Have you ever heard the cry? It’s a voice inside your head that won’t leave you alone. A mash of emotions trapped inside with nowhere to go. The voice is always there, begging, nagging, wondering, encouraging or discouraging depending upon the day, but do you hear it? Do you hear it cry? It cries for freedom, it cries for solitude, it cries for exhilaration and it cries for despair.
Have you ever told it to just shut up? To leave you alone? Do you find yourself arguing with it while driving in the car? Does it make you crazy just when you feel life isn’t crazy enough? The voice cries out, yearning to be heard but you swallow it down, forcing it into a state of mute while smiling on the outside hoping no one around you hears its needs. Have you ever heard it cry?
Over the last two years my life has been blessed. It has been hard, it has been emotional, it has been; well it has been hell. But through it all I have been blessed to talk with so many people and touch so many lives. To share correspondence with just one person walking in the very the same shoes makes every moment staring at a computer screen while typing my life to the world worth it! All I have ever wanted is to share, to explore and to help. To hear my inner voice cry.
During any time of hardship or struggle there are always those looking to find something wrong with you? Its ok, it’s not that they or anyone else is doing something wrong, for the most part they care and are trying to help the best way they know how. To intervene. We are all taught to intervene from the time we are children, but what we are not taught is what to do after we have intervened. You see I believe every person is different. People handle things differently, they handle stressors differently and it’s ok. Just because someone is not living up to your expectations of how, where, when and why they should behave doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong. It just means those of us choosing to intervene, whether it be loved one, family or friend, need to broaden our horizons learning to accept and understand. For you see that wounded person is listening to their inner voice cry.
Maybe they have never heard it before, this inner voice and this new found annoyance keeps them up at night, or maybe it’s always been there but now that person is listening, hearing the voice and understanding its hunger to be heard. Hardship, or tragedy has turned up their hearing aids. Either way, it is that person’s voice to listen too, and they will listen to the point of acceptance or denial. During these times of trial this person may need nothing from us or they many need complete and total support, but believe me when I say, the inner voice is crying out and it’s running the show.
On a particular day when things weren’t going so well I found myself in a full blown argument with my inner voice. Long list of things to do and I felt as though I was losing the battle. In the middle of it all I glanced into my rear view mirror to see Parker gazing off into the distance with that faraway look reserved for those who have checked out from their current realm, entering the wondrous Walter Mitty world created in our heads.
I asked; Hey Park do you ever answer the voices in your head?
He smiled without breaking his gaze out the window: Why yes I do.
How many voices are in there little buddy?
Only one dad, but there is room for more!
With that, a sly smile and a gleam in his eye, my dry humored, wicked smart eleven year old boy let me know he understands.
So when you hear the cry from deep inside, don’t ignore it. Listen, that voice may be your savoir or it just may be the only one who is listening at the time. Either way over the last two years I have stopped pushing it down deep inside, acting as though it doesn’t exist, and because of that, my inner voice has been able to put pen to paper as it were for everyone to know the true, what, where, when, why and how.
Ms. Jacy is hearing her inner voice cry as well! It is screaming to heal faster! As though the Bionic Woman were trapped inside just waiting to roll out that super human strength! Yesterday we walked, climbed some stairs and tried to make it up her dad’s driveway a bit. She did great, but as with any exertion for her at this stage it came at a cost. She went in laid down and drifted off to sleep. Her medications leave her pretty well zapped. The bladder issue has not resolved itself so Platelets and blood are still the order of the day. She has an IV pump tagging along with her where ever she goes and there are 23 medications consumed three times a day. UGGHH!!
But here is the best part. She is no longer in the hospital. She is able to nibble on regular food and this makes her smile. Although she definitely does not like being told to what to do when it comes to her nutrition. We spend a lot of our days talking about the future, being thankful for our amazing families and sleeping. Yep when I am on Jacy duty I actually get to sleep a bit, something my body has been lacking for a very, very long time! It is nice to be back next to my girl.
The kids had a great winter vacation. Thank you to everyone who helped make my children’s Christmas extra special! All my love to you all! The kids of course received the best present ever when their mom came home to her dad’s house. They stayed at Grandpas from the first of the year until late last night! Spending their days with family and their mom! Everyone was so happy!
So we move onto the next phase. Weekly trips to see Jacy on the weekends and closely monitoring her progress. She has her Step-mom by her side daily. Gina left her job to care for my wife and we are forever grateful for this dedication. It leaves our entire family at ease as we know how well she is being cared for! Everyone keep those prayers coming as we have a long road to go and I firmly believe it is because of all your prayers we have made it this far! God bless you all.
Time to go, I hear my inner voice crying…..
2 thoughts on “Have you ever heard???”
Kindly extend my warmest regards to your inner voice. I’d like the both of you to know that I’m having a great fun reading this post. I had an inner voice, too, and he’s always responsible for my having to see things beneath the surface. Like when, one day, I saw a tiny mushroom sprouting off the stony ground. Looking closely at the mushroom, I saw a picture of this tiny plant in three dimensions. I can think of how it came to exist and the purpose it may be serving. I can think of all the created things whose patterns are reflected in me and in all of life.
Fatherhood is like a mushroom by which there is a pattern explaining what is and also suggesting what causes it to grow and change, and proposes what can be done about it. It’s an act of self-discovery, but also to involve speculating or wondering what’s going to happen next sometimes. The mushroom is letting me take a glimpse of such a pattern lying beneath the surface of my awareness and to strongly influence how I would think and feel about my spouse and my child.
It’s about understanding the subtleties and complexities of living organic processes and the nature of things. It is about uncovering patterns or pieces of patterns that advance our understanding of everything, from the way a mushroom fully blooms overnight to the way stars give birth to galaxies. Because to uncover the pattern in the natural world is to get insight into what is true and as a learning platform needed for the next discovery.
By the way, I have to go now. My inner voice is telling me that something is going to take place I need to be aware about. It will become a tool, he’s saying, allowing me to…embrace a new thought.
Oh yes indeed! That “inner voice” Some days it seems to never shut itself up! So yes, identifying with what you have written James. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I think about and pray for Jacy, you and your family many times a day! I amm now adding step-mom Gina to the list. God bless her!
.Keep up the great work! You and your writings are truly inspiring. Susan Joyce