. She is horrified at what this has all done emotionally to our family, friends and most of all her children. She just wants so desperately to get better, to be better, to excel the only way Jacy knows how! She is and always has been a winner! She isn’t feeling that way right now. It is tearing her down.

She misses her students.

I cannot begin to explain to what depths this woman misses her students! It is as though a piece of her has been amputated. She can feel the appendage as if it was still there, but she can no longer see or touch what was once hers. It has handicapped her spirits, her self-worth, and her ability to thrive inside. Every moment she is alive, she believes is one more step towards having a classroom to herself once again. Every moment her body takes a step backwards she feels it slipping from her grasp. I will never forget the moment she was offered a job at this school. We were in Vegas, the phone rang, and she answered, five minutes later she was bouncing off the walls! I can honestly say it was one of the happiest moments I can recall. These children, your children, the children of people she doesn’t even know, they all breathe life into her! You see them as your children, she sees them as our future. Each and every little personality there to grow, expand and blossom simply by being themselves.

This has and continues to be a long arduous journey. I guess all this rambling comes down to a few points. Thank God for everyday. Even though it doesn’t sound like it, I am thankful for each and every day. I get to spend them surrounded by my wife and children. I can never take a day with her or them for granted. You never know what you can handle until it is time to step up! Every day is a challenge for me right now, but I am making it. Some days are incredibly harder than others, but I am still here.  Jacy is handling it, some days are incredibly harder than others, but SHE is still here! At the end of the day sometimes that is all that matters. Know you are not alone! I have my writing, but I also have prayer, and a huge support network. I still feel alone at times, but I know I am not! When your day is shit! Just remember things could be worse. Look around on the inter-web, there are plenty of people who have it much worse off than you or I. Last but not least, thank God for faith, otherwise think of how hard this thing called life would really would be.

To the (three) people who actually read my blog. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to ramble incoherently as I did today, to share my thoughts and feelings without judgement, to simply be. Today’s posting held no real significance other than to purge my endless inner long winded musings along with some of what is painfully shoved down deep inside hoping to offload enough that I may gather my inner Betty once again.

Betty loves you all….

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20 thoughts on “Rambling, for the love of God, I am rambling!!

  1. sometimes you’ve just got to purge…I know exactly that confusion (not for anywhere near the same reasons), but I know it. I don’t know the answers, but this has got to help clear some of the cobwebs!

  2. You are amazing! If you put all your musings in book form you would help so many people! Stay strong!

    Sent from my iPhone

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  3. You are definitely not alone in that feeling of desperate emotional turmoil that some of us go through with our innerselves. It too sometimes feels like it conquers me and yes even through rambling and talking to whoever may be listening is just what it takes to get through to the next day and eventually pull through the fog of whatever is going on in our brains. Nothing wrong with that:) no judging necessary. The sun will come out tommorrow😊

  4. My dear “unmet” friend James,
    You did what was needed in purging and spilling and writing your heartfelt feelings. It is important that you nurture you through all this and I know your writings help. Please know that not only is Jacy in prayers by many but you her dear husband is as well.

    You are right how could you do this without faith? God has you in the palm of His hands even though it must at times feel like he is shaking and strangling you. He’s got you, keep trusting in Him the best you can.

    Give yourself credit, you are doing a great job. You cannot fix this as much and as badly as you want to. But…you can continue to love yourself for all that you do for your family. You are strong and dog gone it your strength keeps getting called upon. Ask for help, receive help and keep up the amazing support for your family.

    Many hugs to you today, prayers continue for you.
    Love to you,
    Debbie

  5. James, I wish so much you and yours weren’t going through this ordeal. It’s OK to vent! Prayers to you, the kids and your sweet wife.

  6. Thank you for your thoughts, feelings, words and emotions James. You are not alone in the anguish of this life’s journey. We all relate or we aren’t human!!!

  7. James you are amazing and bless you for being honest and true. Praying as I always will for you and your family.

  8. Bless you for sharing your authentic self. You give so many of us courage to face our own life paths. Lifting you family up.

  9. At levels hard to convey, I COMPLETELY understand!
    You wrote;
    “A walking mess. I cannot sleep yet when I do I cannot wake up. My stomach hurts all the time and it only stops when I eat, so I eat, a lot. My inner self hurts which makes my outer self-hurt as well. Exercise was once an escape, now it pains me to walk to the corner and back.”
    Which made me take pause and start to cry! You conveyed PERFECTLY, what I can’t seem to articulate!
    My only solace in life, is to believe that our struggles give us an understanding of Saints. So that, maybe, just maybe, we know TRUE empathy!!
    A quality lacking in our world, that is desperately needed! The one, I believe, that will save us!
    THANK YOU James!
    And Blessings, Love, and Light, to you, Jacy, and your family!

  10. One day at a time James, right? I have the same daily struggles, as I believe anyone with a sick spouse does. You are of strong mind and body, you and Jacy have already accomplished the sometimes impossible! You got her home. My friends are always telling me how strong I am and that they don’t know how they would get through, but I think everyone is blessed with an inner strength they don’t know they have until they need it. You’ve been tapping into yours for two years now, you just need a break! Hugs, love and prayers my friend. You got this

  11. I so very much enjoyed your ramblings James and can relate to your frustration because in some respects I’ve also been making a journey similar to yours. My best friend and room mate for 28 years has been battling cancer for the past 11 years. She’s had breast cancer, both breasts, surgery and lymph node removal, two different times, she’s had eyelid cancer and lymphoma B behind her stomach. She’s undergone surgeries, several types of chemo and other medications that made her ill. She’s lost her hair and watched it grown back. She’s developed other health conditions along the way such as congestive heart failure, non alcoholic liver disease, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes. All of these things started showing up after her first cancer. She’s endured the rigors of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation and I’ve taken the journey with her. They had to make 8 cuts on her eyelid after testing after each cut to see if there was still cancer. She looked like she was badly beaten up. She had to have plastic surgery to reconstruct her eyelid. It is so difficult to watch someone go through and have to endure these things. I have many of the same feelings and frustrations that you’ve expressed. She gets frustrated like Jacy does. Every month she undergoes a blood test, and has an appointment with her oncologist. Her energy levels are very low, she has a huge amount of various medications to take. Her body is weak. She tires very easily. But she’s truly a hero…she weathers it all with determination. She is far braver than I could ever be. I too pray to God on her behalf. I don’t know what I’d do without my faith in Him. Take heart James…and keep on rambling…just as much as you need to. Vent and rage if you must. Sometimes I feel the strongest when I am …as the old saying goes…”letting it all hang out”! My thoughts and prayers continue to be with Jacy, you and your family. On a lighter note…I did indeed write your name in for president on my primary ballot! Take good care James! 🙂 Susan Joyce

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