Today just sucked…

Watching someone you love in pain, brings no greater torment within the soul.

There are times in life when feeling absolutely powerless is a step up from the darkened depths your heart is traveling. Seeing my wife emerge from the doctor’s office today, I expected a curt; fuck that hurt! (yeah every now and again the surly farm girl comes out) Or I am so tired of these gosh darn biopsy’s! Then we grumble a little about her elderly shuffle, a result of having someone gnaw on her hip bone with a needle and make our way slowly to the car.

But today, today was a knife to the heart! She emerged, spoke my name and instantly I knew something was wrong. Her voice cracking, lip quivering, and then tears. Tears streaming down her face as she informed me her biopsy couldn’t be completed because of severe pain.  After several if not close to a dozen or so biopsy’s, I am pretty sure her pelvic bone is done with this shit! Having taken the appropriate pre-meds prior to our arrival, then a dose or two of lidocaine, followed up with a few more doses of lidocaine, followed up with the maximum amount of lidocaine prescribed for a woman her size.  It became very clear to her and her doctor this just wasn’t going to happen.

It also was an awakening in that Jacy’s body’s had enough for the time being. Not good timing as her biggest fear for the moment centers on the Leukemia’s progression. We need to know what her cell counts are to create a plan of action.  Putting off another few days until a different course can be plotted only exasperates her anxiety.  The despair in her voice, the emotion on her face combined with an inability to do anything (something I am not good at handling) and my heart was breaking for the woman I love.

Walking slowly to the car; all I could think about was my love for her and wishing it was me, not her. Helping her into our car, my chest was hurting, she cried, took a deep breath then cried some more.  It was a quiet, somber ride home. Helping her upstairs she gently laid upon our bed and quietly slept.  Beat up, bruised but resting peacefully.

The appointment will be rescheduled so Jacy can be sedated through an I.V. to complete this procedure. It will still suck but at least she will be knocked out. Hopefully all this will happen later this week.

Today was just one of those days you close your eyes, say a little prayer to calm the nerves and rely on faith.