Feeling broken

 

Where did you go?

Who have you become?

I feel as though I don’t know you anymore. As though a stranger has newly entered my life, yet nothing could be further from the truth. I find myself filled with remorse, anger, compassion and hatred all at the same time.  Realizing I shall no longer defend your outrage. I can no longer bear the brunt of destruction you leave behind. Cleaning up your emotional toil in both cumbersome and tiring. You are like a pebble tossed into a pond.  The original hit was you, then slowly you sink to the bottom for safety, while leaving others to ride the waves, praying they don’t drown, hoping to survive.

What made you this way? The person I remember has always been a little angry, somewhat gruff, yet once alone you were charming, and funny.  Somewhere, somehow you made a conscious decision to change for the worse.  You can continue to place blame, to point crooked fingers, but in the end it rides squarely upon your shoulders.

You claim all is not fair, life is not fair, you bellow that nothing is ever done correctly, and you regale how much better life would be without you.  Then flipping as a switch you are back to normal.  On/off, on/off, the effects fleeting at best, but back to normal none the less.  Your emotions can be felt as the constant ticking of a time bomb.  There is no one left to defuse you.

To this I say; There will be no more sleepless nights worrying about your state of mind. I shall portray that of mediator no more. You shall never yell at someone I love again with out serious repercussion.  I will no longer defend absurdity under the guise of being elder. You have chipped the very last fragment of love from my heart. If you wish to be gone from this world than so be it.  You are gone in my eyes, your soul has left my heart, I am empty when it comes to you.

Feeling broken…….

Maybe you were right after all,  Life is not fair.

About theycallmebetty

Betty lives his life (yes I said his) on a small farm in Northern California taking care of four children with his lovely wife. The name Betty came from my ability to laugh like Betty Rubble. Writing is something I have always been passionate about and this blog is a way of expressing my feelings about being a father in our society. I hope if you take a moment to read some of the stories posted here you will laugh, cry and feel like sharing. By sharing our experiences can we only begin to understand the wear on another man’s shoes.. Betty…
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3 Responses to Feeling broken

  1. cindyonrhinebeck says:

    what you just described sounds like someone suffering from bi-polar disorder. if you are describing a real person, they need to be evaluated by a physician. soon. there are meds to help balance the person’s mental capabilities out. it’s NOT their fault. something to do with the brain and how the nurons charge, or something like that.

    or it could be the start of dementia or ALS.

    best advice is to get a medical opinion and stop bashing yourself. it has nothing to do with you.

    let me know what happens.

    • Betty Rubble says:

      It is a real person and he has the onset of dementia, he is also suffering from depression. There is a history of Alzheimer’s. He takes medication daily and is incredibly difficult to deal with. This posting was just my way of releasing frustration. Clearing my head, allowing me to say my peace.
      As an EMS provider I deal with hundreds of individuals such as this each year. It’s just hard when it’s someone close. Thanks for the concern. Betty…

    • C. Gustafson says:

      Betty,
      Don’t forget the highs & lows associated w/ diabetes. It’s a trifecta causing all the emotions. I realize it doesn’t make it less difficult to handle, but your friends are there to help.

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