Nothing crushes a man’s heart or weakens a hardened exterior quicker than watching your wife cry. Witnessing her rapid release of pent up emotion while absorbing ones surroundings with tremor like sobbing there becomes a moment where no perfect words for comforting leaves you helpless at best. Oh a hug will always suffice yet truth be told there really is nothing you can do but watch and stand fast for any request needing fulfillment.
And so went the first ten minutes inside our little farmhouse once Ms. Jacy crossed over its threshold.
She tried her very hardest in keeping it together, after all she had been given a very warm greeting, some would say almost spastic from her dogs, eight months was an eternity for them as well! Of course there were hugs and high fives from her children, then there was the “Welcome Home” sign along with flowers on the deck. But my poor wife was falling apart before my very eyes and all she could manage to utter between gasping breaths was; I never thought I’d see my home again.. I thought I was going to die….
Standing embraced under the dim light of our kitchen bar she continued sobbing while my heart continued hurting. I could say I understand, but I don’t, not really. Yes I have clung tightly to a faithful vigil of spirituality and positive stature, with an occasional doubt creeping in only to become squashed through a refusal of acceptance. Yes I have walked side by side, never wavering, always spending every moment possible next to her witnessing each and every change in her mental and physical status. But to say I fully understand what she is feeling would be a complete falsehood. Only she knows what lies underneath her weary exterior and at this moment it is sheer joy mixed with uncontrolled emotional pain.
The old me in this moment would calmly say; everything is going to be ok (the unknown possibly positive note) and don’t cry, this is a happy moment, you should be happy you’re finally home (the condescending response of unrequited knowledge) along with there, there, there. (Well that’s brilliant huh?)
What I have learned is this was and is going to be a very traumatic experience for my wife for a very long time to come. The pain associated with this process will not just go away. Living with the thought of almost dying along with not knowing for sure how much time she may have left on this planet in conjunction with guilt for being gone from her family, but mostly her children will not evaporate overnight. She is in a great deal of discomfort every day reminding her of all the physical pain she has suffered thus far. Also reminding her daily this journey is a long ways from being over and with multiple appointments and medications filling her every moment there seems to be no end in sight. This experience has taught me allowing her to grieve for her former self is perfectly normal and my place is to simply love her for who she is, the person she has become and the woman I fell in love with because nothing else matters. She has looked at me and wondered out loud why I would still want her, for she no longer looks the way she used too. But what she doesn’t understand is all I see is the woman I married, she is extremely beautiful to me and always will be! I have accepted that if she hurts, I hurt, if she laughs, I laugh, but most of all if she needs an answer or an opinion to always tell her the truth! Never ever sugar coat it with some horrible regurgitated response as if you’d spent one to many hours watching Grey’s Anatomy. She deserves respect and she will receive it.
Once she gathered her breath and dried some tears she asked to go upstairs to our bedroom. This is the task I have feared most for she has not one ounce of muscle left in her legs. Making it up the three stairs of our porch was a bit of a feat. We decide to try so we start slowly and after several small breaks she has made it onto the landing, out of breath, tired but excited to do so on her own. Once in our room she moves quickly to our bed where she quickly lays down and much like a cat upon its favorite pillow, my wife curls up with a supreme look of contentment on her face. She is home.
The next two days go fairly well. Ms. Jacy makes it slowly up and down our stairs, sits in our recliner to remain immersed in our family and is able to gaze upon the property from our large bay windows. She is so happy to be home and by the middle of the second day begins worrying about going back. She wants to stay home.
It’s easy to say the times away will become shorter, but we don’t know, it’s easy to say this if for the best, but really the best for her is to be home with her family. It’s easy to say any number of things with hopes of quelling her fears. But like I said before the truth is always best. So as she tells me she doesn’t want to go, I simply tell her I don’t want you to go either and this sucks! For the simplest fact of the matter is; it does.
Yesterday we loaded up her belongings, she said goodbye to her oldest children and with little ones in tow we headed back to Saratoga. It could be for three days, or two weeks, we just have to learn to be flexible and play it by ear. We couldn’t do any of this without the support of her loving family and we are forever grateful for all of their sacrifices.
I am not sure if she will ever get used to being gone as each day away the fear of something going wrong and her never coming home again is always hovering over her head. I like to think of it as we actually have money (you know like old family money) and Saratoga is the family vacation house! Complete with family members who are always there and are always happy to see us while we vacation and rest in the serene mountains overlooking the Silicon Valley.
As I pulled out of our driveway I could see fear on her face and my heart began to break once more. The thought of leaving her beloved home, children and animals was tearing her apart! By the time we hit the freeway a combination of denial and medication left her fast asleep. Thankfully she slept the whole way and once in the driveway to her dads house she put on a super brave face as we exited the car entering the apartment, her second home. She was happy to be there, but its just not her home. We turned all the heaters on, put her stuff away and slowly strolled over to the main house for a relaxing visit with her family.
Making the drive up to the main road, headed home I felt alone, very alone and empty. I was so happy she was home, so happy to see her each morning, I had forgotten to take inventory of myself.
It was a long sad drive home….